How to Combat Post Referendum Bitterness

Referendum

Ware-Armitage here. Yes the EU referendum is over and done with now and the result was a win for those who want Britain to go it's own way in the world.

I, personally, voted to stay in the EU because that way less people would have the chance to become richer than me and there is nothing worse in this world than someone with more money than one. These people make me want to throw up all over the floor.

Anyway, a lot of the good peasants of this land are naturally a trifle unhappy with the result and are in a state of disappointment, confusion, worry and incontinence. So I have come up with a tip-top piece of advice that will help anybody overcome post EU-referendum blues

Ware-Armitage -v- The Borough of Slough

Traffic Warden

Slough, yes Slough this town has had it in for me for years don cha know! It all started 21st October 1975 when I parked my car for a few minutes to get myself a potato masher from the local Do-It-Yourself hardware shop on Dingwall Street. 

When I came out, with a rather dubious potato masher I hasten to add, a sodding Yellow Crested Parking Eagle had issued me with a parking ticket on behalf of the local borough council! I wasn't going to have that!! So I ran up to this animal and explained to it that the parking was an emergency and the potato masher was for Timmy, a small child who was confined to living in an isolation bubble, had not had a hug in three years and his previous potato masher had died after it had escaped into the polluted atmosphere of the Slough environs. That one nearly always wins but the bleedin Traffic Warden accused me of lying! Moir!? A liar!? Bloody disgrace! Well, admittedly it was a lie but that's not the point is it?! She said I was a liar!

Quantitative Easing: An Explanation

Quantitative Easing

Quantitative Easing, yes that's right Quantitative Easing, just what the blazes is it? I frequently have disappointing people approaching me in the street asking me such questions. You may recall an earlier post in which I described one such disappointment asking me in his dialect "Oi you fahckin cahnt why don chew fahck orff!!' Unfortunately I didn't have a translator handy so his question was lost to the wind. But I digress!
So what is Quantitative Easing I hear you say. I don't know about you but I have trouble spelling the blasted thing let alone having to explain it. Nevertheless, after much personal research I have managed to get to grips with it and will now attempt to explain it through analogy. 




If you wish to replicate my explanation yourself at home with your family you will need the following;

An Economy
This is best represented through the use of a person. Economies are rather organic in their nature and not very scientific at all despite what economists tell you so a person fits the bill perfectly. I used five of these 'people.'

A Bank
Yes quantitative easing is all about those friendly, fascist, rip-orff, shitbags posing as nice institutions who look after your money so it is imperative to have them represented in this simulation. Again banks are just like people in that once they get hold of money they will fight to the death to keep hold of it no matter who they take down with em. For this simulation I suggest using a barman.

Money
Yes money. Money has been described as, "The perfect liquid asset" and with this in mind I think a liquid makes good sense too. For this analogy I lined up several dozen few bottles of gin.

The Bank of England
Obviously at the top of the pile this is the major player and it is imperative to get this in somewhere otherwise your simulation will be open to ridicule and we don't want any of that sort of thing do we. For this simulation I used a distillery
Right so simply place your barman behind a bar at a discreet distance, may be cleaning the glasses, you know the sort of thing and get your 'economy' to inflow the first 'money.' The 'Economy' is very pleased with this and therefore they all offer the 'bank' some of the 'money' as a sign of their contentment. Obviously not much happens here and in this case that reflects a perfectly healthy economic situation. The barman is happy polishing the glasses and enjoying a little drinkie and the 'economy' is happy has it has received an 'inflow.' Marvellous.

This inflow process carries on until both the 'Economy' (the people) and the 'bank' (the barman) are absolutely plastered out of their heads and I'm talking really gone here. No light tipsiness or feeling a little woozy, no sir! I really mean it! Soused, blotto, planked, totally and utterly newscasted.

Bank of England 

This situation represents the current economic crisis with both the 'economy' AND 'the bank' of no value at all to anyone. This is where 'the bank of england' (the distillery) steps in to quantitatively easy the situation to bring about a more healthy economy. You see what happens is that with both the 'economy' AND the 'bank' totally incapacitated, the owners of the distillery start shitting themselves as nobody has the ability to get their wallets out of their pockets due to their plasterediness nor even stand up straight. With nobody drinking their gin they will go bust, will have to sell their homes, move in to a council house thus leading to unhappiness which leads to depression and we all know what that leads to. Yes that's right global thermonuclear war and we don't want that do we?!

