Friday, 29 June 2012

Rupert Murdoch Hates the English

Look at the horns on his head!!
Right then! So Murdoch hates the English! He doesn't give a shit about us!

Sounds to me like the baby has thrown the dummy out of the pram. 

The man says he can make more money in the United States with his Fucks News Corporation.

OK.. goodbye then.

In the meantime he can take his blasted money, stick it up his arse, then some more up his son's arse, then up his wife's arse and then up Rebekah Brookes' arse, then I'd like to see them all give a shit after that!!!

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Natural Disaster

Dreadful Heat
It's sweltering here! Can hardly keep my G&T cold long enough to drink the blasted thing.  Have to keep throwing it down my throat ASAP.

Of coursre very hot prolonged summers have resulted in 100's dying through high temperatures and thirst last year in Southern France and it looks as though this will be repeated this year too!

So here is what must be done to avoid a repetition of last year. 

  • Equip lorries to carry tons of water to strategic locations.
  • Set up a network of hose-pipes that thread their way between all the choice grape vines.
  • Reintroduce slavery so each grape-vine can be shaded from the extreme temperatures of the midday sun otherwise even more vines will die.
  • Divert water from small towns and cities into choice wine producing regions.

If it wasn't for that fascio-trotskyite bureaucratic regime in the EU all this would have been dealt with last year!

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

My New Twitter Account

Is There a Doctor in the House?
One was advised to open to Twitter account by one of those marketing johnnies to promote One's blog.

Thought the bounder was trying to tell me I was a twit but he managed to explain what Twitter was all about during the thrashing I was metering out to him.

Anyway, the account was open ten minutes when the first follower appeared by the name of ' from Miami. Then I saw her profile description!!

www.TIGHT%SS-F%CKEDHARD.INFO (full title censored)

Just what in God's name is this blasted internet for? I thought it was invented to permit loud-mouthed, bolshy, self-opinionated, narrow-minded bleeders like me to talk crap all day and get paid for it. And there's another thing, I've only raised 6 pence since I started doing this sort of thing. I'd make more prostituting the servants (if they weren't still on strike)

The whole thing is a complete shower!!

Anyway got to dash as Bernadine is on the line at the moment and I can't keep her waiting as the call seems ridiculouly expensive for some reason.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Socialist Margarine Conspiracy

Blob of Margarine Under Slice of Toast

Was in the Borough Council offices this morning when I saw a blob of margarine on the floor! Disgraceful! 

I pay these people to keep public buildings free of this sort of lunacy!

I approached the information kiosk and told the jumped up little Marxist there all about it! His response? 'ooh I'll use that for my toast.’

Sunday, 24 June 2012


Peculiar Voice
My God what is the world coming to!? It transpires that there is a pervert in my condominium?! 

I thought there was something wrong with her the moment I met her at a function the other evening whilst I was attempting to get her up to my room.

Her voice was a bit strange, she was a little tall and she had B.O. Turns out she was a HE!

My God man what is going on?! He started boasting about his gender reassignment. The only reassignment I could think of was concerning his face!!

Reassignment indeed! In my day there was only one to do with his kind! Cut off his wedding tackle! That's the only language his/her/their sort understand!

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Rupert Murdoch in Sordid Sex Shame Shenanigans Scandal

That Woman Murdoch Has Frequent Sex With
One of my sources has just told me that Rupert Murdoch is secretly having sex on a regular basis with a woman in his private apartment.

The woman is said to be young enough to be his grand daughter. It's a disgrace!!!

One of Murdoch’s earlier wives has refused to comment on the matter saying that after their marriage was over it really was none of her business whom Rupert chose to have sexual intercourse with.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

The Enemy Within

My God We Showed Em!
Just got a letter claiming that I'm a complete coward and am the sort that wouldn't fight for ones' country

How dare they impugn my character! I’ll have you know that during the war one was in constant battle with the enemy. All the time.

It was relentless! The toll was high but it was all very necessary to avoid the country being swamped by the enemy.

Yes One flew hundreds of sorties at great risk to Ones’ personal safety, dropping hundreds of thousands of tons of bombs on the working classes.

At one point we actually ran out of bombs and had to telephone the Luftwaffe to fly over London and drop a few on our behalf as we had ran out!

My God we showed em.

Saturday, 16 June 2012

One is a Tolerant Fellow

Not necessarily putrid scum
One prides one's self in being without prejudice and judgement upon those around one.

One understands that others simply do not have the wherewithall to know that others are not blessed with this quality and that they can be jealous of one's blessings and talents.

So their jealousies and negative feelings, no doubt acquired from childhood are merely the projection of their inner turmoils onto one.

So one can rest easy and in the knowledge that these people will one day conquer their inner troubles.

One must reiterate here that one is not a bigot. One is tolerant to all forms of unwashed, ignorant, lower-class, proletarian, scum no matter how stupid or psychologically doollaly they are languishing in their own self-hatred and miserable putrifying ingratiation.

Thank you for reading

Monday, 11 June 2012

How to Disarm a Suicide Bomber?

Off you go to the Police Station
This is an easy one. Simply approach the guilty bleeder suspect and politely ask the chappie what's going on? 

That always trips em up because your average suicide bomber would never expect such a polite enquiry as they are usually charged up ready to detonate and an enquiry of this gracious magnitude will completely overwhelm the swine.

Once he confesses simply ask the johnny to take the bomb off and pop down to the nearest police station to apologise and then turn himself in.

There's no point getting angry with the chap, he can't help it if he's been indoctrinated with some notion of suicidal glory. Rubbish!

Of course if the man fails to respond to the above then do what we did to the fuzzi-wuzzies in Aden; give em a poke with the old cold steel! That'll sort him out.

That lot don't like it up em ya know!

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Morning Constitutional

Demented or on Drugs
Was on my morning constitutional today when I happened upon an individual blurting out some rubbish about a ’champagne supernova’ at the top of his ghastly voice accompanied by a guitar.

With lyrics like that this reprobate was obviously on drugs or just demented.  

Then he had the impudence to ask for some of MY money. I told the chappie that I would give him £500 if he would recite any Elgar which he clearly wouldn't have been able to and in any case I just said it to irritate him.

On the plus side at least he was tyring to earn some money rather than stealing it so I persuaded a passer-by to make a donation. 

Friday, 1 June 2012

J.F.K. Conspiracy Theory

Out of His Head
One has devised a water-tight tip-top theory regarding the Kennedy Assassination. It's very controversial but the evidence backs up everything I say so prepare yourself!

J.F.K. was assassinated by a chap called 'Lee Harvey Oswald.!! The man was hid in a book suppository waited for J.F.K. to scoot past in his motor, fired off a few rounds and then 'bob's your uncle' out blew J.F.K's brains and the man's clogs were popped.