Showing posts with label People. Show all posts
Showing posts with label People. Show all posts

Thursday 13 June 2013

Astronaut Chris Hadfield: Commander?

Man in Command
Just seen a video of Commander Chris Hadfield singing David Bowie’s number one hit song entitled ‘Space Oddity’ on the International Space Station.

In it we see numerous shots of planet earth in all it’s resplendent glory, the moon, the International Space Station, from both inside and out, while Hadfield sings his merry ditty. On one occasion the man even seems to shed a tear.

Well these are not the attributes of a Commander if you ask me, they are more like the attributes of a Silly Billy! When I was in the Durham Light Infantry my Commander, Uncle 'Slasher' Ware-Armtage would get through at least two proles per day and that was of his own men! Now that’s what I call a commander!

I mean how many people had this Hadfield man shot on this mission? None! In my day a good mission wasn’t a good mission until we had lost at least half of the platoon, not prancing around weightlessly singing songs from popular culture! It’s a disgrace!

And as for singing, well the only songs we were allowed to sing were Colonel Bogey and God save the Queen. None of this namby-pamby wuss-encrusted pish-posh from this ill-moustachioed weightless ponce!

Gone are the days when a real commander would strap innocent men to the end of a cannon and blast their sorry entrails across vast swathes of occupied territory with impugnity. Gone are the days when we could strap high explosives to people's dogs, let them go, wait until the animal got back into its home and then detonate the lot, sending the occupants into oblivion! Gone are the days when we could shoot a man from afar, wait until a crowd had gathered around him to see if the chap was alright and then we would open up on them with the flame throwers. Gone are the days when a....


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Monday 13 May 2013

Ray Harryhausen: An Obituary

Found Up Arse
Just been reading about Ray Harryhausen the legendary visual effects animator who sadly died earlier this week of constipation.

During his long life Harryhausen pioneered research into medication for constipation in the film industry. This was known colloquialy as Stop Motion Visuals although why anyone would want to visualise this sort of thing is completely beyond me. Additionally Stop Motion also gave him a chance to make forays into colonic irrigation, appendicitus, dysentry, gihardia, incontinence and blowing off.

Thursday 9 May 2013

Aung San Suu Kyi: An Obituary

She Was A Girl From Burma-ingham
Just been reading about Aung San Suu Kyi.

She was the world famous and respected politician who campaigned against the military dictatorship in her home of Burmingham, a large industrialised urban conurbation, situated in the West Midlands/Alabama.

Suu Kyi was born at a very young age and was immediately named after her mother's side salad as she was born in a Nepalese restaurant.

She stood for election in 1990 against the military government of Burmingham Alabama/West Midlands and beat them into second place. The bounders then invalidated the election simply because they couldn't pronounce her name.

Suu Kyi was very upset by this and went home for the next 21 years to sulk and also to refuse to come out and say hello, even to the milkman. As part of this sulking, Aung San Suulk Kyi recieved a large international following with dozens of countries giving her totally meaningless accolades and awards. For Example, she received the Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought in 1990. Well that's hardly a big deal is it. Even a trifle can think now can't it!

Then in 1991 Ang San Sulk Kyi received the Nobel Peace Prize. Again, sitting at home watching the blasted telly and blowing off
all day is hardly going to start a World War now is it? Even I could get a peace prize for that.

Also, in 2007, the Government of Canada made Angst San Sulk Kyi an honorary citizen of that country. See what I mean? What's the point of making someone a citizen of a country when they won't even leave their own house prefering to blow off and watch the blasted telly all day?


Then in 1979 the Sex Pistols wrote a song about her in which they said:


Lydon Sings to Aung

She was a girl from Burma-ingham
She's just had an abortion
She was case of Insanity
Her name was Sulky 
and she lived in a tree





Or something like that. But anyway, she was a great politician who fortunately liked staying at home. I just wish more of that lot would follow her example.


 

Monday 6 May 2013

Hans Lipschis: Arrest

Hans full of Shitz
Just been reading about some jonny called Hans Lipschis. 


This fellow was one of those tricky-dicky National Socialist jonnies who didn't have anything better to do with their time than to go around causing trouble on mainland Europe during the 1940s.

Friday 19 April 2013

Gunther Von Häagen-Dazs

Ice Cream
Just seen an extraordinary exhibition by some chappie called Gunter Von Häagen-Dazs.
 

Could scarcely believe my eyes this Haagens-Dazs fellow takes his own brand of ice-cream and then feeds it to dying people.

Thursday 18 April 2013

Thatcher Funeral: The Sponsorship Deals

My Sentiments Exactly!
Saw that funeral yesterday of Thatcher! That Grocer's daughter, or should that be groser daughter? caused havoc and chaos to every man, woman and child across the country during her reign! It was a disgrace. For everyone the suffering was unimaginable! 

These politicians are notorious for being completely out of touch with real life. Wallowing in their government mansions in central London and in the countryside at Chequers and Chievening and bathing in copius amounts of Taxpayers money.

Friday 12 April 2013

Prof. Robert Edwards: An Obituary

Father Again for the Umpteenth Time
Just been reading about Professor Robert Edwards who died at the age of 87. This was the man who help literally hundreds of thousands of women get pregnant.

