Ladies: How to Tell if Your Man Truly Loves You.

Gasometer and George

Right then, ladies. How can you tell if your man is truly in love with you? This is an age-old question, one that has been mystifying women since the time of Adam. Indeed it has been mystifying menfolk too but only since the day they marry. 

Black Friday Spreads to UK

Black Friday Victim

Just been reading about that dreaded sickness called 'Black Friday" arriving in the UK!

The sickness started in the United States of America in 1961 in Philadelphia where people went mad on the day after the Thanksgiving holiday.

The Black Friday sickness is spread by contact with consumer goods. Most particularly virulent is with consumer electronic goods but can just as easily be spread through white goods, fashion items and cheese sandwiches.

Latest Eurozone Forecast Results

 Growth Forecast 

Results just released this morning show disappointing results from both France and Germany over the third quarter. Both countries have been affected by the economic slow down that has brought havoc across the Eurozone. 

In total Germany has seen only a 0.1% rise in news stories worthy of talking about which, in practical terms means a total of 10,352 news stories across the media in the third quarter. Meanwhile in France news stories have done better than expected at 0.3% for the same period equating to nearly 17,645 different news stories.

How to Obtain Clean Cutlery at a Restaurant?

Dirty Fork

Etiquette is becoming more and more important these days as more and more illegal immigrants enter the country. As this facet of modern life encroaches deeper into our daily lives standards start to slip, leading to carelessness, carelessness leads to apathy and as we all know apathy leads to global conflict. 

This is why I feel it is important to make a stance and ensure that the important things in life are maintained at all costs. Take, for instance, cutlery. Clearly, clean cutlery is essential to maintain high morale else anarchy ensues and all that sort of thing.

Women only Carriages on the Metro?

Right then! I've had to endure the loonacy of listening to the radio and people blabbing on about the most ridiculous notion. It all centres around the idea of women-only-carriages on underground train stations. 

The idea has been proposed by an MP (who else could invent such a thing) called Claire Perry who is also a transport minister. The idea behind it is due to the ever increasing abuse that women suffer at the hand of arses to cowardly to start on someone their own size.

Ridiculous Smoking Ban in Public Parks!

Banned!

Right then! Do you see this photograph? do you? Do you see anything wrong with it? Do you see a war crime being committed? 

No! Well neither do I but what's happing in this photograph will soon become an historic anachronism if a bunch of, loons stalking the corridors of power have their way! 

What Lord Ara Kharzi of the London Health Commission is trying to do is to ban smoking outdoors in public parks, beaches, outdoor swimming pools, outdoor sex parties and zebra crossings all over Greater London area in order to make everybody healthier. It's a disgrace!

Solution to one of Middle East Matters

250 yards south of Ashford Bypass

Right then, there's an ongoing conflict in The Levant don cha know between Israelites and Palestinians  that doesn't appear to have any light at the end of its tunnel. Apparently this conflict has been going on for the last twenty billion years and with the exception of the bloodthirsty media, people want it brought to an end. 

Kafka: A Critique

Pointless Pointlessism...

Right then! I was given a book a while ago, for which I was very grateful for as it gave me something to put my tea on to stop the table getting a circular stain. Very useful don cha know. 

Nevertheless, for some reason this book had managed to work its way in to my head since it was given to me and I thought I would give it a whirl and stop using it as a tea/matt. The trouble then was what to do with it. I mean you can't have books lying around whilst the table tops are unprotected so I bought some proper coasters for the table.

Organic Food

Right then, there seems to be a terrible hullabaloo these days about organic foods. Apparently a lot of
modern foodstuffs are industrially produced over-salted, over-sweetened petrochemicals that, whilst taste quite delicious, are in fact no more nutritious than a cold shower

This all means that what we eat is slowly killing large percentages of the population which is generally frown upon. Also manufacturers of these 'foods' are getting away with it, disgraceful, and also making a lot of money in the process, umm..

Actors: A Modern Menace

Jolie Good Show

I was watching a documentary the other day, in fact several documentaries at the cinema no less when it occured to me that not everything in these 'documentaries' were as they seemed.

