tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31624016725616680542024-03-14T04:34:59.284+00:00The Blog of a Bounder, Cad & ScoundrelWit, Bon Vivant, Raconteur, Diner, Entrepreneur, Adventurer, Bounder, Cad and Scoundrel.Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.comBlogger279125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-10031838109432833412018-05-06T19:43:00.000+01:002018-05-06T19:46:43.689+01:00Memorial Post<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">145 Knicker</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Are you gullible, unable to think for yourself, follow the crowd and do whatever it takes to keep up with the Jones’?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">If that's you then why not spend 145 knicker on some totally tasteless tat like this bronzed (note bronzed not bronze) figurine dedicated to a war that nobody living today fought in?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Yes you can assuage all the guilt that your authorities have piled upon you for decades by purchasing this piece of dross dressed as a memorial to all those who died needlessly in a war that had very little to do with them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Yes your 145 quid will go straight in to the pockets of some crummy company lampooning as a national memorial provider in just five or six easy payments because that’s more or less the sort of thing these boys actually died for all those years ago.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Alternatively, donate the money you could spend on this kitsch crap to a veterans charity for those service personnel, past and present, who are actually alive today and are being let down by their current governments.</span></div>
Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-73192714814144706252016-06-25T10:35:00.000+01:002016-06-25T10:35:19.720+01:00How to Combat Post Referendum Bitterness<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8h9ZZzKp566IztwrspBDqpYuEnKnKRVeI5QvvXnDXGzeAlwjfjK2f5rYTUjfe8wmfiaqX5HrS7OWuq07ul2PM5L2giH0_kSiJ3p8AN3pxLe2J8KJXRTJWxLVg3HnLSzPgBN3mpt3z6tKK/s1600/EU+and+Bitternesss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8h9ZZzKp566IztwrspBDqpYuEnKnKRVeI5QvvXnDXGzeAlwjfjK2f5rYTUjfe8wmfiaqX5HrS7OWuq07ul2PM5L2giH0_kSiJ3p8AN3pxLe2J8KJXRTJWxLVg3HnLSzPgBN3mpt3z6tKK/s1600/EU+and+Bitternesss.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Referendum</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Ware-Armitage here. Yes the EU referendum is over and done with now and the result was a win for those who want Britain to go it's own way in the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I, personally, voted to stay in the EU because that way less people would have the chance to become richer than me and there is nothing worse in this world than someone with more money than one. These people make me want to throw up all over the floor.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Anyway, a lot of the good peasants of this land are naturally a trifle unhappy with the result and are in a state of disappointment, confusion, worry and incontinence. So I have come up with a tip-top piece of advice that will help anybody overcome post EU-referendum blues</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"But why is this so important Ware-Armitage" I hear people ask. Well it's important because the blues can lead to long-term unhappiness. Long-term unhappiness can lead to depression, depression can lead to anger and we all know what anger can lead to; yes that's right anger can lead to a global thermonuclear war and we don't want that do we.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sainsburys</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So if you find yourself suffering a little because of the referendum result, or indeed any such mild trauma then follow my tip top advice as to how to deal it before something terrible happens. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You will need the following;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">1) One large petrol tanker</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">2) A large supermarket</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">3) A large black flag with some squiggly lines on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">4) A day off</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Simply, attach your large, black, squiggly flag to the side of your petrol tanker. Get inside, start the engine and drive at top speed to your selected supermarket shouting 'Admiral Ackbar' or something like that, and then crash it into the main entrance taking as many people with you as you possibly can. With a bit of luck the impact will trigger a chain reaction igniting the petrol in the tanker, causing an horrific explosion and what have you. If you're lucky the thrust caused by the blast will propel you clear of the scene and you can then carry on with your normal, daily activities such as doing the washing up, buying vegetables and passing water on people doing their shopping in Top Man, etc.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Follow this procedure and you will immediately feel born again with a whole new outlook on life. All your concerns about the EU will have evaporated in your quest to evade the filth (police).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Marvellous.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-74956617077083612322015-11-01T19:49:00.001+00:002015-11-01T19:53:09.810+00:00Billion Dollar Business Proposition<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFB-Cpbn1XDj0KtQPTCtBMfe2f_xiYfSR6124tYlB5andVtXdkWzQYZKaiM8zdK0IW9pK202945JtmrF_qxFoc4lYmqfwG9FPnLMb_60eyjRPqgGadNHUR1oY49ul-OaC3kTqCLyVjysva/s1600/haircut.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFB-Cpbn1XDj0KtQPTCtBMfe2f_xiYfSR6124tYlB5andVtXdkWzQYZKaiM8zdK0IW9pK202945JtmrF_qxFoc4lYmqfwG9FPnLMb_60eyjRPqgGadNHUR1oY49ul-OaC3kTqCLyVjysva/s320/haircut.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Scum</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Ware-Armitage here. You know recently I've been musing about how clever I am and therefore by default how err... disappointing others are. I'm not really one for labelling people and all that sort of thing but I know full well that if I did refer to people as stupid then I'd end up in trouble with the blogging legal team or all that sort of scum.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Anyway, because of my vast cleverness I recently came across a marvellous idea that is the going to make me one of those internet billionaires. Yes that's right an internet billionaire! No namby-pamby wishy-washy millionaire no Sir! Not that poor lot! With their solitary million that won't even buy a cardboard box in some parts of London these days I tell you. Not only that but the idea is so simple it is going to change the world!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The Right so "What is this absolutely marvellous idea that is going to change the world?" I hear you ask. Well I had this idea whilst I was sitting in the chair at my local hairdresser. You see the problem with hairdressers is that you have to deign the place with your presence in order to get some crappy happy person to chop your mop. This means a customer actually has to leave their estate to get to the salon, the indignity.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wild Animals</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This is compounded by salons usually locating themselves in town centres where there are relatively high concentrations of policemen on patrol. There are other issues associated with town centres too such as being accosted by those charity people, gypsies trying to sell 'lucky heather, whoever she is and also the unavoidable danger of being attacked by a wild animal such as a lion or tiger. However all these things fall under the same category of having to go in to a town centre. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Also, once at your salon of choice one has to endure the inevitable conversations such as 'oh ducky haven't you got lovely hair,' or 'so where are you going on holiday this year then?' or even 'get your hand off my tits you filthy bleeder!' and so on and so forth.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">To get around this problem one can arrange for one's coiffeur to visit one at one's estate but one has found three problems with this;</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<ol>
<li>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">They can't bring the same range of hairdressing tools with them that they have in the shop. This means that one doesn't attain that same level of sharpness needed to maintain one's stature in one's local community.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">One has to lock all the doors in the manor and bolt the windows shut in case they try to steal anything.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">There is a propensity for these people to resort to violence when one refuse to pay anything more than what they would charge at the salon.</span></li>
</ol>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So as Nancy was snipping away at my rather splendid moustache it suddenly hit me how to not only circumvent these problems but also save money and make a fortune in the process! </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yes that's right, I'm setting up the world's first, yes that's right the world's first internet haircutting service. Yes you heard right, an internet hair-cutting service. This idea is a winner I can tell you.</span></div>
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</div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiywGZX8BL70CibkeCec6rqRnfscuCRVUN-9QFWKsQSpb19s6TDktC2pX4nlC1gDNDNqQFPdMAWEH6HPhQkEanTmSna1rcWUouuItB05hOCsz_7DAp5mtyVJH2LwnPWFgBGAPES70hEYEP5/s1600/haircut04.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiywGZX8BL70CibkeCec6rqRnfscuCRVUN-9QFWKsQSpb19s6TDktC2pX4nlC1gDNDNqQFPdMAWEH6HPhQkEanTmSna1rcWUouuItB05hOCsz_7DAp5mtyVJH2LwnPWFgBGAPES70hEYEP5/s320/haircut04.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Teething Problems</td></tr>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Just think, no more having to leave your premises to go to a town centre, no more having to avoid a policeman on patrol, no more having to lock all the doors and windows in your mansion, no more 'so where are you going on holiday this year?' and that ever present fear of being attacked by wild animals is completely nullified.</span></div>
<div>
</div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">All the customer has to do is register their name, address and bank account details on the web site supremely entitled 'Int Hair Net' (that was my idea, brilliant isn't it) Then, whenever they want a light trim or perm they log on, click which hair job they want, sit themselves next to their internet connection device and hey presto they get their light trim etc without having to leave the room.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span> <span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Just think how convenient it is, you can get yourself a nice wash and blow dry whilst watching the BBC news, reading a blog, watching pornography or hacking into China's strategic ballistic weapons control centre in order to start a global thermonuclear war, the possibilities are endless.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New;"></span> </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New;">Obviously, there are a few teething problems at the moment such as how to get the hairdresser's hands down a telephone line to cut someone's hair but hey let's be positive here! If there's a will there's a way. I don't know about you but I'm very excited by the opportunity. This is going to be a winner!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span> </div>
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Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-52114746020237331012015-09-21T19:31:00.000+01:002015-09-25T19:33:45.496+01:00Ware-Armitage -v- The Borough of Slough<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCqaBvWiu3knRtyxq4219UHuQpvvs-_4F9Tl8Zm5CJ_5JgOBQ8rOdILolUsyqJGtZiY5DFbIRUQ_FvwGOdIUIO_Ye_wsW1leljKRYstxwi-Oc_EKtlek2YABlcCoU9sI0WrYuWiTt3JUVv/s1600/slough+01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCqaBvWiu3knRtyxq4219UHuQpvvs-_4F9Tl8Zm5CJ_5JgOBQ8rOdILolUsyqJGtZiY5DFbIRUQ_FvwGOdIUIO_Ye_wsW1leljKRYstxwi-Oc_EKtlek2YABlcCoU9sI0WrYuWiTt3JUVv/s320/slough+01.jpg" width="246" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Traffic Warden</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Slough, yes Slough this town has had it in for me for years don cha </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">know! It all started 21st October 1975 when I parked my car for a few minutes to get myself a potato masher from the local Do-It-Yourself hardware shop on Dingwall Street. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When I came out, with a rather dubious potato masher I hasten to add, a sodding Yellow Crested Parking Eagle had issued me with a parking ticket on behalf of the local borough council! I wasn't going to have that!! So I ran up to this animal and explained to it that the parking was an emergency and the potato masher was for Timmy, a small child who was confined to living in an isolation bubble, had not had a hug in three years and his previous potato masher had died after it had escaped into the polluted atmosphere of the Slough environs. That one nearly always wins but the bleedin Traffic Warden accused me of lying! Moir!? A liar!? Bloody disgrace! Well, a</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">dmittedly it was a lie but that's not the point is it?! She said I was a liar!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">After nearly two hours of feeding this traffic warden more lies to get it to rescind the ticket I realised that I was wasting my time so I cleared orff and borrowed the money from the then wife to pay it. But that wasn't the point. I'd been accused of lying! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Well I wasn't going to take this one lying down. No Sir! I wasn't going to let them get away with this by Jimeny I was not! Things like this demand justice I tell you! You can't go round willy-nilly calling people liars!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqV_Cf6TIz9pMG3X8hGP5bHe6J_xkYuWzH27J39vt_C7y6EXugBEuckWirMYrTXBHdzdnKmH5muX_P3w5LcF064SDRmkpbvPte_G89q6bx7u9K1ioP7pMaq8zeszjmBcFDOiiuLQl8Zgd-/s1600/Manuchehri_sewerage.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqV_Cf6TIz9pMG3X8hGP5bHe6J_xkYuWzH27J39vt_C7y6EXugBEuckWirMYrTXBHdzdnKmH5muX_P3w5LcF064SDRmkpbvPte_G89q6bx7u9K1ioP7pMaq8zeszjmBcFDOiiuLQl8Zgd-/s200/Manuchehri_sewerage.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ware-Armitage</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So since this ghastly accusation in 1975 I have taken it upon myself to seek <strike>revenge</strike> j</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">U<i>s</i>t</span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">i<b>ce</b></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">. </span>That's right </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><strike>revenge</strike> J<b><i>U</i></b></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>s</i>t</span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">i<b>ce</b></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> for the violation of my personage by this truly horrific borough council that has no doubt blighted the lives of not just myself but quite possibly billions of other people all around the world with their blatant disregard for human life, dignity and my money. This is exactly how Fascist Spain started out don cha know! Nothing but a bunch of layabouts with nothing better to do than to go around and cause trouble. Well I'd had enough!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So at least once a week for the last forty years I have taken it upon myself to administer <strike>a slow but crippling pain</strike> </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">j</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">U<i>s</i>t</span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">i<b>ce </b></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">upon that town in order to </span><strike style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">get my bloody money back</strike><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">seek r</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">ecompense n</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ot just for myself but fo</span><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">r th</b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">e wor</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>ld at large</i></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">.</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So this is what I do, every Monday evening I consume either a massive egg curry or a huge meal consisting of Mr Brian Long's Thundergust Brussel Sprout specials. Then I go to bed. The following morning I then eat an equally enormous breakfast consisting of more Thundergust Brussel Sprout specials with lots of baked beans or the egg curry that had not been eaten the evening before. I then go and sit on the divan in the living room allowing everything to digest.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Then in the afternoon I get on board the London express train at Reading railway station. Note of warning here, it has to be the express train as speed is vital in order to obtain maximum dispersal upon reaching Slough. A stopping train is simply pointless. Once on board I find the nearest available lavatory, take down my trousers sit on its toilet and</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> start hyperventilating</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">. Another note of caution here, it is imperative to also remove ones underpants here otherwise the entire project will fail. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">On average the express train takes ten minutes to travel from Reading to Slough and it is important to wait until nine minutes and fifteen seconds before acting. When that time comes along stop hyperventilating, take as deep a breath as you can manage and then evacuate your bowels as hard as you possibly can into the toilet receptacle.