Mission to Pluto: A Layman's Guide

Bolsheviks

Right then A few weeks ago those incredibly clever boffins at NASA; The National Arbeiten and Space Administration saw the culmination of a ten year mission to the planet Pluto to seek out new life and new civilisations

Apparently, it's not a planet any more because The IAU; International Astronomical Union (obviously a left wing body) decided to change Pluto's status from a planet to a dwarf planet. Well what does that mean? I'll tell you what it means, it means that Bolsheviks can do anything they bloody well want and get away with it! It's a disgrace!

Artificial Intelligence

Intelligence

Right then! I've heard some absolute ARSE in my time but this week I heard something that had more ARSE in it than all the other ARSE I've heard in my time put together. 

Some boffin called Demis Hassabis has been spouting on about how clever he is and also how clever his company called DeepMind is. The boffins at DeepMind have been concentrating on developing artificial intelligence for computers. 

Men -v- Women: Multi-Tasking

Multi-tasking

Ware-Armitage here, been away for a while due to some 'local business' with copper, pigs and the bills, if you know what I mean... Anyway that's enough of that, let's get on with the blog.

Was reading an article today about men, women and multitasking. Apparently women are far better at multitasking than men according to a study by Doctor Dr Gijsbert Stoet, of the University of Glasgow.

How to Construct a Climate Change Simulator

Planet Earth

As usual there seems to be an awful lot of hullabaloo about climate change. One focal point of concern is the models used to attempt to simulate climate change and its effects across Chalfont-Saint-Peter, Berkshire, Weston-Super-Mare and other parts of the planet.

Typically the methods used involve very large computers collecting data from all over the place like Teddington Lock, Runnymede, Watford Gap Service Station and other places of importance.

E=mc²: An Explanation for the Layman.

E=g&t²

In reality life is very simple but due to modern educational theories people perceive their lives to be more and more complex. That's the trouble with socialism if you ask me; too many questions and not enough thrashings. But that's beside the point.

Anyway, this morning some bodkin approached me upon the high street and bet me five bob that I would be unable to explain Einstein's famous equation E=mc². Always up for a challenge I proceeded to the nearest bar to work this one out. So here it all is. 

Australian Predators: Nation of Innovators

Two Victims swim for their lives

One has just been reading about those clever chappies in Australia who have come up with a tip-top idea to prevent attacks by great white marine predators.

The innovative fellows there have gone round and tagged 250 of the more massive of these horrifying creatures with an electrical device that can transmit the position of these hideous man-eaters to a monitoring centre. 

Global Warming...? Global Farting!

Vanessa Feltz

Just been reading up on a theory about dinosaurs and global warming. Apparently the blighters gassed themselves all to death by billowing out billions of tons of methane.

The scientists based their theory on the methane producing capacity your common or garden cow.

Real Cause of Climate Change: The Truth.

Bloody Weather

Just been reading on wikipedia and also BBC Radio 4 about the causes of climate change. The Radio programme had both sides of the argument making pertinent points and giving credible evidence to promote their ideas. 

On the one hand the pro-climate change lobby showed that the current change in global temperatures is due to mankind, which incidently is predominately people of the working classes so it is their fault.

Stephen Hawking: Arse in Space

Drunkard

One has just been reading about that boffin called Stephen Hawking who has been talking about assisted suicide. 

The man thinks that it is OK to help ill people end their lives if they are going to kick the bucket with no prospect of recovery.

Chris Hadfield: Porno Star?

Moustache

Odds Bodkins it's that crashing bore of an Astronaut again. I've dealt with this person in a previous post.

It isn't enough that he has to hover around in space all day making videos of himself singing songs and posing in front of space ships oh no sir!

No just orbiting the world isn't enough for this man no sir by Jimeny it is not! The fellow now feels as if he has to announce his retirement to the world as well. Next thing you know he'll be making videos of himself passing water or blowing off for the world to see. Thinks he's the bees knees just because he has been to the stars!

