Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts

Monday, 21 September 2015

Ware-Armitage -v- The Borough of Slough

Traffic Warden
Slough, yes Slough this town has had it in for me for years don cha know! It all started 21st October 1975 when I parked my car for a few minutes to get myself a potato masher from the local Do-It-Yourself hardware shop on Dingwall Street. 

When I came out, with a rather dubious potato masher I hasten to add, a sodding Yellow Crested Parking Eagle had issued me with a parking ticket on behalf of the local borough council! I wasn't going to have that!! So I ran up to this animal and explained to it that the parking was an emergency and the potato masher was for Timmy, a small child who was confined to living in an isolation bubble, had not had a hug in three years and his previous potato masher had died after it had escaped into the polluted atmosphere of the Slough environs. That one nearly always wins but the bleedin Traffic Warden accused me of lying! Moir!? A liar!? Bloody disgrace! Well, admittedly it was a lie but that's not the point is it?! She said I was a liar!

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Moustache Breakdown: Ryan Pike

Superstructure
Moustaches, yes that's moustaches! Once the purview of the masses in the Western world it signified the end of childhood for a young man and the start of a career as canon fodder for the Great Imperial British military.

I tell you now that of all the myriad examples of Great British military incompetence and catastrophe at the very least all the men went down with a decent moustache across their face. No namby-pamby wishy-washy crippity-crappy clean shaven nonsense here I can tell you. No Sir by Jimeny No! 

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Toilet Paper Puzzler

Intellect
Take a look at this photo, I think anyone with a modicum of intellect will know what is going on here. 

Yes that's right are you an 'A' or a 'B'? Many people become very worked up over this matter so I thought it would be an excellent thing to clear it all up once and for all before rational human beings start killing each other.

Sunday, 17 May 2015

How to Cancel a Romantic Date

Stabbings
Going on a date is always very exiting, you just never know how much money will turn out to be in the other person's bank account. If you're really lucky you may actually like them too. However, occasionally it may be necessary to cancel the date at the last minute and that is never a good thing leading to resentment, bitterness, reprisals, vendettas and all too frequently, stabbings. 

Sunday, 5 April 2015

How to Defend Yourself Against a Street Urchin

Martial Arts
Right so I was minding my own business walking along the high street the other day when I was apprehended by a man asking for directions to the nearest McDonalds public toilet facility that these days has a restaurant selling hot food attached to them. 

It was very clear to me, right from the moment he approached me that he was going to try to take my wallet away from me and thus my fiver named Colin, serial number KJ89 479000. How did I know this? Well the first clue was that he had a hood over his head thus concealing his face. Why would anybody want to conceal their face unless they were trying to avoid recognition or were demented. 

Sunday, 29 March 2015

April Showers Back Up Plan

Baked Beans
Right then, it's that time of year again, April! Yes April that time of year here in Great Britain where one minute it's sunny and the next minute it is throwing it down with rain, hail, snow sometimes and wind.

This happens every year and it is not the best time to make arrangements for things outside such as a gala function, a regatta, cricket match or some kind of social function in a country pub car park, if you know what I mean. Whatever you arrange there will be a 50 percent chance that it will rain and you will have to cancel or postpone your arrangement. 

So imagine you have arranged a day out but you find yourself having to cancel at the last moment, what do you do? Well I've devised a tip-top emergency plan to keep yourself entertained in just such an instance. You will need the following:-

Sunday, 22 February 2015

NHS Winter Meltdown

Freezing Cold Journos (Please don't laugh aloud)
NHS (National Health Service) waiting times have shot up during the winter period here in the UK as a direct consequence of financial cuts. "We're just completely unable to cope "said one nurse at an unnamed Accident and Emergency unit in Stafford, "it's fucking shit," she added. Regrettably this just seems to be the tip of the iceberg. 

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Cross Dresser Closet Conundrum.

Right then, it's only the sixth day of the new year and already I'm having problems at Ware-Armitage Munitions Inc.