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjskQ8GPGvM-BlJwVF45h7u3KjaheWRtO4rYRjk0wQc1z_OeyZg83kzP_E5ChDbZI9gS5b-kpiGo88XjRqN2KVD0nXzt5V0shmF1-bnvc95CvVLxOjnUjZh0N80EmMidJOg39XI2Xii6Bds/s1600/slough.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjskQ8GPGvM-BlJwVF45h7u3KjaheWRtO4rYRjk0wQc1z_OeyZg83kzP_E5ChDbZI9gS5b-kpiGo88XjRqN2KVD0nXzt5V0shmF1-bnvc95CvVLxOjnUjZh0N80EmMidJOg39XI2Xii6Bds/s200/slough.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evacuation</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Still holding your breath open the window, if it is one of those windows that is permanently locked then simply smash the thing and stick your head out whilst keeping one hand on the toilet flushing handle. The time between flushing the toilet and your evacuate being discarded onto the track is four seconds so do not flush until you are about three seconds from the end of the platform. At full speed this can be difficult to judge but after three months of doing this I got the timing perfectly right.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Once within range, flush the toilet, facilitating all your solid waste matter evacuate to be plastered all along the entire length of the platform track. At full speed you can coat at least two thirds the length of the platform depending on how much you have evacuated in to the receptacle. Slower speeds are obviously less but you do get a denser, more concentrated impact upon the travelling passengers and staff at Slough station waiting patiently for the next train but it is their fault for that traffic warden calling me a liar. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As I said earlier I have been doing this at least once a week at Slough train station for the last forty years. To date they still haven't attempted to compensate me for that hideous slander upon my personage but I sense they are starting to crack under the pressure. Any day now!</span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-58232235753883787052015-09-13T09:52:00.000+01:002016-06-21T16:41:49.740+01:00Quantitative Easing: An Explanation<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNBYszitvKvyCdwqkG85439wpllcSKxVJhnk4M5l8WVz93LjMs1_P_VKmEVEZHAVbk7JpBKrdVb_EIc4IfBTQNtgoVd2U4cCxn7Z11a42EBfD_oiD4K72-BocIgbS-x00Dr3JPJBT7A9sN/s1600/drunk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNBYszitvKvyCdwqkG85439wpllcSKxVJhnk4M5l8WVz93LjMs1_P_VKmEVEZHAVbk7JpBKrdVb_EIc4IfBTQNtgoVd2U4cCxn7Z11a42EBfD_oiD4K72-BocIgbS-x00Dr3JPJBT7A9sN/s320/drunk.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Quantitative Easing</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Quantitative Easing, yes that's right Quantitative Easing, just what the blazes is it? I frequently have disappointing people approaching me in the street asking me such questions. You may recall an earlier post in which I described one such disappointment asking me in his dialect "Oi you fahckin cahnt why don chew fahck orff!!' Unfortunately I didn't have a translator handy so his question was lost to the wind. But I digress!</span>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">So what is Quantitative Easing I hear you say. I don't know about you but I have trouble spelling the blasted thing let alone having to explain it. Nevertheless, after much personal research I have managed to get to grips with it and will now attempt to explain it through analogy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="more"></a></span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">If you wish to replicate my explanation yourself at home with your family you will need the following;</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><strong><u>An Economy</u></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">This is best represented through the use of a person. Economies are rather organic in their nature and not very scientific at all despite what economists tell you so a person fits the bill perfectly. I used five of these 'people.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><strong><u>A Bank</u></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Yes quantitative easing is all about those friendly, <strike>fascist, rip-orff, shitbags posing as</strike> nice institutions who look after your money so it is imperative to have them represented in this simulation. Again banks are just like people in that once they get hold of money they will fight to the death to keep hold of it no matter who they take down with em. For this simulation I suggest using a barman.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><strong><u>Money</u></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Yes money. Money has been described as, "The perfect liquid asset" and with this in mind I think a liquid makes good sense too. For this analogy I lined up several dozen few bottles of gin.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><strong><u>The Bank of England</u></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Obviously at the top of the pile this is the major player and it is imperative to get this in somewhere otherwise your simulation will be open to ridicule and we don't want any of that sort of thing do we. For this simulation I used a distillery</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Right so simply place your barman behind a bar at a discreet distance, may be cleaning the glasses, you know the sort of thing and get your 'economy' to inflow the first 'money.'</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> The 'Economy' is very pleased with this and therefore they all offer the 'bank' some of the 'money' as a sign of their contentment. Obviously not much happens here and in this case that reflects a perfectly healthy economic situation. The barman is happy polishing the glasses and enjoying a little drinkie and the 'economy' is happy has it has received an 'inflow.' Marvellous.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">This inflow process carries on until both the 'Economy' (the people) and the 'bank' (the barman) are absolutely plastered out of their heads and I'm talking really gone here. No light tipsiness or feeling a little woozy, no sir! I really mean it! Soused, blotto, planked, totally and utterly newscasted. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA0tvOZEcWoa-01gFlkIemUO-BIaHje6AJeXu5UbbBj6G6yNSxKgg2JK-T3VSL4VdSm3l9W1_CTFsZbkjEg9H0EjzLFjgtt-cG7EXpxoB_Z8UvxQtI3VRE-a0RbG6hqTzNhTys1He4oTEw/s1600/flairbartendergirl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA0tvOZEcWoa-01gFlkIemUO-BIaHje6AJeXu5UbbBj6G6yNSxKgg2JK-T3VSL4VdSm3l9W1_CTFsZbkjEg9H0EjzLFjgtt-cG7EXpxoB_Z8UvxQtI3VRE-a0RbG6hqTzNhTys1He4oTEw/s320/flairbartendergirl.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bank of England </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">This situation represents the current economic crisis with both the 'economy' AND 'the bank' of no value at all to anyone. This is where 'the bank of england' (the distillery) steps in to quantitatively easy the situation to bring about a more healthy economy. You see what happens is that with both the 'economy' AND the 'bank' totally incapacitated, the owners of the distillery start shitting themselves as nobody has the ability to get their wallets out of their pockets due to their plasterediness nor even stand up straight. With nobody drinking their gin they will go bust, will have to sell their homes, move in to a council house thus leading to unhappiness which leads to depression and we all know what that leads to. Yes that's right global thermonuclear war and we don't want that do we?!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">So this is where the quantitative easing comes in. The distillery (not wanting to end up in council run accomodation) starts distilling, or printin, more and more of its 'money' and simply hands it over to the barman to distribute to the 'economy' The idea being that with lots of free and cheap 'money' floating around everybody will eventually get bored of drinking it, start sobering up thus will be able to put their hands in their wallets and start eventually paying for the booze thus stimulating the 'economy' again and everything will be great. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new";">What actually happens though is that with all that free 'money' flowing in to the pub the barman (bank) simply starts drinking the lot for himself and his chums and starts using it to pay for vast swathes of land and property across the globe for his own selfish bleeding greed and gluttony leaving the 'economy' completely starved of any 'money' at all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new";">The moral of this analogy? If you want to rob a bank just go and bloody work for one. </span><br />
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Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-9502844311351589532015-08-23T18:20:00.002+01:002019-07-19T11:12:05.579+01:00What to do if a Celebrity Walks in to Your Pub?<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6cl_BZvZctuyb8Fi9u18rIv3I8DcwhiIdNANCOz_RG9FTd5BKSCOst3aGD_cURe5waH-RLxnc15x7P3e2yuR4Tgcv0ATxFLcbravLhOW9w280_qziG6HuUu4YfYIVBtZqFxm5LpwK7FIy/s1600/celebrities+06.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6cl_BZvZctuyb8Fi9u18rIv3I8DcwhiIdNANCOz_RG9FTd5BKSCOst3aGD_cURe5waH-RLxnc15x7P3e2yuR4Tgcv0ATxFLcbravLhOW9w280_qziG6HuUu4YfYIVBtZqFxm5LpwK7FIy/s320/celebrities+06.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not Mrs Cumberbatch's Husband</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Last week I was <i><strike>boozing it up at Madame Pompidu's</strike></i> was having a pimms </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">at my local pub. I'd had no choice really as I had popped in to the place to use the toilet but some arse was already in it so I had to pretend that I was there for a drink. Anyway, there was I looking quite resplendent at the bar when all of a sudden a celebrity walked in! I will refrain from divulging the name of this particular celebrity out of respect for the privacy of his wife, Mrs Cumberbatch.</span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Anyway, this sort of thing happens on occasion and has the potential to ruin a perfectly lovely day if not dealt with quickly. Mercifully, I had come prepared and the day was saved. So I will now detail the proper proceedure for such occurrences for the benefit of my followers so you too do not have to endure the indignity and humiliation of having to get bored senseless by such characters walking in to your <strike>boozer</strike> pub.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifCY7JM_1Si_VA2zJW3ird5GgzioeKUYAr7dWIdZk0whhi7tuCKQex2sD8Y5mvSiCIy1gl8suBqtVlqrZ_-w21PalcSJl-ZO6nX8_1TME9vqX_x2vs0dWpLD38dyf5IFc1vkfKaV9_V9uE/s1600/celbrities+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="152" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifCY7JM_1Si_VA2zJW3ird5GgzioeKUYAr7dWIdZk0whhi7tuCKQex2sD8Y5mvSiCIy1gl8suBqtVlqrZ_-w21PalcSJl-ZO6nX8_1TME9vqX_x2vs0dWpLD38dyf5IFc1vkfKaV9_V9uE/s200/celbrities+3.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pig Sty</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Before, starting it is worth pointing out how to identify celebrities. I mean there are so many of the swines around these days that it is just not simply possible to be 100% sure. One tell tale give away is to observe their reaction to salt or sugar. If you happen to see someone whom you suspect of being a celebrity, approaching your pub, restaurant or bistro then quickly lob the nearest salt or sugar pot in their general direction. If your suspect looks at you and shouts something in their dialect along the lines of 'Oi you fahckin wankah woss your game!? I'm gunna fahckin do you when I get in there!" then you have nothing to worry about. However, if the suspect immediately rushes to the broken pot and starts trying to inhale the salt/sugar through their nostrils then you have a celebrity on your hands and you must take immediate action.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">So your celebrity enters the pub. What's the first thing to do? That's right, backs to the wall! This may not actually be necessary but I have found that due to the vast amounts of cocaine they have on their breakfast cereal in the mornings, celebrities are confused individuals. For this reason many of them are unable to discern the difference between your common or garden pub and a farmyard pig sty. Standing against a wall nullifies their more carnal thought processes as they are in a position of trying to comprehend why you are not on all fours in front of them with either your skirt up or your trousers down.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha5dlS1w4SnumXzL5MfBPCTtyNf7zcDnJBXIOQpWrfm9lwNELeDAO7_84yMaSVDMm-sR8HVahA0CNm4zuF5DfiMpJcPTXHDBGvd7g_3CdJC8PWRnmbbZ_ww8EcnTT2zUPgUxtf4XjhIDLb/s1600/celebrities+02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha5dlS1w4SnumXzL5MfBPCTtyNf7zcDnJBXIOQpWrfm9lwNELeDAO7_84yMaSVDMm-sR8HVahA0CNm4zuF5DfiMpJcPTXHDBGvd7g_3CdJC8PWRnmbbZ_ww8EcnTT2zUPgUxtf4XjhIDLb/s200/celebrities+02.jpg" width="200" /></a> </td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Workington Special</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Now in some situations there may well not be any place against the wall to stand as the pub is full. This can be a bit tricky and fighting with a human obstacle for that last place is very uncivilised. However, if you have your pistol at hand you can conveniently remove an obstacle quite efficiently. I use the Luger bla bla bla as it just looks very nice in the hand, a bit like ten pound notes. However, on this particular occasion the thing was empty as some local business had been attended to earlier that morning so there was no ammunition left, very sad. Nevertheless, I had brought along my camouflage paint and I quickly adorned my face with an appropriate camouflage pattern to merge with my surroundings Yes that's right I painted myself yellow so as to mimic a banana. Why did I do this? Well for the more intelligent of you I dare say you have worked this one out already, yes that's right I was standing in the vicinity of a slot machine and three bananas were on display. I thought I was a perfect match but that bleeder somehow knew I was there! Personally I reckon one of the other pub-goers had grassed me up to Mrs Comberbitch's husband and he came straight at me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Once this happened I knew I had to act fast and so immediately put on my gas mask. To the casual observer this may seem a trifle extreme but I assure you that it is very good housekeeping. You see celebrities aren't like normal people. They regard society's conventions and norms as things for... well... for other people. On it's own this is not a problem yet your celebrity is compelled to display their wanton disregard for society akin to a peacock displaying its feathers. However, they are in the strange position of not knowing how to display this disregard and so have to improvise as best they can.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij53fDZao6D5WYD19y6d3C-WBpbfpbZ9Vbdg4XNKZZ66BPxLwB1HGFs8teMA_qevw2lTvCDf3N9rT09SKO_qHKcacRWkP3KROvyaPcWPClYdMM93TGwJOFLM1UwV3Kti6eEJWZ7IGM1FZP/s1600/celebrities.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij53fDZao6D5WYD19y6d3C-WBpbfpbZ9Vbdg4XNKZZ66BPxLwB1HGFs8teMA_qevw2lTvCDf3N9rT09SKO_qHKcacRWkP3KROvyaPcWPClYdMM93TGwJOFLM1UwV3Kti6eEJWZ7IGM1FZP/s320/celebrities.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oscar Ceremony</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">So what do they do? That's right, they break wind. And I'm not talking mild releases here, no sir! I'm talking real window breaking broken wind. Have you ever wondered why the Oscar ceremony is held in such large venues? Well that's the reason. I know everybody looks tarted up etc but you should be there after twenty minutes with that lot stinking the place out! It's a disgrace! What's worse is that they actually prime themselves up before going out. That's why so many of em are on the Atkins diet don cha know! It's not about losing weight at all it's about wind! Anyway armed with these facts I donned my gas mask and watched Mrs Comboverbitch's husband's face drop. In one swoop I had completely emasculated him!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The thing to do then is to break your own wind. As much as you possibly can. Get yourself primed before you go out. I use Brian Long's Thundergust Brussel Sprout Specials, grown in his very own allotment. My valet, Courtney (God rest his soul) was known for his 'Workington Special' in which he could clear out an entire pub in one go but he had stomach ulcers. Nevertheless Brian Long is on facebook don cha know so contact him there. You'll only need one before going out and that will give you enough thrust to last six hours. Marvellous. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Brian Long</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">It's also important here to know that celebrities are well versed in breaking their wind so it is vital not to underestimate them. You must be prepared to out-break their own wind at all costs. These people really know what they're doing. They haven't yet got wind of Brian Long's Thundergust specials and he vets all his customers to ensure celebrities don't get their hands on em. You may also have to sign an end-user agreement so you can't resell them.</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">After what was a titanic battle of wind between myself and Mrs Comboverpatch's husband I could see he was starting to wear down. This was when he threw his last roll of the dice at me. Yes that's right he tried to hypnotise me! Oh yes by Jimeny he did! Celebrities often do this as a last resort. Not because then know how to hypnotise people but more like they think they know how to hypnotise people. Regrettably sometimes it works and I've seen many good man fall to his knees because of a celebrity hypnotist. Very sad. