Sunday, 30 December 2012

USA Gun Laws: The Solution

Thought I'd give me tuppence worth regarding the current state of affairs in the United States of America about the gun laws. This debate crops up every few months or so  just after they have one of their massacres or killing sprees, usually of children, in a school or shopping mall, followed by long periods of inactivity.

The latest two sprees involved twenty-six people being mown down in the Sandy Hook high school in a place called Newtown, Connecticut and then a few days later some crafty jonny opened fire on the fire brigade after he lured them to a blaze which he had started.

After all this the organisation that advocates people carrying guns willy-nilly, the NAZIonal Rifle Association proposed an end to all this sort of thing by recommending more people carrying guns so then can shoot anybody that tries to shoot them first! Well that's all very well but how are small children supposed to carry an AK-47 or a Howitzer! One blast of the trigger from an automatic assault rifle and the child will fly backwards into the nearest wall, probably taking out several of their classmates aswell!  A silly idea but that is what the Nazional Rifle Association thinks will do the trick.

To this end I called their HQ and demanded to speak to one of the people in charge to tell them what a ridiculous idea it was. Of course my point of view was completely over his head and he threatened to shoot me if I ever contacted him again. Should have seen that coming.

So what is the answer to this conundrum? Well after a large glass of port the solution came to me in a flash! In fact it's so easy that one has already started celebrating with a bottle of Chambertin Rousillion de Vin Pays 1956!

It's simple, rather than shooting lots of school children, the executive members of the Nazional Rifle Association could be shot instead. With them being hoisted by their own petards the innate hypocracy of their argument will be revealed. It's the only sort of language that these people understand.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

How Many Languages in the World?

Drone, Waffle, Blab, Bore, Natter and Crap!
Was walking along the high street yesterday when some fellow approached me with a look upon his countenance that was indicative of his wanting something from me. 

Seeing as it was around Christmas time I thought I would give the man the benefit of the doubt and at least listen to what the bleeder wanted. Well anyway he got up to me and muttered something incomprehensible.

Initially, one thought that he was a drunkard seeking to alleviate me of some of MY money. Well odds-bodkins one doesn't need that kind of thing at this time of the year! 

So before I had the chance to shoo the man away he muttered it again! But he wasn't slurring his words and also there was no sign of him having passed water in his undergarments. So one demanded that he repeat himself and he did. But one still couldn't get one's ear around what the fool was uttering and he muttered something more. 

One started to get irate with the man and demanded that he speak clearly. It was only as I was about to demand that that fool apologise to me for looking at me that I realised what was going on. The man was in fact not speaking English! He was speaking that other global language that everybody else speaks. Yes that's right he was just speaking foreign. Well those are the only languages I know of, English and Foreign. Realising this I looked at sorry fellow and tried to communicate with him that I couldn't speak foreign by shouting very loudly the following;


Of course the fool continued speaking foreign! I mean what is the world coming to? One would have thought that everyone in the world spoke English by now! But no by Jimeny they do not! So there was nothing left for me to do but to start thrashing the fellow. And rather than taking it like a man the utter coward ran away. And do you know what another fellow approached me a few minutes later also muttering in foreign! In fact all day I could hear the pagan swine muttering in foreign. 

That's the last time I go to Belgium for a weekend break.

Friday, 28 December 2012

Piers mOrgan Deportation Petition

Nazional Rifle Association
One has just read that there is a petition in the United States to get Piers Morgan deported.

The reason for this is because he spoke out in favour of a stricter gun control within the United States after the Connecticut shootings in which twenty-six people had had their brains splattered all over the place thus dying.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Merry Christmas, One and All.

Merry Christmas/Easter
See this picture? One feels that, since there is an economic crisis, it would be wise to set an example to all those out there without money and show how one would go about economising on things if one were in the same situation.

So to that end one's good friend and all round Bon Vivant Lord Michael Brown of Vancouver, Canada has designed this Christmas/Easter card combo. It captures both the essence of Easter and the joy of Christmas.

Furthermore, one can keep it on the mantelpiece for at least four months, depending on when Easter falls next year of course.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Good Christmas Deed for the Day

I am a Truely Generous Man
You know one of the good things about being me is that I sometimes surprise even myself with my generosity of spirit and the like.

