Baumgartner

Take a Running Jump!

Just been reading abouut Felix Baumgartner. This chap came to global notoriety as the first chappie to skydive from a one-chap podule 36km up in the high reaches of earth’s atmosphere. He broke several records including the first chap to go at supersonic speed unassisted by any jiggery-pokery or what have you.

Well anyway the bleeder has just been fined £1500 for hitting a Greek lorry driver in a foreign country.

What sort of person does that sort of thing? Just because he’s broken the sound barrier doesn’t mean he can go round hitting people, no sir by Jimeny it does not!

It’s a disgrace! Time and time again we see people becoming famous and as a consequence they go around breaking social norms and flouting conventions of society like passing water on small children, vomiting on policemen and all that sort of thing.

Everybody knows that hitting people is dangerous, if you're not careful you can break the bones in your wrist! What Baumgartner should have done was thrash the man. Preferably with a horse-whip. It’s much safer as the impact isn't absorbed by your own personage.

I mean if Baumgartner isn't able to do something as simple as this the fool can go and take a running jump! 

Auguste Renoir: Le déjeuner des canotiers

Auguste Renoir: Le Déjeuner des Canotiers

August Renoir's Le déjeuner des canotiers or in it’s proper form ’The Luncheon of the Boating Party’ is one of his finest impressionist style paintings

Renoir like other impressionist painters of that period substituted form in favour of colour and light to render depictions of nature or society functions. Previously, art had been studio based with artificial light being depicted but the impressionists forwent this traditional enclosed style to express themselves wholly in terms of natural colour, feeling and cat food.

There are Some Really Clever Bastards

What's this Crap?!

Just been reading about some boffins at a technology company called HzO who are developing a substance that will waterproof mobile telephones.

Apparently experiments are going all tickety-boo with the current depth of water being one metre and the phone still remains in working order

So naturally all the boffins, tech wizards, geeks and clever little bastards that work there are delighted and patting themselves on the back.

Well let me tell you something! The only pat on the back these people deserve is one emanating from a cow. OK so the blasted phone works to a depth of one metre does it? Well no it doesn't! If one is one metre under water how the devil is one supposed to speak? or listen for that matter? All anyone would here is the blub blub blubbing of air exiting from one’s mouth.

This company is full of cretins! No wonder the country is going to the dogs. This has got to be one of the most stupidest ideas I've ever seen in my life! And what is all the hullabaloo about one metre of water? So what! I know several people that could piss one metre of water!

Monthly Horoscope: Libra

The Ware-Armitage horoscope: Libra

With Saturn entering the venus transitional phase cycle and the sun shining out of Uranus this is a time to do those things that ought to have shown the way for all the same.

A transient cycle between Capricorn and Western-Super-Mare will result in a tired feeling all the rest of the day and possibly for older Librans a large coronary.

It is important that at this one time in the year in order to do the necessary things that will facilitate it.

But take heed to do the right thing here as this will mean the wrong thing is too much about nothing even if none of them will show what way it is impossible to work.

Do this at your leisure or that big homosexual will do that thing that he promised to do over the last six months

Remember that libra is the sign to show that all the others signs are there too in order to demonstrate that it is a time of when there should not be so much.

For further details call the Ware-Armitage hotline at no less than £20.00 per minute.

Lance Armstrong: First Cyclist on the Moon

Apparent Evidence of Armstrong's Moon Landing

Writing to give my ha’penny’s worth about that tour-de-France steroid cheat Lance Armstrong and cycling obsessive.

He first came to prominence in the late 1960’s after being the first man to ride a bicycle on the moon.

After that his life took a turn for the worst as nobody believed he had ever even been in an aeroplane let alone outer space.

He proceeded to claim that he rode his bicycle around the world in eighty days and again nobody believed this.

In order to prove his credentials he contacted Freddie Mercury whereupon, according to him, produced a song with Freddie entitled ’I want to ride my bicycle.’ Regrettably nobody believed this either.

He then advised Norman Tebbit’s Dad to go and look for work on his bike in the early 1980’s. While this was good advice Tebbit Snr had been dead for many a year.

Later in that decade Armstrong claims to have been instrumental in teaching Michael Jackson how to walk on the moon. Alas Jackson refuted any claims from Armstrong regarding this matter stating categorically that he was playing with some children at that time.

Lacking somewhat in credibility Armstrong, pining for the days of gravitational shock waves, G-forces and floating weightless on his Raleigh Roadster decided to take control of his life. Yes he embarked on a course of performance enhancing drugs. The highs from these drugs were so extensive that he was over the moon at least three times a week.

He then cycled around France in the great tour six times winning each time. It was this credibility that finally gave him the self-worth he had been hankering for since his alleged moon landing.

Alas the performance enhancing drugs were his undoing as they were forbidden under normal gravitational conditions and his friend ’Buzz’ Aldrin, grassed him up to The Police whom Armstrong claims stole the lyrics to his song entitled ’Walking on the moon.’ This was strongly denied by Sting who’s songs were a load of old codswallop anyway.

Eventually the International Cycling Federation promptly took Armstrong’s titles away from him citing his stupidity as the main reason and his drug use.

Armstrong is currently at home near a small town called Charlton Heston writing his autobiography entitled ’On Yer Bike!’