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Nevertheless I avoided eye-contact and despite him trying to stare at me I was too fast for him. You must then go on the attack. I find the best thing to do here is to start talking about canal boating holidays or cheeses from the Cotswolds. You celebrity simply can not handle the fact that you could possibly be talking about something other than them in their own presence. It is the ultimate humiliation for them and before you know it they will have about turned and stormed out of you pub. This will be accompanied by some shouting and swearing along the lines of 'this is the most boring pub I have been in anywhere in the whole wide world etc' but this is them being unable to handle the rejection. Ultimately, this is just bravado and typical of the sort of hissy-fits that these people are capable of. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">In conclusion then, always carry your gas-mask and camouflage paint. Never look em in the eye and always eat your greens. Take these precautions before going out to your favourite <strike>pub</strike> boozer and you will have years of celebrity-free socialising. Marvellous.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-62644220287390499442015-08-09T21:12:00.002+01:002015-08-09T21:12:42.234+01:00Moustache Breakdown: Ryan Pike<div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvbx7Utp82IuvadP4XWc_FcMHxYEcazGbPmtHAI3Cisj_pMraeYyEKNlw9Cm5dplhq8aCQ4uVF2UMPhKff9qgSiM_Rc5S2u-nsSVeWt07BLlV0Steh7zCBtAliZ8vLEhzZXr9JmMjjsND1/s1600/Moustache+Pike+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvbx7Utp82IuvadP4XWc_FcMHxYEcazGbPmtHAI3Cisj_pMraeYyEKNlw9Cm5dplhq8aCQ4uVF2UMPhKff9qgSiM_Rc5S2u-nsSVeWt07BLlV0Steh7zCBtAliZ8vLEhzZXr9JmMjjsND1/s320/Moustache+Pike+.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Superstructure</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Moustaches, yes that's moustaches! Once the purview of the masses in the Western world it signified the end of childhood for a young man and the start of a career as canon fodder for the Great Imperial British military.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I tell you now that of all the myriad examples of Great British military incompetence and catastrophe at the very least all the men went down with a decent moustache across their face. No namby-pamby wishy-washy crippity-crappy clean shaven nonsense here I can tell you. No Sir by Jimeny No! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But while those days are gone the basic principles of a decent moustache remain with us and that is something to be proud of. Organisations such as The Handlebar Club and The Moustache Mafia espouse the virtues and practicalities of a good solid moustache placed firmly right in the centre of one's face. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nuclear Holocaust</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Recently, The Devon and Cornwall Beard and Moustache Championships were held in err.. well Devon or Cornwall. I don't know I'm not a bleeding Geographer for God's sake. Nevertheless in the Moustache category the chap who came second was Captain Ryan Pike. I think the thing was rigged myself especially as I had put a 50 pence on him coming first. Nevertheless, I think it is worthwhile him give a full moustache breakdown here so the kids can see, learn and inwardly digest.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Overall Pike has decided upon a utilitarian design rather than something aimed at display. There are a few hints here at ostentation but even these have yielded to function. This is particularly true for twiddle factor.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Pike has gone for a mild twiddle factor here with a slight splay of the moustache tips. This slight splay of the ends assists when travelling at speed by creating a helpful vortex either side of the super structure. The same vortex effect is created in birds as they hunt. The more pointy the tips the less drag there is to affect speed and the faster Pike can go in his motor car. These days of course people don't need this feature as we can shoot our prey but as stated earlier form takes precedence over utility in modern moustachistic display and competition.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The slight splay also serves to attract the female of the species. Their own twiddle skills are inferior to those of the male as they don't get the opportunity to practice. The splay here nullifies the effect of imprecise female twiddling, something that would be almost impossible on a needle-tip moustache. The downside to this is that wider forms, as opposed to the needle tip, mean there is poor wifi reception. Ordinarily this is not a problem but on those odd occasions wifi is just simply good to have for example in case a person finds themselves lost in the desert and their GPS isn't working very well. Or perhaps an urgent email from Auntie Beryl has arrived. The possibilities are endless.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Pike's moustache also pays very good heed to it's background. He hasn't gone all Bavarian on this one. Going Bavarian is all very well in Bavaria with beer froth accumulation a crucial factor but not here. Froth accumulation necessitates volume, lots of it, hence the sometimes nebulous quantities of growth and minimal deforestation in your average Barvarian fellow. Furthermore, it doubles as winter insulation which is needed in the dry cold Bavarian winters. Here in Blighty however winters, while cold are also wet and volume in growth means the adorner has to either wear something over their moustache or accept that their head will be weighed down with water condensation. Neither situation is very nice and it is why going Bavarian is for Bavarians.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3JWDZ9uckWW9b-_x3yGjuvD-4zRHvr5bIWhUT9ehaMCXopiOxiSWcgDVagovlA2zuPkJYIr7fATT_RBP1LsguvnqlnNp3IaV1-SUQHDvr6CO839Gcf4AgTmRFiWIX3o94azvgcnYiiWQ5/s1600/nelson+klerke.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3JWDZ9uckWW9b-_x3yGjuvD-4zRHvr5bIWhUT9ehaMCXopiOxiSWcgDVagovlA2zuPkJYIr7fATT_RBP1LsguvnqlnNp3IaV1-SUQHDvr6CO839Gcf4AgTmRFiWIX3o94azvgcnYiiWQ5/s1600/nelson+klerke.jpeg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Helpful Vortexes</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">In juxtaposition Pike has kept his moustache under control and has resisted any temptation for ostentation. Notice also the pipe. This is often overlooked by moustachiers in favour of a cigarette. This is the most heinous of errors. A pipe keeps the tobacco smoke at bay whilst a cigarette means there is no fire control. The smoke slowly rises and drifts into the moustache slowly staining it. While this is acceptable to a younger moustachier, with a coloured moustache an older moustachier will have grey. I don't know about you but grey with tobacco stains looks ghastly at best! The moustachier becomes subject to ridicule for his bad facekeeping, leading to dishevelment, dishevelment leads to disrepair, disrepair leads to slovenliness, slovenliness leads to depression and we all know what that leads to don't we. Yes that's right, global nuclear holocaust and we don't want that sort of thing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">What Pike's pipe is doing is nestling securely between mouth and moustache. The moustachioed upward curve just as the lip ends means the pipe gently glides in to his gob without unwanted entanglement leaving him free to have a civilised conversation with for example his Auntie Beryl, Arthur Trubshaw, Dame Helen Mirren or a whole host of other celebrities queuing up to get </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">tips on things such as general car maintenance, how to get red wine stains out of a car park and what have you.</span></span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-touch-callout: none; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Overall a rather earthy bouquet with a lightness towards the ends. Plenty of body with just a slight hint of latent violence. I recommend this as a summer accompaniment to a fresh salad or gazpacho before having someone shot for treason. Marvellous</span>.</span><br />
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Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-20665270050979908092015-08-02T22:50:00.000+01:002015-08-12T22:54:11.485+01:00Mission to Pluto: A Layman's Guide<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYuB-E-rTXMuDoi19G-GDVMq1C73nwVN8_4DjJYgXfLjcaiwtdmDKdzHc3fNrgRswSGwQ373TaQYMqOpuUya-NeULwgj_Nlc2mzzaTSI0ox7iRwP26s8hhwgLaOWszBlhswouwcKz4VBcA/s1600/Pluto-.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYuB-E-rTXMuDoi19G-GDVMq1C73nwVN8_4DjJYgXfLjcaiwtdmDKdzHc3fNrgRswSGwQ373TaQYMqOpuUya-NeULwgj_Nlc2mzzaTSI0ox7iRwP26s8hhwgLaOWszBlhswouwcKz4VBcA/s320/Pluto-.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px; text-align: center;">Bolsheviks</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right then A few weeks ago those incredibly clever boffins at NASA; </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The National Arbeiten and Space Administration saw the culmination of a ten year mission to the planet Pluto to seek out new life and new civilisations</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Apparently, it's not a planet any more because The IAU; International Astronomical Union (obviously a left wing body) decided to change Pluto's status from a planet to a dwarf planet. Well what does that mean? I'll tell you what it means, it means that Bolsheviks can do anything they bloody well want and get away with it! It's a disgrace!</span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So with the exception of seeking out new life and new civilisations and boldly going where no split infinitive has gone before what was this all about? Many have claimed that the whole thing at nearly a Billion dollars was a complete waste of money that could just as easily have been spent on weapons. That is another issue though. Well the whole thing is a little bizarre to the average lay person so I will attempt to sum up the entire venture through analogy.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhynwX4Y0LNwHkIyu7L_1E3SpEN2ClukLr45ftbm6aR2NdqKVvZyoP2-HV7dEEgFa-ID5s61CyDl3TUtjbU15L8a92uSL3RDFuAaf1ZdmcwsckfDaWMLS2BREdJnvaHDE8RU-qXJt2JNWCN/s1600/pluto2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhynwX4Y0LNwHkIyu7L_1E3SpEN2ClukLr45ftbm6aR2NdqKVvZyoP2-HV7dEEgFa-ID5s61CyDl3TUtjbU15L8a92uSL3RDFuAaf1ZdmcwsckfDaWMLS2BREdJnvaHDE8RU-qXJt2JNWCN/s200/pluto2.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px; text-align: center;">Planet Blotto</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">First of all you will need something to represent planet Earth. That is easy as I can do that job. Then you will need something to represent the New Horizons probe, this is the name of the actual probe that NASDA sent to the planet Bluto in the first place. For this you will need something that can follow instructions very well without question. I recommend my butler, Bell (Rupert).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Once you've sorted that lot out you will need something to represent the planet Blutto. It has to be something interesting but also very cold to mimic its not only it's freezing temperatures but also that of space the final frontier. So for example an ice-cube would be acceptable one supposes but nevertheless it is heading in the right direction so how about adding it to a large gin tonic with ice and lemon. Excellent.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Then you will need something to represent the blurring effect of Earth's atmosphere on an optical telescope. Off the top of my head I'd suggest a bottle of vodka and some orange juice.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Finally, you will need something to represent the solar system. Now because the solar system is very big I recommend using somewhere with a lot of space in it. So how about a very long pub before opening time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">OK so what you do is place the gin and tonic with ice and lemon, remember this represents the planet Blotto, at one end of the aforementioned pub. Then make you way to the other end of said pub. Right so far so good, now you need to mimic the effects of Earth's atmosphere upon your vision so down the bottle of Vodka with the orange and wait for about an hour.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px; text-align: center;">New Civilisations</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Once you've come out of your coma, try locating the planet Blotto. What will the results be? I'll tell you what the results will be everything will be blurred and out of focus. Of course you will want to see if the gin and tonic is still there but it will be impossible to determine this through the thick fog of your vodka induced haze. So what do you do? That's right you call Bell the Butler over and you send him to see if it is still where you left it. He then goes to check on it's status and he shouts at the top of his voice in his native dialect something like "Oi fatso! Yorf uckin' drinks tilear!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Of course that isn't enough is it! How do you know the bleeder hasn't drank the blasted thing for himself? You don't so you get him to bring it back, this represents the photographs and telemetry of the planet Blotto and also NASDAP's marvellous feat of engineering the New Horizons probe. Once Bell the Butler brings it back you naturally consume all the telemetry and data all in one go and feel very chuffed with yourself. Marvellous.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-34696953802306604192015-07-25T00:02:00.001+01:002015-07-25T00:02:44.768+01:00I Did it My Way<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ4F18kwZFdlp5BVwwmUteHmeDW0L09Xt0Rz3yH1rNgDasYbaQ4ZhICCOJMZkxb_0nEsShlMkZ014UsTJ7e8WdJ856tvzk0IXS2Yb5vTbnYFgh8Jt6FvBgNfRQDD_693p-3HZbNV6FJrTl/s1600/My+way.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ4F18kwZFdlp5BVwwmUteHmeDW0L09Xt0Rz3yH1rNgDasYbaQ4ZhICCOJMZkxb_0nEsShlMkZ014UsTJ7e8WdJ856tvzk0IXS2Yb5vTbnYFgh8Jt6FvBgNfRQDD_693p-3HZbNV6FJrTl/s320/My+way.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Frank Sinatra</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">
You know I've been ruminating recently about how amazing I am </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">and </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">how incredible my life is. I started with nothing don cha know and have made to where I am today with a bit of luck, some very good investing, hard work, skill and judgement.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If I can do it then anybody can! People need to get up orff their arses and just go for it. There is nothing stopping anyone these days and there is no point whining about it. Nobody just becomes successful by sitting on their huge, horrible, hairy, malodorous backside and expecting everything to just fall in to their lap! No Sir by Jimeny it simply doesn't work that way!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I see people being poor, like I once was, getting themselves locked up for trying to steal food for their children or working silly-billy hours because they haven't got the sense to get a better paid job or start their own munitions factory. They loaf around scrounging orff the state because they haven't got it in em to ask for a pay rise or get an additional job. It's a disgrace!</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUYm_z582tyP9hdE8Zm6Oj6H7iDDGgd8WflDbSHhyhxL_eBbAq4VpJXJaAZK4zQ30TekUORbx3NeZAn6uY8jCLbYXHxn_XlOJCiySLpfnYbHPwFol-rO32Cnlp5t9j0pp5c4ddi8gtoLw8/s1600/My+wayy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUYm_z582tyP9hdE8Zm6Oj6H7iDDGgd8WflDbSHhyhxL_eBbAq4VpJXJaAZK4zQ30TekUORbx3NeZAn6uY8jCLbYXHxn_XlOJCiySLpfnYbHPwFol-rO32Cnlp5t9j0pp5c4ddi8gtoLw8/s200/My+wayy.jpg" width="189" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Prostitution</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Mercifully, I am a very generous individual so I'm going to share my story on how I made it to the tip top of the ladder. As I said before if I can do it then anybody can do it. </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Having nothing means it's always good to start small and then slowly slowly invest a little here and a little there. Never put all your eggs in one basket and always make sure you have a thoroughly researched exit plan. Also, knowing when to quit helps too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As I said I had absolutely nothing when I started so I went and asked Daddy Ware-Armitage for three million pounds. He actually gave me four million pounds as that was what he'd given to brother William Ware-Armitage two days before. The interest rate on this proved negligible after Daddy Ware-Armitage was shot in the back at the ideal home exhibition way back when, very sad. I did have to pay this back after a period of time but once the inheritance came through I just covered it with that.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGWbm1MJed6_sDmPuekJXwVj-2R11XbBkFrJXf9YinqlYFpin20VR4Bvv1UwlMSBXnRDnowGo0H508gJAyxTdzOBOgVEl2nlQJuq0kKr7qn2rxnzhCcNdA7rkOPURFQB-cyFLRpOFBQs6f/s1600/my-wayyyyyy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGWbm1MJed6_sDmPuekJXwVj-2R11XbBkFrJXf9YinqlYFpin20VR4Bvv1UwlMSBXnRDnowGo0H508gJAyxTdzOBOgVEl2nlQJuq0kKr7qn2rxnzhCcNdA7rkOPURFQB-cyFLRpOFBQs6f/s320/my-wayyyyyy.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Global War: Not my doing, I was elsewhere, far away.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I then purchased a small munitions factory in which I got people to invest heavily in in 1912 which purely by chance and with absolutely nothing to do with me, Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot in the back starting a global war, very sad. After that another war started a few years later and I really did clean up with those two. </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Of course things do occasionally go wrong like with my investments in Cuba on a beach resort called the Bay of Pigs, bit of an unusual name that one but nevertheless it all went a bit sour and collapsed completely when one of the investors got shot in the back whilst driving along in a motorcade, very sad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So that's how you do it. Simple really, I don't know what all the fuss is about and I'm fed up with people pretending that they are somehow impoverished. I tell them my story and you should see the look of incredulity on their faces. They really can't believe just how clever I am, very sad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Then again their is always prostitution and what with the recession the price of that is coming down too. Bloody marvellous.</span><br />
