Horse Manure!

Can't Give a Shit

Just how is it possible to get horse manure wrong?!! I mean just what the blazes is going on in this country?

With the summer here one needs to move tons of manure onto the garden for good produce come harvest time. I find this back-breaking work for servants to do but I soldier on.

However, because of the wretched servants strike about to enter it's eighteenth month one has had to go to outsiders for one's manure.

So I went to the Gypsies next door and asked them to come round and leave as much of their shit as possible next to the kitchen garden. And this they did without let or hindrance, I paid them by the ton. All very nice, how could that possibly go wrong?

Well later that afternoon some fool from the local borough council visited and insisted on taking a sample of the manure just for examination he said. Poppycock, this clown was out to cause trouble.

Within a day half the blasted council were round my estate accompanied but the Old Bill! They placed me under arrest and before I knew it I was in a cell at the police station! The indignity of it all!! 

And it was all the fault of those pagan swine Gypsies. I gave them specific instruction NOT to use the manure from my racehorse stables and instead steal it from another farm. This was because all my manure contains traces of performance enhancing drugs, painkillers, Banned muscle toners, andrenaline activators and all that sort of thing etc.

Well that's the last time I use those damn Gypsies! You just can't trust anybody these days! Even the bloody horse manure is shit these days!

The Peasants are Revolting!

Communal Latrines Reduce Water Bills

Had the water bill through from the munitions factory two weeks ago. Couldn’t believe it! It was through the roof.

Although production of weapons has increased over the last year or two, what with conflagrations in Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, not forgetting ever increasing demand from those drug barons in Mexico, the overall effect would not justify the increased water bill.

So what has been going on? Well after installing CCTV cameras all over the place it turns out that it is the fault of those wretched little workers.

It transpires that the bleeders have been using the toilets in the factory instead of their own ones at home to save money! What a ghastly shower of individuals.

Never to be out smarted by ’Le Grande Levee’ I had all the toilets torn out and replaced with communal dry latrines. This serves two purposes: the first is to cut down on the water bill and the second is to keep those blasted workers in their seats.

You see those dry latrines are an absolute abomination, they stink the place out within seconds and secondly you can't sit on em because they are a bit like a cat litter tray.

It’s so humiliating having to use those things that only the really desperate use them. Everybody else waits until they get back home before using the toilet.

Since being installed the water bill has gone down and production has gone up. Bonus

How to Save Water and Paper

Life is a game. When one finds the time for deep introspection, one finds that one simply doesn't have enough happiness to buy enough money.

I mean why should I cough up on things like say, for example, lavatory water, which falls from the sky for free, but then the blasted water companies have the gall to charge ME for it! I mean what the blazes is that all about?

And I don't see why I should have to pay for other related things like lavatory paper either?! I mean what is the point of paying for paper that one uses to wipe one's backside upon. I mean paper is for writing on don cha know. What kind of person is it that voluntarily pays for arse-wiping material? They must be sick!

So this is why this morning I was especially peeved to find that my local pub was closed. Didn't want a drinky you understand but since 1978 one has been using the toilets there every day to help cut down on the water bill at home. 

They didn't even have the decency to warn me about it the night before, when I had popped in to have shit one the way home from the local Indian Restaurant. 

Doesn't anyone care about anyone anymore nowadays. All people can do is think about nothing other than themselves. It's a disgrace!

In the end one had no other option and was forced to relieve one's self in one of those foul portable latrines provided by British Telecom. What a ghastly start to the day!

Australia's Great White Sharks!

No Complaints

Heard on the wireless about those chappies in Australia having a spot of bother with the local marine life

Apparently earlier this week a surfer jonnie was bitten in half by a Great White Shark. Died instantaneously. 

Anyway some of the chaps in Australia now want to go round killing all the sharks so nobody else gets scoffed. Well what kind of an attitude is that? It's not just our planet to with what we wish willy-nilly. No Sir! A shark is a shark, it eats people. That is just what they do. You can't kill the blighters because of that. 

I say leave em alone, they've been on this earth longer than us. Shame on those who want to kill em all just so they can lounge around on the blasted beach bronzing themselves.

People like that make me sick! So intolerant! I say we throw em to the sharks! That's the only sort of language that that lot understand!

