Black Friday Spreads to UK

Black Friday Victim

Just been reading about that dreaded sickness called 'Black Friday" arriving in the UK!

The sickness started in the United States of America in 1961 in Philadelphia where people went mad on the day after the Thanksgiving holiday.

The Black Friday sickness is spread by contact with consumer goods. Most particularly virulent is with consumer electronic goods but can just as easily be spread through white goods, fashion items and cheese sandwiches.

NSA, Prism, Edward Snowden and Jennifer Aniston

Aniston

Just been reading about the complete farce of the PRISM scandal over in the United States of America. Apparently the boffins in charge over there are so paranoid about security issues and people trying to attack the place that they felt it would be a good idea to start eavesdropping on what people were saying to each other and that includes Miss Jennifer Aniston.

There was a small problem though, the  N.S.A. had,  (National Security Agency is a body designated by former President George W.C. Bush to protect the American people including Miss Jennifer Aniston  from a handful of loons on the other side of the planet who have killed less American people than Americans that die from Obesity related issues per month) They didn't know precisely whom to monitor. So with the help of several projects called PRISM,

Trayvon, Zimmerman, Dooley & James. Legal Clarity in the USA

Guess I must have done it!

One likes clarity in all sorts of things, for example whether to shoot animals or not to shoot animals. To eat Beef Wellington or to not Beef Wellington etc. As far as one is concerned clarity extends to the law of the land too but in this country one finds it all double-dutch. 

However, those forever innovative Johnnies in the United States of America and particularly the Southern State of Floride which is named  after a toothpaste ingredient. The Floridians have sought to make their laws tip-top transparent for everyone to see and understand. 

In particular the recent George Zimmerman case saw the man let off despite shooting a Black American teenage boy called Trayvon Martin, whom was unarmed despite Zimmerman, claiming that the boy was. Zimmerman, a chappie of Hispanic origins, although why that would be with a German name of Zimmerman, claimed self-defence.

Guess the Other Guy Did it

Then the following week another case in which a Black Jamaican chappie called Trevor Dooley, although why he is Jamiacan with an Irish name is also beyond me, also in the state of Floride was found guilty of killing his neighbour a Mr David James in a dispute over a skateboard despite claiming self defence. Hmmmm...

Upon reviewing both these cases it seems to me that the legal system in the State of Floride has been simplified and clarified so no person living there can construe its legal system with the slightest ambiguity:

• If you're white you're innocent
• If you're black you're guilty

One knows one is a bigoted old fart that doesn't give a monkey's arse about anyone but even these two cases take the biscuit! One supposes that it is not called Disneyland for nothing.

Chris Hadfield: Porno Star?

Moustache

Odds Bodkins it's that crashing bore of an Astronaut again. I've dealt with this person in a previous post.

It isn't enough that he has to hover around in space all day making videos of himself singing songs and posing in front of space ships oh no sir!

No just orbiting the world isn't enough for this man no sir by Jimeny it is not! The fellow now feels as if he has to announce his retirement to the world as well. Next thing you know he'll be making videos of himself passing water or blowing off for the world to see. Thinks he's the bees knees just because he has been to the stars!

Well if you ask me the only stars this man is good for are porno stars! I mean just look at him! That moustache serves only one purpose, it's a porno moustache! Can't use it for anything else! This whole Astronaut jiggery-pokery was a front so Hadfield could get a shoe horn in to the pornography industry. It's a disgrace!

I mean in space a proper astronaut would have a handle-bar moustache for something to hold on to! You can’t float around up their without handles!

Porno

It's all down to pornography and not just for Hadfield! All the other Silly Billys floating around up there with nothing to do except gawp out of the windows and sing silly songs are in to it as well don cha know! Well why don't they just get on with it and get their clothes off and get it all over with instead of fart-arsing about pretending to want to be astronauts. Blasted layabouts or should that be floatabouts?

Astronaut Chris Hadfield: Commander?

Man in Command

Just seen a video of Commander Chris Hadfield singing David Bowie’s number one hit song entitled ‘Space Oddity’ on the International Space Station.

