Saturday, 29 September 2012

Courtney: An Obituary

Rest In Peace Courtney Loyal Servant
One is sad to announce that my butler, valet, personal assistant and chauffeur Courtney passed away recently.

One is saddened beyond description as the stinker owed me seven guineas from the gee-gees. That horse was a dead-cert even though it was 200/1. It's just that the other horses fell ill, one couldn't get out of the starting gate two of the others threw their riders leaving only my horse and 'Arse-biscuit' to finish the race.

It wasn't his job to evaluate whether the horse would win or not. All he had to do was to do as he was bloody well told. I didn't pay him to think!  Instead he put the money on that blasted nag 'Twenty Hotels' on 10/2. It was the bloody favourite wasn't it! naturally I'd fixed it so the blasted animal would fall at the first fence.

Lost that lolly because of him and he always refused to pay it back! What a ghastly little man he was. But you just can't get the staff any more these days and now I have to foot the bill for his funeral too!

Friday, 28 September 2012

Justin Beleiber, Believer, Beiber Bieber Whateber!

Silly Little Boy
What in God’s name is a Belieber? It sounds like someone who doesn't drink enough alcohol! Maybe that's an imbiber?

We'll anyway it is supposed to be something to do with a dreadful little child called Justin Beiber or is that Beleeiber, Biebier, belieber... whateiber. This little blighter is only about eight years old yet lots of adults like him, sounds like pedophile fodder if you ask me.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Drug Addict Photos: Before and After!!

Heroin Addict Before.............. After
Just been reading about heroin and the effect it has on those whom consume it.

Apparently the fools that take this stuff are off their bloody rockers! Don't have a clue what is going on and are not able to care either. Kind of envy them in a way!

Anyway they become so deluded that they rapidly decline in terms of mental health and become so addicted that everything in their lives revolves around the acquisition of money to buy heroin, Kind of envy them in a way.

Addict: Sulkin Before....... After
The result is that these people lose their jobs, homes, friends and acquaintances. After that they turn to criminal activity such as mugging people and fraud.

Frequently they end up in gaol at the tax payers expense! So we are still giving them handouts!! Don't know about you but I bloody well had to work other people to the bone to get where I am today so it is pretty galling when I see this lot being spoiled by being thrown in goal or rehabilitation centres when they could easily be placed on a pile of manure. When will it all end? 

Addict: Winehouse Before..... After
But the worst thing about it is that simply increases the number of ugly people patrolling the streets! Who do they think they are? One has attached a few photos to look at to compare these people how they were before taking drugs and what they were like after. Its a disgrace!

It is clear that what these people need is help, care and assistance for their condition. I recommend more make-up. Failing that they could just simply put a bag on their head? And preferably a plastic one at that.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

SPWA and a Heavy Metal Concert

Heavy Metal Concert
One is not usually keen on modern musich but last night one went to a Heavy Metal Concert in London.

Got to say it was absolutely spiff-o. One watched the band for two hours belting out hit after hit of rollickingly thundering music bringing down the house all over the place

Friday, 21 September 2012

Famine in Africa

Just seen pictures on the telly about the latest famine in Africa. 

Can't believe that this sort of hoo-haa goes on in the 21st Century. Apparently hundreds of thousands of plebians are suffering needlessly because there just isn't enough food where they are. 

According to the W.H.O. this sort of thing goes on alot! And from looking at all the pictures on the telly I’m hardly surprised there’s a blasted famine there. I mean I didnt see a single bloody supermarket anywhere. Not even a corner shop or an ice cream van. No wonder they’re all starving hungry!

What's the matter with these people? If one wants to go on holiday one goes to a place where there is basic public facilities not a wide open field full of poor people! What in God's name are these people up to? 

Still, one has bought a van and is sending it there to churn out a few kebabs, with that lot going hungry I can charge whatever I like. One is going to make a killing

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Losing One's Marbles!!

What is the blasted world coming to?!!!

I've been walking around all day aware of a ghastly smell in the air!

I thought it was the wretched estate next door experimenting with chemical toilets but no. Turns out I went to the kharzi this morning and forgot to pull my down my trousers!

That's the third time I've done that this week! Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?

My God is this the way it ends for everybody? It's frightening if you ask me. Getting old and decrepit, loosing ones senses and all that mularky! Can't the blasted government do anything about it? No that's right they won't do anything about. They can put a trumpet player on the moon but ask em to stop aging and they pretend they haven't got a clue. It's a damn conspiracy if you ask me. In fact it's so frightening one could easily shit oneself if one thought about it too much.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Conspiracy Theorists!

You know One is absolutely sick to the tip top of my head with all the conspiracy theories going around about anything.

One has tried to address a couple of conspiracies on this Web Log, one a few days ago and one a few  months ago about President of the United States commonly known as K.F.C. or was that K.F.J or something like that.

Well one thinks that the conspiracy theorists are behind everything! I mean how many of those bleeders were in the Twin Towers when they were hit? Well? How many? None! And how many of them were there when the Fuckishima nuclear power station exploded? None! Furthermore how many of them were there when that fool Timothy McVie blew up that large government building in that movie 'Oklahoma?' Again None!

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Greenhouse Gas Emissions

Gas Emissions
See this man? It's Kinnock! Remember him? The Welsh Wind-bag and one time bleeder of the opposition and I'm telling you this man has got a problem.

I was on a plane bound for that ghastly Gatwick Airport last night and it was Kinnock who jumped the queue infront of me. Apparently, working for that Fascio/Stalinist European Union entitles it's employees to queue hop. Well not in my books it doesn't.

