Sunday, 30 December 2012

USA Gun Laws: The Solution

Thought I'd give me tuppence worth regarding the current state of affairs in the United States of America about the gun laws. This debate crops up every few months or so  just after they have one of their massacres or killing sprees, usually of children, in a school or shopping mall, followed by long periods of inactivity.

The latest two sprees involved twenty-six people being mown down in the Sandy Hook high school in a place called Newtown, Connecticut and then a few days later some crafty jonny opened fire on the fire brigade after he lured them to a blaze which he had started.

After all this the organisation that advocates people carrying guns willy-nilly, the NAZIonal Rifle Association proposed an end to all this sort of thing by recommending more people carrying guns so then can shoot anybody that tries to shoot them first! Well that's all very well but how are small children supposed to carry an AK-47 or a Howitzer! One blast of the trigger from an automatic assault rifle and the child will fly backwards into the nearest wall, probably taking out several of their classmates aswell!  A silly idea but that is what the Nazional Rifle Association thinks will do the trick.

To this end I called their HQ and demanded to speak to one of the people in charge to tell them what a ridiculous idea it was. Of course my point of view was completely over his head and he threatened to shoot me if I ever contacted him again. Should have seen that coming.

So what is the answer to this conundrum? Well after a large glass of port the solution came to me in a flash! In fact it's so easy that one has already started celebrating with a bottle of Chambertin Rousillion de Vin Pays 1956!

It's simple, rather than shooting lots of school children, the executive members of the Nazional Rifle Association could be shot instead. With them being hoisted by their own petards the innate hypocracy of their argument will be revealed. It's the only sort of language that these people understand.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

How Many Languages in the World?

Drone, Waffle, Blab, Bore, Natter and Crap!
Was walking along the high street yesterday when some fellow approached me with a look upon his countenance that was indicative of his wanting something from me. 

Seeing as it was around Christmas time I thought I would give the man the benefit of the doubt and at least listen to what the bleeder wanted. Well anyway he got up to me and muttered something incomprehensible.

Initially, one thought that he was a drunkard seeking to alleviate me of some of MY money. Well odds-bodkins one doesn't need that kind of thing at this time of the year! 

So before I had the chance to shoo the man away he muttered it again! But he wasn't slurring his words and also there was no sign of him having passed water in his undergarments. So one demanded that he repeat himself and he did. But one still couldn't get one's ear around what the fool was uttering and he muttered something more. 

One started to get irate with the man and demanded that he speak clearly. It was only as I was about to demand that that fool apologise to me for looking at me that I realised what was going on. The man was in fact not speaking English! He was speaking that other global language that everybody else speaks. Yes that's right he was just speaking foreign. Well those are the only languages I know of, English and Foreign. Realising this I looked at sorry fellow and tried to communicate with him that I couldn't speak foreign by shouting very loudly the following;

'NO SPEAK FOREIGN. YOU NOW SPEAK ENGLISH'

Of course the fool continued speaking foreign! I mean what is the world coming to? One would have thought that everyone in the world spoke English by now! But no by Jimeny they do not! So there was nothing left for me to do but to start thrashing the fellow. And rather than taking it like a man the utter coward ran away. And do you know what another fellow approached me a few minutes later also muttering in foreign! In fact all day I could hear the pagan swine muttering in foreign. 

That's the last time I go to Belgium for a weekend break.

Friday, 28 December 2012

Piers mOrgan Deportation Petition

Nazional Rifle Association
One has just read that there is a petition in the United States to get Piers Morgan deported.

The reason for this is because he spoke out in favour of a stricter gun control within the United States after the Connecticut shootings in which twenty-six people had had their brains splattered all over the place thus dying.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Merry Christmas, One and All.

Merry Christmas/Easter
See this picture? One feels that, since there is an economic crisis, it would be wise to set an example to all those out there without money and show how one would go about economising on things if one were in the same situation.

So to that end one's good friend and all round Bon Vivant Lord Michael Brown of Vancouver, Canada has designed this Christmas/Easter card combo. It captures both the essence of Easter and the joy of Christmas.

Furthermore, one can keep it on the mantelpiece for at least four months, depending on when Easter falls next year of course.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Good Christmas Deed for the Day

I am a Truely Generous Man
You know one of the good things about being me is that I sometimes surprise even myself with my generosity of spirit and the like.

