Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts

Sunday 16 June 2013

S.P.W.A. and the Work/Life Balance

One understands the importance of an all round Work/Life balance and that is why one has been a strong advocate of all this sort of thing all ones life.

For one, a work life imbalance proves very difficult to sustain on a long term basis. I mean one has just to look at ones family life and the stress it can play with the wife and even the girlfriends too if you let it get out of control. Also the imbalance lead to many problems with ones own ghastly children and relatives in general.

And because of this work started to become affected too. In general one feels that a Work/Life imbalance is important for all and sundry.

So the first thing one did was to reduce ones hours per week from as much as 60 down to 30 hours per week down the pub. Also one decided to reduce the amount of Gala Luncheons one attended from five per month down to two per week. One was also able to make other improvements; to spend more time at the family villa in Tuscany while the family stayed in Chalfont-St-Peter. More time with the children was also facilitated and one was able to hire another nanny for them to play with. 

Of course some sacrifices were needed in order for a complete balance and to help pay the extra nanny one sacked  few dozen staff and managers at Ware-Armitage Motors and The Ware-Armitage Munitions factory whilst instructing the others to work more hours for less money and all that sort of thing.

Anyway, since instigating a better Work/Life balance one has felt much more at peace and is able to sleep much better, appreciate life more and at the same time have a little extra cash due to the sackings. Ones mind is at peace.

Monday 29 April 2013

A Hand Up!

Welcome to England
Recently not been feeling tickety-boo so one went to the Docs for a check up and all that sort of thing. 

Anyway, the fellow appeared to have a speech impediment and when I pointed this out to him he told me that he was foreign! That's what you get with today's Nation Health Service don cha know. 

This jonny foreigner listened to the old ticker and that was fine, blood pressure was a little on the high side but nothing too much to worry about so one was pleased as punch with all that. The foreign Doctor then said he wanted to get an indication of me prostrate. One thought this was a little odd as what difference would it be to give me a check up if I was lying on the floor?

Nevertheless one got on the floor face down and waited. There was complete silence from the foreign Doctor. I asked the fellow what he was waiting for to which he replied 'You will need to take your clothes off Mr Ware-Armirage. 

'Sir Percy Ware-Armitage' not 'Mister,'  This fellow was starting to annoy me. What does he think I am some kind of prole? This was all very peculiar. One couldn't actually see why this foreign Doctor wanted me on the floor prostrate with my clothes off. But one is a tolerant sort of fellow so I undressed and got back on the floor face down. 

The Doc then asked my why I was on the floor. I mean the man is a complete fool you can't prostrate yourself anywhere else. The definition is 'To lie on the floor' I told the bleeder this and he got all funny with me. He then ordered me to get on the bed face down. By this time he was really beginning get my gander up! So one got up off the blasted floor, stark naked and got on the examination bed! 

And then you will never guess what this pervert did? He started to shove his hand up my arse! Of all the indignity! It's a disgrace! I knew there was something wrong with the blighter as soon as I saw him. Who the hell do these people think they are? I mean it's not as though he was my old geography teacher back in Eaton! Naturally I was out of that place like a shot and I won't be going back there again.

The whole episode is a disgrace! One reported it to the police and they just laughed at me! The shame! Terrible. The humiliation of it all. Well I am never going to let this happen again no Sir by Jimeny I will not! I can tell you now that if anyone is going to try to stick a hand up my arse then it is going to belong to an Englishman.

Sunday 10 February 2013

Alien Abduction!

Vomit
Had the fright of my life last night when I was abducted by spacemen.

One has read about this sort of thing happening to plebes, scum, trailer trash, poor people and fools but one had dismissed it as hogwash. The product of delusion, mistaken identity or idiocy but not any longer no sir by Jimeny it is true.

One was terrified! So what happened? Well one had just exited the pub after having downed three bottles of chateaux de Molin de cote flambolier followed by a chaser. Then all washed down with a swift Ardbeg 1943, well four swift ones actually as the first three were a bit too swift if you know what I mean?

