What to do if a Celebrity Walks in to Your Pub?

Not Mrs Cumberbatch's Husband

Last week I was boozing it up at Madame Pompidu's was having a pimms at my local pub. I'd had no choice really as I had popped in to the place to use the toilet but some arse was already in it so I had to pretend that I was there for a drink. Anyway, there was I looking quite resplendent at the bar when all of a sudden a celebrity walked in! I will refrain from divulging the name of this particular celebrity out of respect for the privacy of his wife, Mrs Cumberbatch.

Moustache Breakdown: Ryan Pike

Superstructure

Moustaches, yes that's moustaches! Once the purview of the masses in the Western world it signified the end of childhood for a young man and the start of a career as canon fodder for the Great Imperial British military.

I tell you now that of all the myriad examples of Great British military incompetence and catastrophe at the very least all the men went down with a decent moustache across their face. No namby-pamby wishy-washy crippity-crappy clean shaven nonsense here I can tell you. No Sir by Jimeny No! 

Which UK Political Leader is the Best in a Punch Up?

Cleggers

Right then, as part of my UK political leaders portfolio I have cut right through the waffle and have sought to come up with the questions that really matter. Between now and election day I'm going to address the important issues that really matter. You may remember that a few days ago I studied Cammers' wind breakage abilities. Today's question is 

Which Political leader would you want on your side in a punch up? 

First up Cleggers, yes Cleggers! Cleggers is in the centre ground so has an unfortunate propensity to understand other people's feelings and emotions. Well that's hardly going to be any good in a pub brawl now is it? Speaking five languages holds an excellent advantage over adversaries in a Euro-brawl as he will be able to tune in to their communications and pre-empt any out-flanking moves shouted across a pub or bar. Ultimately his use would be good as intelligence gathering but in a straight jab to the face his value is pretty low. I'd give him 5 out of 10 on the Prescott scale.

Ladies: How to Tell if Your Man Truly Loves You.

Gasometer and George

Right then, ladies. How can you tell if your man is truly in love with you? This is an age-old question, one that has been mystifying women since the time of Adam. Indeed it has been mystifying menfolk too but only since the day they marry. 

Kafka: A Critique

Pointless Pointlessism...

Right then! I was given a book a while ago, for which I was very grateful for as it gave me something to put my tea on to stop the table getting a circular stain. Very useful don cha know. 

Nevertheless, for some reason this book had managed to work its way in to my head since it was given to me and I thought I would give it a whirl and stop using it as a tea/matt. The trouble then was what to do with it. I mean you can't have books lying around whilst the table tops are unprotected so I bought some proper coasters for the table.

Bum Implants

Stands In Front of Walls

By Berlusconi's balls what is the world coming to? Just look at this photograph? This person has had surgical thingybobs implanted into her buttocks to try to enhances her attractiveness. 

I'm sorry but who is she trying to attract with an enhanced arse? There are only two things that I know of that shows any interest in an arse. The first are the hounds, while the second is the minstrel Elton John so what's the point?

One supposes that may be in winter time the lavatory seat gets a trifle chilly so the buttock implants would cushion the more tender parts from the cold, in which case that isn't a bad idea especially if one could attach a battery to each implant and warm it up a tad.

E=mc²: An Explanation for the Layman.

E=g&t²

In reality life is very simple but due to modern educational theories people perceive their lives to be more and more complex. That's the trouble with socialism if you ask me; too many questions and not enough thrashings. But that's beside the point.

Anyway, this morning some bodkin approached me upon the high street and bet me five bob that I would be unable to explain Einstein's famous equation E=mc². Always up for a challenge I proceeded to the nearest bar to work this one out. So here it all is. 

Admiral Nelson Mandela: An Obituary

 Admiral Nelson Mandela

One is sad to announce the death of one of the greatest leaders of the modern age.
 
Earlier today the global statesman Admiral Half-Nelson Mandela died peacefully at his home near the coast, as he did like to be beside the seaside, beside the sea.

After defeating P.W. Bonaparte at the battle of Trafalgar Square in 1815 over the hated Poll Tax by getting him in a one-armed head lock, (the Half-Nelson), Nelson went and hid in a place called Robben Island to get some rest and relaxation for the next 185 years until 1990 or something like that.

Bell: My New Butler

Bell the Butler

Excellent news. That blasted servants strike may soon be over. 