Take today for example. I was moseying down the street in a cheerful mood when I saw this decrepit wretch begging for money whilst sitting on the cold, wet floor. The man was a pathetic sight and also smelled of a combination of dried urine and congealed urine. Truely dreadful. Not only that but he was wearing a trenchcoat and walking boots!! Can you imagine that?

Nevertheless, the Christmas spirit has taken a hold of one and the cheer has permeated it's way into one's heart and all that sort of thing.

So I approached the chappie with a big smile upon my face and went and told him what my Christmas menu was going to be along with the winelist.

He muttered some incomprehensible gibberish so I told him that he needed to be grateful to God just for the pleasure of being alive. After all isn't life worth living for the sake of living it?

I then stopped some passer by and persuaded the man to give some money to the wretch on the floor. Life is truely wonderful don cha know.

Sunday, 16 December 2012

Youth of Today!

Male? Female? Get them to vomit!
Egads Man! One was out last night in the centre of the little town of Charlton Heston whereupon I came across some young people socialising in the street.
   
One noticed that half the young chaps had their trousers so low as to make their underpants visible to the world at large! It’s a disgrace!

The ladies were a different kettle of fish! They actually concealed their underwear beneath their pantaloons. One seems to recall that it used to be almost the other way around! Ridiculous!

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Sir Patrick Moore: An Obituary

Sir Patrick Moore as 007
Just read the sad news that Sir Patrick Moore, the first astronomer to portray James Bond has sadly died at the age of 89

Moore was borne in England on the 4th March 1923 under the star sign of Sagittarius. He regarded this as poppycock and maintained to his dying days that he was in fact born under a cherry tree.

After joining the RAF in the Second World War he developed a strong interest in spy-glasses and spies.

After the end of the war he put both these interests together and auditioned for the role of James Bond after Sean Connery started pantomime at the Brixton academy. Moore’s first film as the heroic super spy was ‘Live and Let Die’

While the film received critical and commercial success Moore was dissatisfied in the part. He went into some kind of depression and started doing his homework from Mrs Shufflebottom’s maths class way back in April 1937. It was this that gave him inspiration to look at the moon through his telescope.

In particular he became an expert in the far side of the moon and worked together with Pink Floyd on one of their albums.

This gave him inspiration to write a screenplay to the next James Bond film entitled Moonraker. Moore was in his element again and loved every moment of the shooting. Moore changed his name to Roger after this and then changed it back again to Patrick.

Among his acquaintances were Yuri Gagarin; the first man in space, Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player on the moon and finally Orville Wright the first man to have his flies undone for more then twenty yards. All of these men Moore had personally kicked in the testicles after lulling them into a false sense of security by giving them some of his mother’s treacle pudding.

A great man, astronomer and actor. He shall be greatly missed.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Nostradamus

Couldn't predict how shit his predictions
were going to be.
Was listening to the wireless whilst motoring down to Chepstow yesterday afternoon when this chappie came on talking about that 15th Century fortune teller called Nostradamus.

Apparently Nostradamus was able to foretell future events concerning individuals, nations, various armies, improvements in latrine technology, the fates of several nasty dictators and all that sort of thing.

The guest speaker was talking about his book that had just been and updated.

That in itself was enough to throw the whole caboodle out the blasted window in my books! I mean why did the book have to be updated if it was a book about predictions? That on it’s own is enough to show that the first book was wrong in the first place.

The whole thing is a complete shower! Full of codswallop about things that are supposed to happen but never will. I don't trust it one bit!

And another thing, if this Nostradamus book was supposed to be so accurate then how come it hasn't been able to predict just how shit it is? Answer me that why don't you!!!

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Men & Women: The Difference

Men and Women: The Difference
Been around for years and finally FINALLY, I've just been able to work out the difference between men and women. It's so bally-well obvious that it was right infront of me all this time and one was not able to see it! Unbelievable!

So what is the difference? Of course when one writes that one isn't referring to people's wedding tackle and other such obvious accoutriments. No one is referring to a more fundamental difference that lies deep within ourselves that overides the bedroom equipment department.