Then as one was walking back to the estate one noticed that ones weight was starting to increase as the old legs suddenly gave way. Although one did not realise this at the time, this was obviously a gravitational effect of the flying saucer’s propulsion system as it closed in on my personage.

And that was when I saw it! Initially it was just two bright lights heading towards me following the exact direction of the road. Then two bright blue lights just above those started flashing and rotating. This was followed by a bright piercing sound that went something like woooowwwww.

One started to feel fear but one was not prepared to show it, you know what these foreigners are like, so I tried to shout at them ’get lost filth I know where you live’ but it came out all slurred and unintelligible as these alien trash were obviously tying to hypnotise me!

I then felt them grab me by the arms and pick me up off the floor whereby I heard them speaking in their alien language something like ’gonnafuk indoyouover atthe stashun cahnt’

One then became completely overwhelmed and started vomiting profusely obviously because of the effects of the radioactivity generated by their flying saucer.

Then everything went dark and the next thing I knew I was lying in the ditch just outside the police station covered in bruises where I had obviously fought off the alien attack! It was a good thing the filth.. err sorry the police were close at hand to fend these beings off otherwise God knows what would have happened!

Thursday 31 January 2013

Broken Wind

Just writing to give some advice to all the youngsters out there revolving around the topic of breaking wind.

Broken wind is not in itself a problem it is merely a normal bodily function when one has consumed solid material containing amounts of hydrocarbons. This is then released through the digestive process. Beans are usually good for this sort if thing but also my valet, Courtney, swore by brussel sprouts especially for his room-clearing ’workington special’ bless him.

Anyway when entertaining a lady it is most important not to guff just as one is about to sit down. This is a particularly vulnerable stage to be in, with a lady, because as the emission of methane is released from one’s backside the cloud has a propensity to hover in the vicinity of one’s arse.

Sunday 27 January 2013

Not Pregnant with Brother, Just Obese

Life is a funny old thing don cha know! Occasionally The Lord sends one a challenge that requires intellect, astuteness and a shear expanse of mental capacity to get oneself out of a sticky situation.

Unfortunately for one, one has none of these traits so one usually has to rely on the reserves of wit, bolshiness and lying to get out of one's sticky situations. And this was what happened the other day whilst walking in a public park. One doesn't normally walk in public parks but one needed to reaffirm just how rich one was by comparing its size to the vast acorage of one's own estates dotted around the place.

Anyway, one's mood was of a hearty disposition, one even got a passer-by to donate some money to a beggar. One saw a young couple, obviously intoxicated by love and the excitement of the impending birth of their baby, strolling towards my good self. I thought I would share my heartiness and pay them both my compliments.

SPWA:         Congratulations!
Female Prole: What do you mean?
SPWA:         Your child?
Male Prole:   What are you talking about?
SPWA:        (pointing to stomach) That. When is it due?
Female Prole: When is what due?
SPWA:         This thing, you two have obviously been at it.

This was when one realised that the female prole was not in fact expecting offspring at all. This was where one's wit took charge to try to lighten the tense situation.

SPWA:        Oh I see you are obese!
Male Prole:  What?!
SPWA:        One thought this chappie here had got you pregnant
Male Prole:  This is my sister.
SPWA:        I always say 'never judge a person by their obesity  Male Prole:  You got a problem mate? 
SPWA:        Underneath all that blubber there is a human being.
Male Prole:  I don't like you mate!

One then proceeded to walk away sharpish before the two proles became violent.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

The Philadelphia Experiment: Conspiracy Theory

Proof: Real Photo of Invisible Destroyer
Just been reading about something called ’The Philadelphia Experiment' Sometimes known as [Project Rainbow' this is a conspiracy theory that simply can not go away.

