Showing posts with label World. Show all posts
Showing posts with label World. Show all posts

Thursday 15 May 2014

What To Do If Your Plane is Hijacked?

Stewardess
Hijackings! Yes Hijackings, they seem to be everywhere these days and you never know when you may find yourself caught in one as you are on your way to your winter retreat or a ski resort.

By their very nature they tend to be tricky situations and at first glance may seem hopeless. However, I've come up with this marvellous four-step programme in order to deal with such a predicament and thus minimise the effect it could have on your winter break.

Sunday 6 April 2014

How to Construct a Climate Change Simulator

Planet Earth

As usual there seems to be an awful lot of hullabaloo about climate change. One focal point of concern is the models used to attempt to simulate climate change and its effects across Chalfont-Saint-Peter, Berkshire, Weston-Super-Mare and other parts of the planet.

Typically the methods used involve very large computers collecting data from all over the place like Teddington Lock, Runnymede, Watford Gap Service Station and other places of importance.

Sunday 16 March 2014

Malaysian Airplane MH370 Disappearance: Not a Conspiracy

MH370 Not landing at Disused Airfield in Luzon
I'm just writing to quell the rumours and conspiracy theory that I had anything to do with that Malaysian Flying Machine MH370, that was Hijacked and then diverted to a remote airfield in the Phillipine Island of Luzon, err.. nor indeed anywhere...

Tuesday 4 March 2014

Second Giraffe to Have a "J.F.K." in Denmark

Giraffe Strikes Back

Can't believe this! Not content with putting a bullet through the head of one giraffe in Copenhagen Zoo another Danish Zoo, this time, one called Jyllands Park Zoo, in Western Denmark is also going to do the same with of one of it's giraffes also called Marius. This constitutes giraffocide?

I don't know about you but if I was a giraffe called Marius living in Denmark I would pack my bags and leave pronto! So what is going on? Well the reason they want to give this second giraffe the "J.F.K." is the same as the first: EU regulations. 

Wednesday 12 February 2014

Selfies: A Modern Disgrace!

Needs to be alone.
Just heard about the craze that is going up and down the nation, every nation, about 'Selfies' I heard that even President Barak Obama and Prime Minister David Cameron were seen giving themselves selfies at the commemoration of the death of Admiral Nelson Mandela

I don't know about you but I find this to be absolutely disgusting! If people want to give themselves a selfie then the least they can do is do it in private under the bed or in the study. Really I think it's an absolute disgrace! What is even worse is that people apparently take photographs of themselves whilst they are doing it! This is an abomination!

Tuesday 14 January 2014

Horse Racing Tips

Gastro-Urinary Complaint
One dabbles on the GG's every now and again so I thought it only right to start giving tips to those who want to partake in the horses too. 

So here are my tips for this week including the meeting, time, horse and odds and owner.

Carlisle:
12:40 'Gastro-Urinary Complaint'.......33/1
13:10 'Three Mile Island'....................44/1
13:45 'Bloating Haemorrhoid'................2:1

Sunday 8 December 2013

Global Warming...? Global Farting!

Vanessa Feltz
Just been reading up on a theory about dinosaurs and global warming. Apparently the blighters gassed themselves all to death by billowing out billions of tons of methane.

The scientists based their theory on the methane producing capacity your common or garden cow.

Thursday 5 December 2013

Admiral Nelson Mandela: An Obituary

 Admiral Nelson Mandela
One is sad to announce the death of one of the greatest leaders of the modern age.
 

Earlier today the global statesman Admiral Half-Nelson Mandela died peacefully at his home near the coast, as he did like to be beside the seaside, beside the sea.

After defeating P.W. Bonaparte at the battle of Trafalgar Square in 1815 over the hated Poll Tax by getting him in a one-armed head lock, (the Half-Nelson), Nelson went and hid in a place called Robben Island to get some rest and relaxation for the next 185 years until 1990 or something like that.


Wednesday 9 October 2013

Real Cause of Climate Change: The Truth.

Bloody Weather
Just been reading on wikipedia and also BBC Radio 4 about the causes of climate change. The Radio programme had both sides of the argument making pertinent points and giving credible evidence to promote their ideas. 

On the one hand the pro-climate change lobby showed that the current change in global temperatures is due to mankind, which incidently is predominately people of the working classes so it is their fault.

