How to Defend Yourself Against a Street Urchin

Martial Arts

Right so I was minding my own business walking along the high street the other day when I was apprehended by a man asking for directions to the nearest McDonalds public toilet facility that these days has a restaurant selling hot food attached to them. 

It was very clear to me, right from the moment he approached me that he was going to try to take my wallet away from me and thus my fiver named Colin, serial number KJ89 479000. How did I know this? Well the first clue was that he had a hood over his head thus concealing his face. Why would anybody want to conceal their face unless they were trying to avoid recognition or were demented. 

Second Giraffe to Have a "J.F.K." in Denmark

Giraffe Strikes Back

Can't believe this! Not content with putting a bullet through the head of one giraffe in Copenhagen Zoo another Danish Zoo, this time, one called Jyllands Park Zoo, in Western Denmark is also going to do the same with of one of it's giraffes also called Marius. This constitutes giraffocide?

I don't know about you but if I was a giraffe called Marius living in Denmark I would pack my bags and leave pronto! So what is going on? Well the reason they want to give this second giraffe the "J.F.K." is the same as the first: EU regulations. 

How to Help A Man in Quicksand.

Speaks English

Quicksand! Yes quicksand its everywhere and you never know when you may find yourself caught in it or indeed stumble across a fellow up to his waist in it and unable to get out without assistance.

So I've come up with this marvellous strategy to follow in order to deal with a chap, any chap, who finds themselves sinking and needs help.

So imagine you turn a corner off your local high street and right before you is a man quickly sinking in quicksand and is calling for help. Let's imagine he has a name, err... off the top of my head let's call him Piers mOrgan. What's the first thing to do?

Horse Racing Tips

Gastro-Urinary Complaint

One dabbles on the GG's every now and again so I thought it only right to start giving tips to those who want to partake in the horses too. 

So here are my tips for this week including the meeting, time, horse and odds and owner.

Carlisle:

12:40 'Gastro-Urinary Complaint'.......33/1

13:10 'Three Mile Island'....................44/1

13:45 'Bloating Haemorrhoid'................2:1

Bell: My New Butler

Bell the Butler

Excellent news. That blasted servants strike may soon be over. 

I thought I'd almost lost it when Courtney passed away last year but odds bodkins the other day I solicited the services of a new man called Bell. (see photograph courtesy of Hanson Leatherby)

Anyway, Bell the butler has proved himself to be of great worth and knows his place. And he doesn't flinch at all, for example, last Sunday I thought I would test him out by getting Great Uncle 'Whoopsie' Ware-Armitage to telephone me. Then I would say 'Is that the phone bell' Ha hahah Geddit? Yes? No? and then 'Is that the door bell' Geddit? Ha ha I've still got the old wit don cha know. He didn't even bat an eyelid when I threatened to defenestrate him for leaving the window open.

Horse Manure!

Can't Give a Shit

Just how is it possible to get horse manure wrong?!! I mean just what the blazes is going on in this country?

With the summer here one needs to move tons of manure onto the garden for good produce come harvest time. I find this back-breaking work for servants to do but I soldier on.

However, because of the wretched servants strike about to enter it's eighteenth month one has had to go to outsiders for one's manure.

So I went to the Gypsies next door and asked them to come round and leave as much of their shit as possible next to the kitchen garden. And this they did without let or hindrance, I paid them by the ton. All very nice, how could that possibly go wrong?

Well later that afternoon some fool from the local borough council visited and insisted on taking a sample of the manure just for examination he said. Poppycock, this clown was out to cause trouble.

Within a day half the blasted council were round my estate accompanied but the Old Bill! They placed me under arrest and before I knew it I was in a cell at the police station! The indignity of it all!! 

And it was all the fault of those pagan swine Gypsies. I gave them specific instruction NOT to use the manure from my racehorse stables and instead steal it from another farm. This was because all my manure contains traces of performance enhancing drugs, painkillers, Banned muscle toners, andrenaline activators and all that sort of thing etc.

Well that's the last time I use those damn Gypsies! You just can't trust anybody these days! Even the bloody horse manure is shit these days!

Oscar Pistorius: The Trial

Oscar Pissedasafarticus with Guitar

Just heard the charges brought against Oscar Pistorius.

The clown has been charged with shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp dead. 

In his defence Pissedonabus claims that he heard a burglar in the house, shot first then asked questions, simple really.

However, the neighbours story is entirely different. They claim to have heard shouting between Pissedoffruis and Steenkamp, followed by gunshots.

Now I don't know about you but people shouting their heads off followed by gunshots equals a pretty sticky situation. It is impossible to make any claims at this juncture but one thinks this is a clearly a case of 'Leg Envy.' I mean have you seen hers? They are just the ticket if you ask me.

If Oscar Pissedasafarticus thinks he can get away with this then he has another thing coming, for me the odds are stacked against him. The fool clearly hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Oscar Pistorius: The Truth

Nice Legs, better than his

Just been reading about the bokker Oscar Pistorius.

Apparently the damn fool went and shot his girlfriend dead on Valentines day. Well that's not very romantic is it? One usually takes one of one's girlfriends to a restaurant or hiking in the countryside. What kind of a man does he think he is?