The dirty bleeder!! Didn't think it was possible for someone like him to do it at all let alone with hundreds of thousands of women. He must have been at it all day for the last thirty years! The man is an animal!

He shoud be ashamed of himself! The man is a beast! And what exactly is it that women see in him? I mean he was 87 and looked like a prune! I knew I should have been a doctor! Women love that sort of thing in a man. It's shameful!

How did he get away with it? And there is the blasted cost! All those children must have cost a fortune! Where did he get the money from? Let alone the energy. One can barely manage it once a week let alone do it with hundreds of thousands of women. He must scarely had the chance to go home. No wonder he's got such a massive grin on his face. It's just not fair!

Tuesday 9 April 2013

Margaret Thatcher: An Obituary



Margaret Thatcher in her role as Meryl Streep
Just heard about the death of Lady Margaret Thatcher

This incredible woman was a controversial character that was both divisive and yet decisive. Her life was a series of struggles with the established order and with the men and institutions of her time.

The hightlight of her career came when she won the Oscar for Best Actress in the film The Iron Lady where she portrayed Meryl Streep who had won three general elections for her portrayal of a Leader of the Conservative Party.

Friday 1 March 2013

Lord Rennard is a Sex Pest?

Wants It
Just been reading about Lord Rennard  of the Liberal Democratic Party.

Apparently this rapscallion has the compulsion of asking women in his political party for sexual intercourse. It's a disgrace!


All the women concerned in these allegations have said 'No' to his sexual advances and who can blame them either, I mean look at him! This great fat shit should consider himself lucky to even be able to speak English let alone attract women. What on earth is going on in his head. Doesn't he realise that some women have taste?

Thursday 28 February 2013

Abraham Lincoln: best actor

Lincoln's Portayal of Lewis
Congratulations to Abraham Lincoln for winning the Oscar for best actor in his role as Daniel Day-Lewis.

Apparently, this is the third time that Abraham Day-Lincoln has won an Oscar, something that has never been done before by a former President of the United States of America.

Lincoln’s performance as Day-Lewis, a character actor from Sidcup, shone through as the performance to beat. The film started with Night-Lewis’ life when he went into business as the owner of a very nice laundrette in Birmingham in 1978.

Sunday 24 February 2013

Rihanna: Start Violence Against Idiotic Men!

That's Right, Throttle him!!!
Just been reading about some bint called Rihanna. Apparently she and her last boyfriend, a violent man called Chris Brown.

Anyway Brown and Rihanna split up a while ago because he beat her up in a fit of mad passion according to her and then she left him. Her photographs were all over the newspapers and what have you with bruises and cuts and all that sort of thing.

What gets me is that in this last fortnight there has been a global campaign to end violence against women, yet in the same time she chooses to get back with Brown as she feels as though he is completely misunderstood.

And she is right... she has completely misunderstood him. You can't go around hitting people willy-nilly! What sort of society is it that tolerates that sort of nonsense? And who is she to tolerate that sort of nonsense too. 

If there is to be a global campaign to stop violence against women then at least those in the upper eschealons of the media world can set and example and join in! It's a disgrace!

There is only one thing to do with women like this, slap em around! That's the only sort of language they understand!

Saturday 16 February 2013

Oscar Pistorius: The Trial

Oscar Pissedasafarticus with Guitar
Just heard the charges brought against Oscar Pistorius.

The clown has been charged with shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp dead. 

In his defence Pissedonabus claims that he heard a burglar in the house, shot first then asked questions, simple really.

However, the neighbours story is entirely different. They claim to have heard shouting between Pissedoffruis and Steenkamp, followed by gunshots.

Now I don't know about you but people shouting their heads off followed by gunshots equals a pretty sticky situation. It is impossible to make any claims at this juncture but one thinks this is a clearly a case of 'Leg Envy.' I mean have you seen hers? They are just the ticket if you ask me.

If Oscar Pissedasafarticus thinks he can get away with this then he has another thing coming, for me the odds are stacked against him. The fool clearly hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Friday 15 February 2013

Oscar Pistorius: The Truth

Nice Legs, better than his
Just been reading about the bokker Oscar Pistorius.

Apparently the damn fool went and shot his girlfriend dead on Valentines day. Well that's not very romantic is it? One usually takes one of one's girlfriends to a restaurant or hiking in the countryside. What kind of a man does he think he is?

One can imagine that the answer to that question is 'not much.' Which incidently, is exactly what you can say about the fellow anyway. 

Sunday 20 January 2013

Hitchcock: Film Review

Hitchcock Plays Hopkins Perfectly
Just Seen an advanced screening of the film ’Hitchcock’ in which Alfred Hitchcock portrays the famous actor Anthony Hopkins.

The film focuses on Hopkins’ role he played, so superbly, as Hannibal Lector in the film ’The Psycho of the Lambs’

Hitchcock plays Anthony Hopkins almost perfectly and there were times when I was convinced that I was actually looking at Anthony Hopkins doing a ridiculous impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock but no!