I first had a suspicion that something was a little fishy when I saw a magnificent documentary many years ago in which a businessman had brought dinosaurs back to life on a remote island in the Pacific Ocean by extracting DNA from mosquitos that had been preserved in amber from tree sap etc. 

Well it's just occured to me what the blazes is going on! Some of these documentaries have actors in them portraying people in real life! That's deception! It's misleading! It's a disgrace! 

Far too many actors are distrubed individuals anyway, some of them are even disturbed,  constantly trying to be the centre of attention, talking about themselves, copulating with as many people as they can get away with, astealing from clothes shops because they feel as though THEY shouldn't have to go through the indignity of having to actually pay for things, urinating in telephone boxes, hitting people, posing in restaurants, snorting drugs, starting up strange religions, joining strange religions and generally showing orff in public. Have they no shame?! (actually this sounds like quite a good night out!) 

Bum Implants

Stands In Front of Walls

By Berlusconi's balls what is the world coming to? Just look at this photograph? This person has had surgical thingybobs implanted into her buttocks to try to enhances her attractiveness. 

I'm sorry but who is she trying to attract with an enhanced arse? There are only two things that I know of that shows any interest in an arse. The first are the hounds, while the second is the minstrel Elton John so what's the point?

One supposes that may be in winter time the lavatory seat gets a trifle chilly so the buttock implants would cushion the more tender parts from the cold, in which case that isn't a bad idea especially if one could attach a battery to each implant and warm it up a tad.

How to deal with Religious People (who have a gun at your head)

Heaven or Piers mOrgan?

Right then, there appears to be an awful lot of hoo-haa going on these days with religious matters and what have you.

One doesn't really partake in this sort of thing as, like art, there are no right or wrong answers, just those with guns and those without!

How do Deal with the Paparazzi.

A Cat

The Paparazzi! Yes that's right the Paparazzi. These individuals make me want to throw up all over the place; floor, ceiling, walls, the cat etc, you name it and I'll throw up all over it.

The Paparazzi have been making a fortune unscrupulously snapping shots of wealthy, famous and glamorous people such as myself and Princess Diana for years by selling their photos to newspapers and magazines. 

What To Do If Your Plane is Hijacked?

Stewardess

Hijackings! Yes Hijackings, they seem to be everywhere these days and you never know when you may find yourself caught in one as you are on your way to your winter retreat or a ski resort.

By their very nature they tend to be tricky situations and at first glance may seem hopeless. However, I've come up with this marvellous four-step programme in order to deal with such a predicament and thus minimise the effect it could have on your winter break.

Men -v- Women: Multi-Tasking

Multi-tasking

Ware-Armitage here, been away for a while due to some 'local business' with copper, pigs and the bills, if you know what I mean... Anyway that's enough of that, let's get on with the blog.

Was reading an article today about men, women and multitasking. Apparently women are far better at multitasking than men according to a study by Doctor Dr Gijsbert Stoet, of the University of Glasgow.

How to Construct a Climate Change Simulator

Planet Earth

As usual there seems to be an awful lot of hullabaloo about climate change. One focal point of concern is the models used to attempt to simulate climate change and its effects across Chalfont-Saint-Peter, Berkshire, Weston-Super-Mare and other parts of the planet.

Typically the methods used involve very large computers collecting data from all over the place like Teddington Lock, Runnymede, Watford Gap Service Station and other places of importance.

Malaysian Airplane MH370 Disappearance: Not a Conspiracy

MH370 Not landing at Disused Airfield in Luzon

I'm just writing to quell the rumours and conspiracy theory that I had anything to do with that Malaysian Flying Machine MH370, that was Hijacked and then diverted to a remote airfield in the Phillipine Island of Luzon, err.. nor indeed anywhere...

Need of a Psychologist?

A Psychologist

One has recently become aware that one's neighbours have been avoiding me and that they, in all probability can't stand the sight of me! Very strange!

One first realised this a fortnight ago when, upon entering the local pub to use the toilets the clientèle immediately exited the establishment. This has actually been happening for the last fifteen years but one has only just put two and two together.

Second Giraffe to Have a "J.F.K." in Denmark

Giraffe Strikes Back

Can't believe this! Not content with putting a bullet through the head of one giraffe in Copenhagen Zoo another Danish Zoo, this time, one called Jyllands Park Zoo, in Western Denmark is also going to do the same with of one of it's giraffes also called Marius. This constitutes giraffocide?

