Thursday, 28 February 2013

Abraham Lincoln: best actor

Lincoln's Portayal of Lewis
Congratulations to Abraham Lincoln for winning the Oscar for best actor in his role as Daniel Day-Lewis.

Apparently, this is the third time that Abraham Day-Lincoln has won an Oscar, something that has never been done before by a former President of the United States of America.

Lincoln’s performance as Day-Lewis, a character actor from Sidcup, shone through as the performance to beat. The film started with Night-Lewis’ life when he went into business as the owner of a very nice laundrette in Birmingham in 1978.

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Milan, Italy: Fascism Week

Italy is an oddball don cha know! Although the last World War ended a few weeks ago the people of Milan hold a festival every now and then and call it Fascism Week.

The week consists of very well dressed and in some cases very bizarrely dressed fascionisti walking up and down a long plank of wood with very serious countenances.

These individuals typically consist of a lot of Nancy-Boys and Girls, all of whom are either  ill, thin or judging from the way they walk, appear to be suffering from gastro-intestinal complications, such as piles or hemorrhoids, diarrhoea, constipation, worms or have an implement such as a bicycle pump or suppository stuck up their backsides. Failing all that they have all shat in their undergarments. What a ghastly shower!

While this poncing about on planks of wood is all very well one doesn't exactly see what on earth this has to do with Fascism. Although the Fascists of 70 to 80 years ago had very smart uniforms and all that sort of thing one can't help but feel something went wrong somewhere. The fascists I mowed down all those years ago were are fit and  healthy lot with an appetite for a good ole scrap! 

This lot of pooves, on the other hand, couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. I mean can you imagine having to go into battle with these incontinents on your side? Of course not! 

If this lot want to walk along a plank then I recommend they do just that, only on one that is tied to the side of ship.

Sunday, 24 February 2013

Rihanna: Start Violence Against Idiotic Men!

That's Right, Throttle him!!!
Just been reading about some bint called Rihanna. Apparently she and her last boyfriend, a violent man called Chris Brown.

Anyway Brown and Rihanna split up a while ago because he beat her up in a fit of mad passion according to her and then she left him. Her photographs were all over the newspapers and what have you with bruises and cuts and all that sort of thing.

What gets me is that in this last fortnight there has been a global campaign to end violence against women, yet in the same time she chooses to get back with Brown as she feels as though he is completely misunderstood.

And she is right... she has completely misunderstood him. You can't go around hitting people willy-nilly! What sort of society is it that tolerates that sort of nonsense? And who is she to tolerate that sort of nonsense too. 

If there is to be a global campaign to stop violence against women then at least those in the upper eschealons of the media world can set and example and join in! It's a disgrace!

There is only one thing to do with women like this, slap em around! That's the only sort of language they understand!

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Oscar Pistorius: The Trial

Oscar Pissedasafarticus with Guitar
Just heard the charges brought against Oscar Pistorius.

The clown has been charged with shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp dead. 

In his defence Pissedonabus claims that he heard a burglar in the house, shot first then asked questions, simple really.

However, the neighbours story is entirely different. They claim to have heard shouting between Pissedoffruis and Steenkamp, followed by gunshots.

Now I don't know about you but people shouting their heads off followed by gunshots equals a pretty sticky situation. It is impossible to make any claims at this juncture but one thinks this is a clearly a case of 'Leg Envy.' I mean have you seen hers? They are just the ticket if you ask me.

If Oscar Pissedasafarticus thinks he can get away with this then he has another thing coming, for me the odds are stacked against him. The fool clearly hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Oscar Pistorius: The Truth

Nice Legs, better than his
Just been reading about the bokker Oscar Pistorius.

Apparently the damn fool went and shot his girlfriend dead on Valentines day. Well that's not very romantic is it? One usually takes one of one's girlfriends to a restaurant or hiking in the countryside. What kind of a man does he think he is?

One can imagine that the answer to that question is 'not much.' Which incidently, is exactly what you can say about the fellow anyway. 

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Valentine's Day Bandwagon

Valentine's Day Abomination!
Good God Look at this shit! Is this what passes as a Valentines day message of love, mutual understand, trust and all that crap? 

These Valentine's Day Cards are a disgrace and I'll tell you why. It's because they cost 70p for a pack of ten. 

Well what is the point of buying ten Valentine's Day Cards? I mean one only has four girlfriends so the other six are a complete waste of money! 

Sunday, 10 February 2013

Alien Abduction!

Had the fright of my life last night when I was abducted by spacemen.

One has read about this sort of thing happening to plebes, scum, trailer trash, poor people and fools but one had dismissed it as hogwash. The product of delusion, mistaken identity or idiocy but not any longer no sir by Jimeny it is true.

One was terrified! So what happened? Well one had just exited the pub after having downed three bottles of chateaux de Molin de cote flambolier followed by a chaser. Then all washed down with a swift Ardbeg 1943, well four swift ones actually as the first three were a bit too swift if you know what I mean?

Then as one was walking back to the estate one noticed that ones weight was starting to increase as the old legs suddenly gave way. Although one did not realise this at the time, this was obviously a gravitational effect of the flying saucer’s propulsion system as it closed in on my personage.

And that was when I saw it! Initially it was just two bright lights heading towards me following the exact direction of the road. Then two bright blue lights just above those started flashing and rotating. This was followed by a bright piercing sound that went something like woooowwwww.

One started to feel fear but one was not prepared to show it, you know what these foreigners are like, so I tried to shout at them ’get lost filth I know where you live’ but it came out all slurred and unintelligible as these alien trash were obviously tying to hypnotise me!

I then felt them grab me by the arms and pick me up off the floor whereby I heard them speaking in their alien language something like ’gonnafuk indoyouover atthe stashun cahnt’

One then became completely overwhelmed and started vomiting profusely obviously because of the effects of the radioactivity generated by their flying saucer.

Then everything went dark and the next thing I knew I was lying in the ditch just outside the police station covered in bruises where I had obviously fought off the alien attack! It was a good thing the filth.. err sorry the police were close at hand to fend these beings off otherwise God knows what would have happened!

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Downton Abbey: The Truth

Only sort of language servants understand
Just witnessed ’Downton Abbey’ an independent television production concerning the goings on of one of the lesser classes in a tiny country house circa 1930s Britain.

Apparently the production values of the series have attempted to mirror in detail the exact feeling, lifestyle and attitudes of that era in order to show people of today what yesteryear was like.