Well if you ask me the only stars this man is good for are porno stars! I mean just look at him! That moustache serves only one purpose, it's a porno moustache! Can't use it for anything else! This whole Astronaut jiggery-pokery was a front so Hadfield could get a shoe horn in to the pornography industry. It's a disgrace!

I mean in space a proper astronaut would have a handle-bar moustache for something to hold on to! You can’t float around up their without handles!

Porno

It's all down to pornography and not just for Hadfield! All the other Silly Billys floating around up there with nothing to do except gawp out of the windows and sing silly songs are in to it as well don cha know! Well why don't they just get on with it and get their clothes off and get it all over with instead of fart-arsing about pretending to want to be astronauts. Blasted layabouts or should that be floatabouts?

Astronaut Chris Hadfield: Commander?

Man in Command

Just seen a video of Commander Chris Hadfield singing David Bowie’s number one hit song entitled ‘Space Oddity’ on the International Space Station.

In it we see numerous shots of planet earth in all it’s resplendent glory, the moon, the International Space Station, from both inside and out, while Hadfield sings his merry ditty. On one occasion the man even seems to shed a tear.

Well these are not the attributes of a Commander if you ask me, they are more like the attributes of a Silly Billy! When I was in the Durham Light Infantry my Commander, Uncle 'Slasher' Ware-Armtage would get through at least two proles per day and that was of his own men! Now that’s what I call a commander!

I mean how many people had this Hadfield man shot on this mission? None! In my day a good mission wasn’t a good mission until we had lost at least half of the platoon, not prancing around weightlessly singing songs from popular culture! It’s a disgrace!

And as for singing, well the only songs we were allowed to sing were Colonel Bogey and God save the Queen. None of this namby-pamby wuss-encrusted pish-posh from this ill-moustachioed weightless ponce!

Gone are the days when a real commander would strap innocent men to the end of a cannon and blast their sorry entrails across vast swathes of occupied territory with impugnity. Gone are the days when we could strap high explosives to people's dogs, let them go, wait until the animal got back into its home and then detonate the lot, sending the occupants into oblivion! Gone are the days when we could shoot a man from afar, wait until a crowd had gathered around him to see if the chap was alright and then we would open up on them with the flame throwers. Gone are the days when a....


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Mission to Mars?

Roger Moore in Space? As much as possible....

Just been reading about ‘The Space-X’ project based in the Netherlands, where everybody takes drugs.

‘The Space-X’ project is proposing a manned mission to the planet Mars with the aim of establishing a permanent manned base there before the year 2023. All the boffins at ‘Space X’ claim that everything is readily available for this mission to Mars except the money.

They propose raising the money by turning the entire project into a sort of Reality TV show whereby the astronauts would be filmed continually. People would have to subscribe to the channel and this, coupled with advertising, would ensure funding for the mission.

This idea is poppycock!! It’s ridiculous! What would people be subscribing to see? Two remedials farting about in a small base on the planet Mars and occasionally stepping outside to fiddle with some equipment. It would be as dull as ditch water. People wouldn’t subscribe to that for any longer than is necessary, no Sir they would not.

But by Jimeny I have the answer! I know how to get millions of people to subscribe and not just for a few weeks no Sir!! This would be a long-term subscription that everyone would willingly subscribe to and for a premium price too! So what is the answer? Well I’ll tell you what the answer is.

It’s easy, simply turn the entire project into a pornographic channel. They’d make a fortune! Instead of calling it ‘Space-X’ I propose changing it to ‘Space-XXX’ This is a winner. People would subscribe to it on lift off just in time to see weightless porn all the way to Mars and then one-third gravity Porn when they get to the Red Planet itself.

I also propose a spacesuit for two people for Deep Space Porn and also Mars Surface Porn. Just think of the money! I think it’s a winner myself. Of course when things get dull ‘Space-XXX’ can always send some cattle up there too; You know what some people are like these days, can come up with the most bizarre of notions!

Gay Marriage?

Husband

Just been reading about the campaign to extend the great institution of marriage!

Just what the hell is going on? This is lunacy! One is scarcely able to contain one's abhorrence! This is the end of the bloody world. Earthquakes, volcanoes, rabies and no more Neapolitan ice cream. What on earth are these people taking for God's sake? Doesn't anybody realise just how dangerous this is? It's a disgrace!