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Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0Sarajevo, Bosnia and Herzegovina43.8562586 18.41307630000005743.6731771 18.090352800000058 44.0393401 18.735799800000056tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-33756349079454210242015-06-28T19:11:00.002+01:002015-09-26T08:52:15.403+01:00Toilet Paper Puzzler<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQPnt8RveCP1Rp0EMeMgjmb4HEFilPhkhKkxzMW0R_WTWCpaYE3L6XjAkjmsyfHV_LEMdvdpurR7lisCGvcFTnKywDLvy0hlN83BEs0n_sR9-9gimYsun2pYlz1JIWgmiFUj8vL4ETIPDs/s1600/Toilet+Paper+Puzzler+.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQPnt8RveCP1Rp0EMeMgjmb4HEFilPhkhKkxzMW0R_WTWCpaYE3L6XjAkjmsyfHV_LEMdvdpurR7lisCGvcFTnKywDLvy0hlN83BEs0n_sR9-9gimYsun2pYlz1JIWgmiFUj8vL4ETIPDs/s320/Toilet+Paper+Puzzler+.PNG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Intellect</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Take a look at this photo, I think anyone with a modicum of intellect will know what is going on here. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yes that's right are you an 'A' or a 'B'? Many people become very worked up over this matter so I thought it would be an excellent thing to clear it all up once and for all before rational human beings start killing each other.</span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Personally, I don't pay much attention to this kind of detail in my life, so long as I have a large gin and tonic, some very nice food and very nice clothes to wear I am very happy... Oh and money.... but I digress, let's concentrate on the lavatory paper. Part of the problem here is that people tend not to have much to do whilst sitting on a toilet so their minds wander and they focus on all sorts of irrelevant things at hand, the loo-roll configuration almost always becomes the victim if these mindless wanderings hence the vehemence of people's opinions of the photograph.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As you can see you are either an 'A' over-roller or a 'B' under-roller. Now Over-Rollers have the advantage of having the paper closer at hand than Under-Rollers, however the paper here has the disadvantage of being subject to breezes and consequent flapping in the wind and of course when I say wind this can mean anything in a lavatory so please be careful. Flapping paper can be most unsightly for some and act as a distraction whilst shitting, quite possibly leading to constipation! As I have indicated earlier none of this is very important and there are in fact people suffering in the world at this very moment from famine, war and other such things.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcFhtsl5BYBed-wHqsl9POxqW7hnra-9C5MM7CztTQjwAKpbcA2YCwZ1BXE0C2Wlv_gMWH-CUCB2TEfDclVc3lIrAKOZrXLaHc9e3N_DXyKcBUa7XA9nU45WD723TrPZQvWYWl9UMedp9I/s1600/toilet+paper+puzzler+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcFhtsl5BYBed-wHqsl9POxqW7hnra-9C5MM7CztTQjwAKpbcA2YCwZ1BXE0C2Wlv_gMWH-CUCB2TEfDclVc3lIrAKOZrXLaHc9e3N_DXyKcBUa7XA9nU45WD723TrPZQvWYWl9UMedp9I/s200/toilet+paper+puzzler+2.jpg" width="114" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Throne</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Now then'B,' the Under-Rollers! Under-Rollers have the disadvantage of the paper being slightly further away and they have to reach just that little bit more in order to grab it the paper. However, on an aesthetic lever the dangling bit of paper is flush with the wall so you will not find incidences of distractive paper flapping in wind thus leaving the toileter to have a complete distraction free shitting experience. Marvellous. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So now then, the big questions is which are you? Please feel free to leave your preferred choice of 'A' or 'B' in the comments below and by all means leave a comment referring to why you prefer one over the other.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I prefer to remain impartial in this matter so I will refrain from stating my preference. So, to sum up are you an 'A' an Over-Roller who just needs to be a little closer to the paper for peace of mind? Or are you a 'B' an Under-Rolling, narrow minded, wind breaking fat-arsed Fascio-Stalinist back stabbing, fifth column trouble maker with what can only be described as ano-spasmodic hypo-analgesic neurological diaphorasmentatial cross-peleptic cranio-misalignmental delusions of superiority and need to be escorted immediately to the garden wall and shot.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right so, all you have to do is leave a comment below with a forwarding address for our people to come round and give you a little present for your time and effort if you know what is good for you. No pressure.</span><br />
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Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-54760831964726666482015-05-31T20:45:00.000+01:002015-05-31T20:50:34.627+01:00Single or Double Vented Blazer? The Options<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO-a-3gafDJ7llYRnOLmYBXja88_7XLxzNgDwTSTvy1xmPG5jIzd95vcAl4R3hbq0jYgZMYYUUdzfaV8MUq9r6d_yjQtujNqX0HQaI1s4tg0ZS_DC_kQgQHcD44N4f54baOXohoxIdQV83/s1600/vents+no.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO-a-3gafDJ7llYRnOLmYBXja88_7XLxzNgDwTSTvy1xmPG5jIzd95vcAl4R3hbq0jYgZMYYUUdzfaV8MUq9r6d_yjQtujNqX0HQaI1s4tg0ZS_DC_kQgQHcD44N4f54baOXohoxIdQV83/s400/vents+no.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Downward Blast </td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right then so vents on blazers! That's right vents on blazers, is it a hullabaloo or something important? Well obviously it's important else I wouldn't be writing about it. The question is why is it important? Should a person don a double, single or no vented blazer? There's just so much to choose from. Ultimately it all comes down to personal choice as there are pros and cons for each variant. Well with this quick handy blog post I hope to answer those questions and may be a few more. First up the no-vent.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><u>No-Vent</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The No Vent has it's origins in that land of eternal style and fashion, Italy. The Italians have a remarkable eye for the detail don cha know and this is why they got rid of the vent in the first place. Ultimately the vent is utilitarian and detracts from form! In other words vents are useful but a look rubbish! Taking away the vent left the suit looking streamlined giving the illusion that the wearer was not only taller but had a touch of elegance about them. The downside was that when the chappie sat down or put his hands in his trousers the blazer would ride up at the sides causing a bunched up look which, over time, caused creases, which lead to frustration, leading to anger and then global nuclear holocaust and we don't want that now do we. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNdeKrPC6ybHepUddE92hhOszU60Iw2PAFH86ubw-MmN5JUesmREWKKKEpEzbvwqDV6fQdxK5Qz92r0JuLm6PuIkVre_VeooyIysEdRCmC36jzYyyxbFUSrOJ7ofgFvg5ek52rg19tMpG8/s1600/vents+no+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="204" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNdeKrPC6ybHepUddE92hhOszU60Iw2PAFH86ubw-MmN5JUesmREWKKKEpEzbvwqDV6fQdxK5Qz92r0JuLm6PuIkVre_VeooyIysEdRCmC36jzYyyxbFUSrOJ7ofgFvg5ek52rg19tMpG8/s320/vents+no+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Blast!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So is that all? Is that it for the no vent blazer? Well no sir by Jimeny it isn't! There is a far more important question than this concerning the no vent, yes sir there is! It's a question that overrides the notions of aesthetics and form over utilitarian function and all that sort of tosh. The real question about the no vent that everybody wants to know is the question of wind! That's right wind! of the broken variety... What happens when you break wind?! That's right, where does all the gas go? You hadn't thought of that had you! Where does it all go? Well I'll tell you where it all goes it gets blasted downwards as that's the only way out. Over time it gets worse too! The constant blasting against the fabric will eventually blow right though it! And supposing you were at a gala function or afternoon tea at Lady Brunhilde Dooms-Patterson's then you'd look a bit of a fool with ripped blazer wouldn't you!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Supposing a policeman were to creep up behind you and grab you round the neck? What would you do? Well blasting out a couple of hot cubic litres of gas would be pointless wouldn't it as it would be blasted on to the floor! None of it would end up in the face of PC Plod would it and he'd be at liberty to do what he damn well likes NO SIR! For that scenario you'd need a single vent. </span><br />
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<b style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><u>Single Vent</u></b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXuusaFBWXcbIJg4QaMIRzvZcRneaFESLB4em9DR-2Ly7VAUSoDmRMpS6E15y24AJ0vtu-aV5YglN7GsQl6I1U34Hs_5bRRJjM6Y1tv9bnGGXLR08h0jyqev-9NWjqJ2kyi8umwmsI-8WB/s1600/Vents.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXuusaFBWXcbIJg4QaMIRzvZcRneaFESLB4em9DR-2Ly7VAUSoDmRMpS6E15y24AJ0vtu-aV5YglN7GsQl6I1U34Hs_5bRRJjM6Y1tv9bnGGXLR08h0jyqev-9NWjqJ2kyi8umwmsI-8WB/s200/Vents.jpg" width="162" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Back Blast</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This is why a single vent at the back of your blazer is preferable to the no vent. You can fart hard to incapacitate an assailant or even someone ahead of you at the bar without causing accumulated damage to your fabric. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And there is another advantage over the no vent here too. If you find your situation getting a bit sticky with your assailant you can either bend forward just a tad or put your hands in your pockets thus causing the vent to open up just enough to give you that extra thrust necessary to tip him over the edge. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">And there is another benefit here too, as the vent parts the blazer falls a little to your sides thus protecting innocent civilians to your left and right not just from released gas but also from exposure too should your trousers have been dropped. This is important! The last thing you need is collateral damage in the form of innocent bystanders.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Oh and the single vent is more popular in the United States and Australia than in the UK, it was a variant developed for people riding horses and facilitated the blazer to drape either side of the rider's legs whilst saddled. It is slightly cheaper than the double vent for this reason.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><u>The Double Vent</u></b></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgif0xPL-fPWw103lJULP72o3lx3-eEo-1268vJkUzbU4SNYijdkbRXO4bDqumLcTYsxWFtEaI5MUvh1lGk6-o4w-ji8XSzCCQGUIP7TbmR6VUl4jOWDy1HjOFeTZDITcNCrF5bmvcDVKvl/s1600/Vents+side.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgif0xPL-fPWw103lJULP72o3lx3-eEo-1268vJkUzbU4SNYijdkbRXO4bDqumLcTYsxWFtEaI5MUvh1lGk6-o4w-ji8XSzCCQGUIP7TbmR6VUl4jOWDy1HjOFeTZDITcNCrF5bmvcDVKvl/s200/Vents+side.jpg" width="162" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Double Blast</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Now the double vent has it's pros and cons too. For a start it suffers from the same problem as the no vent, when you blast your fart out of your arse with the assailant standing right behind you he will be insulated from the more damaging effects by the fabric and you don't want that! You can physically lift the flap but that just looks ungainly as you try to release the gas, can't have that! This doesn't look good for the double vent.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">However, all is not lost because if you are accosted from either side of you then you are in a winning situation with the double vent. You see the blast will invariably fire out of the side vents taking both your attackers down in one blow! Marvellous. I've done this myself on at least two occasions with stunning effectiveness. Both men were rendered completely incapacitated for 45 seconds giving me time to call the rozzers!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Word of warning here, whilst releasing the wind, it is imperative to remain standing upright. Bending over here will cause the sides of your blazer to hang downwards thus exposing potential arseage to the general public. Usually, if well trousered, the public can handle betrousered arse without batting an eyelid but do keep this in mind.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Oh yes and the double vent prevents creasing, covers your backside when you put your hands in your pockets and if you've got a fat arse it won't show as much.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-79367299755106231672015-05-17T11:38:00.000+01:002015-05-18T12:05:24.665+01:00How to Cancel a Romantic Date<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTH4up-TA7jXUPLKRiLSLGhv3tNSjR_PVrHZBfYOK3oXR_NJowsy3a9Exai4eGhfTaMn1w7gROb0Yhoy20Uk2C70aMEvJ_kQSmA9iu-mjOjCDzzyCw5KZSk_u1JFEVBWuQrw4LQ5kiTixI/s1600/stand+up+date+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTH4up-TA7jXUPLKRiLSLGhv3tNSjR_PVrHZBfYOK3oXR_NJowsy3a9Exai4eGhfTaMn1w7gROb0Yhoy20Uk2C70aMEvJ_kQSmA9iu-mjOjCDzzyCw5KZSk_u1JFEVBWuQrw4LQ5kiTixI/s320/stand+up+date+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stabbings</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Going on a date is always very exiting, you just never know how much money will turn out to be in the other person's bank account. If you're really lucky you may actually like them too. </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">However, occasionally it may be necessary to cancel the date at the last minute and that is never a good thing leading to resentment, bitterness, reprisals, vendettas and all too frequently, stabbings. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">One is personally stood up all the time and quite accustomed to it but this wasn't always the case. The first seventy-five times this happened one found oneself all alone without the woman telling me she'd changed her mind, leaving me to stand in the fairground by myself surrounded by trash going about its' business stealing wallets, urinating in their trousers and all that sort of thing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But I digress, being stood up is not a very pleasant feeling and indeed it is not a very nice thing to do but sometimes there is just no option and you have to cancel. However provided you know what you are doing it is entirely feasible to undertake a face saving procedure for the woman if you know precisely what you are doing. So I have devised this tip-top sure-fire extraction procedure to negate the effects of having cancelled. It is quick, clean with a no mess attitude that not only saves face but by the end of it she will have forgotten all about it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br />The procedure;-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">1) Fear</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">2) Panic</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">4) Extrication</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">5) Cup of Tea</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right so you're on your way to rendezvous with your date but all of a sudden cricket, live from the Oval, comes on over the radio and you have to cancel. This is when you spring in to action.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><u><b>FEAR</b></u></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUxGgzI1dZC-x8onpoi_vITjt8NR8BS_FzmqtJUzm3Isj3tTpa0kVPe7Si0xb9j6IQ1W5nkbI17g34vrG-Fx9jWTlpQHeuBBWX2H4Y6DCEsuiT8AnGAcvxtG3apuRP2fnQTBFn5-CqfD8I/s1600/stand+up+date+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUxGgzI1dZC-x8onpoi_vITjt8NR8BS_FzmqtJUzm3Isj3tTpa0kVPe7Si0xb9j6IQ1W5nkbI17g34vrG-Fx9jWTlpQHeuBBWX2H4Y6DCEsuiT8AnGAcvxtG3apuRP2fnQTBFn5-CqfD8I/s320/stand+up+date+4.jpg" width="209" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Henley-On-Thames</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yes fear, you need to first instil fear or even better terror into the heart and mind of the woman awaiting you. Why do this? Well primarily it is to not only make her forget about the date but also to make her grateful it didn't actually happen in the first place. I use an explosive device planted in an appropriate place a day or two beforehand the date just as a precaution but it may well be that you won't actually need it. Good planning is essential. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Ensure the explosive device is placed at a safe distance from the date as it </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">is vitally important for her not to be injured in any way. I</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> usually place the device underneath a car or van for quick installation and removal but buildings and even newspapers sellers are just as effective. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b><u>PANIC</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yes panic, a bomb going orff on it's own is enough to instil fear in many but not necessarily panic. You see fear can often leave people standing completely motionless, panic however can cause people to run and that is exactly what you want here. So assuming your date hasn't fled in panic you need to take steps to instigate this. For this you will need several hysterical loons brandishing AK 47s or some other such similar piece of equipment. After detonation release the loons from a strategically placed van onto the street and tell em they are in a Hollywood action film, loons love action films don cha know, and that they should shoot as and when they like, willy-nilly all over the place. If you can persuade them to shout something like 'Allah Akhbar' or 'Up the Revolution' that would be super.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">With fear and panic instilled in to your date she should start to run for her life, now to the next part.