Apparently, at the time of the end of the Second World War some American jonnies invented a story based around an actual Navy destroyer called the USS Eldridge.

Sunday 13 January 2013

New Year Resolution

Having just recovered from the New Year festivities at Lady Fiddlescomb-Partridges Estate. One realises that one should attempt to make some kind of effort with a new year resolution. One is not prone to this sort of wishy-washy pseudo-socialist clap-trap but one does have things that need to be addressed sooner or later so why not give it a whirl.

Those Resolutions in Full;

1) The Strike, it has been about a year now and things are getting done around the estate and it's starting to look a complete shower. So my resolution is to break those perishers one way or another, never give in to bastard striking servants!

2) Money, need to make a few savings here and there so there will be more visits to the pub to use the toilets,

3) Work, need to give oneself a payrise from Ware-Armitage Motors. This is easily done by sacking a few of the numpties

4) Start writing my memoirs. This is going to be a winner entitled 'All the Filth in the World at MY Door'

5) Health, hmm yes as one gets older one needs to be aware of ones increasing frailties. Therefore I will be hiring a personal coach to run around the estate at least twice a week.

6) Relationships, this is important, one desires to be finally rid of the ex-wives, let's hope nothing too trivial happens to them this year hey ha ha.

7) Finally must have shot at least 250-260 animals last year and one feels some guilt about this, espcially what with the current attitudes towards animal welfare one should at least make an effort on this issue. So this year let's aim for at least 450. That should get the bunny-huggers in a huff

Saturday 5 January 2013

Cure for a Hangover

Hangover Victim
Just awoken from my New Year Eve celebration. My God that was a blaster of a function. Lady Dooms-Patterson certainly knows how to throw a soiree at short notice don cha know. 

But that was six days ago now one has to deal with this stinker of a hangover. Now there are many remedies for a hangover including, orange juice or a cola beverage. Some suggest hair of the dog, but I've never understood that stupid expression even if it does relate to continuing to drink once one has awoken.

Tuesday 27 November 2012

Cass Elliot: Conspiracy Theory

Mama Sandwich & Ham Elliot
One can confirm that Cass Elliot of the Mamas and Papas, that musical ensemble from 1960's California did not choke to death on a Ham Sandwich. No Sir by Jimeny she did not!

Common Legend has it that she did. This rumour started after the Old Bill had raided her abode after she hadn't answered the phone for a few days. As they barged in they found her on the carpet with a half eaten ham sandwich lying next to her body.

Sunday 14 October 2012

Intercontinental Ballistic Incontinence

Cure for Incontinence
As a person gets old that person starts losing full control of their bodily functions, for example copious quantities of wind being audibly released into atmospheres at social functions, dinner parties, evening balls, culinary soirees, polite company and all that sort of thing.

Of course great gargling gas emissions are just the tip of the ice-berg don cha know! Other people actually defecate in their own clothes! This actually happened to Great Uncle Whoopsie Ware-Armitage at The Palace circa 1927 when an accidental blast tore a whole right through his undergarments and trousers!

Well it need not happen ever again! No Sir by Jimeny it need not! For one has devised a super tip-top way to be rid of this blight upon human dignity once and for all.

That's right a cure ballistic incontinence. Not only that but the cure is so easy it'll make one an overnight millionaire!

It's simple, all one has to do is the following;

1) Obtain a long list of sufferers.

2) Confiscate all their trousers and underpants.

3) Pass a law forbidding these people from wearing below the navel garments. 

Then the next time they lose control of their solid waste expulsion musculature it all falls onto the floor or gets blasted onto the nearest wall of the post office leaving them standing there without beshitten undergarments.

Sunday 7 October 2012

The Peasants are Revolting!

Communal Latrines Reduce Water Bills
Had the water bill through from the munitions factory two weeks ago. Couldn’t believe it! It was through the roof.

