Memorial Post

145 Knicker

Are you gullible, unable to think for yourself, follow the crowd and do whatever it takes to keep up with the Jones’?

If that's you then why not spend 145 knicker on some totally tasteless tat like this bronzed (note bronzed not bronze) figurine dedicated to a war that nobody living today fought in?

Yes you can assuage all  the guilt that your authorities have piled upon you for decades by purchasing this piece of dross dressed as a memorial to all those who died needlessly in a war that had very little to do with them.

How to Combat Post Referendum Bitterness

Referendum

Ware-Armitage here. Yes the EU referendum is over and done with now and the result was a win for those who want Britain to go it's own way in the world.

I, personally, voted to stay in the EU because that way less people would have the chance to become richer than me and there is nothing worse in this world than someone with more money than one. These people make me want to throw up all over the floor.

Anyway, a lot of the good peasants of this land are naturally a trifle unhappy with the result and are in a state of disappointment, confusion, worry and incontinence. So I have come up with a tip-top piece of advice that will help anybody overcome post EU-referendum blues

Billion Dollar Business Proposition

Scum

Ware-Armitage here. You know recently I've been musing about how clever I am and therefore by default how err... disappointing others are. I'm not really one for labelling people and all that sort of thing but I know full well that if I did refer to people as stupid then I'd end up in trouble with the blogging legal team or all that sort of scum.

Anyway, because of my vast cleverness I recently came across a marvellous idea that is the going to make me one of those internet billionaires. Yes that's right an internet billionaire! No namby-pamby wishy-washy millionaire no Sir! Not that poor lot! With their solitary million that won't even buy a cardboard box in some parts of London these days I tell you. Not only that but the idea is so simple it is going to change the world!

Ware-Armitage -v- The Borough of Slough

Traffic Warden

Slough, yes Slough this town has had it in for me for years don cha know! It all started 21st October 1975 when I parked my car for a few minutes to get myself a potato masher from the local Do-It-Yourself hardware shop on Dingwall Street. 

When I came out, with a rather dubious potato masher I hasten to add, a sodding Yellow Crested Parking Eagle had issued me with a parking ticket on behalf of the local borough council! I wasn't going to have that!! So I ran up to this animal and explained to it that the parking was an emergency and the potato masher was for Timmy, a small child who was confined to living in an isolation bubble, had not had a hug in three years and his previous potato masher had died after it had escaped into the polluted atmosphere of the Slough environs. That one nearly always wins but the bleedin Traffic Warden accused me of lying! Moir!? A liar!? Bloody disgrace! Well, admittedly it was a lie but that's not the point is it?! She said I was a liar!

Quantitative Easing: An Explanation

Quantitative Easing

Quantitative Easing, yes that's right Quantitative Easing, just what the blazes is it? I frequently have disappointing people approaching me in the street asking me such questions. You may recall an earlier post in which I described one such disappointment asking me in his dialect "Oi you fahckin cahnt why don chew fahck orff!!' Unfortunately I didn't have a translator handy so his question was lost to the wind. But I digress!
So what is Quantitative Easing I hear you say. I don't know about you but I have trouble spelling the blasted thing let alone having to explain it. Nevertheless, after much personal research I have managed to get to grips with it and will now attempt to explain it through analogy. 




If you wish to replicate my explanation yourself at home with your family you will need the following;

An Economy
This is best represented through the use of a person. Economies are rather organic in their nature and not very scientific at all despite what economists tell you so a person fits the bill perfectly. I used five of these 'people.'

A Bank
Yes quantitative easing is all about those friendly, fascist, rip-orff, shitbags posing as nice institutions who look after your money so it is imperative to have them represented in this simulation. Again banks are just like people in that once they get hold of money they will fight to the death to keep hold of it no matter who they take down with em. For this simulation I suggest using a barman.

Money
Yes money. Money has been described as, "The perfect liquid asset" and with this in mind I think a liquid makes good sense too. For this analogy I lined up several dozen few bottles of gin.

The Bank of England
Obviously at the top of the pile this is the major player and it is imperative to get this in somewhere otherwise your simulation will be open to ridicule and we don't want any of that sort of thing do we. For this simulation I used a distillery
Right so simply place your barman behind a bar at a discreet distance, may be cleaning the glasses, you know the sort of thing and get your 'economy' to inflow the first 'money.' The 'Economy' is very pleased with this and therefore they all offer the 'bank' some of the 'money' as a sign of their contentment. Obviously not much happens here and in this case that reflects a perfectly healthy economic situation. The barman is happy polishing the glasses and enjoying a little drinkie and the 'economy' is happy has it has received an 'inflow.' Marvellous.

