Mission to Pluto: A Layman's Guide

Bolsheviks

Right then A few weeks ago those incredibly clever boffins at NASA; The National Arbeiten and Space Administration saw the culmination of a ten year mission to the planet Pluto to seek out new life and new civilisations

Apparently, it's not a planet any more because The IAU; International Astronomical Union (obviously a left wing body) decided to change Pluto's status from a planet to a dwarf planet. Well what does that mean? I'll tell you what it means, it means that Bolsheviks can do anything they bloody well want and get away with it! It's a disgrace!

Single or Double Vented Blazer? The Options

Downward Blast 

Right then so vents on blazers! That's right vents on blazers, is it a hullabaloo or something important? Well obviously it's important else I wouldn't be writing about it. The question is why is it important? Should a person don a double, single or no vented blazer? There's just so much to choose from. Ultimately it all comes down to personal choice as there are pros and cons for each variant. Well with this quick handy blog post I hope to answer those questions and may be a few more. First up the no-vent.

Artificial Intelligence

Intelligence

Right then! I've heard some absolute ARSE in my time but this week I heard something that had more ARSE in it than all the other ARSE I've heard in my time put together. 

Some boffin called Demis Hassabis has been spouting on about how clever he is and also how clever his company called DeepMind is. The boffins at DeepMind have been concentrating on developing artificial intelligence for computers. 

Australian Predators: Nation of Innovators

Two Victims swim for their lives

One has just been reading about those clever chappies in Australia who have come up with a tip-top idea to prevent attacks by great white marine predators.

The innovative fellows there have gone round and tagged 250 of the more massive of these horrifying creatures with an electrical device that can transmit the position of these hideous man-eaters to a monitoring centre. 

Apple iPad Air: Review

Throw an Apple Today

Right then! Those jonnies at Apple Inc have done the right thing and given me one of their things called an iPad Air to review. You may recall that I reviewed one of their earlier models a while back. 

Well as I said this new one is called the iPad Air. Bit of a silly name if you ask me however, we all find air in tonic water and we find tonic water in Gin so I think I can see where they are going with this and their next models but I digress. 

The iPad Air is lighter and slimmer than the previous one which means it is easier to transport around and not such a strain on one's  hand and wrist. This has both pros and cons for me and my relationship with my servants if ever they come off that blasted strike.

Apple iOS 7, Update: Review

iOS 7 Update: Review

Just had the Apple iOS 7 update downloaded onto my telephone.

This is the new operating system that the boffins at the Apple corporation have been touting as a revolutionary change from the past. They have been publicising this for months now and have finally released it.

Cyber-Bullying

Seems to me that the latest hullabaloo the press have got their claws into is cyber-bullying!

Well despite the press being a motley collection of arses they appear to have got something right for a change.

Cyber-bullying is a modern phenomenon whereby a youngster connects to a social web site of some description and converses with complete strangers. The strangers, after offering endless platitudes to their victim, then start to hurl abusive comments and suggestions to their victim that they should consider ending their own lives. 

This is pitiful! Just what in God's name is wrong with these people?  They are an absolute shower. One can scarcely contain one's disgust at this outrage! I have only one thing to say to these people! Bloody well stand up for yourselves!

If you are going to end it all just because some bufoon calls you an oik then you might as well go and hang yourself!! The damn lot of you. You're probably ugly as well and your mummy shits in plastic supermarket bags. If you people weren't so damn obese you would be able to get out of the blasted bedroom and go out and do a bit of exercise instead of lounging around on your great arses wallowing in your own blubber.

As I see it the best way to put an end to cyber bullying is for you weaklings to go outside, find a nice quiet spot in a forest and then put a bullet through you head. Hell is waiting for you you ugly, B.O. ridden, incontinent, bedragglehorn. If you're too much of a coward to do it yourself then send me your details and I'll send the boys round to ....

THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN TERMINATED BY THE BLOGGER.COM BOARD OF TASTES AND DECENCY. WE DO HOPE THAT WE HAVEN'T SPOILED YOUR ENJOYMENT TOO MUCH.

Mission to Mars?

Roger Moore in Space? As much as possible....

Just been reading about ‘The Space-X’ project based in the Netherlands, where everybody takes drugs.

‘The Space-X’ project is proposing a manned mission to the planet Mars with the aim of establishing a permanent manned base there before the year 2023. All the boffins at ‘Space X’ claim that everything is readily available for this mission to Mars except the money.