So what is it? Well it's obvious when one puts one's mind to it

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Cricket & the Maasai Mara

Post-Testicle Thwacking
Just been reading about a project by the World Cricket Federation that has introduced the game of cricket to the Masai Mara, a tribe of people in Africa

The idea is to use the sport to help address pertinent issues to the local tribespeople that affect their daily lives. In their case it’s things like A.I.D.S. drought, H.I.V. genital mutilation, gender issues wine tasting and all that sort of hullababoo.

One is in favour of all this sort of thing as they these people make the most atrocious wine.

So how will the organisers do it using the sport of cricket. One couldn't honestly fathom it especially in terms of stuffl like genital mutilation and the A.I.D.S. epidemic. After long considered thought one has come up with how they will do it.

It's simple, for example in reference to drought you simply tell them all that if they don’t conserve water then they get the cricket bat wrapped around their head. In terms of genital mutilation you just tell em that the next person that gets their genitals mutilated gets a thwack in the testicles with the same cricket bat.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

David Shayler Trapped Inside the Body of David Shayler

Someone inside the body of someone else
Look at this. This is David Shayler, the former MI5 civil servant who blubbed about UK government secrets to the press. Clearly with nowhere to go with his life since that episode he has gone into himself to do some soul searching. And what did he find? He found that he was one of those people who are one member of a genital group who thinks they are trapped inside the body of the opposite genital group.

In fact the condition doesn't even have a medical name and the default tital 'Woman trapped inside a Man's body' is merely a façon de parler.

Well one doesn't get it! If this is the case why can't he just try on an appropriate pair of genitally grouped underpants and be done with? And that goes for the lot of em!

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Cass Elliot: Conspiracy Theory

Mama Sandwich & Ham Elliot
One can confirm that Cass Elliot of the Mamas and Papas, that musical ensemble from 1960's California did not choke to death on a Ham Sandwich. No Sir by Jimeny she did not!

Common Legend has it that she did. This rumour started after the Old Bill had raided her abode after she hadn't answered the phone for a few days. As they barged in they found her on the carpet with a half eaten ham sandwich lying next to her body.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Before and After

Television Detritus
It appears that being old and getting older is not only undesireable but is also unfashionable! Nonsense!

Numerous actors and that sort of detritus, like this nancy-boy on the right here, that appear on the telly, have taken to visiting the butcher and hacking large chunks of themselves off of their fatuous faces to try to make it look as though they are of a younger age. Codswallop! That's what I say. Codswallop! 

What's the matter with these people? Are they insecure? Frightened of getting old? Scared of dying? Worried that people won't look at them any longer? Well people are looking at this lot alright and for all the wrong reasons.

It's discrimination that's what it is! Downright ageism. In looking younger they think they are younger! Well they're not! They are just more stupid and out of touch with reality.

Just look at Melanie Griffiths for example. She seems to think that having her jaw permanently fixed further forward than her nose is attractive! No it isn't! It makes her resemble a damn fool

Lock Jaw

While this man known as carrot-top thinks that attaching electric wires to his wedding-tackle will improve his act. Err he may be right on that one though....
Electric Wires to wedding-tackle

While Micheal Jackson didn't even bother getting any surgery done he just hired an imposter to take his place and not a very good one at that!
Hire and Imposter?

While this complete shower, Gary Busey, has gone for the Startled-Rabbit-Caught-in-Car-Headlights look.
Should have electric wires attached to wedding-tackle

There's nothing wrong with getting old, looking old and being old. If this shower of people and many more of em besides, want to alter their appearance then it's not facelifts they need,  its a bullet through the head. That's the only sort of lanugage they understand.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Pompeii. Remarkable City

Decided to pop into Pompeii last week whilst I was down in those parts, on a wine excursion. Pompeii (or Pompers) is the famous town that was buried in a huge volcanic eruption from Mount Versuvius in A.D. 49, just after tea-time.

The place was buried so fast that the locals were not able to get away in time and were buried alive, burned and scorced to death in the most unimaginable of pains. A by-product of the super searing death they met was that the scalding ash effectively preserved them all in time at the moment they were buried. By a quirk of fate Archeologists have been able to make plaster casts of the bodies left by these people.

The screaming agony was to our benefit as the casts of their bodies give a clear insight into life at the time and one can say not much has changed. Take this first photo for instance. This chap was clearly blotto on Gin and Tonic and was unable to get up off the floor. One can even still see the bottle in his hand.