In it we see numerous shots of planet earth in all it’s resplendent glory, the moon, the International Space Station, from both inside and out, while Hadfield sings his merry ditty. On one occasion the man even seems to shed a tear.

Well these are not the attributes of a Commander if you ask me, they are more like the attributes of a Silly Billy! When I was in the Durham Light Infantry my Commander, Uncle 'Slasher' Ware-Armtage would get through at least two proles per day and that was of his own men! Now that’s what I call a commander!

I mean how many people had this Hadfield man shot on this mission? None! In my day a good mission wasn’t a good mission until we had lost at least half of the platoon, not prancing around weightlessly singing songs from popular culture! It’s a disgrace!

And as for singing, well the only songs we were allowed to sing were Colonel Bogey and God save the Queen. None of this namby-pamby wuss-encrusted pish-posh from this ill-moustachioed weightless ponce!

Gone are the days when a real commander would strap innocent men to the end of a cannon and blast their sorry entrails across vast swathes of occupied territory with impugnity. Gone are the days when we could strap high explosives to people's dogs, let them go, wait until the animal got back into its home and then detonate the lot, sending the occupants into oblivion! Gone are the days when we could shoot a man from afar, wait until a crowd had gathered around him to see if the chap was alright and then we would open up on them with the flame throwers. Gone are the days when a....


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Gay Marriage?

Husband

Just been reading about the campaign to extend the great institution of marriage!

Just what the hell is going on? This is lunacy! One is scarcely able to contain one's abhorrence! This is the end of the bloody world. Earthquakes, volcanoes, rabies and no more Neapolitan ice cream. What on earth are these people taking for God's sake? Doesn't anybody realise just how dangerous this is? It's a disgrace!

Can you imagine just what it will be like? It'll be an absolute shower! I mean picture the scene; two gay chappies living in the same house together, which one of them is going to make the dinner and do the washing up? Hey? Answer me that! And how are they going to differentiate between each others underpants? Hmm? Not to mention which one of them has to clean the lavatory after the other has shat in it!

And being a man I know perfectly well just what we are like. We are untidy and chaotic. So can you imagine what the living room will look like after a week? Magazines everywhere, uneaten food lying around, toenail clippings on the carpet and all this times two?! And which one of them is going to tidy it all up after the other eh? 

Wife

And that is not even the start, Which one of them is going to wear the wedding dress? And just who is supposed to carry who across the threshold when they get home after the wedding?

One supposes it will be the one not wearing the wedding dress. That would mean it has to be the heavier of the two who dresses up as the man. At least there is something different about the two that gives them something to say at the alter. Instead of 'I now pronounce you man and wife,' Now it will be 'I now pronounce you Man and Fatso.' Now we seem to be making some progress on this issue.

Boston Terrierist Attack: Conspiracy Theory

Boston Terrierst Attack

Been reading about the Boston Terrier Attack during the Marathon there on Sunday. Ghastly state of affairs don cha know.

Three people lost their lives in the attack and many more were injured, it's dreadful!

Great Auntie Fitzgibbon-Armitage used to have several Boston Terriers and they were quite friendly little bleeders one can tell you. So what possessed a group of them to go on the rampage during the Boston Marathon is beyond me?

Whilst Boston Terriers are clever little bastards one didn't think that they were capable of engineering a bomb! Obviously we have completely underestimated them. 

One did some research late last night after returning home from the pub (three bottles of an excellent Chablis.) From what I understand they have an entire global network organised and run by a certain Terrierist called Jack Russell and his gang called the Yorkshire Terrierists or something like that and it is the American Stafforshire Terrierist branch that is obviously responsible for Sunday's outrage.

International Terrierism is responsible for many an ill of the modern world and it is these Terrierists that have alot to answer for! But you just can't tell a good Terrier from a bad! So you never know if there is a Bad Terrierist in your midst! The answer? Well it's easy, round them all up and put them on an island in the Atlantic Ocean, preferably Labrador.

Abraham Lincoln: best actor

Lincoln's Portayal of Lewis

Congratulations to Abraham Lincoln for winning the Oscar for best actor in his role as Daniel Day-Lewis.