Can you imagine just what it will be like? It'll be an absolute shower! I mean picture the scene; two gay chappies living in the same house together, which one of them is going to make the dinner and do the washing up? Hey? Answer me that! And how are they going to differentiate between each others underpants? Hmm? Not to mention which one of them has to clean the lavatory after the other has shat in it!

And being a man I know perfectly well just what we are like. We are untidy and chaotic. So can you imagine what the living room will look like after a week? Magazines everywhere, uneaten food lying around, toenail clippings on the carpet and all this times two?! And which one of them is going to tidy it all up after the other eh? 

Wife

And that is not even the start, Which one of them is going to wear the wedding dress? And just who is supposed to carry who across the threshold when they get home after the wedding?

One supposes it will be the one not wearing the wedding dress. That would mean it has to be the heavier of the two who dresses up as the man. At least there is something different about the two that gives them something to say at the alter. Instead of 'I now pronounce you man and wife,' Now it will be 'I now pronounce you Man and Fatso.' Now we seem to be making some progress on this issue.

The Coriolis Effect

No Coriolis Effect with Trixabel.

Was looking down the plughole yesterday eve when I noticed that as the water drained away it all went in a clockwise direction down the hole!

One has noticed this kind of thing before, notably on occasion, as one was thrashing one of the servants. As the swine was lying in the gutter. He passed water in his trousers and as he did so much it all flowed into the drain in a clockwise rotation.

After doing some research one has learned that the water always spins away in a clockwise direction on the top of planet earth whilst on the bottom of planet earth it always spins in an anti-clockwise direction and that this is an absolute!

Codswallop! It’s not an absolute at all! That’s what I say and I say ‘Tish and Nonsense.’ This is clearly nonsense. Doesn’t matter where one is on Earth water and urine can spin any direction it damn well likes and here is how I know...

 I was at the Gogo-Pogo Night club last night and there was Trixabel doing her routine with her tassels. And I tell you something. There was no external force influencing those swingers and lawks-a-lordythey were spinning it two directions at the same time! If there was a Coliolis Effect there then I can tell you it wasn’t doing very much!

If anyone out there doubts this then pop along to the Gogo-Pogo. For a small fee Trixy will give you a demonstration of the lack of a Coriolis Effect.

Rihanna: Start Violence Against Idiotic Men!

That's Right, Throttle him!!!

Just been reading about some bint called Rihanna. Apparently she and her last boyfriend, a violent man called Chris Brown.

Anyway Brown and Rihanna split up a while ago because he beat her up in a fit of mad passion according to her and then she left him. Her photographs were all over the newspapers and what have you with bruises and cuts and all that sort of thing.

What gets me is that in this last fortnight there has been a global campaign to end violence against women, yet in the same time she chooses to get back with Brown as she feels as though he is completely misunderstood.

And she is right... she has completely misunderstood him. You can't go around hitting people willy-nilly! What sort of society is it that tolerates that sort of nonsense? And who is she to tolerate that sort of nonsense too. 

If there is to be a global campaign to stop violence against women then at least those in the upper eschealons of the media world can set and example and join in! It's a disgrace!

There is only one thing to do with women like this, slap em around! That's the only sort of language they understand!

Valentine's Day Bandwagon

Valentine's Day Abomination!

Good God Look at this shit! Is this what passes as a Valentines day message of love, mutual understand, trust and all that crap? 

These Valentine's Day Cards are a disgrace and I'll tell you why. It's because they cost 70p for a pack of ten. 

Well what is the point of buying ten Valentine's Day Cards? I mean one only has four girlfriends so the other six are a complete waste of money! 

Alien Abduction!

Vomit

Had the fright of my life last night when I was abducted by spacemen.

One has read about this sort of thing happening to plebes, scum, trailer trash, poor people and fools but one had dismissed it as hogwash. The product of delusion, mistaken identity or idiocy but not any longer no sir by Jimeny it is true.