They propose raising the money by turning the entire project into a sort of Reality TV show whereby the astronauts would be filmed continually. People would have to subscribe to the channel and this, coupled with advertising, would ensure funding for the mission.

This idea is poppycock!! It’s ridiculous! What would people be subscribing to see? Two remedials farting about in a small base on the planet Mars and occasionally stepping outside to fiddle with some equipment. It would be as dull as ditch water. People wouldn’t subscribe to that for any longer than is necessary, no Sir they would not.

But by Jimeny I have the answer! I know how to get millions of people to subscribe and not just for a few weeks no Sir!! This would be a long-term subscription that everyone would willingly subscribe to and for a premium price too! So what is the answer? Well I’ll tell you what the answer is.

It’s easy, simply turn the entire project into a pornographic channel. They’d make a fortune! Instead of calling it ‘Space-X’ I propose changing it to ‘Space-XXX’ This is a winner. People would subscribe to it on lift off just in time to see weightless porn all the way to Mars and then one-third gravity Porn when they get to the Red Planet itself.

I also propose a spacesuit for two people for Deep Space Porn and also Mars Surface Porn. Just think of the money! I think it’s a winner myself. Of course when things get dull ‘Space-XXX’ can always send some cattle up there too; You know what some people are like these days, can come up with the most bizarre of notions!

3D without Glasses!!

Lady MacBeth

Was dragged out last night by Dame Brunhilda Babcock-Heatherstonehaugh last night. Don't mind her but she likes things like culture and education. The only culture one prefers is that which one finds in a distillery if you know what I mean?

Anyway turns out that it was a fun-a-plenty evening in the end as we went to a theatre to watch a film called MacBeth. This was at Drury Lane some place that one finds simply ghastly.

Anyway to my surprise the entire show was in 3D. Not only that but technology as moved on so rapidly that one didn't need to wear 3D glasses. One could simply watch the whole performance unaided.

And the actors just stood out from the background all the way through! Incredible! There was one part where the actor appeared to forget his lines and I was a trifle surprised that they hadn't edited it out before showing one supposes that one can't have everything. Still the entire thing was amazing it looked as if the actors were actually standing on a stage performing their lines. And the amazing thing that happened was some fellow in the audience let his blasted mobile telephone go off during the show and one of the actors in the film appeared to look at this rapscallion and tell him to bugger off! How do they do it?

The only odd thing about it was that as the evening drew on the show started to become out of focus. One noticed this earlier on but after a swig of the old fire-water the focus came back. But after a while no quantity of liquid engineering was able to bring the show back in to focus at all, despite it all still being in 3D.

Eventually the entire theatre shut down the lights as one suspects that the 3D effect had drained the theatre of all its power. Very sad

Auguste Renoir: Le déjeuner des canotiers

Auguste Renoir: Le Déjeuner des Canotiers

August Renoir's Le déjeuner des canotiers or in it’s proper form ’The Luncheon of the Boating Party’ is one of his finest impressionist style paintings

Renoir like other impressionist painters of that period substituted form in favour of colour and light to render depictions of nature or society functions. Previously, art had been studio based with artificial light being depicted but the impressionists forwent this traditional enclosed style to express themselves wholly in terms of natural colour, feeling and cat food.

There are Some Really Clever Bastards

What's this Crap?!

Just been reading about some boffins at a technology company called HzO who are developing a substance that will waterproof mobile telephones.

Apparently experiments are going all tickety-boo with the current depth of water being one metre and the phone still remains in working order

So naturally all the boffins, tech wizards, geeks and clever little bastards that work there are delighted and patting themselves on the back.

Well let me tell you something! The only pat on the back these people deserve is one emanating from a cow. OK so the blasted phone works to a depth of one metre does it? Well no it doesn't! If one is one metre under water how the devil is one supposed to speak? or listen for that matter? All anyone would here is the blub blub blubbing of air exiting from one’s mouth.

This company is full of cretins! No wonder the country is going to the dogs. This has got to be one of the most stupidest ideas I've ever seen in my life! And what is all the hullabaloo about one metre of water? So what! I know several people that could piss one metre of water!

Secret iPhone 5 Feature

It's a collect call!

You know that new iPhone 5 has an amazing feature on it that those clever fellows at Apple simply haven't told anyone about.

And the good thing is is that you don't even have to crack the damn thing to access this secret feature too, Incredible.

So what is this amazing feature? Well this is a good one. Those clever fellows at Apple made the iPhone 5 a little bit longer. They told journalists that this was to accommodate an extra layer of app iconographs but in reality this extension serves a greater purpose.