Blotto


 Whilst in this second photo this chap's wife had obviously buggered off with the man next door as he was probably rubbish in the bedroom department.

Bedroom Department


And just look at this one who clearly deserved to burn as he was unable to descern the difference between a toilet and wooden box!
Toilet


Yes well as I said not much has changed......

Complete Twat?

Friday, 9 November 2012

Baumgartner

Take a Running Jump!
Just been reading abouut Felix Baumgartner. This chap came to global notoriety as the first chappie to skydive from a one-chap podule 36km up in the high reaches of earth’s atmosphere. He broke several records including the first chap to go at supersonic speed unassisted by any jiggery-pokery or what have you.

Well anyway the bleeder has just been fined £1500 for hitting a Greek lorry driver in a foreign country.

What sort of person does that sort of thing? Just because he’s broken the sound barrier doesn’t mean he can go round hitting people, no sir by Jimeny it does not!

It’s a disgrace! Time and time again we see people becoming famous and as a consequence they go around breaking social norms and flouting conventions of society like passing water on small children, vomiting on policemen and all that sort of thing.

Everybody knows that hitting people is dangerous, if you're not careful you can break the bones in your wrist! What Baumgartner should have done was thrash the man. Preferably with a horse-whip. It’s much safer as the impact isn't absorbed by your own personage.

I mean if Baumgartner isn't able to do something as simple as this the fool can go and take a running jump! 

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Auguste Renoir: Le déjeuner des canotiers

Auguste Renoir: Le Déjeuner des Canotiers
August Renoir's Le déjeuner des canotiers or in it’s proper form ’The Luncheon of the Boating Party’ is one of his finest impressionist style paintings

Renoir like other impressionist painters of that period substituted form in favour of colour and light to render depictions of nature or society functions. Previously, art had been studio based with artificial light being depicted but the impressionists forwent this traditional enclosed style to express themselves wholly in terms of natural colour, feeling and cat food.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

There are Some Really Clever Bastards

What's this Crap?!
Just been reading about some boffins at a technology company called HzO who are developing a substance that will waterproof mobile telephones.

Apparently experiments are going all tickety-boo with the current depth of water being one metre and the phone still remains in working order

So naturally all the boffins, tech wizards, geeks and clever little bastards that work there are delighted and patting themselves on the back.

Well let me tell you something! The only pat on the back these people deserve is one emanating from a cow. OK so the blasted phone works to a depth of one metre does it? Well no it doesn't! If one is one metre under water how the devil is one supposed to speak? or listen for that matter? All anyone would here is the blub blub blubbing of air exiting from one’s mouth.

This company is full of cretins! No wonder the country is going to the dogs. This has got to be one of the most stupidest ideas I've ever seen in my life! And what is all the hullabaloo about one metre of water? So what! I know several people that could piss one metre of water!

Friday, 19 October 2012

Monthly Horoscope: Libra

The Ware-Armitage horoscope: Libra

With Saturn entering the venus transitional phase cycle and the sun shining out of Uranus this is a time to do those things that ought to have shown the way for all the same.

A transient cycle between Capricorn and Western-Super-Mare will result in a tired feeling all the rest of the day and possibly for older Librans a large coronary.

It is important that at this one time in the year in order to do the necessary things that will facilitate it.

But take heed to do the right thing here as this will mean the wrong thing is too much about nothing even if none of them will show what way it is impossible to work.

Do this at your leisure or that big homosexual will do that thing that he promised to do over the last six months

Remember that libra is the sign to show that all the others signs are there too in order to demonstrate that it is a time of when there should not be so much.

For further details call the Ware-Armitage hotline at no less than £20.00 per minute.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Lance Armstrong: First Cyclist on the Moon

Apparent Evidence of Armstrong's Moon Landing
Writing to give my ha’penny’s worth about that tour-de-France steroid cheat Lance Armstrong and cycling obsessive.

He first came to prominence in the late 1960’s after being the first man to ride a bicycle on the moon.

After that his life took a turn for the worst as nobody believed he had ever even been in an aeroplane let alone outer space.

He proceeded to claim that he rode his bicycle around the world in eighty days and again nobody believed this.