Wednesday 25 September 2013

European Union: Membership Conditions

Order to the Galaxy Europe
One doesn't often delve into the world of politics as there is simply more money to be made selling weapons.  Nevertheless one likes to think that one is open-minded enough to not entirely discount political issues as piles of tish.

The European Union, for instance. Should we be in or out? Well in the current state of this bastion for all things homogenised and rendered virtually irrelevant as a result of decisions made by committees, one is inclinded to say out.

Sunday 15 September 2013

Proud to be British

Pride in Britain
Oh the blasted Press are at it again. Not content with having absolutely bugger all to write about since getting a lashing from Lord Leveson's Public Enquiry they are doing their usual fall back position and bringing up the war again under the mistaken belief that we won it!

Well let me tell you something, we didn't win that war! We damn well got thrashed! Everybody thinks we won it but, by Jove's jockstrap we had our sorry arses hauled from one end the world to the other.
The cover story that we beat Herr Hitler and his National Socialist nincompoops was all very well and everyone swallowed it up wholeheartedly.

Friday 13 September 2013

Conflict in Syria: No Chemicals Used

Anniston: using Ware-Armitage cleaning products
Having sold weapons to both sides in the current conflict in Syria from day one of this civil war I  can safely say that no chemical weapons have been

Monday 2 September 2013

Admiral Nelson Mandela: Discharge

Discharge
Just heard on the wireless that Admiral Nelson Mandela has been sent home following his discharge from hospital. 

This is disgusting! I don't know about you but whenever I discharge anything I want to throw it away and be done with. Blow my nose, wipe my huge, hairy, malodorous backside, vomit and stuff from other parts of the body

Friday 16 August 2013

Anti-LGBT laws in Russia

LGBT acts banned from Restaurants
Having been force-fed LGBT matters down one's throat over the last 20 years one feels that one should bally-well write something about it.  One is in favour of equality and all that sort of thing but recent events in Russia have caused uproar around the world.

Personally, one thinks that the Russians are taking this matter all the wrong way and that their legislature and President Mr Vladimir Putin have a lot to answer for!

For example, it is now illegal for people under the age of 18 years to see material concerning LGBT issues. Furthermore, it is an offence for anyone under 21 to partake in LGBT acts! The country has gone back to the Stalin era! It's a disgrace

I mean  why youngsters should be prevented from this sort of activity in the school dining room is completely beyond me? Also they are prevented from reading and partaking in this sort of thing in public restaurants too! What kind of a society do they have there? 

Wednesday 14 August 2013

Cyber-Bullying

Seems to me that the latest hullabaloo the press have got their claws into is cyber-bullying!

Well despite the press being a motley collection of arses they appear to have got something right for a change.

Cyber-bullying is a modern phenomenon whereby a youngster connects to a social web site of some description and converses with complete strangers. The strangers, after offering endless platitudes to their victim, then start to hurl abusive comments and suggestions to their victim that they should consider ending their own lives. 

This is pitiful! Just what in God's name is wrong with these people?  They are an absolute shower. One can scarcely contain one's disgust at this outrage! I have only one thing to say to these people! Bloody well stand up for yourselves!

If you are going to end it all just because some bufoon calls you an oik then you might as well go and hang yourself!! The damn lot of you. You're probably ugly as well and your mummy shits in plastic supermarket bags. If you people weren't so damn obese you would be able to get out of the blasted bedroom and go out and do a bit of exercise instead of lounging around on your great arses wallowing in your own blubber.

As I see it the best way to put an end to cyber bullying is for you weaklings to go outside, find a nice quiet spot in a forest and then put a bullet through you head. Hell is waiting for you you ugly, B.O. ridden, incontinent, bedragglehorn. If you're too much of a coward to do it yourself then send me your details and I'll send the boys round to ....

THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN TERMINATED BY THE BLOGGER.COM BOARD OF TASTES AND DECENCY. WE DO HOPE THAT WE HAVEN'T SPOILED YOUR ENJOYMENT TOO MUCH.



Wednesday 24 July 2013

Ivory Coast Prison Solutions

Prison Barge
Just been reading about a ghastly little prison riot in the town of Abidjan on the Ivory Coast. The prison houses some of the Ivory Coast's most lethal little shits the country has every produced.

Their notoriety was compounded and exacerbated by the civil war there are few years ago in 2011 in which only two or three British people had to leave their premises for the United Kingdom. Thousands of local people were also killed. 