I don't know about you but if I was a giraffe called Marius living in Denmark I would pack my bags and leave pronto! So what is going on? Well the reason they want to give this second giraffe the "J.F.K." is the same as the first: EU regulations. 

The Scandal of Homelessness and Empty Houses.

Empty Slum Property

Just been reading some statistics in the newspapers about the shame of social housing in this country. 

The statistics are shocking and I had to get my butler to explain them to me. However, in essence there are over nearly 1,000,000 empty homes in this country but at the same time approximately 1,770,116 households awaiting a place to live! It's a disgrace!

How to Help A Man in Quicksand.

Speaks English

Quicksand! Yes quicksand its everywhere and you never know when you may find yourself caught in it or indeed stumble across a fellow up to his waist in it and unable to get out without assistance.

So I've come up with this marvellous strategy to follow in order to deal with a chap, any chap, who finds themselves sinking and needs help.

So imagine you turn a corner off your local high street and right before you is a man quickly sinking in quicksand and is calling for help. Let's imagine he has a name, err... off the top of my head let's call him Piers mOrgan. What's the first thing to do?

Danish Giraffe Murder & EU Hypocrisy

EU Giraffe

I'm writing to express my monstrous disgust at the way in which a giraffe called Marius was treated at Copenhagen Zoological park in Denmark recently.

Apparently the animal had to be murdered in cold blood as it was contravening EU regulations on interbreeding. 

Selfies: A Modern Disgrace!

Needs to be alone.

Just heard about the craze that is going up and down the nation, every nation, about 'Selfies' I heard that even President Barak Obama and Prime Minister David Cameron were seen giving themselves selfies at the commemoration of the death of Admiral Nelson Mandela

I don't know about you but I find this to be absolutely disgusting! If people want to give themselves a selfie then the least they can do is do it in private under the bed or in the study. Really I think it's an absolute disgrace! What is even worse is that people apparently take photographs of themselves whilst they are doing it! This is an abomination!

E=mc²: An Explanation for the Layman.

E=g&t²

In reality life is very simple but due to modern educational theories people perceive their lives to be more and more complex. That's the trouble with socialism if you ask me; too many questions and not enough thrashings. But that's beside the point.

Anyway, this morning some bodkin approached me upon the high street and bet me five bob that I would be unable to explain Einstein's famous equation E=mc². Always up for a challenge I proceeded to the nearest bar to work this one out. So here it all is. 

One Direction ...

Pan

Just been reading about a band called One Direction. They are all about eight years old and dressed as if they were Nancy Sinatra. This isn't a band at all this is paedophile fodder!

I've spoken about this sort of thing before with as equally a dreadful little boy called Justin Briber, it's disgusting!

Youngters like this shouldn't be poncing around on a stage exposing themselves to gangs of paedophiles they should be in school learning to use the slide-rule or studying trigonometry,

Horse Racing Tips

Gastro-Urinary Complaint

One dabbles on the GG's every now and again so I thought it only right to start giving tips to those who want to partake in the horses too. 

So here are my tips for this week including the meeting, time, horse and odds and owner.

Carlisle:

12:40 'Gastro-Urinary Complaint'.......33/1

13:10 'Three Mile Island'....................44/1

13:45 'Bloating Haemorrhoid'................2:1

S.P.W.A. Blog: Top 10 Reviews of 2013

Year In Review

Dear readers,

over the last year my ghost writers have been busily writing my blog to tell everyone what everything in the world is really all about and to put things right here and there. 

Over the course of 2013 I received many requests from people begging me to stop this blog and to go and hang myself. I have ignored these requests as I can only assume that the grammar was not up to scratch so on occasion a ghost writer has done the decent thing and finished himself off.

Australian Predators: Nation of Innovators

Two Victims swim for their lives

One has just been reading about those clever chappies in Australia who have come up with a tip-top idea to prevent attacks by great white marine predators.

The innovative fellows there have gone round and tagged 250 of the more massive of these horrifying creatures with an electrical device that can transmit the position of these hideous man-eaters to a monitoring centre.