One can imagine that the answer to that question is 'not much.' Which incidently, is exactly what you can say about the fellow anyway. 

Cricket & the Maasai Mara

Post-Testicle Thwacking

Just been reading about a project by the World Cricket Federation that has introduced the game of cricket to the Masai Mara, a tribe of people in Africa

The idea is to use the sport to help address pertinent issues to the local tribespeople that affect their daily lives. In their case it’s things like A.I.D.S. drought, H.I.V. genital mutilation, gender issues wine tasting and all that sort of hullababoo.

One is in favour of all this sort of thing as they these people make the most atrocious wine.

So how will the organisers do it using the sport of cricket. One couldn't honestly fathom it especially in terms of stuffl like genital mutilation and the A.I.D.S. epidemic. After long considered thought one has come up with how they will do it.

It's simple, for example in reference to drought you simply tell them all that if they don’t conserve water then they get the cricket bat wrapped around their head. In terms of genital mutilation you just tell em that the next person that gets their genitals mutilated gets a thwack in the testicles with the same cricket bat.

Lance Armstrong: First Cyclist on the Moon

Apparent Evidence of Armstrong's Moon Landing

Writing to give my ha’penny’s worth about that tour-de-France steroid cheat Lance Armstrong and cycling obsessive.

He first came to prominence in the late 1960’s after being the first man to ride a bicycle on the moon.

After that his life took a turn for the worst as nobody believed he had ever even been in an aeroplane let alone outer space.

He proceeded to claim that he rode his bicycle around the world in eighty days and again nobody believed this.

In order to prove his credentials he contacted Freddie Mercury whereupon, according to him, produced a song with Freddie entitled ’I want to ride my bicycle.’ Regrettably nobody believed this either.

He then advised Norman Tebbit’s Dad to go and look for work on his bike in the early 1980’s. While this was good advice Tebbit Snr had been dead for many a year.

Later in that decade Armstrong claims to have been instrumental in teaching Michael Jackson how to walk on the moon. Alas Jackson refuted any claims from Armstrong regarding this matter stating categorically that he was playing with some children at that time.

Lacking somewhat in credibility Armstrong, pining for the days of gravitational shock waves, G-forces and floating weightless on his Raleigh Roadster decided to take control of his life. Yes he embarked on a course of performance enhancing drugs. The highs from these drugs were so extensive that he was over the moon at least three times a week.

He then cycled around France in the great tour six times winning each time. It was this credibility that finally gave him the self-worth he had been hankering for since his alleged moon landing.

Alas the performance enhancing drugs were his undoing as they were forbidden under normal gravitational conditions and his friend ’Buzz’ Aldrin, grassed him up to The Police whom Armstrong claims stole the lyrics to his song entitled ’Walking on the moon.’ This was strongly denied by Sting who’s songs were a load of old codswallop anyway.

Eventually the International Cycling Federation promptly took Armstrong’s titles away from him citing his stupidity as the main reason and his drug use.

Armstrong is currently at home near a small town called Charlton Heston writing his autobiography entitled ’On Yer Bike!’

Pepsi Challenge

Cola Challenge

Was skulking along the blasted high street in Chipping Norton this afternoon when I was accosted by a tall attractive woman asking me if I wanted to take the Pepsi Challenge.

Always up for a chance to win some money I took her up on the offer.

She presented me with two cans of chemically coloured sugary water (can't beat a bottle of the old Chablis you know) and told me to chose which one suited my taste.

Olympic Games, Bloody Marvellous!

Olympic Flame Burns Onwards

You know one is a bit of a curmudgeon and not usually prone to sentimentality.

However, the London Olympic Games have been absolutely super and I just want to give three cheers to all the athletes, officials and volunteers who participated.

One thinks the games are a super shiny, tip-top example to all those out there looking to do something with their lives.

One doesn’t have to be something spectacular, just be something. So get outside and become something, even if it is just a runner in your spare time two or three times a week. Or walking to work instead of taking a ghastly bus!

Anyone can do this, even all those good people out there who are clinically obese. Also, drug addicts and the unemployed. Along with riffraff, the stupid, the unintelligent and lazy bastards too!

Not forgetting morons and oafs of course and shitbags, scum, trailer-trash, heathen swine and Piers mOrgan too. 

The last two weeks of this Olympiad have been the best! Well done one and all and three cheers to the next Olympics in Rio De Janeiro!



Sir Pery Ware-Armitage

Olympic Boxing Success

Investing in Today's Youth

The Olympic Boxing is just great! Anybody been following it?

You know boxing really is the noble sport going back over one hundred years. 

Today it has a firm foundation in the deprived areas of our towns and cities where successive blasted governments have failed to invest in the young people that so deservedly should have a better future.

It is to boxing that many of them turn to seek a way out of the urban chaos that can blight so many lives. It teaches discipline, respect and above all gives people a greater sense of self worth more than any government can provide.

Until governments start taking care of the youth of this country indeed of any country then Boxing is a way out for the deprived areas of our society. 

Also, there is nothing better on television these days than watching  working class people knocking the crap out of each other.

