Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Food From Nowhere?!

Biscuit in Mouth
Tried out a dash of speed dating last night. Was talking to this hottie from Ryhl when all of a sudden this large piece of food appeared at the side of her mouth?!

My God what is the world coming to? Where on Earth did it come from? Anyone would think that she had been storing it there to finish off later on. I mean I had been talking to her for about ten minutes and in that time she had eaten nothing! My God it could have been there since Monday evening.

Saturday, 28 January 2012

God Gave Us Condominiums.

One's Personal top floor Condo
Since one's pilot's licence was taken away by those ghastly people at the C.A.A. one has been attempting to emulate the feeling of flying in many ways; drifting aloft, sailing in the wind, casting aspread one's wings with utter freedom. Usually the results have been disappointing.

However, yesterday one hit upon an aspect of being as free as a bird with roaringly good results. It was just a question of putting two and two together. You see one owns and occupies the top floor of a Southern French condominium, as indeed in a few other places as well.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Benefits of Stress

An example of an Incapacity Benefit Claimant
Just read about the number of people claiming government incapacity benefit. It's a disgrace! What's the matter with these people? Anyone would think that there is something wrong with them!

Incapacity Benefits should be scrapped. Instead these people should be given a cash incentive of £1,000,000 to get off their fat backsides and earn and honest living. That will show the stinkers.

Monday, 23 January 2012

One is Grief Stricken

My Munitions Factory
One is sad to announce that this morning a person committed suicide by throwing himself on the electrified rails on the metro.

It is said that suicide is painless but that is not true. And the reason it isn't true is because that stinker cost me upward of £500,000 in lost production because he prevented workers from getting to my blasted munitions factory on time!

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Traditional Capitalist Christmas

Thought I should write to express my monstrous disgust at the way in which the message of Christmas has been twisted, manipulated and perverted over recent years. It's a disgrace!

I remember the time when it only had one clear and simple message but now that is not the case! Instead the message of Christmas is being diluted by vested interests trying to take advantage of everybody's good will. 

And we all know by who is doing this! Yes that's right... it's the Church!

Over the last few years The Church has been consistently encroaching upon the mass hysterical,self-indulgent, drunkenness, that facilitates

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Abandon Ship!

Costa Bloody Fortune

Just seen footage of that dreadful tourist trap The Costa Concordia. Why people want to go on one of those things is beyond comprehension. Still it keeps the riff-raff away from my retreats in that part of the world one supposes.

Monday, 16 January 2012

And God Created Chaos

Read in this morning's paper that Creationists are peddling their theories as science. Tosh!! Don't they have dictionaries? That'll tell the blighters the difference between science and religion. But I suppose that means they will have to pick up a book. What a shower!

Why can't they leave science alone and concentrate on something else? They only cause disruption in circles that do not have anything in common with their theological discourse. These stinkers are a menace!

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Still Got the Whit

Was at a function last night and found oneself being eyed up by a rather undesirable, bedragglehorn, madame from somewhere or other. 

I had other ideas particularly upon a rather beautiful blondy from Baden Baden. Anyway the tedious bedragglehorn came up to me and said the following;

'I've never had sex with an Englishman.'

to which one responded,

'Me neither.'

and promptly strolled over to The beautiful blondy from Baden Baden. Don cha just love life sometimes.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Coffee Calamity

  • Waited for coffee pot to boil for ten minutes
  • Smelled burning coffee
  • Realised forgot to put water in coffee pot
  • Burned fingers whilst unscrewing hot coffee pot.
  • Emptied burned coffee into bin
  • Filled pot with water and screwed top of pot back onto base
  • Put pot back onto gas ring
  • Put milk into cup and put into microwave, switched microwave

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Charging Me to Get Lost

Was at a lovely garden centre at the weekend in the beautiful Berkshire countryside. I was pursuing this fiery redhead, that I had spotted in Whitchurch driving the other way. I swooshed the Porsche round and followed her for ten minutes until she pulled into aforementioned Garden Centre just outside Goring. 

Anyway the redder was meeting her wretched man there. Ghastly fellow! Had lapels on his waistcoat. What sort of a fool does that? Anyway the rotter spotted me clocking his fiance so I ducked into a side alley where I saw a sign that said 'this way to the Saxon Maze.' I realised that this would enable me to lose the bleeder so I followed the sign. Unfortunately, the entrance to it said '£1.50 entrance fee.'
Quite frankly what is the point of that! Fancy charging people to wonder around a maze! I mean did the Saxons charge people to go in? Probably not, so why should they start charging now?

If these people want to charge me £1.50 to wonder around a maze for an hour or so they can get lost!!