One was terrified! So what happened? Well one had just exited the pub after having downed three bottles of chateaux de Molin de cote flambolier followed by a chaser. Then all washed down with a swift Ardbeg 1943, well four swift ones actually as the first three were a bit too swift if you know what I mean?

Then as one was walking back to the estate one noticed that ones weight was starting to increase as the old legs suddenly gave way. Although one did not realise this at the time, this was obviously a gravitational effect of the flying saucer’s propulsion system as it closed in on my personage.

And that was when I saw it! Initially it was just two bright lights heading towards me following the exact direction of the road. Then two bright blue lights just above those started flashing and rotating. This was followed by a bright piercing sound that went something like woooowwwww.

One started to feel fear but one was not prepared to show it, you know what these foreigners are like, so I tried to shout at them ’get lost filth I know where you live’ but it came out all slurred and unintelligible as these alien trash were obviously tying to hypnotise me!

I then felt them grab me by the arms and pick me up off the floor whereby I heard them speaking in their alien language something like ’gonnafuk indoyouover atthe stashun cahnt’

One then became completely overwhelmed and started vomiting profusely obviously because of the effects of the radioactivity generated by their flying saucer.

Then everything went dark and the next thing I knew I was lying in the ditch just outside the police station covered in bruises where I had obviously fought off the alien attack! It was a good thing the filth.. err sorry the police were close at hand to fend these beings off otherwise God knows what would have happened!

Transvestite's Tights

Urinals

What in Bonaparte’s balls is mankind coming to? Was in a trendy left wing bar last night in a popular part of The Metropol with nephew ’Fruity’ Ware-Armitage. He was showing off his bit of leggy totty called Trixi.

Anyway one had a call from nature, so one trotted off to the little boys room to do some quantitative easing.

Whilst sitting on the kharzi one could hear people chatting on the other side of the door. However, all one could discern were the voices of women? What were women doing in the little boys room one wondered?

After exiting (and one doesn’t mean finished shitting one means leaving the cubicle in which the latrine was housed) one was shocked to see three women standing around gossiping right by the hand basins.

One politely explained that they were in the wrong place to which the big bosomed one said ’i don’t think so big boy.’ I pointing to the urinals and said ’you are hardly likely to need one of those my dear.’ The three women then walked, simultaneously over to the urinals a got their wedding tackle out! They weren't women at all they were chaps! Worse than that one had actually fancied the big bosomed one! Thought I was going to vomit!

It’s a disgrace! What the hell is the matter with people? You can't have ladies walking around with wedding tackle hanging about all willy-nilly all over the place! I don’t want those people passing water where I pass mine and I certainly don’t want to shit where they've shat!

One supposes that the ladies won't want that sort in their latrines either. So where can these people deposit their waste matter? Well one suggests some kind of lavatorial deliniation! New signs will be needed in addition to; ’LADIES’ and ’GENTS,’ something like ’UNDECIDED.’

I say these people should have had their own latrines in which they could have shat their shit into.

Men & Women: The Difference

Men and Women: The Difference

Been around for years and finally FINALLY, I've just been able to work out the difference between men and women. It's so bally-well obvious that it was right infront of me all this time and one was not able to see it! Unbelievable!

So what is the difference? Of course when one writes that one isn't referring to people's wedding tackle and other such obvious accoutriments. No one is referring to a more fundamental difference that lies deep within ourselves that overides the bedroom equipment department.

So what is it? Well it's obvious when one puts one's mind to it

David Shayler Trapped Inside the Body of David Shayler

Someone inside the body of someone else

Look at this. This is David Shayler, the former MI5 civil servant who blubbed about UK government secrets to the press. Clearly with nowhere to go with his life since that episode he has gone into himself to do some soul searching. And what did he find? He found that he was one of those people who are one member of a genital group who thinks they are trapped inside the body of the opposite genital group.

In fact the condition doesn't even have a medical name and the default tital 'Woman trapped inside a Man's body' is merely a façon de parler.

Well one doesn't get it! If this is the case why can't he just try on an appropriate pair of genitally grouped underpants and be done with? And that goes for the lot of em!