So this is where the quantitative easing comes in. The distillery (not wanting to end up in council run accomodation) starts distilling, or printin, more and more of its 'money' and simply hands it over to the barman to distribute to the 'economy' The idea being that with lots of free and cheap 'money' floating around everybody will eventually get bored of drinking it, start sobering up thus will be able to put their hands in their wallets and start eventually paying for the booze thus stimulating the 'economy' again and everything will be great.

What actually happens though is that with all that free 'money' flowing in to the pub the barman (bank) simply starts drinking the lot for himself and his chums and starts using it to pay for vast swathes of land and property across the globe for his own selfish bleeding greed and gluttony leaving the 'economy' completely starved of any 'money' at all.

The moral of this analogy? If you want to rob a bank just go and bloody work for one.

UK Party Leaders: Their Last Drink?

Member of the Electorate

Right then! So over the course of the last five weeks me and my 'squad' have endeavoured to establish just what the five UK party leaders' last drink would be if they had to face a firing squad first thing in the morning.

Now, I didn't enjoy doing this very much but I felt that there was a need to actually get right to the bottom of things about what makes em really tick. Because they are all politicos a simple direct question such as 'What makes you tick?' would be simply batted away under a load of old waffle! 

So, me and the 'squad' diligently set about kidnapping each and every one of em, putting em against a wall and going through the motions of a mock execution and recording what they all wanted to sup before a few final words and all that sort of thing. Once they'd had their drink and said all their gubbins we let em go and escorted them back to their hotels or wherever they had been without any harm coming to em at all.

Which UK Political Leader is the Best in a Punch Up?

Cleggers

Right then, as part of my UK political leaders portfolio I have cut right through the waffle and have sought to come up with the questions that really matter. Between now and election day I'm going to address the important issues that really matter. You may remember that a few days ago I studied Cammers' wind breakage abilities. Today's question is 

Which Political leader would you want on your side in a punch up? 

First up Cleggers, yes Cleggers! Cleggers is in the centre ground so has an unfortunate propensity to understand other people's feelings and emotions. Well that's hardly going to be any good in a pub brawl now is it? Speaking five languages holds an excellent advantage over adversaries in a Euro-brawl as he will be able to tune in to their communications and pre-empt any out-flanking moves shouted across a pub or bar. Ultimately his use would be good as intelligence gathering but in a straight jab to the face his value is pretty low. I'd give him 5 out of 10 on the Prescott scale.

UK Political Leaders: What you really need to know.

Thrust, Sound, Mass, Volume Odour, Directional Ability and Storage

Right then! There is a general election coming here in what remains of the United Kingdom and naturally people have been approaching me in the street and asking me for my slant on the National party leaders.

How to Derail an Armed E.U. Power Grab in Your Local Community Library

Ferrero Rocher

Right so the European Union loves taking control of things. They just can't help themselves don cha know!

Typically, they like taking control of things that don't belong to them, especially successful things. The more successful the thing is the more they love taking control of it. Now that's all very well and good but what gets me is that once they've taken control of the successful thing they immediately cock the thing up and give it away to people. They are obviously completely loopy! 

How to Reduce Unemployment.

Posterior

Right so unemployment is high again and all the politicos are desperately hunting for ways to bring the figures down. Well why don't they get their act together and ask me what I would do?

Yes that's right 'ask me what I would do.' Many a young turk thinks that I am some sort of clot who barely knows how lavatory paper is applied correctly. Well while that may be the case I am also in the fortunate position of having enough money to pay somebody to apply it to my rather magnificent posterior on my behalf. Now who's laughing?

Police: Syria Girls Negligence

Do you want my number!

One of the fathers of the three silly little school girls who ran away to Syria has rounded on the police for not doing their job properly.

The father of Amira Abase stated that his daughter was a good daughter and it wasn't her shitting fault she thought it would be a GOOD idea to go the Islamic State controlled area where gays are defenestrated, foreigners beheaded, ancient artefacts destroyed and killing those with whom you have a differing opinion is acceptable.

When asked who he thought was responsible for his daughter's actions his response was unequivocal, 'It's the police,' he said, if they had been monitoring HIS daughter she may well still have been with him and instead someone else's silly daughter's father would be sitting where he was blaming the police instead.

NHS Winter Meltdown

Freezing Cold Journos (Please don't laugh aloud)

NHS (National Health Service) waiting times have shot up during the winter period here in the UK as a direct consequence of financial cuts. "We're just completely unable to cope "said one nurse at an unnamed Accident and Emergency unit in Stafford, "it's fucking shit," she added. Regrettably this just seems to be the tip of the iceberg. 