In order to prove his credentials he contacted Freddie Mercury whereupon, according to him, produced a song with Freddie entitled ’I want to ride my bicycle.’ Regrettably nobody believed this either.

He then advised Norman Tebbit’s Dad to go and look for work on his bike in the early 1980’s. While this was good advice Tebbit Snr had been dead for many a year.

Later in that decade Armstrong claims to have been instrumental in teaching Michael Jackson how to walk on the moon. Alas Jackson refuted any claims from Armstrong regarding this matter stating categorically that he was playing with some children at that time.

Lacking somewhat in credibility Armstrong, pining for the days of gravitational shock waves, G-forces and floating weightless on his Raleigh Roadster decided to take control of his life. Yes he embarked on a course of performance enhancing drugs. The highs from these drugs were so extensive that he was over the moon at least three times a week.

He then cycled around France in the great tour six times winning each time. It was this credibility that finally gave him the self-worth he had been hankering for since his alleged moon landing.

Alas the performance enhancing drugs were his undoing as they were forbidden under normal gravitational conditions and his friend ’Buzz’ Aldrin, grassed him up to The Police whom Armstrong claims stole the lyrics to his song entitled ’Walking on the moon.’ This was strongly denied by Sting who’s songs were a load of old codswallop anyway.

Eventually the International Cycling Federation promptly took Armstrong’s titles away from him citing his stupidity as the main reason and his drug use.

Armstrong is currently at home near a small town called Charlton Heston writing his autobiography entitled ’On Yer Bike!’

Monday, 15 October 2012

S.P.W.A - v - Armani

Would you buy clothes from this man?

S.P.W.A. was walking along the street this morning

W.A.G.   was walking in the opposite direction

S.P.W.A. and W.A.G. were on collision course.

S.P.W.A. moved a little to the left

W.A.G.   remained on course

S.P.W.A. moved a little more to the left

W.A.G.   kept on

S.P.W.A. moved back to the right a little

W.A.G.   kept on

S.P.W.A. aligned his briefcase with W.A.G.’s shopping bag

W.A.G.   kept on course

S.P.W.A. increased speed

W.A.G.   kept on course obviously thinking she had divine right to use the pavement willy-nilly

S.P.W.A.’s briefcase was laden with personal documents and six house bricks.

W.A.G.   was carrying large paper bag with ’Armani’ written upon it.

S.P.W.A. knew what was coming

W.A.G.   didn't

S.P.W.A.s’ briefcase connected with W.A.G.s shopping bag.

W.A.G.s’ shopping bag entered lower Earth orbit earlier this afternoon

S.P.W.A. pisses himself laughing

W.A.G    starts blabbering some incomprehensible claptrap typical of that sort of non-recommendable person.


S.P.W.A. - 1 ..... Armani - O

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Intercontinental Ballistic Incontinence

Cure for Incontinence
As a person gets old that person starts losing full control of their bodily functions, for example copious quantities of wind being audibly released into atmospheres at social functions, dinner parties, evening balls, culinary soirees, polite company and all that sort of thing.

Of course great gargling gas emissions are just the tip of the ice-berg don cha know! Other people actually defecate in their own clothes! This actually happened to Great Uncle Whoopsie Ware-Armitage at The Palace circa 1927 when an accidental blast tore a whole right through his undergarments and trousers!

Well it need not happen ever again! No Sir by Jimeny it need not! For one has devised a super tip-top way to be rid of this blight upon human dignity once and for all.

That's right a cure ballistic incontinence. Not only that but the cure is so easy it'll make one an overnight millionaire!

It's simple, all one has to do is the following;

1) Obtain a long list of sufferers.

2) Confiscate all their trousers and underpants.

3) Pass a law forbidding these people from wearing below the navel garments. 

Then the next time they lose control of their solid waste expulsion musculature it all falls onto the floor or gets blasted onto the nearest wall of the post office leaving them standing there without beshitten undergarments.

Friday, 12 October 2012

David Sodding Blaine ! (Again)

Right Idea Blaine-Again.......
Oh for God’s sake it's that dreadful little oik of an attention-seeker David Blaine (Again.)

As per usual Blaine-Again is attempting to gain even more attention by showing us how clever he is (again.) This time by standing within the confines of a large electrical field, dressed as an idiot alledgedly putting his life in peril (again.)