Although production of weapons has increased over the last year or two, what with conflagrations in Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, not forgetting ever increasing demand from those drug barons in Mexico, the overall effect would not justify the increased water bill.

So what has been going on? Well after installing CCTV cameras all over the place it turns out that it is the fault of those wretched little workers.

It transpires that the bleeders have been using the toilets in the factory instead of their own ones at home to save money! What a ghastly shower of individuals.

Never to be out smarted by ’Le Grande Levee’ I had all the toilets torn out and replaced with communal dry latrines. This serves two purposes: the first is to cut down on the water bill and the second is to keep those blasted workers in their seats.

You see those dry latrines are an absolute abomination, they stink the place out within seconds and secondly you can't sit on em because they are a bit like a cat litter tray.

It’s so humiliating having to use those things that only the really desperate use them. Everybody else waits until they get back home before using the toilet.

Since being installed the water bill has gone down and production has gone up. Bonus

Saturday 6 October 2012

So Sweet.... and Sour

Well strike me down with Jove’s jockstrap! You’ll never guess what I saw today?

Was walking along the high street in Norbiton when I saw the strangest thing. It was an oriental person walking a dog!

Just goes to show how the world is changing don cha know. In the olden days You’d never see an oriental person walking a dog no Sir by Jimeny you would not!

You’d see em eating the damn things! You’d never see them walking Fido or Spot in the street unless they had just kidnapped them and were on their way to get their throats slit that is.

I remember the joke that whenever an Oriental restaurant opened up nearby there would be a spate of local people's pets going missing. Well this is just no true! The pets never went missing! No Sir! They would end up in the char su-pow, that’s not missing.

But I will tell you what is missing right now and that is a large Gin and Tonic.

Sunday 23 September 2012

Drug Addict Photos: Before and After!!

Heroin Addict Before.............. After
Just been reading about heroin and the effect it has on those whom consume it.

Apparently the fools that take this stuff are off their bloody rockers! Don't have a clue what is going on and are not able to care either. Kind of envy them in a way!

Anyway they become so deluded that they rapidly decline in terms of mental health and become so addicted that everything in their lives revolves around the acquisition of money to buy heroin, Kind of envy them in a way.


Addict: Sulkin Before....... After
The result is that these people lose their jobs, homes, friends and acquaintances. After that they turn to criminal activity such as mugging people and fraud.

Frequently they end up in gaol at the tax payers expense! So we are still giving them handouts!! Don't know about you but I bloody well had to work other people to the bone to get where I am today so it is pretty galling when I see this lot being spoiled by being thrown in goal or rehabilitation centres when they could easily be placed on a pile of manure. When will it all end? 

Addict: Winehouse Before..... After
But the worst thing about it is that simply increases the number of ugly people patrolling the streets! Who do they think they are? One has attached a few photos to look at to compare these people how they were before taking drugs and what they were like after. Its a disgrace!

It is clear that what these people need is help, care and assistance for their condition. I recommend more make-up. Failing that they could just simply put a bag on their head? And preferably a plastic one at that.

Wednesday 19 September 2012

Losing One's Marbles!!

What is the blasted world coming to?!!!

I've been walking around all day aware of a ghastly smell in the air!

I thought it was the wretched estate next door experimenting with chemical toilets but no. Turns out I went to the kharzi this morning and forgot to pull my down my trousers!

That's the third time I've done that this week! Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?

My God is this the way it ends for everybody? It's frightening if you ask me. Getting old and decrepit, loosing ones senses and all that mularky! Can't the blasted government do anything about it? No that's right they won't do anything about. They can put a trumpet player on the moon but ask em to stop aging and they pretend they haven't got a clue. It's a damn conspiracy if you ask me. In fact it's so frightening one could easily shit oneself if one thought about it too much.

Thursday 30 August 2012

Locked In Syndrome. An Explanation

Man On Floor
Locked-in syndrome is a ghastly stae of affairs that  can stirke a chap down will-nilly and the ladies too!

