Admiral Nelson Mandela: An Obituary

 Admiral Nelson Mandela

One is sad to announce the death of one of the greatest leaders of the modern age.
 
Earlier today the global statesman Admiral Half-Nelson Mandela died peacefully at his home near the coast, as he did like to be beside the seaside, beside the sea.

After defeating P.W. Bonaparte at the battle of Trafalgar Square in 1815 over the hated Poll Tax by getting him in a one-armed head lock, (the Half-Nelson), Nelson went and hid in a place called Robben Island to get some rest and relaxation for the next 185 years until 1990 or something like that.

Seamus Heaney: An Obituary and Tribute

Rusty Bike

One has just heard about the death of an Irish poet called Seamus Heaney. Poets are very nice and all that sort of thing but poetry is very easy don cha know so I can't see what all the fuss is about.

Anyway, one realises that Seamus Heanous was a very popular poet and influcenced many people with his literary witticisms and ability to make things rhyme. But ultimately this is all a load of overblown fuss, storm in a teacup and all that.
 
Nevertheless, occasions like these warrant some kind of dedication to the man for providing much happiness to people especially his literary agent who made a fortune promoting Seamus' work.

So to that end I thought I would throw my lot in and pen a poetic ditty to the man, to not only encapsulate the essence of his life but to try to evoke the passion and spirit that he conveyed as he

Ray Harryhausen: An Obituary

Found Up Arse

Just been reading about Ray Harryhausen the legendary visual effects animator who sadly died earlier this week of constipation.

During his long life Harryhausen pioneered research into medication for constipation in the film industry. This was known colloquialy as Stop Motion Visuals although why anyone would want to visualise this sort of thing is completely beyond me. Additionally Stop Motion also gave him a chance to make forays into colonic irrigation, appendicitus, dysentry, gihardia, incontinence and blowing off.

Prof. Robert Edwards: An Obituary

Father Again for the Umpteenth Time

Just been reading about Professor Robert Edwards who died at the age of 87. This was the man who help literally hundreds of thousands of women get pregnant.

The dirty bleeder!! Didn't think it was possible for someone like him to do it at all let alone with hundreds of thousands of women. He must have been at it all day for the last thirty years! The man is an animal!

He shoud be ashamed of himself! The man is a beast! And what exactly is it that women see in him? I mean he was 87 and looked like a prune! I knew I should have been a doctor! Women love that sort of thing in a man. It's shameful!

How did he get away with it? And there is the blasted cost! All those children must have cost a fortune! Where did he get the money from? Let alone the energy. One can barely manage it once a week let alone do it with hundreds of thousands of women. He must scarely had the chance to go home. No wonder he's got such a massive grin on his face. It's just not fair!

Margaret Thatcher: An Obituary

Margaret Thatcher in her role as Meryl Streep

Just heard about the death of Lady Margaret Thatcher

This incredible woman was a controversial character that was both divisive and yet decisive. Her life was a series of struggles with the established order and with the men and institutions of her time.

The hightlight of her career came when she won the Oscar for Best Actress in the film The Iron Lady where she portrayed Meryl Streep who had won three general elections for her portrayal of a Leader of the Conservative Party.

Sir Patrick Moore: An Obituary

Sir Patrick Moore as 007

Just read the sad news that Sir Patrick Moore, the first astronomer to portray James Bond has sadly died at the age of 89

Moore was borne in England on the 4th March 1923 under the star sign of Sagittarius. He regarded this as poppycock and maintained to his dying days that he was in fact born under a cherry tree.

After joining the RAF in the Second World War he developed a strong interest in spy-glasses and spies.

After the end of the war he put both these interests together and auditioned for the role of James Bond after Sean Connery started pantomime at the Brixton academy. Moore’s first film as the heroic super spy was ‘Live and Let Die’

While the film received critical and commercial success Moore was dissatisfied in the part. He went into some kind of depression and started doing his homework from Mrs Shufflebottom’s maths class way back in April 1937. It was this that gave him inspiration to look at the moon through his telescope.

In particular he became an expert in the far side of the moon and worked together with Pink Floyd on one of their albums.

This gave him inspiration to write a screenplay to the next James Bond film entitled Moonraker. Moore was in his element again and loved every moment of the shooting. Moore changed his name to Roger after this and then changed it back again to Patrick.

Among his acquaintances were Yuri Gagarin; the first man in space, Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player on the moon and finally Orville Wright the first man to have his flies undone for more then twenty yards. All of these men Moore had personally kicked in the testicles after lulling them into a false sense of security by giving them some of his mother’s treacle pudding.

A great man, astronomer and actor. He shall be greatly missed.

Courtney: An Obituary

Rest In Peace Courtney Loyal Servant

One is sad to announce that my butler, valet, personal assistant and chauffeur Courtney passed away recently.

One is saddened beyond description as the stinker owed me seven guineas from the gee-gees. That horse was a dead-cert even though it was 200/1. It's just that the other horses fell ill, one couldn't get out of the starting gate two of the others threw their riders leaving only my horse and 'Arse-biscuit' to finish the race.

It wasn't his job to evaluate whether the horse would win or not. All he had to do was to do as he was bloody well told. I didn't pay him to think!  Instead he put the money on that blasted nag 'Twenty Hotels' on 10/2. It was the bloody favourite wasn't it! naturally I'd fixed it so the blasted animal would fall at the first fence.

Lost that lolly because of him and he always refused to pay it back! What a ghastly little man he was. But you just can't get the staff any more these days and now I have to foot the bill for his funeral too!

Neil Armstrong: An Obituary

Armstrong and His Trumpet

Today marks the passing of one of the real heroes of the United States of America.

Yes Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player to walk on the moon, has died at the age of 82.

Before becoming a trumpet playing astronaut he was a United States Naval Officer and had had an exemplary career as a pilot in the Korean war flying 78 missions, 20 of which were for combat: shooting down several Communist Balalaika playing fighter jets.

Tony Scott: An Obituary

Thinking of the Kids

Just heard about the death of film director Tony Scott who has died this week.

Scott was a director of action films that left the viewer with no necessity to use their brain. In fact the less brain you used the more chance you would stand of being able to make it to the end. In this sense his work mirrored his life as he clearly wasn't thinking when he left his two young sons completely fatherless.