Monday, 29 April 2013

A Hand Up!

Welcome to England
Recently not been feeling tickety-boo so one went to the Docs for a check up and all that sort of thing. 

Anyway, the fellow appeared to have a speech impediment and when I pointed this out to him he told me that he was foreign! That's what you get with today's Nation Health Service don cha know. 

This jonny foreigner listened to the old ticker and that was fine, blood pressure was a little on the high side but nothing too much to worry about so one was pleased as punch with all that. The foreign Doctor then said he wanted to get an indication of me prostrate. One thought this was a little odd as what difference would it be to give me a check up if I was lying on the floor?

Nevertheless one got on the floor face down and waited. There was complete silence from the foreign Doctor. I asked the fellow what he was waiting for to which he replied 'You will need to take your clothes off Mr Ware-Armirage. 

'Sir Percy Ware-Armitage' not 'Mister,'  This fellow was starting to annoy me. What does he think I am some kind of prole? This was all very peculiar. One couldn't actually see why this foreign Doctor wanted me on the floor prostrate with my clothes off. But one is a tolerant sort of fellow so I undressed and got back on the floor face down. 

The Doc then asked my why I was on the floor. I mean the man is a complete fool you can't prostrate yourself anywhere else. The definition is 'To lie on the floor' I told the bleeder this and he got all funny with me. He then ordered me to get on the bed face down. By this time he was really beginning get my gander up! So one got up off the blasted floor, stark naked and got on the examination bed! 

And then you will never guess what this pervert did? He started to shove his hand up my arse! Of all the indignity! It's a disgrace! I knew there was something wrong with the blighter as soon as I saw him. Who the hell do these people think they are? I mean it's not as though he was my old geography teacher back in Eaton! Naturally I was out of that place like a shot and I won't be going back there again.

The whole episode is a disgrace! One reported it to the police and they just laughed at me! The shame! Terrible. The humiliation of it all. Well I am never going to let this happen again no Sir by Jimeny I will not! I can tell you now that if anyone is going to try to stick a hand up my arse then it is going to belong to an Englishman.

Friday, 19 April 2013

Gunther Von Häagen-Dazs

Ice Cream
Just seen an extraordinary exhibition by some chappie called Gunter Von Häagen-Dazs.

Could scarcely believe my eyes this Haagens-Dazs fellow takes his own brand of ice-cream and then feeds it to dying people.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Thatcher Funeral: The Sponsorship Deals

My Sentiments Exactly!
Saw that funeral yesterday of Thatcher! That Grocer's daughter, or should that be groser daughter? caused havoc and chaos to every man, woman and child across the country during her reign! It was a disgrace. For everyone the suffering was unimaginable! 

These politicians are notorious for being completely out of touch with real life. Wallowing in their government mansions in central London and in the countryside at Chequers and Chievening and bathing in copius amounts of Taxpayers money.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Boston Terrierist Attack: Conspiracy Theory

Boston Terrierst Attack
Been reading about the Boston Terrier Attack during the Marathon there on Sunday. Ghastly state of affairs don cha know.

Three people lost their lives in the attack and many more were injured, it's dreadful!

Great Auntie Fitzgibbon-Armitage used to have several Boston Terriers and they were quite friendly little bleeders one can tell you. So what possessed a group of them to go on the rampage during the Boston Marathon is beyond me?

Whilst Boston Terriers are clever little bastards one didn't think that they were capable of engineering a bomb! Obviously we have completely underestimated them. 

One did some research late last night after returning home from the pub (three bottles of an excellent Chablis.) From what I understand they have an entire global network organised and run by a certain Terrierist called Jack Russell and his gang called the Yorkshire Terrierists or something like that and it is the American Stafforshire Terrierist branch that is obviously responsible for Sunday's outrage.

International Terrierism is responsible for many an ill of the modern world and it is these Terrierists that have alot to answer for! But you just can't tell a good Terrier from a bad! So you never know if there is a Bad Terrierist in your midst! The answer? Well it's easy, round them all up and put them on an island in the Atlantic Ocean, preferably Labrador.

Friday, 12 April 2013

Prof. Robert Edwards: An Obituary

Father Again for the Umpteenth Time
Just been reading about Professor Robert Edwards who died at the age of 87. This was the man who help literally hundreds of thousands of women get pregnant.

The dirty bleeder!! Didn't think it was possible for someone like him to do it at all let alone with hundreds of thousands of women. He must have been at it all day for the last thirty years! The man is an animal!

He shoud be ashamed of himself! The man is a beast! And what exactly is it that women see in him? I mean he was 87 and looked like a prune! I knew I should have been a doctor! Women love that sort of thing in a man. It's shameful!

How did he get away with it? And there is the blasted cost! All those children must have cost a fortune! Where did he get the money from? Let alone the energy. One can barely manage it once a week let alone do it with hundreds of thousands of women. He must scarely had the chance to go home. No wonder he's got such a massive grin on his face. It's just not fair!

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Margaret Thatcher: An Obituary

Margaret Thatcher in her role as Meryl Streep
Just heard about the death of Lady Margaret Thatcher

This incredible woman was a controversial character that was both divisive and yet decisive. Her life was a series of struggles with the established order and with the men and institutions of her time.

The hightlight of her career came when she won the Oscar for Best Actress in the film The Iron Lady where she portrayed Meryl Streep who had won three general elections for her portrayal of a Leader of the Conservative Party.