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b><u>EXTRICATION</u></b></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getaway Car</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Right, so your date is fleeing in terror, now you spring in to action and extricate her from the situation. For this I use the Brazzi Brothers from Palermo in Sicily, a lovely part of the world where it is possible to get a whole range of personalised services for just such occasions and many more if you know what I mean... So your date is fleeing from the loons and with a bit of planning it will be into the arms of the Brazzi Brothers. Extrication can be a messy process at times so it is important to take full control immediately. As your date approaches one of two to three getaway cars she must be grabbed and bundled in to the car. Note not in the boot! just on to the back seat between two of the Brazzi Brothers to stop her escaping from the car. As soon as everybody is in motorman puts his foot down and splits the scene pronto. Extrication complete. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><u>CUP OF TEA</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Yes a cup of tea! Drive immediately to the nearest countryside tea rooms. The reason for this is to calm your date down after such intense activity. The quicker this is done the better for her overall well being as it is rather a lot for one person to take in for one day and on a psychological level it's important for your date to be happy for when you reschedule the next meeting. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">My favoured tea room is The Chocolate Theatre in Henley-on-Thames, a marvellous place, it has a lovely view overlooking the river Thames and also makes very nice seafood vol-au-vonts. If at any point the dates starts calming down in the car then ensure the driver swerves erratically, shouting things like "Fahckin 'ell guv!" and 'Wo chew lookin at sanshine?" or 'Shit the filth are following us! Step on it Charlie.' and all that sort of thing. Upon arrival at your selected tea room bundle the date out of the car and on to a pre-booked table, the best in the house, with a selection of nice teas to chose from as well as a well stocked cake trolley that she can indulge herself to her heart's delight at no cost.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I find the combination of free cake, tea and a countryside environment does wonders for people and will not only be grateful for the bomb explosions, loons with AK 47s, kidnapping attempt but will also feel guilty about having stood you up! All too frequently I have recieved an apology from the date for running away from the scene of chaos! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Everyone gets to feel good, she gets cake, the Brazzi Brothers get paid and I get to watch the cricket live from the Oval, marvellous.</span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-40705868597577902582015-05-06T14:11:00.000+01:002015-05-06T14:46:57.094+01:00UK Party Leaders: Their Last Drink?<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDdIjHeQ-brcYm39H0ctKPnbOXb29bhlWy3hfafUg226OvXsXWzr_Yl2d8BFJhZLjbPIUZd6pCeUWN3xzs9gf6sJD0KqwvNsIkigIE_8kR25sADZyEHqU2SOcfHx8ffyetavGYeQGApPxa/s1600/Sheyla_Hershey_26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDdIjHeQ-brcYm39H0ctKPnbOXb29bhlWy3hfafUg226OvXsXWzr_Yl2d8BFJhZLjbPIUZd6pCeUWN3xzs9gf6sJD0KqwvNsIkigIE_8kR25sADZyEHqU2SOcfHx8ffyetavGYeQGApPxa/s1600/Sheyla_Hershey_26.jpg" height="320" width="233" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Member of the Electorate</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right then! So over the course of the last five weeks me and my 'squad' have endeavoured to establish just what the five UK party leaders' last drink would be if they had to face a firing squad first thing in the morning.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Now, I didn't enjoy doing this very much but I felt that there was a need to actually get right to the bottom of things about what makes em really tick. Because they are all politicos a simple direct question such as 'What makes you tick?' would be simply batted away under a load of old waffle! </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So, me and the 'squad' diligently set about kidnapping each and every one of em, putting em against a wall and going through the motions of a mock execution and recording what they all wanted to sup before a few final words and all that sort of thing. Once they'd had their drink and said all their gubbins we let em go and escorted them back to their hotels or wherever they had been without any harm coming to em at all.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Their results are quite important and I bring them to you here for you to make up your own minds before ballot day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh86VtmLSTsL4RnQyV_HNg4ZyaEP2dfIrnU5Yu3aG5PY3_QAftkzDEt8xj2BC_5506NpIQ1OwI-oYhXrdNPOy91eNU0W-UdUrVEgUEFWwzjJwJQwrd_G2atMdBNdOA1Y9XZtfnifiIPYha/s1600/Party-leaders+drink+Milli.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh86VtmLSTsL4RnQyV_HNg4ZyaEP2dfIrnU5Yu3aG5PY3_QAftkzDEt8xj2BC_5506NpIQ1OwI-oYhXrdNPOy91eNU0W-UdUrVEgUEFWwzjJwJQwrd_G2atMdBNdOA1Y9XZtfnifiIPYha/s1600/Party-leaders+drink+Milli.jpg" height="200" width="143" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can't Hold Drink!</td></tr>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">First up, Eddie 'The Kid' Miliband. Yes Eddie was quite easy to kidnap as the bodyguards hadn't been paid sufficiently so we whisked him orff without let or hindrance. Put against the wall and asked what his tipple was the man wanted a cup of coffee?! Coffee I ask you?! What kind of a party leader is that?! Furthermore, the fellow was so traumatised by the whole affair that he couldn't even pick up the blasted cup through shaking Rubbish! What's even worse were his last words;-</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>'You know I like people and people like me but we have to work together in order to bring about the workers' revolution and wrestle the ownership of the means of production away from bourgeois capitalists seeking to protect their interests from the working man using the violence inherent in the system. You know I was talking to a man last week....</i>'</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">etc bla bla bla I should have had him shot there and then but you can't often get away with that sort of thing these days. Next up Nigel 'The Garage' Farage</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1nnEojLipwRgbo39Oni7yQFRTZd3CUUnTHJGtl0Ne38_SsPiifrwx1iuYUc69qabUfKjyaMzFDVe681c2NUs_yyg-VxT9entroM5kKgPHMm6hIk2d97lIke83WJhTScwPnSVP5WjtOd95/s1600/party-leaders+drink+Farars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1nnEojLipwRgbo39Oni7yQFRTZd3CUUnTHJGtl0Ne38_SsPiifrwx1iuYUc69qabUfKjyaMzFDVe681c2NUs_yyg-VxT9entroM5kKgPHMm6hIk2d97lIke83WJhTScwPnSVP5WjtOd95/s1600/party-leaders+drink+Farars.jpg" height="118" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Down the Hatch</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yes 'The Garage' was whisked away at first light but I've got to say his bodyguards put up one hell of a fight! These blokes were loyal right down to the last man! Anyway, when put against the wall and given his last request 'The Garage' went straight for that good old London classic a pint of Green King IPA. He downed the lot in one and said the following;-</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>'No point moping is there? Just tell me that the squad are all British'</i> </span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">What a man! Next up David 'The Wicket Keeper' Cameron.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip-C9WEpfMoVAyTolHeE9vVplf99EJZxt2NjXxJMMZIkp2rG4hWPx3_VeAQ7KZEl9JuT7rxexNp203jgLerDH4Aw9HnMf4pI9LvK0Jdqd4Ww-xavZTsquBQpP9_I_aOBwx2NAMTTani8yO/s1600/party-leaders+drink+Cammers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip-C9WEpfMoVAyTolHeE9vVplf99EJZxt2NjXxJMMZIkp2rG4hWPx3_VeAQ7KZEl9JuT7rxexNp203jgLerDH4Aw9HnMf4pI9LvK0Jdqd4Ww-xavZTsquBQpP9_I_aOBwx2NAMTTani8yO/s1600/party-leaders+drink+Cammers.jpg" height="159" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gin Gin!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Yes 'Wicket Keeper' got his name from his days at the Bullingdon Club for having the remarkable ability to intercept any dropped drink in the vicinity. He could catch a dropped glass on it's way down to the floor from twenty feet away. Marvellous. But what would he choose to down if he was up against a wall? Well I can tell you now that he went for that old classic a large gin and tonic, with not so much tonic and only ice if there was enough room in the glass. Personally I thought this was an odd choice for a last tipple as I equate this with a hot summer's day and cucumber sandwiches. Anyway his last words were;-</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>'Tell my wife I love her'</i></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I don't know about you but I think that was a bit wishy-washy and undermined the gin and tonic. Next up Natalie 'Acid Bath' Bennett.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkHDCiUpg8g8Oe0F8zFLl5LSA7SaYUZhyxSne07G3Uio00ptmBWhFTFElVALghNavB_D77Yx0WWF-oTt5dhrAHV3A_iPvjOJCxItzJQZChZhePM10crwiAsceYTEMnbUsA30t2lfDGP3r6/s1600/Party-leaders+drink+natters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkHDCiUpg8g8Oe0F8zFLl5LSA7SaYUZhyxSne07G3Uio00ptmBWhFTFElVALghNavB_D77Yx0WWF-oTt5dhrAHV3A_iPvjOJCxItzJQZChZhePM10crwiAsceYTEMnbUsA30t2lfDGP3r6/s1600/Party-leaders+drink+natters.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fuck You!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yes 'Acid Bath' got her name from her ability to remove all trace of those who stood in her way to the top of the Green Party pile. I mean how many can you name apart from the rather lovely Caroline Lucas? None. Nevertheless we got the necessary from her after shuffling her off into a dark alley somewhere in East Grinstead. 'Acid Bath' ordered nothing more than a mug of bloody green tea! Rubbish! Total rubbish if you ask me! That's not a drink, that's bloody washing up water. Who in their right mind would place a cross on the ballot paper for this party if that was the deciding factor? Not me I can tell you. Anyway her last words were;-</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>'Just pull the trigger and fuck you!'</i></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">That's right 'Acid Bath' you tell em! Next up Nick 'The Leg' Clegg.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9RbNPOSsgGwsmcK0_I0QSJirWpSCgfSTMgSPnLr7jc6-GsOj6Zrnf11gUfdT8JBmyy6X1juOMI7cZRgnMOmZzP-CJ2aQWFBAis0ftERNsTd1eep3L83ixJCP-uZHGGfwSQwy355bU-udS/s1600/Party-leaders+drink+Cleggers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9RbNPOSsgGwsmcK0_I0QSJirWpSCgfSTMgSPnLr7jc6-GsOj6Zrnf11gUfdT8JBmyy6X1juOMI7cZRgnMOmZzP-CJ2aQWFBAis0ftERNsTd1eep3L83ixJCP-uZHGGfwSQwy355bU-udS/s1600/Party-leaders+drink+Cleggers.jpg" height="112" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'll have the pub</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">'The leg' got this name from the fact that it rhymes with 'Clegg.' Not very imaginative if you ask me but that's what happens when you're on the centre ground. 'The Leg' was bundled away and replaced with a stand in for twenty four hours as we hadn't predicted his request. When stood against a wall the man asked for 'the chance to drink an entire pub dry.' We all flipped out at this completely unexpected request which is exactly what we would expect from a party in the centre ground, marvellous! So we took 'The leg' away to the nearest pub and do you know what? He damn well drank it dry didn't he. That's the way to go! What a man! Interestingly his last words were;-</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
'<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">youzz is me mate youzz is yeah? hrummp ffff iwth we'll show em!! hnnnnn.... hnnnn.... bluergggghhhhhh'</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Nice one Nickers I say. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So that's it! This blasted election is almost over for another five years bla bla bla not a single one of em made a gaff big enough to get themselves voted out of office and after all isn't that what the general election in this blasted country has become these days, the party that makes the least gaffs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Ware-Armitage out!</span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-72442116483597673632015-05-01T10:41:00.000+01:002015-05-02T07:03:31.225+01:00Which UK Political Leader is the Best in a Punch Up? <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHof4jcmcEw8c0ciF0JNoSfV9t__Jbpu_OBKRYzwd7lSNe_hX1MNc5GUhGUmLKCbQXLbGFFCAMNe9sDjC7B7AlKOfe5fauM10iafwendGvsoEdlvQFQzRzsdw2KaD7R1lU3WeuWQojb6Yh/s1600/party-leaders+cleggers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHof4jcmcEw8c0ciF0JNoSfV9t__Jbpu_OBKRYzwd7lSNe_hX1MNc5GUhGUmLKCbQXLbGFFCAMNe9sDjC7B7AlKOfe5fauM10iafwendGvsoEdlvQFQzRzsdw2KaD7R1lU3WeuWQojb6Yh/s1600/party-leaders+cleggers.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cleggers</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right then, as part of my UK political leaders portfolio I have cut </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">right through the waffle and have sought to come up with the questions that really matter. Between now and election day I'm going to address the important issues that really matter. You may remember that a few days ago I studied Cammers' wind breakage abilities. Today's question is </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b><u>Which Political leader would you want on your side in a punch up? </u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">First up Cleggers, yes Cleggers! Cleggers is in the centre ground so has an unfortunate propensity to understand other people's feelings and emotions. Well that's hardly going to be any good in a pub brawl now is it? Speaking five languages holds an excellent advantage over adversaries in a Euro-brawl as he will be able to tune in to their communications and pre-empt any out-flanking moves shouted across a pub or bar. Ultimately his use would be good as intelligence gathering but in a straight jab to the face his value is pretty low. I'd give him 5 out of 10 on the Prescott scale.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_ojhIdi2qyD6cvtm_RE4WgBxJIU60qt2duoITwE2qXB-GstKnh760xrd9HZ9kIGvBz7FYsmfOKspub4n4n5YHQz9p0dEZxAuRy2yMaP6G3EgzEIag1mpYQgp4mkuznp7BkqKwTFnKzRdO/s1600/Party-leaders+Mill.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_ojhIdi2qyD6cvtm_RE4WgBxJIU60qt2duoITwE2qXB-GstKnh760xrd9HZ9kIGvBz7FYsmfOKspub4n4n5YHQz9p0dEZxAuRy2yMaP6G3EgzEIag1mpYQgp4mkuznp7BkqKwTFnKzRdO/s1600/Party-leaders+Mill.png" height="200" width="133" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Decoy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Next up Millers (Miliband)Yes Millers is an odd chap and to what is now the right of centre. His party used to be to the left of centre but is a sort of Right lite nowadays. Anyway that's enough of the politics what about a good old fashion punch up? Well this isn't good I'm afraid! Because of the never ending fatuous grin on Millers' stupid face he immediately would attract potential adversaries right to him. He wouldn't stand a chance. In that respect he would make an excellent decoy in a bar if for example it were necessary to lunge at the barman and there were lots of people in the way; simple position Millers at the opposite side of the room to the aforementioned barman and he would suddenly find himself completely exposed without protection. Alas I fear that Millers would be able to take no more that a light waft from a feather to knock him down. On the Prescott scale I'd give him 1 out of 10, very sad...</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixtXHk8d8Tlt-5oHp2fC63kIjIncehfyJJGyOKusZkhA1Sr_efQkVWjnPukTJ0N-Kp8u5iwLk1MFZhprSG3jFGGZVIuZr558p7EDMdUzhlAu4d9ZiHCMQLwFcg7J2_eElkFUjh_q5DRw6N/s1600/party-leaders+Natters.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixtXHk8d8Tlt-5oHp2fC63kIjIncehfyJJGyOKusZkhA1Sr_efQkVWjnPukTJ0N-Kp8u5iwLk1MFZhprSG3jFGGZVIuZr558p7EDMdUzhlAu4d9ZiHCMQLwFcg7J2_eElkFUjh_q5DRw6N/s1600/party-leaders+Natters.JPG" height="130" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">10 out of 10</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Next Up Natters, yes Natalie Bennett of the Green Party. Yes this is the one to watch! Although a woman and of a diminutive figure Natters is not to trifled with at all! Born in New Zealand she has been virtually at war from birth due to the Waitangi Treaty of lies and deceit. People have underestimated her right from the start and don't be fooled by that brain seizure at the start of her election campaign! No sir! That was a deliberate tactic to put everyone off guard! In a pub brawl she would be the one that not only starts it but would be the one to finish it too! On the Prescott scale I'd give her 10 out of 10, good work Natters!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6idNQvDVWLyi0lMcX_BuHiwgy4A_BFmf2qg4PsNvVSFYgK1I2AyRIGps92r89CriVTjD1qQ4EiR0aHD4OheeMebGcG1jcZnVBMrfMDAstI5-W5QT0oPYLix4N3LNI3iEjxabDgPEGnYCw/s1600/party-leaders+farrars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6idNQvDVWLyi0lMcX_BuHiwgy4A_BFmf2qg4PsNvVSFYgK1I2AyRIGps92r89CriVTjD1qQ4EiR0aHD4OheeMebGcG1jcZnVBMrfMDAstI5-W5QT0oPYLix4N3LNI3iEjxabDgPEGnYCw/s1600/party-leaders+farrars.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mexican Army</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Next Farrars, yes Farrars (Nigel Farage) Probably to the right of British politics although nobody seems to care because he is always down the pub Farrars can be useful in a rumble. Yes get him to face off against a load of immigrants he'd be the first in there I can tell you! There'd be nothing to stop him! A bit like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid facing off against the entire Mexican army Farrars would be straight in there taking as many of em with him as he could muster. HOWEVER.... put him a situation with a lot of British people? Hmmm... tricky I can't help but think he'd calm the situation down by buying everyone drinkies and telling a few comedy anecdotes. Whilst this is all very well there would be no actual punch up! 50/50 for Farrars. On the Prescott Scale I'd give him 7 out of 10.