So the prison is home to many of those accused of war crimes, indeed former President Gbagbo Baggins and his wife were even there at one point before being carted off to the Hague in Holland for crimes against Huge Manatees. Strange, I thought Manatees lived in the New World! So anyway the riots are being conducted by inmates and some of them have been killed.

Well it's just not good enough!! You need to show this complete shower of individuals who is in charge by taking charge! You can't ask em politely to pull themselves together and snap out of it! These people are sick.

So my remedy is quite simple. First thing close the prison down. Then move all the inmates, pronto, to a new facility. This can easily be done sharpish by putting them all on a prison ship there are many of them available, for instance I saw one in a documentary on the telly the other day. It was very large, had lots of space, could even fly and it was called Battlestar Galactica. Once on board, give the prisoners some decent nosh and something to do and that'll soon have em quietening down. 

Then, when the ship is full with this detritus criminal scum you can move on to the next stage. For me this is the most important part but there is the problem of not only how to sink it but also where. Sink it wrongly and you may only capsize the damn thing leaving some of the inmates alive. Then even if you do sink it properly you may sever an oil pipeline or a telegraph cable.

Sunday 21 July 2013

Abu Sakkar: Cannibal and Animal?

Sakkar
Just been reading about a chappie called Abu Sakkar. This man, like so many others is involved in the current ghastly little war in Syria.

This war is one of those civil wars which by their very nature are nasty little blazers that put father against son, neighbour against neighbour, restaurant manager against restaurant manager and generally everybody against everybody else.

Anyway this one in Syria has been ongoing for the last two years or something like that and it is the first full scale civil war that can be watched on youtube, internet and all that sort of thing.

Anyway this Abu Sakkar has proved himself to be a nasty, savage fellow of the lowest possible moral declination because he cut out the heart of one of his foes and then proceeded to eat it! I mean can you imagine that!? It’s a disgrace! What kind of man is that? This is inhuman! I can scarcely contain my abhorrence a moment longer and The Lord alone knows what Miss Jennifer Aniston thinks about this!! She must be horrified!! 

Aniston: Horrified
I mean even when my regiment was involved in the Mau Mau uprising at our lowest ebb we didn’t stoop this low with our captured foes. No Sir by Jimeny we did not!

No what we did was to lightly sauté the heart first in a flavoured butter and serve it in a nice white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic, all washed down with a crisp, clean and if I may say a rather fruity little Jean-Marc Brocard Chablis Vau de Vey 1937.



Friday 5 July 2013

Bird Flu 'H5N1': Conspiracy Theory

Bird Flu
Just been reading about that alleged Bird Flu Virus called H5-N1. Apparently it has passed but a new strain, called H7-N1 is on its way and some boffins are concerned that it is going to bring about the destruction of mankind.

Now some people think that that's a bad thing, others may quite like the idea, I don't know. So don't bally-well come to me asking for an answer on that one. Anyway, one decided to familiarise oneself with current goings on about the subject and looked at a documentary about the thing last night with a bottle of shabbers to accompany one whilst inwardly digesting the arguments. By the time the documentary was over one was able to conclude that the whole thing is a load of tosh.

H5 N1
I mean this H5-N1 isn't even a virus. It's a silly little, dustbin shaped robot that goes 'beep boop waaa waaah' every now and then. How can it possibly bring about the destruction of mankind? Even it's friend, another silly nancy-boy of a Robot called C3-P0 is completely incapable of doing anything remotely destructive.

This is one of the worst conspiracy theories I have ever encountered. I could have shat a better theory than this and with my eyes closed too.


Sunday 23 June 2013

Silvio Berlusconi:

Berlusconi
Just been reading about Silvio Berlusconi, the former Prime Minister of Italy.

This time round he failed to make it as Prime Minister, thus making himself vulnerable to arrest and imprisonment, despite being convicted of numerous crimes.

At present he has twenty pending cases against him all of which carry custodial sentances. 

To date, this is what some of the  things this fellow has been up to;


Sunday 2 June 2013

Unfair Trade Produce

Extortion
Thought I would do a bit of a good deed this morning so I went and chose to buy some Fair Trade coffee and tea from one of those ghastly prole-holes called ‘A Supermarket’

Got home and looked at the receipt just to make sure it all totted up nicely, you know how it is, 'look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.'

Anyway, when comparing  The Fair Trade good's prices with the normal prices for the equivalent product one noticed that the Fair Trade goods were approximately double what I