Urban Olympic Games

Fare-Dodge Champion

Javelin, discus, running, hurdles? All these sports were meant to reflect a chap’s abilities on the battle field in ancient times. That's what the Olympiad was devised for don cha know. That way nobody would get killed and everyone could have a jolly good old caper.

But these days the battle field has changed somewhat. So I suggest some new sports that reflect the modern warrior.

Weight Looting

1) The 100 metre drive-by shooting (self explanatory)


2) The Shove (Murderous policeman pushes a man to the ground with as much impunity as possible)

The Shove

3) Truncheon-Relay (a team of six policemen take it in turns to whack the crap out of someone)

4) The Suicide-Bomber hurdles

5) The Double-Jump (A hop and a jump onto a metro train pursued by three heavily armed policemen.)

6) Weight-looting (Running with a bulking object as fast as possible, i.e. plasma TV or microwave oven)

7) Fare-Dodging (jumping ticket barricades)

8) Arsen-o-thon (Setting fire to Buildings)

This is a complete winner! Think of the sponsorship deals. Any more suggestions do drop me a line.

Olympic Shooting Sport



Found a Volunteer?

Just been hearing and reading lately about the Shooting competition in the Olympic games.

People have been complaining that it is dull. One feels one must point out that this is a very important sport with just as much validity as javelin, discus the 400m and whathaveyou. They all test a chap's abilities on the field and his competence with a weapon.

Granted the shooting is pretty static but one has a suggestion to breath a bit of life into it.

Olympic Women's Badminton Teams disqualified!

No Idea About Cheating! A Disgrace!

Just read about the hoo-haa about the Olympic Badminton teams being disqualified!

Apparently the teams from China, South Korea and Indonesia were throwing the game so they could get an easy ride to the finals. Their tactic was to play badly in the heats but not so bad as they would get thrown out of the competition.

They did this by playing deliberate faults, playing into the net and generally looking very silly. In one game the umpire stepped in to sort them all out but even he failed. The teams even started getting booed by the audience as they were playing so obviously bad. The whole thing was a set up!

I mean who do these people think they are?! They're a disgrace! Fancy getting caught! Don't these people know how to cheat properly? You don't do it infront of thousands of people you bribe the umpires. Alternatively you can put laxatives in your opponents water. Even better you can crap yourself on the court and pretend that the opponents have put laxatives in your water. Then you will see them get disqualified, which is a bit more like it.

Ye Shiwen; Olympic Dope.

Pumped Full?

Just realised what the solution is to all the blasted hoo-haa about Olympic athletes stuffing themselves with performance enhancing drugs.

 It's perfectly simple, just have a seperate Olympic games for everyone who takes them It'll be great!

Can you imagine how fast those stinkers will run once they've pumped themselves full with steroids? They'll shift like bloody rockets.

And the swimmers will go faster than speedboats!! Can you imagine that?

 I mean who cares what drugs they've taken? After all the first ex-wife pumped herself with tranquillisers for seven years and nobody complained about that.

The Olympic Shames

Doing a Runner

Just heard about G4S the private company responsible for the Olympic Games security.

This company ballsed the whole thing up costing millions and are now being bailed out by the taxpayer. That's yours truly!!

Well nobody asked me if I wanted the damn thing. The blasted government just decided to have the games and went ahead irrespective of any of my views. It's a disgrace!

Not only that but the blasted relay runners, carrying the Olympic torches are selling the damn things on Ebay! Not only that but people are buying them for lots of money.

The whole things is turning into a giant money machine thus undermining the ethos of this event It's a disgrace!

I get enough activity in my life thrashing the servants (before they had gone on strike) shooting animals, throwing IPads at people and crapping out of my window in Marseilles thank you very much!

If these people think they can use my money to pay for their sporting activities in future they can run a bloody mile!

Shit Creek with a Paddle

Looks a Right Tosser?!

Look at this photo! Just look at it!! This is the new sport of choice Paddle Surfing.

Hasn't this fool got anything better to do with his life?

It must be an example of the first sport where the equipment used actually goes slower than what it was originally designed for! It's like storing your fridge in the blasted oven!

I could have shat a better sport than this! In fact that is probably going to be the next 'new sport' Shit blasting. Everyone bends over and tries to crap further than everybody else.

In fact I've got an even better sport than that. Paddle-surfer shooting! Just shoot the bleeders partaking in paddle-surfing. Then I'd like to see how fast they can paddle after the first one gets it. Also I'd make em paddle in shark-infested waters.

Then they'd really wish they were up shit creek without a paddle.

Morning Constitutional

Demented or on Drugs

Was on my morning constitutional today when I happened upon an individual blurting out some rubbish about a ’champagne supernova’ at the top of his ghastly voice accompanied by a guitar.

With lyrics like that this reprobate was obviously on drugs or just demented.  

Then he had the impudence to ask for some of MY money. I told the chappie that I would give him £500 if he would recite any Elgar which he clearly wouldn't have been able to and in any case I just said it to irritate him.


On the plus side at least he was tyring to earn some money rather than stealing it so I persuaded a passer-by to make a donation.