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWnVaNGwwpnAWUOc9tvFKJkRgLTXFDx-fStiAOOj7IHG001MTlEH4vKGcgwxH0hrFUJWNOyHVgXjvy2UIAEt2Epc4k0vepd-XpWsRGlguiQZYgug414e4VqafdMjCdIQhBNgkqpe3Zgl8T/s1600/party-leaders+cammers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWnVaNGwwpnAWUOc9tvFKJkRgLTXFDx-fStiAOOj7IHG001MTlEH4vKGcgwxH0hrFUJWNOyHVgXjvy2UIAEt2Epc4k0vepd-XpWsRGlguiQZYgug414e4VqafdMjCdIQhBNgkqpe3Zgl8T/s1600/party-leaders+cammers.jpg" height="111" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thrashing</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Finally Cammers, yes Cammers.... hmmm.... The UK pretty-boy of politics superficially doesn't seem to be able to hold it when it comes to a smack-down but may be that is a rash judgement. Two things, the first is his old mate William Hague who is a black-belt; must have taught Cammers a thing or two about it during their time together in office and the second thing is his time in the Bullingdon Club drinking his head off and passing water on to the poor. He must have taken a few hits there and then in order to survive that lot for three years. The question is can he remember it all? I can't help but think whilst he would be useless whilst sober but get a few pints down his neck and his body would go in to automatic thrashing his way through a rowdy mob with gusto and relish! On the Prescott Scale I'd give him the same as Farrars 7 out of 10.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtYpx7ALw7jc7DggKvDaAIezahiK_70helTEoqZH2LCulYxTxccK08M3E-D26tFNTwbKmn_6yCSp8OaxBXzs4nlTVKkUmaHnpA0y8RdiiyN69mV9dOWQJugoy-Y0U12OWnwqvaWpfbcgAF/s1600/party+leaders+prescott.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtYpx7ALw7jc7DggKvDaAIezahiK_70helTEoqZH2LCulYxTxccK08M3E-D26tFNTwbKmn_6yCSp8OaxBXzs4nlTVKkUmaHnpA0y8RdiiyN69mV9dOWQJugoy-Y0U12OWnwqvaWpfbcgAF/s1600/party+leaders+prescott.jpg" height="149" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Prescott Scale</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b><u>Conclusion</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Natters is the one for me! 10 out of 10 on the Prescott Scale that says it all make no doubt about it! This woman is the bomb followed by Farrars and Cammers in second and third place. Marvellous.</span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-44916963639371635882015-04-26T18:52:00.000+01:002015-04-28T09:33:18.330+01:00UK Political Leaders: What you really need to know.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgenOyiqzRBm3JhO_2hchCv_DSwsI2L3JNkDmh6ks7Fbl4h-jKIdhO3LjR6itsnMS7J0QPVpPrhPxVwj213lo8TZk6j9Iq4EHyWcn-0KhoHiEE-h5n5b_A4705JeOwg4sTQri8fXDbYBSF/s1600/party-leaders.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgenOyiqzRBm3JhO_2hchCv_DSwsI2L3JNkDmh6ks7Fbl4h-jKIdhO3LjR6itsnMS7J0QPVpPrhPxVwj213lo8TZk6j9Iq4EHyWcn-0KhoHiEE-h5n5b_A4705JeOwg4sTQri8fXDbYBSF/s1600/party-leaders.jpg" height="180" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thrust, Sound, Mass, Volume Odour, Directional Ability and Storage</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right then! There is a general election coming here in what remains of the United Kingdom and naturally people have been approaching me in the street and asking me for my slant on the National party leaders.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Personally I don't care too much for politicos and politics but I think it is worth tuning in at the time of an election just to see what the policies of these people actually is so I know who to complain to at the first sign of an EU inspired fascio-stalinist putsch to take over the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right so between now and Election day I'm going to be giving the low down on ALL the political leaders of the United Kingdom one by one. That's right all of em and I'll be addressing the matters that really count and their policies warts and all! No punches here I can tell you! </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So let's have shufti at each one of them. First up Cammers!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIYrjRN0qbNLel-PoQsN-DKK2TNZ65v3SKyrmoD-QHGcovAPaBO1cIuTkCqNeAumrgj-6uFFkLvFZ-s218dtm9hPAPRlBkUEzhRNstfLxZYCFKzkiKsWyHFYav05Q582FALuXAO9oWneBV/s1600/party-leaders+camm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIYrjRN0qbNLel-PoQsN-DKK2TNZ65v3SKyrmoD-QHGcovAPaBO1cIuTkCqNeAumrgj-6uFFkLvFZ-s218dtm9hPAPRlBkUEzhRNstfLxZYCFKzkiKsWyHFYav05Q582FALuXAO9oWneBV/s1600/party-leaders+camm.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cammers</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yes Cammers, incumbent Prime Minister and one with the most to lose. Policies emphasis private industry, money, cash and standing up on your own two feet or doing everyone a favour and finishing yourself orff.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Social policies are in favour of keeping the NHS or face loosing every election for the next two billion years. Not in favour of more house building else see the price of their property portfolios drop through the floor.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Anyway t</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">his is all very well but really quite beside the point. And that point is much more critical to the future of this great country. And that is what is he like in the broken wind department? Well fortunately word has it that he can blow out a fair bit and quite a loud volume too. I mean can you imagine sitting opposite someone like Putin at the negotiating table and not being able to blow out a rasping great thunderer as a response to one of Putins radioactive farts? Good God man Putin wouldn't take you in the least bit seriously if you were unable to thrust one out!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Putin doesn't respect any kind of wishy washy, flippy flappy arty farty farts I can tell you. He needs to be stood up to! So with sound and thrust Cammers comes out quite well. However, on odour he is found seriously lacking! He just releases a sort of rosie odour and Putin won't take that well at all especially with his nuclear fall-out farts! What a shame.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Finally, volume of released gas as in metres cubed, not volume as in sound. Due to Cammers' early days at the Bullingdon Club he learned how to store at least 6 litres cubed for an entire week before letting it all out in a Saturday evening foray at Bullingdon events. While this isnt' actually all that much compared to Putin who can dispose of at least a cubed metre in one go, it is nevertheless much more than most world leaders second only to Angela Merkel. Marvellous woman don cha know.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">All in all Cammers comes out OK in the fart department or should I say Defartment. Good sound and thrust but lacks somewhat in odour and mass. Not bad at all.</span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-63832778259006556772015-04-19T20:13:00.000+01:002015-04-19T20:13:09.669+01:00How to Derail an Armed E.U. Power Grab in Your Local Community Library<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_p9VQTja3K4994M-MZNCBk7hq112gqIb6pBwNE_93wEV0-bwtih39f0syhX_5fqWniGDfdSnWQRLmF-2ghff9hnwWx4TiHrDucZQ4C9VRAydBD39VWUM4HN0FsfrrlEwYfwpGXe9ZvKsQ/s1600/library.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_p9VQTja3K4994M-MZNCBk7hq112gqIb6pBwNE_93wEV0-bwtih39f0syhX_5fqWniGDfdSnWQRLmF-2ghff9hnwWx4TiHrDucZQ4C9VRAydBD39VWUM4HN0FsfrrlEwYfwpGXe9ZvKsQ/s1600/library.JPG" height="211" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ferrero Rocher</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right so the European Union loves taking control of things. They just can't help themselves don cha know!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Typically, they like taking control of things that don't belong to them, especially successful things. The more successful the thing is the more they love taking control of it. Now that's all very well and good but what gets me is that once they've taken control of the successful thing they immediately cock the thing up and give it away to people. They are obviously completely loopy! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Anyway, due to the subversive nature of your average E.U. bureaucrat you will find that they always do a lot of groundwork before taking control of the thing that they want to take control of. This is a consequence of public education, something that I have been a vociferous opponent of for years. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Let's look at an example of a successful thing; your common or garden local community library! Because your E.U. bureaucrat tends to be educated they are therefore cowards and will desist from any all-out assaults on community libraries for fear of counter attacks from the librarians. This thinking is of course delusional as libraries simply don't have weapons caches but that's not how the E.U. bureaucrat thinks. You see the E.U. bureaucratic mind is typically a paranoid mind full of conspiracy theories, foreign languages, communism and other muck generated from all that reading. They therefore think that everybody else is just as paranoid as they are and therefore bound to have a secret weapons cache hidden somewhere. </span><br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-MwwI2ra_tjYHHaAXr2APmCcQIPtwee7IMuy1Qw41cYWm9S7Pd017NGl7-jfWj1Ld92sm4O2wJzJMc2kLt69Ua16gTIG311wwxG3c7iv1sxK5QGp-hewZQ5Eo-AlQowf05fCwIaKJPLID/s1600/library+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-MwwI2ra_tjYHHaAXr2APmCcQIPtwee7IMuy1Qw41cYWm9S7Pd017NGl7-jfWj1Ld92sm4O2wJzJMc2kLt69Ua16gTIG311wwxG3c7iv1sxK5QGp-hewZQ5Eo-AlQowf05fCwIaKJPLID/s1600/library+2.JPG" height="200" width="133" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Librarian</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So how does the E.U. bureaucrat take control of your local community library? They first sneak an infiltrator in to the premises by getting them a job as a cleaner or lavatory attendant. This person will then check out the library shelves looking for a secret button to the arms cache. If they can't find it they will attempt to get another person a job there so they can both look for secret buttons and what have you that lead to a cache. Naturally they won't find anything because they are stupid. Nevertheless they will fill as many of the jobs in that library as possible with their dirty spies before striking. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And that's when the armed assault takes place. With up to as many as half the employees being armed employees of the E.U. the proper librarians won't stand a chance, fait accumpli!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">However, due to my years of experience dealing with all this sort of thing in the jungles and deserts, I can tell you that even when this menace has taken full control of your local community library all is not lost. Disposing of this menace is relatively easy and can also be done without a drop of blood being spilled.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">'<i>Oi Ware-Armitage,' I hear you ask, 'tell us 'ow it's done then guv!</i>' </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This is what you will need</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> I) A limousine</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> II) A bottle of champagne </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">III) A tray of Ferrero Rocher</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Firstly, pick up your tray of Ferrero Rocher and bottle of Champagne and walk casually towards the library entrance. If you can put them on a tea trolley with a lovely white cloth over the top then that would be marvellous, otherwise make sure you look pretty sharpish when approaching. When one of the E.U. vagabonds intercepts you at the entrance tell him that the local ambassador (borough councillor) sends his compliments and wants to discuss things. In particular, that </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">the E.U. bureaucrats have been given gigantic pay-rises and better jobs at the European Commission, that a limousine is awaiting them across the road ready to take em to the airport forthwith and that everything is completely under their control.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You see because of the massive, bloated, hugely egocentric, self-<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM6KlZ5_NCVwdy-gIbF1S-qRu5L0GnA7Kx17nh4I2HWsC_jvx20oAW-K85yFjdtyJJIkdjcafXYiYGiO1cYIyfsgXLWWHpMDVnZyGCji0Bo-VcXGcflfro2rj4nUDCIEt4WvwBlTbHTqke/s1600/library3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM6KlZ5_NCVwdy-gIbF1S-qRu5L0GnA7Kx17nh4I2HWsC_jvx20oAW-K85yFjdtyJJIkdjcafXYiYGiO1cYIyfsgXLWWHpMDVnZyGCji0Bo-VcXGcflfro2rj4nUDCIEt4WvwBlTbHTqke/s1600/library3.jpg" height="153" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">E.U....</td></tr>
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serving nature of your average E.U. bureaucrat they will see the Ferrero Rocher and Champagne as a signal you are organising a grand ball or function in the library on their behalf in celebration of how clever they are in pulling orff this coup d'etat (just like in the Ferrero Rocher advert on the telly.) They will then drop their weapons and start engorging themselves on the Champagne and Ferrero Rocher until they are sick and pass out. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Once they've passed out, pick em up, put them in a car of your choice and ship em back from where they came. Simple. You see this is why it is always important to know your foe and also to arm all librarians. Marvellous. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-90127439224055275432015-04-12T20:32:00.000+01:002015-04-12T20:40:38.461+01:00How to Reduce Unemployment.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbyRV1FIm_pSMoDzLEslJ92kSwYpBGg601T0U0P6ARacPVv43fuTOGng589GXWzt3bRq2JvxTXccIWjfwwuKtsTW0xGqewveQIdNhn1LzEcCaaTGWYcMvIrPqkykPLmofAL6VVJYkHJity/s1600/slavery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbyRV1FIm_pSMoDzLEslJ92kSwYpBGg601T0U0P6ARacPVv43fuTOGng589GXWzt3bRq2JvxTXccIWjfwwuKtsTW0xGqewveQIdNhn1LzEcCaaTGWYcMvIrPqkykPLmofAL6VVJYkHJity/s1600/slavery.jpg" height="189" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Posterior</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Right so unemployment is high again and all the politicos are desperately hunting for ways to bring the figures down. Well why don't they get their act together and ask me what I would do?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Yes that's right 'ask me what I would do.' Many a young turk thinks that I am some sort of clot who barely knows how lavatory paper is applied correctly. Well while that may be the case I am also in the fortunate position of having enough money to pay somebody to apply it to my rather magnificent posterior on my behalf. Now who's laughing?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Anyway that's enough of that. Of course at this time of great economic strife for other people one does have one's own important matters to deal with such as the blasted servant strike and the unending issue of the blasted ex-wives and all that sort of thing. Nevertheless, whilst sitting in the bath this morning I turned my mind to high unemployment and by Jimeny, I came up with a answer. Yes that's right ME! I came up with an answer ME!! Because I'm very clever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">'So what is this miraculous answer?' I hear you say. It's easy, bring back slavery! Yes that's rights slavery. </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Obviously, being the 21st Century we have to make a few adjustments in order to get away with it but that shouldn't be a problem. For example, we can't expect to get away with paying nothing otherwise the rozzers will be on our backs so it's important to try to make it look as if we care. So I recommend giving the slave as much of a pittance as possible to keep em quite to make them think they are valued. We will call this pittance something like... err... 'A Minimum Wage' That should keep them guessing.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDnPtvCggO_uvL1Ucp2kpzi6fMIfPXhA2c6TS5ymy1FfvRdb0XM_q8PWeA09FFLF5rs-1F_3bXoIvPbeF58DC3yUm3A472_ZhHX3x1X-7afzd4PxJ8BuhIuZhe7iIgy81vXpAYvATxb3jS/s1600/unemployed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDnPtvCggO_uvL1Ucp2kpzi6fMIfPXhA2c6TS5ymy1FfvRdb0XM_q8PWeA09FFLF5rs-1F_3bXoIvPbeF58DC3yUm3A472_ZhHX3x1X-7afzd4PxJ8BuhIuZhe7iIgy81vXpAYvATxb3jS/s1600/unemployed.jpg" height="200" width="137" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fascicle</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Then there is the question of expendability. In the old days if you had no work for the slave then they could sit by idly and do nothing until some work came along. However, what with having to pay this 'minimum wage' there may be no work but you'd still have to pay them. </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">What is needed is a work contract to make the slave self-employed, then if there is no work it's their problem. I recommend we call this 'contract' something snazzy like a 'Zero Hour Contract' or something fascicle like that. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Finally and this goes in tandem with my 'Minimum Wage' and the 'Zero Hour Contract' ideas, it is important to just convince everybody that these things will work. To do this it is necessary to beat up and clever journalist who asks too many questions as to the voracity of any of these projects. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So there you have it. Sensible policies for a more prosperous Britain. I do wish people would ask me about these things. </span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-28825011687471500532015-04-05T17:41:00.000+01:002015-04-05T17:41:02.651+01:00How to Defend Yourself Against a Street Urchin<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguJW0Xewd0Vk0_0L3s_6fhGti1RtVYzGFdHsXKycpphk1Tt5a52TuGuS9_NuS6t0zTNHRdQbq8umGnDwOx4lD3tAd-G9Ox_ozMDzJssYnUxySouX-SJBm_-1IA8R6P2x2meYGUA_uqiyji/s1600/Martial+Arse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguJW0Xewd0Vk0_0L3s_6fhGti1RtVYzGFdHsXKycpphk1Tt5a52TuGuS9_NuS6t0zTNHRdQbq8umGnDwOx4lD3tAd-G9Ox_ozMDzJssYnUxySouX-SJBm_-1IA8R6P2x2meYGUA_uqiyji/s1600/Martial+Arse.jpg" height="251" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Martial Arts</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right so I was minding my own business walking along the high street the other day when I was apprehended by a man asking for directions to the nearest McDonalds public toilet facility that these days has a restaurant selling hot food attached to them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It was very clear to me, right from the moment he approached me that he was going to try to take my wallet away from me and thus my fiver named Colin, serial number KJ89 479000. How did I know this? Well the first clue was that he had a hood over his head thus concealing his face. Why would anybody want to conceal their face unless they were trying to avoid recognition or were demented. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Secondly, his trousers were fastened at his knees thus exposing far too much of his underpants, clearly and ex-convict as they are not permitted to use belts whilst incarcerated in case they use them to string themselves up. Thirdly, his right hand was behind his back which suggested that he had something to conceal, most probably a weapon of some lethality such as a copy of The Times Educational Suppliment. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Anyway, the point is is that I feared he was about to remove my wallet from my personage and I don't know about you but I'm not prepared to tolerate that sort of thing and so decided that I needed to do something to fend orff this man. At my disposal were a number of training programmes that I have taken the trouble of learning over the years in preparation of this sort of thing. The three most pertinent for this particular situation were;-</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A) Barjitsu. Sometimes called Bartitsu, this is the self-defence technique developed by E. W. Barton-Wright for the 19th Century Victorian gentleman combining oriental defence techniques and an umrella. It provides instant results with minimal effort. The disadvantage here is that I was wearing my hat and there was a strong chance that it would have fallen orff in to a puddle, what with the twisting and turning needed to disarm him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">B) Pugilism, commonly known as boxing, this would give him a bloody nose and make him run away but not before the danger of his blood splatting on my jacket as I planted my clenched fist into his face. Not very nice and something that if possible I would prefer to avoid.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Now both these techniques provide immediate success but there is very little room for learning on the part of the assailant. What I really wanted to do was not only disarm him but also give him an incentive to stop his life of crime and put his talents towards something more constructive. You see many people in his situation actually are just crying out for help so I turned to my third option;-</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">C) My very own defence technique, devised by my good self, using all the facilities at hand on any occasion that a person may find themselves in. Not only that but it uses minimal effort and no actual physical contact yet leaves an indelible mark on the psyche of the assailant forcing them to re-evaluate their lives. I call it Sir Percy Ware-Armitage's Martial Arse. That's right Martial Arse! Not to be confused with martial arts, but Martial Arse.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQMzGN4hebWLairfgO0bGyEybPqorZrjj-wgHuBInc7cnUloZeQ47NqKctbfxCiWlI23IG-JsHCdixtpCZ0FW2NwUErplmV8u5wwf5JJdnNNViXai5345gSxMv1sRj3Orw7z2QlFQPmU0_/s1600/martial+arses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQMzGN4hebWLairfgO0bGyEybPqorZrjj-wgHuBInc7cnUloZeQ47NqKctbfxCiWlI23IG-JsHCdixtpCZ0FW2NwUErplmV8u5wwf5JJdnNNViXai5345gSxMv1sRj3Orw7z2QlFQPmU0_/s1600/martial+arses.jpg" height="200" width="170" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Martial Arse</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Well I started to direct him to the nearest McDonalds toilet with accompanying restaurant facility and just as I'd anticipated he brought his concealed hand from behind his back. As I suspected it had a weapon in it; a copy of the Socialist Worker, very dangerous! Quick as a flash I jumped three steps back, whipped open my belt with the inbuilt emergency release button, designed especially for such occasions thus releasing both my trousers and underwear from their normal daytime shackles, about-turned, whipped em both down and then bent over exposing my quite magnificent arse to the attacker. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The chappie was taken completely by surprise fled! Ran away, buggered off like the coward that he was! Faster than a speeding bullet I had the underwear and trousers back up and belted without anybody in the street noticing. And this is the skill here with Martial Arse, to include only those that you wish to fend off. You see once the arse has been exposed it can cause severe collateral damage to those in the vicinity and we don't want any of that. In the hands of a novice it's possible to decimate and entire shopping mall of people so years of practice is needed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Anyway, enough of that, job done, I thus continued on my journey without any further ado and made my way to the nearest bar for a light refreshment and use of their toilet as I'd ran out of paper again. Marvellous.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">UPDATE: It has since transpired that two days later the chappie in question was recovered from a nearby lake as he was obviously unable to cope with my fightback. I can only say that if you can't stand the heat then you need to get out of the kitchen, very sad.</span><br />
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<br />Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-90071934699875368532015-03-29T20:42:00.001+01:002015-03-30T09:36:01.350+01:00April Showers Back Up Plan<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbSTJRli9srXxFHyWA7nSMr-VnBs8FrMagCZ_TcPSZzxbnO1wK65i19lb3VgzGxqibHlYnk7PNqzdj1rQErvNqseoPhjeo-9y2wYS1nJ-lztr4_e0LuaaAdZ4t7q9pV44mKSQ94EqBkwB3/s1600/April+showers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbSTJRli9srXxFHyWA7nSMr-VnBs8FrMagCZ_TcPSZzxbnO1wK65i19lb3VgzGxqibHlYnk7PNqzdj1rQErvNqseoPhjeo-9y2wYS1nJ-lztr4_e0LuaaAdZ4t7q9pV44mKSQ94EqBkwB3/s1600/April+showers.jpg" height="320" width="248" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baked Beans</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right then, it's that time of year again, April! Yes April that time of year here in Great Britain where one minute it's sunny and the next minute it is throwing it down with rain, hail, snow sometimes and wind.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This happens every year and it is not the best time to make arrangements for things outside such as a gala function, a regatta, cricket match or some kind of social function in a country pub car park, if you know what I mean. Whatever you arrange there will be a 50 percent chance that it will rain and you will have to cancel or postpone your arrangement. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So imagine you have arranged a day out but you find yourself having to cancel at the last moment, what do you do? Well I've devised a tip-top emergency plan to keep yourself entertained in just such an instance. You will need the following:-</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">1) Brussel sprouts</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">4) A tin of baked beans</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">5) A shopping mall escalator</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This is what you do, cook the brussel sprouts, best if you under-cook them as this will result in them retaining more of the necessary oxidants that will be released once in the stomach. Now then, the curried eggs, these can be heated up or eaten raw, it is not very important so do what makes you happiest. </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Now then, the chicken vindaloo and the baked beans are best served hot so stick em in the microwave for a few minutes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Once all the food has been prepared it needs to be consumed. Now you can consume all this food yourself or feed it to a small child. I personally use a small child as I can stand back and watch the entertainment from afar. Nowadays I use my dastardly son Cuthbert who is now in his 40s. He doesn't really understand the social faux pas associated with this so your conscience will be clearer.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrHJ20f0lRJcogGuwT94l6cfV1Uha7WOZNaAwnkm82VNYUaviB3Xw6T9cZmhPyJ3uvOQZhw5S1nJr9tZOpPYsNFzEGLlMuf4XO78iOuLGMUVoKCnV07YUQBNfz1hAbpHUYdlCqZ94HltSh/s1600/April+showers+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrHJ20f0lRJcogGuwT94l6cfV1Uha7WOZNaAwnkm82VNYUaviB3Xw6T9cZmhPyJ3uvOQZhw5S1nJr9tZOpPYsNFzEGLlMuf4XO78iOuLGMUVoKCnV07YUQBNfz1hAbpHUYdlCqZ94HltSh/s1600/April+showers+2.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gas</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Once consumed then take your fed child to a shopping mall escalator. Stand your child very close to the first step of the escalator and await the arrival of a person or persons wanting to use said escalator. The longer you can pre-empt their arrival the better. Get your child to stand on the escalator at least six steps ahead of your targets. As your child is about half way up get them to release as much broken wind as they possibly can. Silence is of necessity here to elicit maximum horror. As the gas cloud is released from their anuses (or is that ani?) you will find that the victims six steps behind will not only drift slowly into the toxic cloud but will also be unable to escape it. I mean they can't go back and going forwards will bring them deeper into the toxic fumes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Make sure you bring a camera to capture the moment when the victims take their first inhalation of gases. It's an absolute blast I tell you! Hilarious. If you can get a few more shots of them trying to hold their breath to avoid inhaling any more you will be able to entertain your friends in the evening even more. Also because they are so ill prepared for this they usually have to take in another breath and that one makes for great photography I tell you. Hilarious.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I can do this sort of thing all day don cha know! Sometimes I even do it when it isn't raining as it's better than socialising with certain kinds of people at gala functions.</span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-54522324485687886552015-03-22T20:24:00.002+00:002015-03-22T21:51:19.619+00:00The Mystery of Stonehenge Solved!<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisr3yPEKvCf233Hu-avLYvD-ebgCu_0GGDKZ7V63T3WrfcPf7QjMW6_FSZobMG7aQWeHT87Bq8CnvLpAlhuwARU3wfHJ4rc97waZ6YRgzCYkcibbGUh_JpUgM6iXvO0gu-Xfpj-SbWpuQ9/s1600/stonehenge+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisr3yPEKvCf233Hu-avLYvD-ebgCu_0GGDKZ7V63T3WrfcPf7QjMW6_FSZobMG7aQWeHT87Bq8CnvLpAlhuwARU3wfHJ4rc97waZ6YRgzCYkcibbGUh_JpUgM6iXvO0gu-Xfpj-SbWpuQ9/s1600/stonehenge+2.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Builders</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yes Stonehenge, that's right Stonehenge. This quite amazing </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">neolithic feature of the British countryside was started in in the year 2600 BC and finished in or about the morning of the 3rd May 2000 BC. I don't know about you but they must have had some pretty dicky builders doing that one! Mind you 600 years to complete that is nothing when you consider that the Parthenon is Athens still hasn't been finished, rotters!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">According to Google Stonehenge is currently owned by that fat tub of lard Edward Seymour the 1st Duke of Somerset which is laughable because the twit was executed in 1552. What is even more laughable is that fact that google then provide a telephone number for him so if anyone wants to get back to me and tell me if he's in I'd love to know, here is that number 0870 333 1181. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">By everybody else Stonehenge is owned and managed by the National Trust as part of British heritage which is the only thing left that brings in tourist revenue after the monarchy and all that sort of thing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So what is the mystery of Stonehenge I hear you ask! Well is it the fact that those huge stones appear to have come from nowhere? Well no they came from a town in Wales called Maenclochog which translates as 'ringing rock.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Is the mystery the fact that every summer solstice the sun rises and is aligned directly with the heel stone to the centre of stone circle? Well no that isn't a mystery it was built that way so you can scrub that one off.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvwhyggoiyiAt_M4QEiFcVoqeC8qrqSe-cv3UNtG_8Qsg3aGBTB216QlYPCqiEVbPMad8WSuZZEklYrja0EioIZA9xTEBtB4wiXoS30SXl_tNkHReh65NR3CCy05x1-I0shhxLzCYM6hSx/s1600/stonehenge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvwhyggoiyiAt_M4QEiFcVoqeC8qrqSe-cv3UNtG_8Qsg3aGBTB216QlYPCqiEVbPMad8WSuZZEklYrja0EioIZA9xTEBtB4wiXoS30SXl_tNkHReh65NR3CCy05x1-I0shhxLzCYM6hSx/s1600/stonehenge.jpg" height="130" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Morning of the 3rd May.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Is the mystery related to the fact that some of those huge stones resonate a peculiar sound when struck? (Remember, they do come from that town in Wales) thus created an ambient affect that some claim assists healing? Well I doubt that as the whole place is festooned with graves, what sort of a hospital is that I ask you? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Is the mystery the fact that those huge stones weighing upwards of 30 tons could only have been transported by methods beyond the means of the neolithic inhabitants. Was it aliens from another planet that helped them? No because that is just very silly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So what is the mystery of this greatest of monuments of world heritage? I'll tell you what it is. The mystery is why these neolithic people built this monument so close to the blasted A303? This crippy crappy dirt track of a road runs right past Stonehenge and is always blocked by people who have to go to work (Baha hah aha hha hah) and that is today, can you imagine the congestion that must have been caused way back in neolithic times? They can only have used the A36 in to Salisbury and then out again using the A338 a total detour of over 30 miles! Rubbish! Not to mention the extra traffic created in Salisbury.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I mean what were they thinking constructing it there? Don't they know what rubber-necking is? I'm not surprised the entire area is full of neolithic graves they must have all been crashing in to each other as they went past the monument! Idiots! I mean who did they submit the planning application to? I bet they bribed the local transit authority person. I bet they did! That's what bloody socialism does to people, neolithic socialism as well! I can't imagine that was any better than the sort we have these days It's a disgrace! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">There's only one thing to do with things that violate local planning applications, knock the blasted thing down and make em resubmit the application to the proper authority. That'll sort em out!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0Stonehenge, Amesbury, Wiltshire SP4 7DE, UK51.1788823 -1.826215499999989325.656847799999998 -43.134809499999989 76.7009168 39.48237850000001tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-13200482584568321082015-03-15T10:30:00.000+00:002015-03-15T11:33:04.026+00:00Police: Syria Girls Negligence<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPO3x-ZbCawzKG1LKr5_u49EXhKWj7hDBdoKg1hJj2DZNdJ0n_fDk_maGZ4Oia3uNsc6Wczfv4uzN7Fd3UmKMOBvtSMz0d6iDrcByIBlXxrb4fAcEZ6gjTVXow5IHFp0Ris0prNlqhYnh-/s1600/Police+Syria+2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPO3x-ZbCawzKG1LKr5_u49EXhKWj7hDBdoKg1hJj2DZNdJ0n_fDk_maGZ4Oia3uNsc6Wczfv4uzN7Fd3UmKMOBvtSMz0d6iDrcByIBlXxrb4fAcEZ6gjTVXow5IHFp0Ris0prNlqhYnh-/s1600/Police+Syria+2.jpeg" height="400" width="257" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do you want my number!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">One of the fathers of the three silly little school girls who ran </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">away to Syria has rounded on the police for not doing their job properly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">The father of Amira Abase stated that his daughter was a good daughter and it wasn't her shitting fault she </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">thought it would be a GOOD idea to go the Islamic State controlled area where gays are defenestrated, foreigners beheaded, ancient artefacts destroyed and killing those with whom you have a differing opinion is acceptable.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">When asked who he thought was responsible for his daughter's actions his response was unequivocal, 'It's the police,' he said, if they had been monitoring HIS daughter she may well still have been with him and instead someone else's silly daughter's father would be sitting where he was blaming the police instead.</span><br />