You may recall Ware-Armitage Munitions Inc is a defence industry manufacturer for all domestic and external needs that need defending against things attacking your defences.

Well that's enough of that. So here on the sixth day of the new year one stinker of an employee had tried to go and shaft everything at my expense. I reckon it was deliberate myself but due to me being very clever I outsmarted the bleeder him.

Friday, 28 November 2014

Black Friday Spreads to UK

Black Friday Victim
Just been reading about that dreaded sickness called 'Black Friday" arriving in the UK!

The sickness started in the United States of America in 1961 in Philadelphia where people went mad on the day after the Thanksgiving holiday.

The Black Friday sickness is spread by contact with consumer goods. Most particularly virulent is with consumer electronic goods but can just as easily be spread through white goods, fashion items and cheese sandwiches.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Ridiculous Smoking Ban in Public Parks!

Banned!
Right then! Do you see this photograph? do you? Do you see anything wrong with it? Do you see a war crime being committed? 

No! Well neither do I but what's happing in this photograph will soon become an historic anachronism if a bunch of, loons stalking the corridors of power have their way! 

What Lord Ara Kharzi of the London Health Commission is trying to do is to ban smoking outdoors in public parks, beaches, outdoor swimming pools, outdoor sex parties and zebra crossings all over Greater London area in order to make everybody healthier. It's a disgrace!

Thursday, 28 August 2014

Organic Food

Right then, there seems to be a terrible hullabaloo these days about organic foods. Apparently a lot of
modern foodstuffs are industrially produced over-salted, over-sweetened petrochemicals that, whilst taste quite delicious, are in fact no more nutritious than a cold shower

This all means that what we eat is slowly killing large percentages of the population which is generally frown upon. Also manufacturers of these 'foods' are getting away with it, disgraceful, and also making a lot of money in the process, umm..

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Bum Implants


Stands In Front of Walls
By Berlusconi's balls what is the world coming to? Just look at this photograph? This person has had surgical thingybobs implanted into her buttocks to try to enhances her attractiveness. 

I'm sorry but who is she trying to attract with an enhanced arse? There are only two things that I know of that shows any interest in an arse. The first are the hounds, while the second is the minstrel Elton John so what's the point?

One supposes that may be in winter time the lavatory seat gets a trifle chilly so the buttock implants would cushion the more tender parts from the cold, in which case that isn't a bad idea especially if one could attach a battery to each implant and warm it up a tad.

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Need of a Psychologist?

A Psychologist
One has recently become aware that one's neighbours have been avoiding me and that they, in all probability can't stand the sight of me! Very strange!

One first realised this a fortnight ago when, upon entering the local pub to use the toilets the clientèle immediately exited the establishment. This has actually been happening for the last fifteen years but one has only just put two and two together.

Sunday, 23 February 2014

How to Help A Man in Quicksand.

Speaks English
Quicksand! Yes quicksand its everywhere and you never know when you may find yourself caught in it or indeed stumble across a fellow up to his waist in it and unable to get out without assistance.

So I've come up with this marvellous strategy to follow in order to deal with a chap, any chap, who finds themselves sinking and needs help.

So imagine you turn a corner off your local high street and right before you is a man quickly sinking in quicksand and is calling for help. Let's imagine he has a name, err... off the top of my head let's call him Piers mOrgan. What's the first thing to do?

Sunday, 3 November 2013

S.P.W.A. is a Patron of Charity

Unphoto-shopped brat in street
As one gets older one finds that one puts the world around one in a greater context and realises that there is more to life than resenting having to pay servants, (Assuming they even at least try to do a bit of blasted work that is.)

To this end one has decided to sponsor a charity for the purposes of feeding lower orders around the world. Typically the particular lower order is the one that is too disorganised to get the shopping in, afford servants, eat with a knife and fork and all that sort of thing. I mean look at this completely genuine, unphoto-shopped photograph of a poor little beggar whose handwriting is nothing like mine.