Take today for example. I was moseying down the street in a cheerful mood when I saw this decrepit wretch begging for money whilst sitting on the cold, wet floor. The man was a pathetic sight and also smelled of a combination of dried urine and congealed urine. Truely dreadful. Not only that but he was wearing a trenchcoat and walking boots!! Can you imagine that?

Nevertheless, the Christmas spirit has taken a hold of one and the cheer has permeated it's way into one's heart and all that sort of thing.

So I approached the chappie with a big smile upon my face and went and told him what my Christmas menu was going to be along with the winelist.

He muttered some incomprehensible gibberish so I told him that he needed to be grateful to God just for the pleasure of being alive. After all isn't life worth living for the sake of living it?

I then stopped some passer by and persuaded the man to give some money to the wretch on the floor. Life is truely wonderful don cha know.

Sunday, 16 December 2012

Youth of Today!

Male? Female? Get them to vomit!
Egads Man! One was out last night in the centre of the little town of Charlton Heston whereupon I came across some young people socialising in the street.
One noticed that half the young chaps had their trousers so low as to make their underpants visible to the world at large! It’s a disgrace!

The ladies were a different kettle of fish! They actually concealed their underwear beneath their pantaloons. One seems to recall that it used to be almost the other way around! Ridiculous!

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Sir Patrick Moore: An Obituary

Sir Patrick Moore as 007
Just read the sad news that Sir Patrick Moore, the first astronomer to portray James Bond has sadly died at the age of 89

Moore was borne in England on the 4th March 1923 under the star sign of Sagittarius. He regarded this as poppycock and maintained to his dying days that he was in fact born under a cherry tree.

After joining the RAF in the Second World War he developed a strong interest in spy-glasses and spies.

After the end of the war he put both these interests together and auditioned for the role of James Bond after Sean Connery started pantomime at the Brixton academy. Moore’s first film as the heroic super spy was ‘Live and Let Die’

While the film received critical and commercial success Moore was dissatisfied in the part. He went into some kind of depression and started doing his homework from Mrs Shufflebottom’s maths class way back in April 1937. It was this that gave him inspiration to look at the moon through his telescope.

In particular he became an expert in the far side of the moon and worked together with Pink Floyd on one of their albums.

This gave him inspiration to write a screenplay to the next James Bond film entitled Moonraker. Moore was in his element again and loved every moment of the shooting. Moore changed his name to Roger after this and then changed it back again to Patrick.

Among his acquaintances were Yuri Gagarin; the first man in space, Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player on the moon and finally Orville Wright the first man to have his flies undone for more then twenty yards. All of these men Moore had personally kicked in the testicles after lulling them into a false sense of security by giving them some of his mother’s treacle pudding.

A great man, astronomer and actor. He shall be greatly missed.

Monday, 10 December 2012


Couldn't predict how shit his predictions
were going to be.
Was listening to the wireless whilst motoring down to Chepstow yesterday afternoon when this chappie came on talking about that 15th Century fortune teller called Nostradamus.

Apparently Nostradamus was able to foretell future events concerning individuals, nations, various armies, improvements in latrine technology, the fates of several nasty dictators and all that sort of thing.

The guest speaker was talking about his book that had just been and updated.

That in itself was enough to throw the whole caboodle out the blasted window in my books! I mean why did the book have to be updated if it was a book about predictions? That on it’s own is enough to show that the first book was wrong in the first place.

The whole thing is a complete shower! Full of codswallop about things that are supposed to happen but never will. I don't trust it one bit!

And another thing, if this Nostradamus book was supposed to be so accurate then how come it hasn't been able to predict just how shit it is? Answer me that why don't you!!!

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Men & Women: The Difference

Men and Women: The Difference
Been around for years and finally FINALLY, I've just been able to work out the difference between men and women. It's so bally-well obvious that it was right infront of me all this time and one was not able to see it! Unbelievable!

So what is the difference? Of course when one writes that one isn't referring to people's wedding tackle and other such obvious accoutriments. No one is referring to a more fundamental difference that lies deep within ourselves that overides the bedroom equipment department.

So what is it? Well it's obvious when one puts one's mind to it