Apparently, this is the third time that Abraham Day-Lincoln has won an Oscar, something that has never been done before by a former President of the United States of America.

Lincoln’s performance as Day-Lewis, a character actor from Sidcup, shone through as the performance to beat. The film started with Night-Lewis’ life when he went into business as the owner of a very nice laundrette in Birmingham in 1978.

Rihanna: Start Violence Against Idiotic Men!

That's Right, Throttle him!!!

Just been reading about some bint called Rihanna. Apparently she and her last boyfriend, a violent man called Chris Brown.

Anyway Brown and Rihanna split up a while ago because he beat her up in a fit of mad passion according to her and then she left him. Her photographs were all over the newspapers and what have you with bruises and cuts and all that sort of thing.

What gets me is that in this last fortnight there has been a global campaign to end violence against women, yet in the same time she chooses to get back with Brown as she feels as though he is completely misunderstood.

And she is right... she has completely misunderstood him. You can't go around hitting people willy-nilly! What sort of society is it that tolerates that sort of nonsense? And who is she to tolerate that sort of nonsense too. 

If there is to be a global campaign to stop violence against women then at least those in the upper eschealons of the media world can set and example and join in! It's a disgrace!

There is only one thing to do with women like this, slap em around! That's the only sort of language they understand!

The Philadelphia Experiment: Conspiracy Theory

Proof: Real Photo of Invisible Destroyer

Just been reading about something called ’The Philadelphia Experiment' Sometimes known as [Project Rainbow' this is a conspiracy theory that simply can not go away.

Apparently, at the time of the end of the Second World War some American jonnies invented a story based around an actual Navy destroyer called the USS Eldridge.

USA Gun Laws: The Solution

Thought I'd give me tuppence worth regarding the current state of affairs in the United States of America about the gun laws. This debate crops up every few months or so  just after they have one of their massacres or killing sprees, usually of children, in a school or shopping mall, followed by long periods of inactivity.

The latest two sprees involved twenty-six people being mown down in the Sandy Hook high school in a place called Newtown, Connecticut and then a few days later some crafty jonny opened fire on the fire brigade after he lured them to a blaze which he had started.

After all this the organisation that advocates people carrying guns willy-nilly, the NAZIonal Rifle Association proposed an end to all this sort of thing by recommending more people carrying guns so then can shoot anybody that tries to shoot them first! Well that's all very well but how are small children supposed to carry an AK-47 or a Howitzer! One blast of the trigger from an automatic assault rifle and the child will fly backwards into the nearest wall, probably taking out several of their classmates aswell!  A silly idea but that is what the Nazional Rifle Association thinks will do the trick.

To this end I called their HQ and demanded to speak to one of the people in charge to tell them what a ridiculous idea it was. Of course my point of view was completely over his head and he threatened to shoot me if I ever contacted him again. Should have seen that coming.

So what is the answer to this conundrum? Well after a large glass of port the solution came to me in a flash! In fact it's so easy that one has already started celebrating with a bottle of Chambertin Rousillion de Vin Pays 1956!

It's simple, rather than shooting lots of school children, the executive members of the Nazional Rifle Association could be shot instead. With them being hoisted by their own petards the innate hypocracy of their argument will be revealed. It's the only sort of language that these people understand.

How Many Languages in the World?

Drone, Waffle, Blab, Bore, Natter and Crap!

Was walking along the high street yesterday when some fellow approached me with a look upon his countenance that was indicative of his wanting something from me. 

Seeing as it was around Christmas time I thought I would give the man the benefit of the doubt and at least listen to what the bleeder wanted. Well anyway he got up to me and muttered something incomprehensible.

Initially, one thought that he was a drunkard seeking to alleviate me of some of MY money. Well odds-bodkins one doesn't need that kind of thing at this time of the year! 

So before I had the chance to shoo the man away he muttered it again! But he wasn't slurring his words and also there was no sign of him having passed water in his undergarments. So one demanded that he repeat himself and he did. But one still couldn't get one's ear around what the fool was uttering and he muttered something more. 