Iphone 5: Review

Those decent jonnies at Apple Inc had the wherewithal to send me one of their new Iphones for me to cast my opinion on.

One has to say that one was not as impressed as with the previous version. This was related mainly to issues of weight.

The previous incarnation was 20% heavier. As you can imagine this meant that when I threw the new Iphone 5 at some passing Gypsies when it hit one of them it caused less of an injury than the previous one did. Admittedly, I was able to throw it slightly further but one considers the distance in length was affecting the accuracy of my shot; the further away the target the more diffucult it is to hit. So whilst I was aiming to hit the eldest Gypsy child I actually hit her blasted mother instead.

Lethal Drone Hits America

Drone

This is the weapon that everybody fears all around the world.

It is a drone that holds no mercy killing and maiming indiscriminately without feeling or empathy to all who stumble upon it.

It's methodology is simple. It hovers around for years on end until it can find a gap in the television schedules and then it inserts itself into that gap and hogs the screen for as long as possible.

Global Warming & Wind Farms

What in Beelzebub’s balls is the world coming to?

Just look at this picture! Look at it. It’s a sign that mankind has finally flipped it’s lid.

It’s a photo of something called a wind farm. Apparently it is going to help stop global warming.

Now I may have an arse for a brain but you’re not going to cool down the planet with huge farms of fans blowing cold air everywhere are you?!

I mean how much electricity do these thing use in order to power them? It’s bloody lunacy!

No if you want to cool down the planet just get everyone to leave their fridge doors open over night. I wish people would ask me about these things you know.

How to Disarm a Suicide Bomber?

Off you go to the Police Station

This is an easy one. Simply approach the guilty bleeder suspect and politely ask the chappie what's going on? 

That always trips em up because your average suicide bomber would never expect such a polite enquiry as they are usually charged up ready to detonate and an enquiry of this gracious magnitude will completely overwhelm the swine.

Once he confesses simply ask the johnny to take the bomb off and pop down to the nearest police station to apologise and then turn himself in.

There's no point getting angry with the chap, he can't help it if he's been indoctrinated with some notion of suicidal glory. Rubbish!

Of course if the man fails to respond to the above then do what we did to the fuzzi-wuzzies in Aden; give em a poke with the old cold steel! That'll sort him out.

That lot don't like it up em ya know!

Apple iOS 5.1 Update Review

Recently got the latest Apple iOS update.

This was good news as the drinks cabinet has been running a trifle low on the old Bombay Sapphire fire-water if you know what I mean. Anyway, One was very excited to finally get the update.

Seeing as it is supposed to be the best one so far One immediately set about trying to download a Gin & Tonic from the Claridges web site.

Beware of false iGods

Apparently the second coming started a few years ago! He is here!

One can't actually believe it but apparently from everything I have seen and read the Messiah was here and was in tip top form with hundreds of thousands of worshipers from all over the world. But before you know it he was gone again!!!

Born in the 1950s he went on to enlighten millions of us with his iconic symbol of divine inspiration. Yes it was called the Ipad.

Personally, one thinks it's all a load of tosh. People like that posing as Gods should be nailed to posts! Then have their bodies thrown into unmarked caves around Easter time when loads of us are on holiday.

Luncheon Voucher

No wine list means it's not a restaurant

Was at a buffet service luncheon earlier today by invitation of one of my servants trying to negotiate an end to the blasted strike. He vouched for the place by saying it was excellent.

The strike has kept those stinkers idle for weeks while I have been left standing there like a complete arse, having to make my own tea, cucumber sandwiches, G&T, wash my own feet and the like.

One has to say that the food came through like lightening. However, one then asked the waitress what wine was available in the cellar. A simple question that went completely over her head of course. 'Wine' I said. 'you know in a bottle? Red? Expensive? Yes?'

She responded, 'This is McDonald's sir.'

Don't know what that was supposed to mean but clearly they didn't have a wine list, whereupon, for some reason, everybody took it upon themselves to laugh. Won't be going there again!

American Firepower

Can't shoot straight

Just been reading about some American soldier chappie who killed sixteen unarmed civilians in Afghanistan! Even then most of them were asleep in bed!!

Sixteen civilians shot dead by a professional soldier! It's a absolutely ghastly! Only sixteen!

One clearly recalls Blacksburg Virginia in 2007 a student with a gun killed thirty-three people whilst they were awake. And they were running around all over the place. How is that for marksmanship? And he wasn't even a soldier.

It just goes to show how important good training is these days. Regrettably, this seems to be lacking in the modern US military.