Global Warming & Wind Farms

What in Beelzebub’s balls is the world coming to?

Just look at this picture! Look at it. It’s a sign that mankind has finally flipped it’s lid.

It’s a photo of something called a wind farm. Apparently it is going to help stop global warming.

Now I may have an arse for a brain but you’re not going to cool down the planet with huge farms of fans blowing cold air everywhere are you?!

I mean how much electricity do these thing use in order to power them? It’s bloody lunacy!

No if you want to cool down the planet just get everyone to leave their fridge doors open over night. I wish people would ask me about these things you know.

Natural Disaster

Dreadful Heat

It's sweltering here! Can hardly keep my G&T cold long enough to drink the blasted thing.  Have to keep throwing it down my throat ASAP.

Of coursre very hot prolonged summers have resulted in 100's dying through high temperatures and thirst last year in Southern France and it looks as though this will be repeated this year too!

So here is what must be done to avoid a repetition of last year. 

• Equip lorries to carry tons of water to strategic locations.

• Set up a network of hose-pipes that thread their way between all the choice grape vines.
•  
• Reintroduce slavery so each grape-vine can be shaded from the extreme temperatures of the midday sun otherwise even more vines will die.

• Divert water from small towns and cities into choice wine producing regions.

If it wasn't for that fascio-trotskyite bureaucratic regime in the EU all this would have been dealt with last year!

Graffiti

This'll keep the walls clean!

One has noticed a general decline in society over the last few years don't cha know.

One is talking about graffiti! What does any of it say? What the devil does it mean?! As far as one is concerned it is a hideous monstrosity that needs to be dealt with. You can't just go round defacing public walls willy-nilly!

Social Cleansing in The Borough of Newham

Socially Cleansed

Just heard on the wireless about social cleansing in the London borough of Newham.

Apparently, the authorities there are sending riff-raff to Stoke-on-Trent for housing because it’s a damn site cheaper.

This is an outrage! Stoke-on-Trent is over 200 miles from London. 

It's not nearly far enough! How about the Isle of Skye? There's only a few people there and there must be a few abandoned houses so the rent will be really low.

Better still send the lot of em to the North Pole! There’s no houses there at all so rent would be free! And if they start complaining about the cold then just thrash the living daylights out of em don cha know!

Hose-Pipe Ban in Southern England!

Whip-Crackingly Good Thrashings!

This is a disaster! One has got hose-pipes all over the place and now one is not permitted to use them!

And it's not because of the drought either! It's because of those loons at the water companies! Total incompetence.

It's all very well them banning the use of hoses but tell me this; what am I now supposed to use to thrash the living daylights out of the gardening staff? Hey? I bet then haven't got an answer for that!

With a hose, if you get the swing right it acts like a whip! And with enough practice one can master the crack of the whip to sound just as the servants shout in pain!

End of the World?!

Worse Things Have Happened

Apparently the world is going to end this year. Well let me tell you something it’s definitely not going to end this year.

How do I know? Because it ended in 1979 when the last bottle of Domaine Armand Rousseau Pere et Fils Chambertin 1936 was polished off by some ghastly bankers too stupid to know the difference between it and a wretched Claude Dugat Griottes-Chambertin 1879.

Once I'd heard that that last bottle had been drunk I was forced to instantaneously assult all the staff in order to forget!

And since that time I've never been near a blasted bank either. Animals!!

Drought Declared in Southern England!

My Drought!

By Jove those jonnies at the weather bureau are right for a change! There is a drought! Can't believe it!

This is a terrible state of affairs! What is going on in the World? A drought in March. I just don't know what has come over me. I must be losing it. 

They are completely correct of course. I haven't had a Gin & Tonic for well over an evening! Now that is what one calls a drought! Off to the boozer one thinks.

Cold Snap!

Can't imagine the suffering

One was relaxing on the Estate today and one noticed as distinct drop in temperature. One was very perturbed! I mean this isn't the sort of temperatures one expects at this time of year in these parts.

Irritated one ushered the waiter and gave him what for about the drop in temperature. Naturally the fool didn't speak a word of English and ran away as I stood up in order to start thrashing him for the second time that morning.