How to Prevent Hatred on Twitter and Facebook

Trouble-Making

Right then! There appears to be a lot of hatred and negativity on the internet these days about anything that is possible to be hateful against. Typically it always seems to be focussed on people of different religious beliefs, cultures and nationalities. This hatred is usually characterised by the differences between people rather than what we have in common. It's a disgrace!

Tip-Top Counter-Terrorism Plan

Sainsbury's

Right so I was eating breakfast in bed this morning, smoked kippers and champagne as a matter of fact when I had this tip-top wonderful idea to prevent those sexually frustrated terrorists attacking and destroying public buildings and famous monuments, like the attacks in New York on the World Trade Centre way back in 2001. In fact my idea was so splendid that I fancy it can be applied to any major city throughout the civilized world facing this sort of threat. It's also fast, cheap and easy to implement. This one's going to be a winner I can tell you!

Right then, down to business, first thing to do is to locate your city that is under threat say for example London. Once you've done that you will need to evacuate the place. This must be done pretty sharpish as if these terrorist twits get wind of your plan they may be inclined to make a pre-emptive move thus rendering your plan very silly and you don't want that happening. I fancy the evacuation should take no more than four hours, anyone left in the city after that is probably on drugs anyway so who's going to notice if they have left or not?

Terrorism in Paris

Errorists

There was error in Paris as extremists brought fear and panic to the streets. 'I awoke in the morning and it was just an ordinary day but by the time it had finished there was fear, panic and error everywhere.' said one Paris resident.

What had started as an ordinary day finished with thousands of journalists from all over the world, except the Islamic State spreading fear, panic, lies exaggeration and error.

How to Prevent ILLEGAL Immigration.

Plague

Right then! One is fed up with the subject of illegal immigration! It's all been blown out of proportion and hardly anybody knows what to do about it and any time someone proffers a solution then some arse comes up with a counter-argument resulting in nothing happening! It's a disgrace!

Black Friday Spreads to UK

Black Friday Victim

Just been reading about that dreaded sickness called 'Black Friday" arriving in the UK!

The sickness started in the United States of America in 1961 in Philadelphia where people went mad on the day after the Thanksgiving holiday.

The Black Friday sickness is spread by contact with consumer goods. Most particularly virulent is with consumer electronic goods but can just as easily be spread through white goods, fashion items and cheese sandwiches.

Latest Eurozone Forecast Results

 Growth Forecast 

Results just released this morning show disappointing results from both France and Germany over the third quarter. Both countries have been affected by the economic slow down that has brought havoc across the Eurozone. 

In total Germany has seen only a 0.1% rise in news stories worthy of talking about which, in practical terms means a total of 10,352 news stories across the media in the third quarter. Meanwhile in France news stories have done better than expected at 0.3% for the same period equating to nearly 17,645 different news stories.

Women only Carriages on the Metro?

Right then! I've had to endure the loonacy of listening to the radio and people blabbing on about the most ridiculous notion. It all centres around the idea of women-only-carriages on underground train stations. 

The idea has been proposed by an MP (who else could invent such a thing) called Claire Perry who is also a transport minister. The idea behind it is due to the ever increasing abuse that women suffer at the hand of arses to cowardly to start on someone their own size.

Solution to one of Middle East Matters

250 yards south of Ashford Bypass

Right then, there's an ongoing conflict in The Levant don cha know between Israelites and Palestinians  that doesn't appear to have any light at the end of its tunnel. Apparently this conflict has been going on for the last twenty billion years and with the exception of the bloodthirsty media, people want it brought to an end. 

How to deal with Religious People (who have a gun at your head)

Heaven or Piers mOrgan?

Right then, there appears to be an awful lot of hoo-haa going on these days with religious matters and what have you.

One doesn't really partake in this sort of thing as, like art, there are no right or wrong answers, just those with guns and those without!

Second Giraffe to Have a "J.F.K." in Denmark

Giraffe Strikes Back

Can't believe this! Not content with putting a bullet through the head of one giraffe in Copenhagen Zoo another Danish Zoo, this time, one called Jyllands Park Zoo, in Western Denmark is also going to do the same with of one of it's giraffes also called Marius. This constitutes giraffocide?

I don't know about you but if I was a giraffe called Marius living in Denmark I would pack my bags and leave pronto! So what is going on? Well the reason they want to give this second giraffe the "J.F.K." is the same as the first: EU regulations.