Well you don’t need to be an supposed magician to pull a stunt like that, no Sir! What you need to be is one of the most insecure, lonely, boring, tedious, odious, monotonous, uninteresting, cloth-eared, swivel-eyed, fornicating little gits that have ever laid foot upon this earth.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Secret iPhone 5 Feature

It's a collect call!
You know that new iPhone 5 has an amazing feature on it that those clever fellows at Apple simply haven't told anyone about.

And the good thing is is that you don't even have to crack the damn thing to access this secret feature too, Incredible.

So what is this amazing feature? Well this is a good one. Those clever fellows at Apple made the iPhone 5 a little bit longer. They told journalists that this was to accommodate an extra layer of app iconographs but in reality this extension serves a greater purpose.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Jimmy Sa'VILE: A Dirty Rotter!

Jimmy Sa' VILE
Just writing about that ghastly human being Jimmy Savile.

While that dreadful person was alive he was revered throughout Great Britain not only as a tireless charity worker but also played a demented Radio 1 D.J. character presenting that nauseating programme Top Of The Plops.

Secretly the man used his television popularity as a way of grooming children before interfering with them willy-nilly for his own carnal lusts. It's a disgrace!

It's a breach of trust, that's what it is. He wormed his way up the greasy pole of that Paedo-Stalinist BBC solely for the purpose of putting himself in a position of respectability by which to abuse youngsters. It’s an absolute abhorrence that he used the BBC in this manner.

What he should have done was got a job teaching in public school. That would have been much more appropriate.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

The Peasants are Revolting!

Communal Latrines Reduce Water Bills
Had the water bill through from the munitions factory two weeks ago. Couldn’t believe it! It was through the roof.

Although production of weapons has increased over the last year or two, what with conflagrations in Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, not forgetting ever increasing demand from those drug barons in Mexico, the overall effect would not justify the increased water bill.

So what has been going on? Well after installing CCTV cameras all over the place it turns out that it is the fault of those wretched little workers.

It transpires that the bleeders have been using the toilets in the factory instead of their own ones at home to save money! What a ghastly shower of individuals.

Never to be out smarted by ’Le Grande Levee’ I had all the toilets torn out and replaced with communal dry latrines. This serves two purposes: the first is to cut down on the water bill and the second is to keep those blasted workers in their seats.

You see those dry latrines are an absolute abomination, they stink the place out within seconds and secondly you can't sit on em because they are a bit like a cat litter tray.

It’s so humiliating having to use those things that only the really desperate use them. Everybody else waits until they get back home before using the toilet.

Since being installed the water bill has gone down and production has gone up. Bonus

Saturday, 6 October 2012

So Sweet.... and Sour

Well strike me down with Jove’s jockstrap! You’ll never guess what I saw today?

Was walking along the high street in Norbiton when I saw the strangest thing. It was an oriental person walking a dog!

Just goes to show how the world is changing don cha know. In the olden days You’d never see an oriental person walking a dog no Sir by Jimeny you would not!

You’d see em eating the damn things! You’d never see them walking Fido or Spot in the street unless they had just kidnapped them and were on their way to get their throats slit that is.

I remember the joke that whenever an Oriental restaurant opened up nearby there would be a spate of local people's pets going missing. Well this is just no true! The pets never went missing! No Sir! They would end up in the char su-pow, that’s not missing.

But I will tell you what is missing right now and that is a large Gin and Tonic.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Family Planning Web Sites

By George there are some peculiar webular sites on the internet don cha know!

Recently one has noticed a proliferation of webular sites regarding family planning. For example, one of the ones I visited last night showed footage of a couple trying to start a family. Indeed many of these family planning webular sites show couples and even sometimes entire groups of couples trying to start families.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Courtney: An Obituary

Rest In Peace Courtney Loyal Servant
One is sad to announce that my butler, valet, personal assistant and chauffeur Courtney passed away recently.

One is saddened beyond description as the stinker owed me seven guineas from the gee-gees. That horse was a dead-cert even though it was 200/1. It's just that the other horses fell ill, one couldn't get out of the starting gate two of the others threw their riders leaving only my horse and 'Arse-biscuit' to finish the race.