So Anyway, mid-way through the flight, after the hostess had served me with my fourth glass of a rather cheeky little Cotes du Rhone, Reserve Chartreuse de Bonpas, Louis Bernard 2007 one had the need to visit the aeroplane's latrine. 

One got out of my first class chair and made my way to the little boys room. When I arrived the blasted door was locked and there was some person inside wiping their backside.

Well after ten minutes the door unlocked and it was old Kinnock again! The fool stepped out with a typical One-is-better-than-thou smirk all over his stupid face and returned to his seat. I then stepped into the kharzi and my God I can tell you, the stink?!

What in Bonaparte's Balls had that man eaten for lunch? It was horrendous! It was like some sick animal had crawled up his arse and died. Just how much gas he had emitted much have been incalcuable? My God it could have filled a bloody Zeppelin. And just how he was able to stay in their for that long is completely beyond me too. He must have been using a gas mask.

And God alone knows how is wife is able to lie in the same bed as him without being blasted out of the window every once in a while. If ever there was a reason for a hole in the ozone layer then he is it.

Just the thrust from his backside could have been enough to propel our aeroplane forwards to supersonic flight.

I'm not surprised that they banned smoking on planes with his sort flying in em, just one light from a match and the entire thing would go up into pieces.

Friday, 14 September 2012

Women in Show Business

Famous Enduring Women
You know one has been hearing alot recently about women in show business.

The general idea seems to be that the Hollywood studios take em in when they are young, stick em in a couple of films for cinema and then get rid of em in favour of the next new thing to hit the town. Or if they last a few more years than that they end up playing stereotypical roles once they get beyond the age of twenty-five, usually this is the role of a mother of two cute little bastardly children.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Iphone 5: Review

Those decent jonnies at Apple Inc had the wherewithal to send me one of their new Iphones for me to cast my opinion on.

One has to say that one was not as impressed as with the previous version. This was related mainly to issues of weight.

The previous incarnation was 20% heavier. As you can imagine this meant that when I threw the new Iphone 5 at some passing Gypsies when it hit one of them it caused less of an injury than the previous one did. Admittedly, I was able to throw it slightly further but one considers the distance in length was affecting the accuracy of my shot; the further away the target the more diffucult it is to hit. So whilst I was aiming to hit the eldest Gypsy child I actually hit her blasted mother instead.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

How to Save Water and Paper

Life is a game. When one finds the time for deep introspection, one finds that one simply doesn't have enough happiness to buy enough money.

I mean why should I cough up on things like say, for example, lavatory water, which falls from the sky for free, but then the blasted water companies have the gall to charge ME for it! I mean what the blazes is that all about?

And I don't see why I should have to pay for other related things like lavatory paper either?! I mean what is the point of paying for paper that one uses to wipe one's backside upon. I mean paper is for writing on don cha know. What kind of person is it that voluntarily pays for arse-wiping material? They must be sick!

So this is why this morning I was especially peeved to find that my local pub was closed. Didn't want a drinky you understand but since 1978 one has been using the toilets there every day to help cut down on the water bill at home. 

They didn't even have the decency to warn me about it the night before, when I had popped in to have shit one the way home from the local Indian Restaurant. 

Doesn't anyone care about anyone anymore nowadays. All people can do is think about nothing other than themselves. It's a disgrace!

In the end one had no other option and was forced to relieve one's self in one of those foul portable latrines provided by British Telecom. What a ghastly start to the day!

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

9/11 Conspiracy Theory

This is the real reason why the Twin Towers Fell:
Two Godzilla shaped Conspiracy Theorists thought their
Conspiracy was better than the bla bla bla....
Got this air-tight, tip-top conspiracy theory as to what actually happen on 9/11 in those dreadful events in New York, Washington D.C. and a field in Pennsylvania back in 2001.

It's a very controversial theory but the evidence backs up everything I say so prepare yourself.

Some codger called Bin Laden, who was in possession of large amounts of anger management issues, told a few of his cohorts to fly aeroplanes into the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

The cohorts promptly jumped on a few aeroplanes, wrestled control of the things from the pilots and then flew them into the Twin Towers, the Hexagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Religious Conversion

Had some noveau-religious people knocking on my door the other day. I thought they had come to read the gas metre at first as they were very well dressed. This was my first mistake! 

The second mistake was to not question their opening statement which went 'Do you want to be happy?' Stupidly I thought that these men from the gas board were there to give me free gas for a month, no! Instead they gave me free gas for about twenty minutes as they blabbered on about how their God had made them happy.

Well they weren't making me very happy I can tell you. They promised me that conversion to their religion would mean enlightenment. Enlightenment?! What the blazes is that supposed to mean? 

They went on to describe that Enlightenment would mean that while everybody else’s life would be dark mine would shine in amongst theirs like a deep golden shaft of light.

And if you ask me that exactly where I should have thrown these people; down a deep shaft, preferably one leading to a coal mine.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Pepsi Challenge

Cola Challenge
Was skulking along the blasted high street in Chipping Norton this afternoon when I was accosted by a tall attractive woman asking me if I wanted to take the Pepsi Challenge.

Always up for a chance to win some money I took her up on the offer.

She presented me with two cans of chemically coloured sugary water (can't beat a bottle of the old Chablis you know) and told me to chose which one suited my taste.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Homeless Children

That's The Spirit. These Kids Are Halfway There Already
Was intercepted in the street this morning by an attractive young womean (sic) asking me if I wanted to help with homeless children.

'Certainly Not!' I retorted. 'There's quite enough of the little perishers about as it is without me contributing more.'

One had had enough of children sponging off of me years ago with that bleeder of a son of mine Cuthbert. He did nothing but scrounge off me for the first six years of his life before I packed the little shit off to Eton.