Anthony Perkins portrays Helen Mirren perfectly in the supporting role of Anthony Hopkins’ wife, Trixabel.

Friday 28 December 2012

Piers mOrgan Deportation Petition

Nazional Rifle Association
One has just read that there is a petition in the United States to get Piers Morgan deported.

The reason for this is because he spoke out in favour of a stricter gun control within the United States after the Connecticut shootings in which twenty-six people had had their brains splattered all over the place thus dying.

Monday 24 December 2012

Merry Christmas, One and All.

Merry Christmas/Easter
See this picture? One feels that, since there is an economic crisis, it would be wise to set an example to all those out there without money and show how one would go about economising on things if one were in the same situation.

So to that end one's good friend and all round Bon Vivant Lord Michael Brown of Vancouver, Canada has designed this Christmas/Easter card combo. It captures both the essence of Easter and the joy of Christmas.

Furthermore, one can keep it on the mantelpiece for at least four months, depending on when Easter falls next year of course.

Saturday 15 December 2012

Sir Patrick Moore: An Obituary

Sir Patrick Moore as 007
Just read the sad news that Sir Patrick Moore, the first astronomer to portray James Bond has sadly died at the age of 89

Moore was borne in England on the 4th March 1923 under the star sign of Sagittarius. He regarded this as poppycock and maintained to his dying days that he was in fact born under a cherry tree.

After joining the RAF in the Second World War he developed a strong interest in spy-glasses and spies.

After the end of the war he put both these interests together and auditioned for the role of James Bond after Sean Connery started pantomime at the Brixton academy. Moore’s first film as the heroic super spy was ‘Live and Let Die’

While the film received critical and commercial success Moore was dissatisfied in the part. He went into some kind of depression and started doing his homework from Mrs Shufflebottom’s maths class way back in April 1937. It was this that gave him inspiration to look at the moon through his telescope.

In particular he became an expert in the far side of the moon and worked together with Pink Floyd on one of their albums.

This gave him inspiration to write a screenplay to the next James Bond film entitled Moonraker. Moore was in his element again and loved every moment of the shooting. Moore changed his name to Roger after this and then changed it back again to Patrick.

Among his acquaintances were Yuri Gagarin; the first man in space, Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player on the moon and finally Orville Wright the first man to have his flies undone for more then twenty yards. All of these men Moore had personally kicked in the testicles after lulling them into a false sense of security by giving them some of his mother’s treacle pudding.

A great man, astronomer and actor. He shall be greatly missed.

Wednesday 28 November 2012

David Shayler Trapped Inside the Body of David Shayler

Someone inside the body of someone else
Look at this. This is David Shayler, the former MI5 civil servant who blubbed about UK government secrets to the press. Clearly with nowhere to go with his life since that episode he has gone into himself to do some soul searching. And what did he find? He found that he was one of those people who are one member of a genital group who thinks they are trapped inside the body of the opposite genital group.

In fact the condition doesn't even have a medical name and the default tital 'Woman trapped inside a Man's body' is merely a façon de parler.

Well one doesn't get it! If this is the case why can't he just try on an appropriate pair of genitally grouped underpants and be done with? And that goes for the lot of em!

Tuesday 27 November 2012

Cass Elliot: Conspiracy Theory

Mama Sandwich & Ham Elliot
One can confirm that Cass Elliot of the Mamas and Papas, that musical ensemble from 1960's California did not choke to death on a Ham Sandwich. No Sir by Jimeny she did not!

Common Legend has it that she did. This rumour started after the Old Bill had raided her abode after she hadn't answered the phone for a few days. As they barged in they found her on the carpet with a half eaten ham sandwich lying next to her body.

Monday 26 November 2012

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Before and After

Television Detritus
It appears that being old and getting older is not only undesireable but is also unfashionable! Nonsense!

Numerous actors and that sort of detritus, like this nancy-boy on the right here, that appear on the telly, have taken to visiting the butcher and hacking large chunks of themselves off of their fatuous faces to try to make it look as though they are of a younger age. Codswallop! That's what I say. Codswallop! 

What's the matter with these people? Are they insecure? Frightened of getting old? Scared of dying? Worried that people won't look at them any longer? Well people are looking at this lot alright and for all the wrong reasons.

It's discrimination that's what it is! Downright ageism. In looking younger they think they are younger! Well they're not! They are just more stupid and out of touch with reality.

Just look at Melanie Griffiths for example. She seems to think that having her jaw permanently fixed further forward than her nose is attractive! No it isn't! It makes her resemble a damn fool

Lock Jaw

While this man known as carrot-top thinks that attaching electric wires to his wedding-tackle will improve his act. Err he may be right on that one though....
Electric Wires to wedding-tackle

While Micheal Jackson didn't even bother getting any surgery done he just hired an imposter to take his place and not a very good one at that!
Hire and Imposter?

While this complete shower, Gary Busey, has gone for the Startled-Rabbit-Caught-in-Car-Headlights look.
Should have electric wires attached to wedding-tackle

There's nothing wrong with getting old, looking old and being old. If this shower of people and many more of em besides, want to alter their appearance then it's not facelifts they need,  its a bullet through the head. That's the only sort of lanugage they understand.