This inflow process carries on until both the 'Economy' (the people) and the 'bank' (the barman) are absolutely plastered out of their heads and I'm talking really gone here. No light tipsiness or feeling a little woozy, no sir! I really mean it! Soused, blotto, planked, totally and utterly newscasted.

Bank of England 

This situation represents the current economic crisis with both the 'economy' AND 'the bank' of no value at all to anyone. This is where 'the bank of england' (the distillery) steps in to quantitatively easy the situation to bring about a more healthy economy. You see what happens is that with both the 'economy' AND the 'bank' totally incapacitated, the owners of the distillery start shitting themselves as nobody has the ability to get their wallets out of their pockets due to their plasterediness nor even stand up straight. With nobody drinking their gin they will go bust, will have to sell their homes, move in to a council house thus leading to unhappiness which leads to depression and we all know what that leads to. Yes that's right global thermonuclear war and we don't want that do we?!

So this is where the quantitative easing comes in. The distillery (not wanting to end up in council run accomodation) starts distilling, or printin, more and more of its 'money' and simply hands it over to the barman to distribute to the 'economy' The idea being that with lots of free and cheap 'money' floating around everybody will eventually get bored of drinking it, start sobering up thus will be able to put their hands in their wallets and start eventually paying for the booze thus stimulating the 'economy' again and everything will be great.

What actually happens though is that with all that free 'money' flowing in to the pub the barman (bank) simply starts drinking the lot for himself and his chums and starts using it to pay for vast swathes of land and property across the globe for his own selfish bleeding greed and gluttony leaving the 'economy' completely starved of any 'money' at all.

The moral of this analogy? If you want to rob a bank just go and bloody work for one.

What to do if a Celebrity Walks in to Your Pub?

Not Mrs Cumberbatch's Husband

Last week I was boozing it up at Madame Pompidu's was having a pimms at my local pub. I'd had no choice really as I had popped in to the place to use the toilet but some arse was already in it so I had to pretend that I was there for a drink. Anyway, there was I looking quite resplendent at the bar when all of a sudden a celebrity walked in! I will refrain from divulging the name of this particular celebrity out of respect for the privacy of his wife, Mrs Cumberbatch.

Moustache Breakdown: Ryan Pike

Superstructure

Moustaches, yes that's moustaches! Once the purview of the masses in the Western world it signified the end of childhood for a young man and the start of a career as canon fodder for the Great Imperial British military.

I tell you now that of all the myriad examples of Great British military incompetence and catastrophe at the very least all the men went down with a decent moustache across their face. No namby-pamby wishy-washy crippity-crappy clean shaven nonsense here I can tell you. No Sir by Jimeny No! 

I Did it My Way

Frank Sinatra

You know I've been ruminating recently about how amazing I am and how incredible my life is. I started with nothing don cha know and have made to where I am today with a bit of luck, some very good investing, hard work, skill and judgement.

If I can do it then anybody can! People need to get up orff their arses and just go for it. There is nothing stopping anyone these days and there is no point whining about it. Nobody just becomes successful by sitting on their huge, horrible, hairy, malodorous backside and expecting everything to just fall in to their lap! No Sir by Jimeny it simply doesn't work that way!

Toilet Paper Puzzler

Intellect

Take a look at this photo, I think anyone with a modicum of intellect will know what is going on here. 

Yes that's right are you an 'A' or a 'B'? Many people become very worked up over this matter so I thought it would be an excellent thing to clear it all up once and for all before rational human beings start killing each other.

Single or Double Vented Blazer? The Options

Downward Blast 

Right then so vents on blazers! That's right vents on blazers, is it a hullabaloo or something important? Well obviously it's important else I wouldn't be writing about it. The question is why is it important? Should a person don a double, single or no vented blazer? There's just so much to choose from. Ultimately it all comes down to personal choice as there are pros and cons for each variant. Well with this quick handy blog post I hope to answer those questions and may be a few more. First up the no-vent.

How to Cancel a Romantic Date

Stabbings

Going on a date is always very exiting, you just never know how much money will turn out to be in the other person's bank account. If you're really lucky you may actually like them too. However, occasionally it may be necessary to cancel the date at the last minute and that is never a good thing leading to resentment, bitterness, reprisals, vendettas and all too frequently, stabbings. 

UK Party Leaders: Their Last Drink?

Member of the Electorate

Right then! So over the course of the last five weeks me and my 'squad' have endeavoured to establish just what the five UK party leaders' last drink would be if they had to face a firing squad first thing in the morning.

Now, I didn't enjoy doing this very much but I felt that there was a need to actually get right to the bottom of things about what makes em really tick. Because they are all politicos a simple direct question such as 'What makes you tick?' would be simply batted away under a load of old waffle! 

