Billion Dollar Business Proposition

Scum

Ware-Armitage here. You know recently I've been musing about how clever I am and therefore by default how err... disappointing others are. I'm not really one for labelling people and all that sort of thing but I know full well that if I did refer to people as stupid then I'd end up in trouble with the blogging legal team or all that sort of scum.

Anyway, because of my vast cleverness I recently came across a marvellous idea that is the going to make me one of those internet billionaires. Yes that's right an internet billionaire! No namby-pamby wishy-washy millionaire no Sir! Not that poor lot! With their solitary million that won't even buy a cardboard box in some parts of London these days I tell you. Not only that but the idea is so simple it is going to change the world!

What to do if a Celebrity Walks in to Your Pub?

Not Mrs Cumberbatch's Husband

Last week I was boozing it up at Madame Pompidu's was having a pimms at my local pub. I'd had no choice really as I had popped in to the place to use the toilet but some arse was already in it so I had to pretend that I was there for a drink. Anyway, there was I looking quite resplendent at the bar when all of a sudden a celebrity walked in! I will refrain from divulging the name of this particular celebrity out of respect for the privacy of his wife, Mrs Cumberbatch.

Moustache Breakdown: Ryan Pike

Superstructure

Moustaches, yes that's moustaches! Once the purview of the masses in the Western world it signified the end of childhood for a young man and the start of a career as canon fodder for the Great Imperial British military.

I tell you now that of all the myriad examples of Great British military incompetence and catastrophe at the very least all the men went down with a decent moustache across their face. No namby-pamby wishy-washy crippity-crappy clean shaven nonsense here I can tell you. No Sir by Jimeny No! 

April Showers Back Up Plan

Baked Beans

Right then, it's that time of year again, April! Yes April that time of year here in Great Britain where one minute it's sunny and the next minute it is throwing it down with rain, hail, snow sometimes and wind.

This happens every year and it is not the best time to make arrangements for things outside such as a gala function, a regatta, cricket match or some kind of social function in a country pub car park, if you know what I mean. Whatever you arrange there will be a 50 percent chance that it will rain and you will have to cancel or postpone your arrangement. 

So imagine you have arranged a day out but you find yourself having to cancel at the last moment, what do you do? Well I've devised a tip-top emergency plan to keep yourself entertained in just such an instance. You will need the following:-

World Book Day

Right then! Today is World Book Day which I think is absolutely marvellous don cha know!

World Book Day started in Spain in 1923 by a load of booksellers who wanted to mark the anniversary of the death of Migueal di Cervantes on the 23rd April, who was shot in the head from a book suppository by a man called Lee Herve Osvaldo.

Actually at that time it wasn't called World Book Day as it was only commemorated by people in Spain so I suspect they called it something like Spanish Book Day you get the general idea.

In Britain the day is celebrated on the 5th March as the 23rd April happens during school holidays and no teacher in their right mind is going to celebrate it when they could be in the pub. Personally I think it was moved to this day in Britain for reasons of pig-headedness but I can't prove that.

Return the Elgin Marbles Say I!

George Clooney

Just been reading about Camal Clooney, wife of multi-millionaireHollywood actor George Clooney, sticking her oar in about the subject of the Elgin Marbles. Well what has it got to do with her I ask you? She gets married to a Hollywood superstar, who is jealous of my looks and then launches this campaign to try and freeze me out of the limelight. It's a disgrace!

Err... anyway for those who are not well versed in this matter the Elgin Marbles are a collection of Classical Greek marble sculptures, inscriptions and architectural pieces, hand crafted by Davros Phidias and his assistants a million years ago that were originally part of the temple of the Parthenon and other buildings of the Acrapalot.

Kafka: A Critique

Pointless Pointlessism...

Right then! I was given a book a while ago, for which I was very grateful for as it gave me something to put my tea on to stop the table getting a circular stain. Very useful don cha know. 

Nevertheless, for some reason this book had managed to work its way in to my head since it was given to me and I thought I would give it a whirl and stop using it as a tea/matt. The trouble then was what to do with it. I mean you can't have books lying around whilst the table tops are unprotected so I bought some proper coasters for the table.

Actors: A Modern Menace

Jolie Good Show

I was watching a documentary the other day, in fact several documentaries at the cinema no less when it occured to me that not everything in these 'documentaries' were as they seemed.

I first had a suspicion that something was a little fishy when I saw a magnificent documentary many years ago in which a businessman had brought dinosaurs back to life on a remote island in the Pacific Ocean by extracting DNA from mosquitos that had been preserved in amber from tree sap etc. 

Well it's just occured to me what the blazes is going on! Some of these documentaries have actors in them portraying people in real life! That's deception! It's misleading! It's a disgrace! 

Far too many actors are distrubed individuals anyway, some of them are even disturbed,  constantly trying to be the centre of attention, talking about themselves, copulating with as many people as they can get away with, astealing from clothes shops because they feel as though THEY shouldn't have to go through the indignity of having to actually pay for things, urinating in telephone boxes, hitting people, posing in restaurants, snorting drugs, starting up strange religions, joining strange religions and generally showing orff in public. Have they no shame?! (actually this sounds like quite a good night out!) 

How do Deal with the Paparazzi.

A Cat

The Paparazzi! Yes that's right the Paparazzi. These individuals make me want to throw up all over the place; floor, ceiling, walls, the cat etc, you name it and I'll throw up all over it.