I thought I'd almost lost it when Courtney passed away last year but odds bodkins the other day I solicited the services of a new man called Bell. (see photograph courtesy of Hanson Leatherby)

Anyway, Bell the butler has proved himself to be of great worth and knows his place. And he doesn't flinch at all, for example, last Sunday I thought I would test him out by getting Great Uncle 'Whoopsie' Ware-Armitage to telephone me. Then I would say 'Is that the phone bell' Ha hahah Geddit? Yes? No? and then 'Is that the door bell' Geddit? Ha ha I've still got the old wit don cha know. He didn't even bat an eyelid when I threatened to defenestrate him for leaving the window open.

S.P.W.A. & Lord Lucan: Conspiracy Theory

I Was Somewhere Else

Just writing about my good friend that man John Bingham 7th Earl of Lucan or Lord Lucan as he is more popularly known in the lying press.

Lord Lucan or 'Bingy-Boo' as we called him disappeared in November 1974 after the press told everybody he had only he had murdered a servant (allegedly.)

I just want to say here that I was not the one that was with him in that Ford Corsair that drove down to Newhaven. Not that anybody saw two people in a car of that description of course but um... if there were two people in a car of that description then I was not the one in the back seat. 

Stephen Hawking: Arse in Space

Drunkard

One has just been reading about that boffin called Stephen Hawking who has been talking about assisted suicide. 

The man thinks that it is OK to help ill people end their lives if they are going to kick the bucket with no prospect of recovery.

Admiral Nelson Mandela: Discharge

Discharge

Just heard on the wireless that Admiral Nelson Mandela has been sent home following his discharge from hospital. 

This is disgusting! I don't know about you but whenever I discharge anything I want to throw it away and be done with. Blow my nose, wipe my huge, hairy, malodorous backside, vomit and stuff from other parts of the body

Seamus Heaney: An Obituary and Tribute

Rusty Bike

One has just heard about the death of an Irish poet called Seamus Heaney. Poets are very nice and all that sort of thing but poetry is very easy don cha know so I can't see what all the fuss is about.

Anyway, one realises that Seamus Heanous was a very popular poet and influcenced many people with his literary witticisms and ability to make things rhyme. But ultimately this is all a load of overblown fuss, storm in a teacup and all that.
 
Nevertheless, occasions like these warrant some kind of dedication to the man for providing much happiness to people especially his literary agent who made a fortune promoting Seamus' work.

So to that end I thought I would throw my lot in and pen a poetic ditty to the man, to not only encapsulate the essence of his life but to try to evoke the passion and spirit that he conveyed as he

Sasquatch? Bigfoot? Big-shit more like!

Discharge

Just look at this video just take a look at it. It's by a chappie called M.K.Davis from the former colonies. In essence it is an analysis of a piece of footage taken in 1967 by two men called Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin. These two fellows claim that the footage is of a legendary creature that the locals call Bigfoot or Sasquatch.

This creature has large burly muscles, walks around with no clothes on, smells completely foul,  lives in caves or under sticks, walks around in the forests all day and doesn't speak very good English.

According to scientists the creature is purely a legend but one has to say this is not true as one has personally shot and killed

Adele: Not a Fat Cow!

Not Half a Ton

Just been reading about a popular singer called Adele. Aside from the fact that she also has here own brand of personal computers she apparently also has a very good singing voice. Now this is all tickety-boo but the media, as usual, appear to have a problem with her weight.

In fact the blasted media seem to have a problem with everybody's weight. Apparently, one must be the perfect weight because one never finds oneself in the newspapers or silly magazines in reference to this matter. But one digresses.

In an interview with 'Marie Curie' magazine Adele put the entire matter of her size to rest by saying simply  

'I don’t make music for eyes, I make music for ears.'

Trayvon, Zimmerman, Dooley & James. Legal Clarity in the USA

Guess I must have done it!

One likes clarity in all sorts of things, for example whether to shoot animals or not to shoot animals. To eat Beef Wellington or to not Beef Wellington etc. As far as one is concerned clarity extends to the law of the land too but in this country one finds it all double-dutch. 

However, those forever innovative Johnnies in the United States of America and particularly the Southern State of Floride which is named  after a toothpaste ingredient. The Floridians have sought to make their laws tip-top transparent for everyone to see and understand. 

In particular the recent George Zimmerman case saw the man let off despite shooting a Black American teenage boy called Trayvon Martin, whom was unarmed despite Zimmerman, claiming that the boy was. Zimmerman, a chappie of Hispanic origins, although why that would be with a German name of Zimmerman, claimed self-defence.