One started to get irate with the man and demanded that he speak clearly. It was only as I was about to demand that that fool apologise to me for looking at me that I realised what was going on. The man was in fact not speaking English! He was speaking that other global language that everybody else speaks. Yes that's right he was just speaking foreign. Well those are the only languages I know of, English and Foreign. Realising this I looked at sorry fellow and tried to communicate with him that I couldn't speak foreign by shouting very loudly the following;

'NO SPEAK FOREIGN. YOU NOW SPEAK ENGLISH'

Of course the fool continued speaking foreign! I mean what is the world coming to? One would have thought that everyone in the world spoke English by now! But no by Jimeny they do not! So there was nothing left for me to do but to start thrashing the fellow. And rather than taking it like a man the utter coward ran away. And do you know what another fellow approached me a few minutes later also muttering in foreign! In fact all day I could hear the pagan swine muttering in foreign. 

That's the last time I go to Belgium for a weekend break.

Piers mOrgan Deportation Petition

Nazional Rifle Association

One has just read that there is a petition in the United States to get Piers Morgan deported.

The reason for this is because he spoke out in favour of a stricter gun control within the United States after the Connecticut shootings in which twenty-six people had had their brains splattered all over the place thus dying.

Cass Elliot: Conspiracy Theory

Mama Sandwich & Ham Elliot

One can confirm that Cass Elliot of the Mamas and Papas, that musical ensemble from 1960's California did not choke to death on a Ham Sandwich. No Sir by Jimeny she did not!

Common Legend has it that she did. This rumour started after the Old Bill had raided her abode after she hadn't answered the phone for a few days. As they barged in they found her on the carpet with a half eaten ham sandwich lying next to her body.

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Before and After

Television Detritus

It appears that being old and getting older is not only undesireable but is also unfashionable! Nonsense!

Numerous actors and that sort of detritus, like this nancy-boy on the right here, that appear on the telly, have taken to visiting the butcher and hacking large chunks of themselves off of their fatuous faces to try to make it look as though they are of a younger age. Codswallop! That's what I say. Codswallop! 

What's the matter with these people? Are they insecure? Frightened of getting old? Scared of dying? Worried that people won't look at them any longer? Well people are looking at this lot alright and for all the wrong reasons.

It's discrimination that's what it is! Downright ageism. In looking younger they think they are younger! Well they're not! They are just more stupid and out of touch with reality.

Just look at Melanie Griffiths for example. She seems to think that having her jaw permanently fixed further forward than her nose is attractive! No it isn't! It makes her resemble a damn fool

Lock Jaw

While this man known as carrot-top thinks that attaching electric wires to his wedding-tackle will improve his act. Err he may be right on that one though....

Electric Wires to wedding-tackle

While Micheal Jackson didn't even bother getting any surgery done he just hired an imposter to take his place and not a very good one at that!

Hire and Imposter?

While this complete shower, Gary Busey, has gone for the Startled-Rabbit-Caught-in-Car-Headlights look.

Should have electric wires attached to wedding-tackle

There's nothing wrong with getting old, looking old and being old. If this shower of people and many more of em besides, want to alter their appearance then it's not facelifts they need,  its a bullet through the head. That's the only sort of lanugage they understand.

Lance Armstrong: First Cyclist on the Moon

Apparent Evidence of Armstrong's Moon Landing

Writing to give my ha’penny’s worth about that tour-de-France steroid cheat Lance Armstrong and cycling obsessive.

He first came to prominence in the late 1960’s after being the first man to ride a bicycle on the moon.

After that his life took a turn for the worst as nobody believed he had ever even been in an aeroplane let alone outer space.

He proceeded to claim that he rode his bicycle around the world in eighty days and again nobody believed this.

In order to prove his credentials he contacted Freddie Mercury whereupon, according to him, produced a song with Freddie entitled ’I want to ride my bicycle.’ Regrettably nobody believed this either.

He then advised Norman Tebbit’s Dad to go and look for work on his bike in the early 1980’s. While this was good advice Tebbit Snr had been dead for many a year.