The Paparazzi have been making a fortune unscrupulously snapping shots of wealthy, famous and glamorous people such as myself and Princess Diana for years by selling their photos to newspapers and magazines. 

One Direction ...

Pan

Just been reading about a band called One Direction. They are all about eight years old and dressed as if they were Nancy Sinatra. This isn't a band at all this is paedophile fodder!

I've spoken about this sort of thing before with as equally a dreadful little boy called Justin Briber, it's disgusting!

Youngters like this shouldn't be poncing around on a stage exposing themselves to gangs of paedophiles they should be in school learning to use the slide-rule or studying trigonometry,

Adele: Not a Fat Cow!

Not Half a Ton

Just been reading about a popular singer called Adele. Aside from the fact that she also has here own brand of personal computers she apparently also has a very good singing voice. Now this is all tickety-boo but the media, as usual, appear to have a problem with her weight.

In fact the blasted media seem to have a problem with everybody's weight. Apparently, one must be the perfect weight because one never finds oneself in the newspapers or silly magazines in reference to this matter. But one digresses.

In an interview with 'Marie Curie' magazine Adele put the entire matter of her size to rest by saying simply  

'I don’t make music for eyes, I make music for ears.'

Ray Harryhausen: An Obituary

Found Up Arse

Just been reading about Ray Harryhausen the legendary visual effects animator who sadly died earlier this week of constipation.

During his long life Harryhausen pioneered research into medication for constipation in the film industry. This was known colloquialy as Stop Motion Visuals although why anyone would want to visualise this sort of thing is completely beyond me. Additionally Stop Motion also gave him a chance to make forays into colonic irrigation, appendicitus, dysentry, gihardia, incontinence and blowing off.

Gunther Von Häagen-Dazs

Ice Cream

Just seen an extraordinary exhibition by some chappie called Gunter Von Häagen-Dazs.
 
Could scarcely believe my eyes this Haagens-Dazs fellow takes his own brand of ice-cream and then feeds it to dying people.

Abraham Lincoln: best actor

Lincoln's Portayal of Lewis

Congratulations to Abraham Lincoln for winning the Oscar for best actor in his role as Daniel Day-Lewis.

Apparently, this is the third time that Abraham Day-Lincoln has won an Oscar, something that has never been done before by a former President of the United States of America.

Lincoln’s performance as Day-Lewis, a character actor from Sidcup, shone through as the performance to beat. The film started with Night-Lewis’ life when he went into business as the owner of a very nice laundrette in Birmingham in 1978.

Downton Abbey: The Truth

Only sort of language servants understand

Just witnessed ’Downton Abbey’ an independent television production concerning the goings on of one of the lesser classes in a tiny country house circa 1930s Britain.

Apparently the production values of the series have attempted to mirror in detail the exact feeling, lifestyle and attitudes of that era in order to show people of today what yesteryear was like.

Hitchcock: Film Review

Hitchcock Plays Hopkins Perfectly

Just Seen an advanced screening of the film ’Hitchcock’ in which Alfred Hitchcock portrays the famous actor Anthony Hopkins.

The film focuses on Hopkins’ role he played, so superbly, as Hannibal Lector in the film ’The Psycho of the Lambs’

Hitchcock plays Anthony Hopkins almost perfectly and there were times when I was convinced that I was actually looking at Anthony Hopkins doing a ridiculous impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock but no!

Anthony Perkins portrays Helen Mirren perfectly in the supporting role of Anthony Hopkins’ wife, Trixabel.

Cass Elliot: Conspiracy Theory

Mama Sandwich & Ham Elliot

One can confirm that Cass Elliot of the Mamas and Papas, that musical ensemble from 1960's California did not choke to death on a Ham Sandwich. No Sir by Jimeny she did not!

Common Legend has it that she did. This rumour started after the Old Bill had raided her abode after she hadn't answered the phone for a few days. As they barged in they found her on the carpet with a half eaten ham sandwich lying next to her body.

Auguste Renoir: Le déjeuner des canotiers

Auguste Renoir: Le Déjeuner des Canotiers

August Renoir's Le déjeuner des canotiers or in it’s proper form ’The Luncheon of the Boating Party’ is one of his finest impressionist style paintings

Renoir like other impressionist painters of that period substituted form in favour of colour and light to render depictions of nature or society functions. Previously, art had been studio based with artificial light being depicted but the impressionists forwent this traditional enclosed style to express themselves wholly in terms of natural colour, feeling and cat food.

David Sodding Blaine ! (Again)

Right Idea Blaine-Again.......

Oh for God’s sake it's that dreadful little oik of an attention-seeker David Blaine (Again.)

As per usual Blaine-Again is attempting to gain even more attention by showing us how clever he is (again.) This time by standing within the confines of a large electrical field, dressed as an idiot alledgedly putting his life in peril (again.)

Well you don’t need to be an supposed magician to pull a stunt like that, no Sir! What you need to be is one of the most insecure, lonely, boring, tedious, odious, monotonous, uninteresting, cloth-eared, swivel-eyed, fornicating little gits that have ever laid foot upon this earth.

Justin Beleiber, Believer, Beiber Bieber Whateber!

Silly Little Boy

What in God’s name is a Belieber? It sounds like someone who doesn't drink enough alcohol! Maybe that's an imbiber?

We'll anyway it is supposed to be something to do with a dreadful little child called Justin Beiber or is that Beleeiber, Biebier, belieber... whateiber. This little blighter is only about eight years old yet lots of adults like him, sounds like pedophile fodder if you ask me.