So, me and the 'squad' diligently set about kidnapping each and every one of em, putting em against a wall and going through the motions of a mock execution and recording what they all wanted to sup before a few final words and all that sort of thing. Once they'd had their drink and said all their gubbins we let em go and escorted them back to their hotels or wherever they had been without any harm coming to em at all.

UK Political Leaders: What you really need to know.

Thrust, Sound, Mass, Volume Odour, Directional Ability and Storage

Right then! There is a general election coming here in what remains of the United Kingdom and naturally people have been approaching me in the street and asking me for my slant on the National party leaders.

How to Derail an Armed E.U. Power Grab in Your Local Community Library

Ferrero Rocher

Right so the European Union loves taking control of things. They just can't help themselves don cha know!

Typically, they like taking control of things that don't belong to them, especially successful things. The more successful the thing is the more they love taking control of it. Now that's all very well and good but what gets me is that once they've taken control of the successful thing they immediately cock the thing up and give it away to people. They are obviously completely loopy! 

How to Reduce Unemployment.

Posterior

Right so unemployment is high again and all the politicos are desperately hunting for ways to bring the figures down. Well why don't they get their act together and ask me what I would do?

Yes that's right 'ask me what I would do.' Many a young turk thinks that I am some sort of clot who barely knows how lavatory paper is applied correctly. Well while that may be the case I am also in the fortunate position of having enough money to pay somebody to apply it to my rather magnificent posterior on my behalf. Now who's laughing?

How to Defend Yourself Against a Street Urchin

Martial Arts

Right so I was minding my own business walking along the high street the other day when I was apprehended by a man asking for directions to the nearest McDonalds public toilet facility that these days has a restaurant selling hot food attached to them. 

It was very clear to me, right from the moment he approached me that he was going to try to take my wallet away from me and thus my fiver named Colin, serial number KJ89 479000. How did I know this? Well the first clue was that he had a hood over his head thus concealing his face. Why would anybody want to conceal their face unless they were trying to avoid recognition or were demented. 

April Showers Back Up Plan

Baked Beans

Right then, it's that time of year again, April! Yes April that time of year here in Great Britain where one minute it's sunny and the next minute it is throwing it down with rain, hail, snow sometimes and wind.

This happens every year and it is not the best time to make arrangements for things outside such as a gala function, a regatta, cricket match or some kind of social function in a country pub car park, if you know what I mean. Whatever you arrange there will be a 50 percent chance that it will rain and you will have to cancel or postpone your arrangement. 

So imagine you have arranged a day out but you find yourself having to cancel at the last moment, what do you do? Well I've devised a tip-top emergency plan to keep yourself entertained in just such an instance. You will need the following:-

The Mystery of Stonehenge Solved!

The Builders

Yes Stonehenge, that's right Stonehenge. This quite amazing neolithic feature of the British countryside was started in in the year 2600 BC and finished in or about the morning of the 3rd May 2000 BC. I don't know about you but they must have had some pretty dicky builders doing that one! Mind you 600 years to complete that is nothing when you consider that the Parthenon is Athens still hasn't been finished, rotters!

According to Google Stonehenge is currently owned by that fat tub of lard Edward Seymour the 1st Duke of Somerset which is laughable because the twit was executed in 1552. What is even more laughable is that fact that google then provide a telephone number for him so if anyone wants to get back to me and tell me if he's in I'd love to know, here is that number 0870 333 1181. 

Police: Syria Girls Negligence

Do you want my number!

One of the fathers of the three silly little school girls who ran away to Syria has rounded on the police for not doing their job properly.

The father of Amira Abase stated that his daughter was a good daughter and it wasn't her shitting fault she thought it would be a GOOD idea to go the Islamic State controlled area where gays are defenestrated, foreigners beheaded, ancient artefacts destroyed and killing those with whom you have a differing opinion is acceptable.

When asked who he thought was responsible for his daughter's actions his response was unequivocal, 'It's the police,' he said, if they had been monitoring HIS daughter she may well still have been with him and instead someone else's silly daughter's father would be sitting where he was blaming the police instead.

World Book Day

Right then! Today is World Book Day which I think is absolutely marvellous don cha know!

World Book Day started in Spain in 1923 by a load of booksellers who wanted to mark the anniversary of the death of Migueal di Cervantes on the 23rd April, who was shot in the head from a book suppository by a man called Lee Herve Osvaldo.

Actually at that time it wasn't called World Book Day as it was only commemorated by people in Spain so I suspect they called it something like Spanish Book Day you get the general idea.

In Britain the day is celebrated on the 5th March as the 23rd April happens during school holidays and no teacher in their right mind is going to celebrate it when they could be in the pub. Personally I think it was moved to this day in Britain for reasons of pig-headedness but I can't prove that.