Later in that decade Armstrong claims to have been instrumental in teaching Michael Jackson how to walk on the moon. Alas Jackson refuted any claims from Armstrong regarding this matter stating categorically that he was playing with some children at that time.

Lacking somewhat in credibility Armstrong, pining for the days of gravitational shock waves, G-forces and floating weightless on his Raleigh Roadster decided to take control of his life. Yes he embarked on a course of performance enhancing drugs. The highs from these drugs were so extensive that he was over the moon at least three times a week.

He then cycled around France in the great tour six times winning each time. It was this credibility that finally gave him the self-worth he had been hankering for since his alleged moon landing.

Alas the performance enhancing drugs were his undoing as they were forbidden under normal gravitational conditions and his friend ’Buzz’ Aldrin, grassed him up to The Police whom Armstrong claims stole the lyrics to his song entitled ’Walking on the moon.’ This was strongly denied by Sting who’s songs were a load of old codswallop anyway.

Eventually the International Cycling Federation promptly took Armstrong’s titles away from him citing his stupidity as the main reason and his drug use.

Armstrong is currently at home near a small town called Charlton Heston writing his autobiography entitled ’On Yer Bike!’

David Sodding Blaine ! (Again)

Right Idea Blaine-Again.......

Oh for God’s sake it's that dreadful little oik of an attention-seeker David Blaine (Again.)

As per usual Blaine-Again is attempting to gain even more attention by showing us how clever he is (again.) This time by standing within the confines of a large electrical field, dressed as an idiot alledgedly putting his life in peril (again.)

Well you don’t need to be an supposed magician to pull a stunt like that, no Sir! What you need to be is one of the most insecure, lonely, boring, tedious, odious, monotonous, uninteresting, cloth-eared, swivel-eyed, fornicating little gits that have ever laid foot upon this earth.

Secret iPhone 5 Feature

It's a collect call!

You know that new iPhone 5 has an amazing feature on it that those clever fellows at Apple simply haven't told anyone about.

And the good thing is is that you don't even have to crack the damn thing to access this secret feature too, Incredible.

So what is this amazing feature? Well this is a good one. Those clever fellows at Apple made the iPhone 5 a little bit longer. They told journalists that this was to accommodate an extra layer of app iconographs but in reality this extension serves a greater purpose.

Justin Beleiber, Believer, Beiber Bieber Whateber!

Silly Little Boy

What in God’s name is a Belieber? It sounds like someone who doesn't drink enough alcohol! Maybe that's an imbiber?

We'll anyway it is supposed to be something to do with a dreadful little child called Justin Beiber or is that Beleeiber, Biebier, belieber... whateiber. This little blighter is only about eight years old yet lots of adults like him, sounds like pedophile fodder if you ask me.

Drug Addict Photos: Before and After!!

Heroin Addict Before.............. After

Just been reading about heroin and the effect it has on those whom consume it.

Apparently the fools that take this stuff are off their bloody rockers! Don't have a clue what is going on and are not able to care either. Kind of envy them in a way!

Anyway they become so deluded that they rapidly decline in terms of mental health and become so addicted that everything in their lives revolves around the acquisition of money to buy heroin, Kind of envy them in a way.

Addict: Sulkin Before....... After

The result is that these people lose their jobs, homes, friends and acquaintances. After that they turn to criminal activity such as mugging people and fraud.

Frequently they end up in gaol at the tax payers expense! So we are still giving them handouts!! Don't know about you but I bloody well had to work other people to the bone to get where I am today so it is pretty galling when I see this lot being spoiled by being thrown in goal or rehabilitation centres when they could easily be placed on a pile of manure. When will it all end? 

Addict: Winehouse Before..... After

But the worst thing about it is that simply increases the number of ugly people patrolling the streets! Who do they think they are? One has attached a few photos to look at to compare these people how they were before taking drugs and what they were like after. Its a disgrace!

It is clear that what these people need is help, care and assistance for their condition. I recommend more make-up. Failing that they could just simply put a bag on their head? And preferably a plastic one at that.