Thursday, 29 November 2012

Cricket & the Maasai Mara

Post-Testicle Thwacking
Just been reading about a project by the World Cricket Federation that has introduced the game of cricket to the Masai Mara, a tribe of people in Africa

The idea is to use the sport to help address pertinent issues to the local tribespeople that affect their daily lives. In their case it’s things like A.I.D.S. drought, H.I.V. genital mutilation, gender issues wine tasting and all that sort of hullababoo.

One is in favour of all this sort of thing as they these people make the most atrocious wine.

So how will the organisers do it using the sport of cricket. One couldn't honestly fathom it especially in terms of stuffl like genital mutilation and the A.I.D.S. epidemic. After long considered thought one has come up with how they will do it.

It's simple, for example in reference to drought you simply tell them all that if they don’t conserve water then they get the cricket bat wrapped around their head. In terms of genital mutilation you just tell em that the next person that gets their genitals mutilated gets a thwack in the testicles with the same cricket bat.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

David Shayler Trapped Inside the Body of David Shayler

Someone inside the body of someone else
Look at this. This is David Shayler, the former MI5 civil servant who blubbed about UK government secrets to the press. Clearly with nowhere to go with his life since that episode he has gone into himself to do some soul searching. And what did he find? He found that he was one of those people who are one member of a genital group who thinks they are trapped inside the body of the opposite genital group.

In fact the condition doesn't even have a medical name and the default tital 'Woman trapped inside a Man's body' is merely a fa├žon de parler.

Well one doesn't get it! If this is the case why can't he just try on an appropriate pair of genitally grouped underpants and be done with? And that goes for the lot of em!

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Cass Elliot: Conspiracy Theory

Mama Sandwich & Ham Elliot
One can confirm that Cass Elliot of the Mamas and Papas, that musical ensemble from 1960's California did not choke to death on a Ham Sandwich. No Sir by Jimeny she did not!

Common Legend has it that she did. This rumour started after the Old Bill had raided her abode after she hadn't answered the phone for a few days. As they barged in they found her on the carpet with a half eaten ham sandwich lying next to her body.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Before and After

Television Detritus
It appears that being old and getting older is not only undesireable but is also unfashionable! Nonsense!

Numerous actors and that sort of detritus, like this nancy-boy on the right here, that appear on the telly, have taken to visiting the butcher and hacking large chunks of themselves off of their fatuous faces to try to make it look as though they are of a younger age. Codswallop! That's what I say. Codswallop! 

What's the matter with these people? Are they insecure? Frightened of getting old? Scared of dying? Worried that people won't look at them any longer? Well people are looking at this lot alright and for all the wrong reasons.

It's discrimination that's what it is! Downright ageism. In looking younger they think they are younger! Well they're not! They are just more stupid and out of touch with reality.

Just look at Melanie Griffiths for example. She seems to think that having her jaw permanently fixed further forward than her nose is attractive! No it isn't! It makes her resemble a damn fool

Lock Jaw

While this man known as carrot-top thinks that attaching electric wires to his wedding-tackle will improve his act. Err he may be right on that one though....
Electric Wires to wedding-tackle

While Micheal Jackson didn't even bother getting any surgery done he just hired an imposter to take his place and not a very good one at that!
Hire and Imposter?

While this complete shower, Gary Busey, has gone for the Startled-Rabbit-Caught-in-Car-Headlights look.
Should have electric wires attached to wedding-tackle

There's nothing wrong with getting old, looking old and being old. If this shower of people and many more of em besides, want to alter their appearance then it's not facelifts they need,  its a bullet through the head. That's the only sort of lanugage they understand.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Pompeii. Remarkable City

Decided to pop into Pompeii last week whilst I was down in those parts, on a wine excursion. Pompeii (or Pompers) is the famous town that was buried in a huge volcanic eruption from Mount Versuvius in A.D. 49, just after tea-time.

The place was buried so fast that the locals were not able to get away in time and were buried alive, burned and scorced to death in the most unimaginable of pains. A by-product of the super searing death they met was that the scalding ash effectively preserved them all in time at the moment they were buried. By a quirk of fate Archeologists have been able to make plaster casts of the bodies left by these people.

The screaming agony was to our benefit as the casts of their bodies give a clear insight into life at the time and one can say not much has changed. Take this first photo for instance. This chap was clearly blotto on Gin and Tonic and was unable to get up off the floor. One can even still see the bottle in his hand.

Blotto


 Whilst in this second photo this chap's wife had obviously buggered off with the man next door as he was probably rubbish in the bedroom department.

Bedroom Department


And just look at this one who clearly deserved to burn as he was unable to descern the difference between a toilet and wooden box!
Toilet


Yes well as I said not much has changed......

Complete Twat?

Friday, 9 November 2012

Baumgartner

Take a Running Jump!
Just been reading abouut Felix Baumgartner. This chap came to global notoriety as the first chappie to skydive from a one-chap podule 36km up in the high reaches of earth’s atmosphere. He broke several records including the first chap to go at supersonic speed unassisted by any jiggery-pokery or what have you.

Well anyway the bleeder has just been fined £1500 for hitting a Greek lorry driver in a foreign country.

What sort of person does that sort of thing? Just because he’s broken the sound barrier doesn’t mean he can go round hitting people, no sir by Jimeny it does not!

It’s a disgrace! Time and time again we see people becoming famous and as a consequence they go around breaking social norms and flouting conventions of society like passing water on small children, vomiting on policemen and all that sort of thing.

Everybody knows that hitting people is dangerous, if you're not careful you can break the bones in your wrist! What Baumgartner should have done was thrash the man. Preferably with a horse-whip. It’s much safer as the impact isn't absorbed by your own personage.

I mean if Baumgartner isn't able to do something as simple as this the fool can go and take a running jump!