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The metropolitan police commissioner, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe did accept however, that giving a warning letter for the parents of the girls, to the girls was a poor decision and he apologised. Nevertheless he maintained that there had been no reasonable cause for assuming that these children were about to piss off and donate their bodies to a bunch of dirty, murdering butchers.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Despite the apology the father continued to blame the police in order to exonerate himself of any responsibility for the girls' actions, something that he had probably done all his life anyway as responsibility for children is probably not men's work.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">In other news the father of the pilot of the lost flight MH370, Zaharie Ahmad Shah, this week stated that his son was in no way responsible for the loss of the plane, 'Yes he was flying the plane,' said Mr Shah, 'but he was a good pilot and it was not his shitting fault that it disappeared.'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">When asked who he thought was responsible his reply was unequivocal, 'It was the police! Why if they had been monitoring HIS son he may well still have been with him and instead someone else's son's father would be sitting where he was blaming the police instead.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">When asked about the accusation over the phone the Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe responded, 'err.. This is the police, you want to speak to someone at British Airways mate this isn't anything to do with us.'</span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can I have your number?</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Home news now and politicians are screaming 'chicken' at Prime Minister David Cameron for trying to dodge out of a TV election debate with the other main national parties. The Conservative Party Chairman Grant Shatz stated that the Prime Minister David Cameron was in no way responsible for the fiasco of the TV debate scheduling. 'Yes he is the Prime Minister,' said Mr Shitz, 'but he is a good Prime Minister and it's not his shitting fault that he is too scared to attend.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">When asked who he thought was responsible, Mr Shits' reply was unequivocal. 'It's the police! Why if they had been monitoring OUR Prime Minister he may well still have been able to attend the debate and instead someone else's party chairman would be sitting where he was blaming the police instead.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">When asked about the accusation over the telephone the Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe stated, 'Err.. This is the police, you want to speak to someone at Democracy in Action mate. This isn't anything to do with us... Is this that weirdo again? People like you make me sick!'</span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can have your number back!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white;">Local news now and Mrs G. Crossett of 55 Bagnal Street, Stevenage hit out at the people that laugh at the size of her cat, Tiddles', huge, horrible, hairy, malodorous backside.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white;">'Tiddles is a good cat,' she said, 'yes he does have a huge horrible hairy, malodorous backside, but it's a good backside and it's not his shitting fault it's so huge, horrible, hairy and malodorous.'</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white;">When asked who she thought was responsible for the huge, horrible, hairy, malodorousness of Tiddles' backside her response was unequivocal, 'Well it's the police!" she said, '</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Why if they had been monitoring HIS huge, horrible, hairy backside he may still have been able to shit out of his arse twice a day and instead someone else's huge, horrible, hairy malodorously backsided cat's owner would be sitting where she was blaming the police instead.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">When asked about the accusation over the telephone the Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe stated, 'Is this that weirdo again? I can fuckin have you mate! </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I got your number! </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">You call me again and I'm calling the police! </span><br />
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Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-46223157204813197522015-03-05T17:00:00.000+00:002015-03-05T17:01:43.326+00:00World Book Day<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIVjMYIPiiMm2gHLkFEBjT6IuBDyvC0zH2cPjv6d7Yk-JUsjW8DJtHknsG8GHHzLuPxZqE42KmwM28stOHjdtkd8u4y8Lmp_H_zzWmavbn_VC5vAap4HPIcYKzoqLor2AAsL2TygQEIC4u/s1600/World+book+day+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIVjMYIPiiMm2gHLkFEBjT6IuBDyvC0zH2cPjv6d7Yk-JUsjW8DJtHknsG8GHHzLuPxZqE42KmwM28stOHjdtkd8u4y8Lmp_H_zzWmavbn_VC5vAap4HPIcYKzoqLor2AAsL2TygQEIC4u/s1600/World+book+day+2.jpg" height="320" width="210" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Right then! Today is World Book Day which I think is absolutely</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> marvellous don cha know!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">World Book Day started in Spain in 1923 by a load of booksellers who wanted to mark the anniversary of the death of Migueal di Cervantes on the 23rd April, who was shot in the head from a book suppository by a man called Lee Herve Osvaldo.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Actually at that time it wasn't called World Book Day as it was only commemorated by people in Spain so I suspect they called it something like Spanish Book Day you get the general idea.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">In Britain the day is celebrated on the 5th March as the 23rd April happens during school holidays and no teacher in their right mind is going to celebrate it when they could be in the pub. Personally I think it was moved to this day in Britain for reasons of pig-headedness but I can't prove that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Anyway, so I thought I would do my bit to mark this super day by giving my very own book review. I've done numerous arts review, some of you may recall my review of Fifty Shades of Grey.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right so here is the review. Books yes I love em! They come in all shapes, sizes and weights. Some of them are paperback and some are hard core. If you get enough of them you can balance them on top of each other and stand on them making them very effective if you need to take a gander at what is going on in the next door neighbour's estate.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7PJ0WY_Hy5rU8AQ3UXrr0sHP2iQf7VuS2K6vCqBxYWa7PhA3eH0lBeUGNCI85QIBL08CTZcK0j8CDvOJV0Gw6-3Ko8Opej5Rw_Xya57XJm0yGu6e-4yRdFSWuPRhwOMwIHi22pJSH6Gi7/s1600/World+Book+Day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7PJ0WY_Hy5rU8AQ3UXrr0sHP2iQf7VuS2K6vCqBxYWa7PhA3eH0lBeUGNCI85QIBL08CTZcK0j8CDvOJV0Gw6-3Ko8Opej5Rw_Xya57XJm0yGu6e-4yRdFSWuPRhwOMwIHi22pJSH6Gi7/s1600/World+Book+Day.jpg" height="196" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Also, you can lob some of the heavier ones at your servants (or may be today it could be 'Cervantes... geddit? servants/Cervantes) as a way of altering behaviour patterns. Heavier books can also be used as excellent door stops and for flattening dough when making a pizza.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Lighter books aren't very good for lobbing at people. For a start their inertia is low so they tend to just bounce orff their target. Also the target is free to simple turn and catch the book as it is just about to impact upon their personage. While it's possible to have someone's eye with a light book the chances of a successful score on this tiny target are minuscule so best stick to the hardback variety.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Lighter books are, however, very good for feeding to the hounds and stuffing down people's throats if they start to get tiresome. I find stuffing a light book down the throat of a conspiracy theorist very satisfying and also very easy as the mouth of your average conspiracy theorist is usually open with a low, dull, droning sound being emitted from somewhere deep within.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Finally books also make very handy briquettes for starting fires. Chuck a few of those on a burner and before you know it the whole of your neighbour's home will have gone up in smoke. Judging from father's history books, which I finally finished burning last Wednesday, the books of choice for burning in the past tend to be left wing books. People in history couldn't get enough of em! </span></div>
Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-71835864030960323782015-03-01T19:58:00.001+00:002015-03-01T19:58:43.726+00:00Artificial Intelligence<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Intelligence</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Right then! I've heard some absolute ARSE in my time but this week I </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">heard something that had more ARSE in it than all the other ARSE I've heard in my time put together. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Some boffin called </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 18px;">Demis Hassabis has been spouting on about how clever he is and also how clever his company called DeepMind is. The boffins at DeepMind have been concentrating on developing artificial intelligence for computers. </span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">One of the greatest problems with artificial intelligence is the programming. You can fill a computer with terabytes and terabytes of information but that will not make it in the least bit intelligent. For example think of the number of books in the British Library yet if you ask the library a question you'll get an answer akin to your average footballer breaking wind into his breakfast cereal.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">Essentially, information isn't intelligence. However, interpretation of information is more like what the boffins are looking for. So what these clever little shits did was to programme a computer that could make it's own interpretation on simple things. When I say 'simple things' I'm talking about things like Kanye West.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artificial Intelligence</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">So rather than filling the computer with information they simply told it to make it's own decisions to reach a certain objective. What they then did was to apply that to a simple computer game from the 1980s called Breakwind... sorry I did not mean to write that, I meant to write 'Breakout.' The instruction was a simple one, 'Get the maximum number of points.' So within a very short amount of time it has not only mastered the game but also surpassed the best human player's score. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 18px;">Just what the hell is going on with the everybody? These people developed a computer that plays computer games? What the hell is the point of that I ask you! I mean what is the point of having a computer that plays computer games I mean what is the bloody point it's a computer isn't it! It's not as though the computer needs to have a cigarillo break is it? I mean when was the last time you saw a computer having lunch or going to the toilet? I bet you haven't seen a computer in a dogging car park either so what's the point? </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 18px;">It's about as pointless as storing your fridge inside your oven at regulo 4 to prevent the contents of the fridge from cooking! These people must be sick! Not only that but </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 18px;">Google Inc paid half a billion dollars for the Deepmind organisation. Now that's what I call stupid!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; line-height: 18px;">Hold on.... They got half a billion dollars for a computer that plays computer games....? These people are genii..! Why didn't I think of that? I must be stupid...</span><br />
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<br />Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-53336319567409815742015-02-22T11:24:00.003+00:002015-02-22T11:24:27.715+00:00NHS Winter Meltdown<div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">NHS (National Health Service) waiting times have shot up during the winter period here in the UK as a direct consequence of financial cuts. "We're just completely unable to cope "said one nurse at an unnamed Accident and Emergency unit in Stafford, "it's fucking shit," she added. Regrettably this just seems to be the tip of the iceberg. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">At the Bristol Royal Infimary, that wished to remain anonymous, they were experiencing the same thing. "This is bollocks!" said a doctor on the A&E (accident and emergency )unit, "we have been inundated this winter and due to cuts in the budget we're completely unable to cope with the amount of journalists waiting for a story about cuts in hospitals making them unable to cope. It's a disgrace!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Meanwhile, Addenbrookes hospital in Cambridge had severe delays with journalists queuing up at the entrance to accident and emergency waiting for a quick, easy, no effort story of disaster.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"Some of them were writhing around in agony." Said one nurse, "but we were completely unable to help as we were treating patients. I've never seen it this bad before, not since the midwife strike" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Winter always sees a rise in stories about trouble in NHS hospitals as journalists are hardly bothered to get out of bed in the dark mornings. An NHS story is easy pickings for them and there's always the hospital canteen to get a quick cuppa whilst awaiting an inevitable story outside in the cold. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">However this year has been particularly bad because there is a general election and any really easy story about some old duffer snuffing it in a hospital broom cupboard gives journos the idea that they will bag a Pulitzer if they can bring down the government.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Consequently hospitals across the country are facing delays of hours trying to dispense A&E stories. "</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's a disgrace!" said one journalist. I've been lying next to this hospital bed in this corridor for hours and not one patient has filled it. I'm suffering here and nobody has the time to help me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The father of another journalist who had tried to ram an ambulance off the road to get a story about failing response times was appalled. "I'm appalled!" He said, "my son was trying to cook up a half decent story about ambulance delays but lost control of his white van and crashed into a dogging car park. An ambulance crew were there in minutes and he completely lost his entire left wing story. These people are animals!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When confronted with these terrible figures of journalists having to wait for hours for a story a government spokesman stated that he didn't have the faintest idea what I was talking about and that if I really wanted to see him angry he would send some people round first thing in the morning to take me to a nearby field where they would show me what it would be like.</span><br />
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Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162401672561668054.post-61624411398841268732015-02-15T10:27:00.001+00:002015-04-29T16:34:03.558+01:00How to Prevent Hatred on Twitter and Facebook<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Right then! There appears to be a lot of hatred and negativity on the internet these days about anything that is possible to be hateful against. Typically it always seems to be focussed on people of different religious beliefs, cultures and nationalities. This hatred is usually characterised by the differences between people rather than what we have in common. It's a disgrace!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Twitter and Facebook are excellent examples of these whereby trolls not only post hateful and abusive posts on their own pages and timelines but also post ghastly messages on the pages of celebrities, journalists, social commentators, Belgians and even ugly people. A recent example of this was the extensive trolling campaign in the UK of Stella Creasey MP for Walthamstow who campaigned merely to have a woman's face on the new five pound note. This was but one of innumerable examples. Even more of a disgrace! </span><br />
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Fortunately, my own liberal views have prevented me from falling for this trap and my own policy of not tolerating intolerance has made me the tolerant fellow that I am. First sign of a nut-case in the vicinity and I have em standing against the garden wall don cha know! Happiness is very important.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happiness</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Regrettably neither Facebook nor Twitter seem capable of handling this menace in any effective, meaningful manner as they are primarily money-making institutions and this sort of thing doesn't intereste them. Even Twitter boss Dick Costolo states that his own organisation wasn't very good at monitoring this sort of thing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So what is to be done? Well I've been mulling over this one for a couple of minutes now and by Jimeny I've come up with an absolutely marvellous tip-top plan to stop this nonsense once and for all! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Incredible as it may seem I've come up with a way to actually nip this negativity problem right in the bud before it even gets out of the mouths of these people. It's simple!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Simply ban them from the Twitter and Facebook! That's right ban all of them, the lot! All foreigners, Jews, Muslims, Christians, homosexuals, ethnic minorities, women, hipsters, the stupid, the obese, the anorexic, children, young people, old people and Belgians from using these social media platforms! Not only that but if these trolls continue with this mularky then ban the aforementioned from the entire internet! In one fell swoop these people will not only have been liberated from the worst excesses of internet hatred but they will also be in a place devoid of all this sort of thing. Not only will their lives no longer be blighted by these trolls but they will have shown these people who really owns the internet! Ha!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I do wish people would ask me about these things.</span><br />
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Sir Percy Ware-Armitagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10963438449647830636noreply@blogger.com0