Sunday, 29 September 2013

Assisted Suicide, Stephen Hawking & One's Own Experience

Just been reading an article on the BBC website about a science boffin called Stephen Hawking who thinks that helping people to kill themselves is morally acceptable. This is more commonly known as 'Assisted Suicide' 

Hawking was partially spurned to write this as his own condition is not all that tickety-boo from having sat idly in a chair all his life. One is not too happy-go-lucky about this subject feeling that life is for living and that any chance a person has of keeping hold of it should be embraced and all that sort of thing.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Admiral Nelson Mandela: Discharge

Discharge
Just heard on the wireless that Admiral Nelson Mandela has been sent home following his discharge from hospital. 

This is disgusting! I don't know about you but whenever I discharge anything I want to throw it away and be done with. Blow my nose, wipe my huge, hairy, malodorous backside, vomit and stuff from other parts of the body

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Badger Cull in England

Cull: Another One Bites the Dust
Just been reading all the hoo-haa surrounding  the government cull that started just a few days ago.

The cull itself is for the purposes of preventing the spread of T.B. in cattle and maybe a few other dreadful little nasties throughout the rest of the countryside.

The disease T.B. is an airborne one and cattle catch it simply by breathing in the bacteria. Once they have got it they suffer a slow and agonising death and it is only in the best interests of the beasties if the farmer puts a bullet through their heads! 

Culling the disease by killing its host carrier, claim farmers,

Friday, 5 July 2013

Bird Flu 'H5N1': Conspiracy Theory

Bird Flu
Just been reading about that alleged Bird Flu Virus called H5-N1. Apparently it has passed but a new strain, called H7-N1 is on its way and some boffins are concerned that it is going to bring about the destruction of mankind.

Now some people think that that's a bad thing, others may quite like the idea, I don't know. So don't bally-well come to me asking for an answer on that one. Anyway, one decided to familiarise oneself with current goings on about the subject and looked at a documentary about the thing last night with a bottle of shabbers to accompany one whilst inwardly digesting the arguments. By the time the documentary was over one was able to conclude that the whole thing is a load of tosh.

H5 N1
I mean this H5-N1 isn't even a virus. It's a silly little, dustbin shaped robot that goes 'beep boop waaa waaah' every now and then. How can it possibly bring about the destruction of mankind? Even it's friend, another silly nancy-boy of a Robot called C3-P0 is completely incapable of doing anything remotely destructive.

This is one of the worst conspiracy theories I have ever encountered. I could have shat a better theory than this and with my eyes closed too.


Wednesday, 3 July 2013

S.P.W.A: Life and Afterlife

Legacy
As one gets on a bit one has to start thinking about how one is going to leave this earth, what to leave to whom and also one's legacy. 

Whilst a trifle morbid these things are a fact of life and one has to find a way to come to terms with how much of a loss one will be to everyone once one has gone. To pass away peacefully with serenity and tranquility is much desired and is also a way for those close to one to come to terms with the moment of passing. Indeed some set aside some finances to help with a charitable fund of some nature or install a bench in a local park for others to sit and ponder life's meaning.

Well not me! When I die I'm going to take as many people with me as I can. Why should I be the one to die? I've paid my blasted taxes to the blasted Government for my whole blasted life so they can jolly well get their act together and find a blasted cure. I didn't drop bombs on working class people in the East End during the war only to leave this planet with the job undone.

No if I die then the blasted servants will be coming with me for a start! I've had to pay their wages for years! And that strike their on, now is in it's second year, well, they won't have anyone to pay em anything if I snuff it tomorrow!  And then there is that rotter of a son of mine Cuthbert Ware-Armitage. That perishing little shit has been extracting money from me since the day he was born and I'm damn well going to see to it that he doesn't get a penny after I've gone.

In fact I've left instructions that if I die then all my money is to be burned and all my property blown up so nobody can get a hold of it, especially the government! Then all my land is to be napalmed, sprayed with Agent Orange and then dug up and dumped in the sea. Nobody's getting a thing out of me!

And then I've ordered all the people responsible for burning my cash and blowing up my property to be shot. And then to have those people shot too. And then have their houses and streets bombed and erased from the face of the...


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