It wasn't his job to evaluate whether the horse would win or not. All he had to do was to do as he was bloody well told. I didn't pay him to think!  Instead he put the money on that blasted nag 'Twenty Hotels' on 10/2. It was the bloody favourite wasn't it! naturally I'd fixed it so the blasted animal would fall at the first fence.

Lost that lolly because of him and he always refused to pay it back! What a ghastly little man he was. But you just can't get the staff any more these days and now I have to foot the bill for his funeral too!

Friday, 28 September 2012

Justin Beleiber, Believer, Beiber Bieber Whateber!

Silly Little Boy
What in God’s name is a Belieber? It sounds like someone who doesn't drink enough alcohol! Maybe that's an imbiber?

We'll anyway it is supposed to be something to do with a dreadful little child called Justin Beiber or is that Beleeiber, Biebier, belieber... whateiber. This little blighter is only about eight years old yet lots of adults like him, sounds like pedophile fodder if you ask me.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Drug Addict Photos: Before and After!!

Heroin Addict Before.............. After
Just been reading about heroin and the effect it has on those whom consume it.

Apparently the fools that take this stuff are off their bloody rockers! Don't have a clue what is going on and are not able to care either. Kind of envy them in a way!

Anyway they become so deluded that they rapidly decline in terms of mental health and become so addicted that everything in their lives revolves around the acquisition of money to buy heroin, Kind of envy them in a way.


Addict: Sulkin Before....... After
The result is that these people lose their jobs, homes, friends and acquaintances. After that they turn to criminal activity such as mugging people and fraud.

Frequently they end up in gaol at the tax payers expense! So we are still giving them handouts!! Don't know about you but I bloody well had to work other people to the bone to get where I am today so it is pretty galling when I see this lot being spoiled by being thrown in goal or rehabilitation centres when they could easily be placed on a pile of manure. When will it all end? 

Addict: Winehouse Before..... After
But the worst thing about it is that simply increases the number of ugly people patrolling the streets! Who do they think they are? One has attached a few photos to look at to compare these people how they were before taking drugs and what they were like after. Its a disgrace!

It is clear that what these people need is help, care and assistance for their condition. I recommend more make-up. Failing that they could just simply put a bag on their head? And preferably a plastic one at that.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

SPWA and a Heavy Metal Concert

Heavy Metal Concert
One is not usually keen on modern musich but last night one went to a Heavy Metal Concert in London.

Got to say it was absolutely spiff-o. One watched the band for two hours belting out hit after hit of rollickingly thundering music bringing down the house all over the place

Friday, 21 September 2012

Famine in Africa

Just seen pictures on the telly about the latest famine in Africa. 

Can't believe that this sort of hoo-haa goes on in the 21st Century. Apparently hundreds of thousands of plebians are suffering needlessly because there just isn't enough food where they are. 

According to the W.H.O. this sort of thing goes on alot! And from looking at all the pictures on the telly I’m hardly surprised there’s a blasted famine there. I mean I didnt see a single bloody supermarket anywhere. Not even a corner shop or an ice cream van. No wonder they’re all starving hungry!

What's the matter with these people? If one wants to go on holiday one goes to a place where there is basic public facilities not a wide open field full of poor people! What in God's name are these people up to? 

Still, one has bought a van and is sending it there to churn out a few kebabs, with that lot going hungry I can charge whatever I like. One is going to make a killing

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Losing One's Marbles!!

What is the blasted world coming to?!!!

I've been walking around all day aware of a ghastly smell in the air!

I thought it was the wretched estate next door experimenting with chemical toilets but no. Turns out I went to the kharzi this morning and forgot to pull my down my trousers!

That's the third time I've done that this week! Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?

My God is this the way it ends for everybody? It's frightening if you ask me. Getting old and decrepit, loosing ones senses and all that mularky! Can't the blasted government do anything about it? No that's right they won't do anything about. They can put a trumpet player on the moon but ask em to stop aging and they pretend they haven't got a clue. It's a damn conspiracy if you ask me. In fact it's so frightening one could easily shit oneself if one thought about it too much.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Conspiracy Theorists!

You know One is absolutely sick to the tip top of my head with all the conspiracy theories going around about anything.

One has tried to address a couple of conspiracies on this Web Log, one a few days ago and one a few  months ago about President of the United States commonly known as K.F.C. or was that K.F.J or something like that.