Guess the Other Guy Did it

Then the following week another case in which a Black Jamaican chappie called Trevor Dooley, although why he is Jamiacan with an Irish name is also beyond me, also in the state of Floride was found guilty of killing his neighbour a Mr David James in a dispute over a skateboard despite claiming self defence. Hmmmm...

Upon reviewing both these cases it seems to me that the legal system in the State of Floride has been simplified and clarified so no person living there can construe its legal system with the slightest ambiguity:

• If you're white you're innocent
• If you're black you're guilty

One knows one is a bigoted old fart that doesn't give a monkey's arse about anyone but even these two cases take the biscuit! One supposes that it is not called Disneyland for nothing.

Abu Sakkar: Cannibal and Animal?

Sakkar

Just been reading about a chappie called Abu Sakkar. This man, like so many others is involved in the current ghastly little war in Syria.

This war is one of those civil wars which by their very nature are nasty little blazers that put father against son, neighbour against neighbour, restaurant manager against restaurant manager and generally everybody against everybody else.

Anyway this one in Syria has been ongoing for the last two years or something like that and it is the first full scale civil war that can be watched on youtube, internet and all that sort of thing.

Anyway this Abu Sakkar has proved himself to be a nasty, savage fellow of the lowest possible moral declination because he cut out the heart of one of his foes and then proceeded to eat it! I mean can you imagine that!? It’s a disgrace! What kind of man is that? This is inhuman! I can scarcely contain my abhorrence a moment longer and The Lord alone knows what Miss Jennifer Aniston thinks about this!! She must be horrified!! 

Aniston: Horrified

I mean even when my regiment was involved in the Mau Mau uprising at our lowest ebb we didn’t stoop this low with our captured foes. No Sir by Jimeny we did not!

No what we did was to lightly sauté the heart first in a flavoured butter and serve it in a nice white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic, all washed down with a crisp, clean and if I may say a rather fruity little Jean-Marc Brocard Chablis Vau de Vey 1937.

Trenton Oldfield: Cart him off!

Tubular Balls

Just heard on the wireless about Trenton Oldfield, The activist who produced a terrible album, called 'Tubular Balls' in the early 1970's in protest at government cuts and Prime Minister Edward Heath's stupid laugh.

The man swam out into the middle of the river Thames and started playing some Tubular Bells during the Oxford and Cambrige boat race.

And that was it! For this act of protest he has been ordered to leave the country. It's a disgrace!! I mean people like Abu Hamza are responsible for planning horrible deaths in this country and they gets to stay. Not to mention Simon Cowell and Les Dennis! At least Piers Morgan left on his own accord.

I had twenty guineas on Cambridge to win that race and I came away with nothing! Didn't even get my original stake back as the wretched bookies told me that it was all null and void. 

This is all because of Trenton Oldfield! People like him make me want to vomit! Well I think we should throw the book at this sort of individual and punished him properly. I mean really make him regret it, send him somewhere where he won't see his friends nor family for years

That's right put him on a boat and cart him off to Australia. That's the only sort of language his type understand.

Silvio Berlusconi:

Berlusconi

Just been reading about Silvio Berlusconi, the former Prime Minister of Italy.

This time round he failed to make it as Prime Minister, thus making himself vulnerable to arrest and imprisonment, despite being convicted of numerous crimes.

At present he has twenty pending cases against him all of which carry custodial sentances. 

To date, this is what some of the  things this fellow has been up to;

Chris Hadfield: Porno Star?

Moustache

Odds Bodkins it's that crashing bore of an Astronaut again. I've dealt with this person in a previous post.

It isn't enough that he has to hover around in space all day making videos of himself singing songs and posing in front of space ships oh no sir!

No just orbiting the world isn't enough for this man no sir by Jimeny it is not! The fellow now feels as if he has to announce his retirement to the world as well. Next thing you know he'll be making videos of himself passing water or blowing off for the world to see. Thinks he's the bees knees just because he has been to the stars!

Well if you ask me the only stars this man is good for are porno stars! I mean just look at him! That moustache serves only one purpose, it's a porno moustache! Can't use it for anything else! This whole Astronaut jiggery-pokery was a front so Hadfield could get a shoe horn in to the pornography industry. It's a disgrace!

I mean in space a proper astronaut would have a handle-bar moustache for something to hold on to! You can’t float around up their without handles!

Porno

It's all down to pornography and not just for Hadfield! All the other Silly Billys floating around up there with nothing to do except gawp out of the windows and sing silly songs are in to it as well don cha know! Well why don't they just get on with it and get their clothes off and get it all over with instead of fart-arsing about pretending to want to be astronauts. Blasted layabouts or should that be floatabouts?