It can leave one totally incapacitated and completely dependent on others to fucnction in an ordinary everdy day sense.

This is what happens. One makes ones way to the nearest pub, orders a drinkie, then downs it pronto. One then orders serveral more drinkies and before one knows it one passes out under the table.

The landlord calls time and then buggers off home oblivious to one still being under the table.

After a while one awakens blabbering incomprehensibly due to the alchohol, staggers over to the door, passes water on the floor, throws up, then falls back down again on ones arse. All this to the tune of 'Glory Glory Halleluhjah.' One eventually gets to the door to go home but the blithering landlord has locked it! And there you are, locked-in syndrome. That's it in a nutshell.

Personally one can't see what all the hullabaloo is over this condition. I mean the last time it happened to me I just made my way to the optics and helped myself to a bottle of Gin and a bottle of tonic. You know the rest!

Sunday 24 June 2012

Transgender?!!



Peculiar Voice
My God what is the world coming to!? It transpires that there is a pervert in my condominium?! 

I thought there was something wrong with her the moment I met her at a function the other evening whilst I was attempting to get her up to my room.

Her voice was a bit strange, she was a little tall and she had B.O. Turns out she was a HE!

My God man what is going on?! He started boasting about his gender reassignment. The only reassignment I could think of was concerning his face!!

Reassignment indeed! In my day there was only one to do with his kind! Cut off his wedding tackle! That's the only language his/her/their sort understand!

Monday 14 May 2012

Dalai Lama and Happiness

Got Any Change?

Just been listening to some Bhuddist chappie on the wireless called the Dalai Pyjama.

Apparently, the soul is immortal! which means that I will bump into the first wife again at a some point.

But anyway the main point of his discourse was related to universal truth, enlightenment, peace and tolerance.

One found this all very interesting but One couldn't help but think this fellow had missed the fundamental point about life. 

Sunday 29 April 2012

Center for Bio-Ethical Reform's Anti-abortionist Methods!

Greg Cunningham
'Look at Me Everybody!'
Just heard this Yankee Chappie, Greg Cunningham, who's coming to the UK to Protest about Abortion!.

Well if that is what the man wants to do then let him. But One doesn't like his methods!

He sticks large graphic pictures of the unborn all over the place in public areas. Doesn't he realise that some people have just eaten breakfast, fast food or a Kebab?!!!

One doesn't want this in One's face willy nilly in public!  Who does this bleeder think he is? People like him should be ashamed of themselves putting material of that sort up in public areas. It's the tactics of desperation!! It's a disgrace!

There's only one thing to do with his sort, take them to a shopping centre or train station and then string them up, draw and quarter them! That's the only sort of language they understand!

Tuesday 24 April 2012

Social Cleansing in The Borough of Newham

Socially Cleansed
Just heard on the wireless about social cleansing in the London borough of Newham.

Apparently, the authorities there are sending riff-raff to Stoke-on-Trent for housing because it’s a damn site cheaper.

This is an outrage! Stoke-on-Trent is over 200 miles from London. 

It's not nearly far enough! How about the Isle of Skye? There's only a few people there and there must be a few abandoned houses so the rent will be really low.

Better still send the lot of em to the North Pole! There’s no houses there at all so rent would be free! And if they start complaining about the cold then just thrash the living daylights out of em don cha know!

Friday 30 March 2012

Dying for the Weekend

Have a nice weekend
Just heard on the wireless that you are more likely to drop dead in hospital at the weekend than at any other time during the week.

Rubbish! You're more likely to die in a bomb explosion or being attacked by a rottweiler.

These statesticians obviously have far too much time on their hands to cook up half-baked statistics to make themselves look clever. I mean they have to do this to justify their own jobs. They should do what I do to justify my existence; drink champagne, that always works

These people are obviously under alot of stress. I think they need to evaluate their lives and find time for some introspection. To do this I think they should take the weekend off.