Well one thinks that the conspiracy theorists are behind everything! I mean how many of those bleeders were in the Twin Towers when they were hit? Well? How many? None! And how many of them were there when the Fuckishima nuclear power station exploded? None! Furthermore how many of them were there when that fool Timothy McVie blew up that large government building in that movie 'Oklahoma?' Again None!

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Greenhouse Gas Emissions

Gas Emissions
See this man? It's Kinnock! Remember him? The Welsh Wind-bag and one time bleeder of the opposition and I'm telling you this man has got a problem.
 

I was on a plane bound for that ghastly Gatwick Airport last night and it was Kinnock who jumped the queue infront of me. Apparently, working for that Fascio/Stalinist European Union entitles it's employees to queue hop. Well not in my books it doesn't.

So Anyway, mid-way through the flight, after the hostess had served me with my fourth glass of a rather cheeky little Cotes du Rhone, Reserve Chartreuse de Bonpas, Louis Bernard 2007 one had the need to visit the aeroplane's latrine. 

One got out of my first class chair and made my way to the little boys room. When I arrived the blasted door was locked and there was some person inside wiping their backside.

Well after ten minutes the door unlocked and it was old Kinnock again! The fool stepped out with a typical One-is-better-than-thou smirk all over his stupid face and returned to his seat. I then stepped into the kharzi and my God I can tell you, the stink?!

What in Bonaparte's Balls had that man eaten for lunch? It was horrendous! It was like some sick animal had crawled up his arse and died. Just how much gas he had emitted much have been incalcuable? My God it could have filled a bloody Zeppelin. And just how he was able to stay in their for that long is completely beyond me too. He must have been using a gas mask.

And God alone knows how is wife is able to lie in the same bed as him without being blasted out of the window every once in a while. If ever there was a reason for a hole in the ozone layer then he is it.

Just the thrust from his backside could have been enough to propel our aeroplane forwards to supersonic flight.

I'm not surprised that they banned smoking on planes with his sort flying in em, just one light from a match and the entire thing would go up into pieces.



Friday, 14 September 2012

Women in Show Business

Famous Enduring Women
You know one has been hearing alot recently about women in show business.

The general idea seems to be that the Hollywood studios take em in when they are young, stick em in a couple of films for cinema and then get rid of em in favour of the next new thing to hit the town. Or if they last a few more years than that they end up playing stereotypical roles once they get beyond the age of twenty-five, usually this is the role of a mother of two cute little bastardly children.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Iphone 5: Review

Those decent jonnies at Apple Inc had the wherewithal to send me one of their new Iphones for me to cast my opinion on.

One has to say that one was not as impressed as with the previous version. This was related mainly to issues of weight.

The previous incarnation was 20% heavier. As you can imagine this meant that when I threw the new Iphone 5 at some passing Gypsies when it hit one of them it caused less of an injury than the previous one did. Admittedly, I was able to throw it slightly further but one considers the distance in length was affecting the accuracy of my shot; the further away the target the more diffucult it is to hit. So whilst I was aiming to hit the eldest Gypsy child I actually hit her blasted mother instead.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

How to Save Water and Paper

Life is a game. When one finds the time for deep introspection, one finds that one simply doesn't have enough happiness to buy enough money.

I mean why should I cough up on things like say, for example, lavatory water, which falls from the sky for free, but then the blasted water companies have the gall to charge ME for it! I mean what the blazes is that all about?

And I don't see why I should have to pay for other related things like lavatory paper either?! I mean what is the point of paying for paper that one uses to wipe one's backside upon. I mean paper is for writing on don cha know. What kind of person is it that voluntarily pays for arse-wiping material? They must be sick!

So this is why this morning I was especially peeved to find that my local pub was closed. Didn't want a drinky you understand but since 1978 one has been using the toilets there every day to help cut down on the water bill at home. 

They didn't even have the decency to warn me about it the night before, when I had popped in to have shit one the way home from the local Indian Restaurant. 

Doesn't anyone care about anyone anymore nowadays. All people can do is think about nothing other than themselves. It's a disgrace!


In the end one had no other option and was forced to relieve one's self in one of those foul portable latrines provided by British Telecom. What a ghastly start to the day!