Thursday, 25 October 2012

Auguste Renoir: Le déjeuner des canotiers

Auguste Renoir: Le Déjeuner des Canotiers
August Renoir's Le déjeuner des canotiers or in it’s proper form ’The Luncheon of the Boating Party’ is one of his finest impressionist style paintings

Renoir like other impressionist painters of that period substituted form in favour of colour and light to render depictions of nature or society functions. Previously, art had been studio based with artificial light being depicted but the impressionists forwent this traditional enclosed style to express themselves wholly in terms of natural colour, feeling and cat food.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

There are Some Really Clever Bastards

What's this Crap?!
Just been reading about some boffins at a technology company called HzO who are developing a substance that will waterproof mobile telephones.

Apparently experiments are going all tickety-boo with the current depth of water being one metre and the phone still remains in working order

So naturally all the boffins, tech wizards, geeks and clever little bastards that work there are delighted and patting themselves on the back.

Well let me tell you something! The only pat on the back these people deserve is one emanating from a cow. OK so the blasted phone works to a depth of one metre does it? Well no it doesn't! If one is one metre under water how the devil is one supposed to speak? or listen for that matter? All anyone would here is the blub blub blubbing of air exiting from one’s mouth.

This company is full of cretins! No wonder the country is going to the dogs. This has got to be one of the most stupidest ideas I've ever seen in my life! And what is all the hullabaloo about one metre of water? So what! I know several people that could piss one metre of water!

Friday, 19 October 2012

Monthly Horoscope: Libra

The Ware-Armitage horoscope: Libra

With Saturn entering the venus transitional phase cycle and the sun shining out of Uranus this is a time to do those things that ought to have shown the way for all the same.

A transient cycle between Capricorn and Western-Super-Mare will result in a tired feeling all the rest of the day and possibly for older Librans a large coronary.

It is important that at this one time in the year in order to do the necessary things that will facilitate it.

But take heed to do the right thing here as this will mean the wrong thing is too much about nothing even if none of them will show what way it is impossible to work.

Do this at your leisure or that big homosexual will do that thing that he promised to do over the last six months

Remember that libra is the sign to show that all the others signs are there too in order to demonstrate that it is a time of when there should not be so much.

For further details call the Ware-Armitage hotline at no less than £20.00 per minute.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Lance Armstrong: First Cyclist on the Moon

Apparent Evidence of Armstrong's Moon Landing
Writing to give my ha’penny’s worth about that tour-de-France steroid cheat Lance Armstrong and cycling obsessive.

He first came to prominence in the late 1960’s after being the first man to ride a bicycle on the moon.

After that his life took a turn for the worst as nobody believed he had ever even been in an aeroplane let alone outer space.

He proceeded to claim that he rode his bicycle around the world in eighty days and again nobody believed this.

In order to prove his credentials he contacted Freddie Mercury whereupon, according to him, produced a song with Freddie entitled ’I want to ride my bicycle.’ Regrettably nobody believed this either.

He then advised Norman Tebbit’s Dad to go and look for work on his bike in the early 1980’s. While this was good advice Tebbit Snr had been dead for many a year.

Later in that decade Armstrong claims to have been instrumental in teaching Michael Jackson how to walk on the moon. Alas Jackson refuted any claims from Armstrong regarding this matter stating categorically that he was playing with some children at that time.

Lacking somewhat in credibility Armstrong, pining for the days of gravitational shock waves, G-forces and floating weightless on his Raleigh Roadster decided to take control of his life. Yes he embarked on a course of performance enhancing drugs. The highs from these drugs were so extensive that he was over the moon at least three times a week.

He then cycled around France in the great tour six times winning each time. It was this credibility that finally gave him the self-worth he had been hankering for since his alleged moon landing.

Alas the performance enhancing drugs were his undoing as they were forbidden under normal gravitational conditions and his friend ’Buzz’ Aldrin, grassed him up to The Police whom Armstrong claims stole the lyrics to his song entitled ’Walking on the moon.’ This was strongly denied by Sting who’s songs were a load of old codswallop anyway.

Eventually the International Cycling Federation promptly took Armstrong’s titles away from him citing his stupidity as the main reason and his drug use.

Armstrong is currently at home near a small town called Charlton Heston writing his autobiography entitled ’On Yer Bike!’

Monday, 15 October 2012

S.P.W.A - v - Armani

Would you buy clothes from this man?

S.P.W.A. was walking along the street this morning

W.A.G.   was walking in the opposite direction

S.P.W.A. and W.A.G. were on collision course.

S.P.W.A. moved a little to the left

W.A.G.   remained on course

S.P.W.A. moved a little more to the left

W.A.G.   kept on

S.P.W.A. moved back to the right a little

W.A.G.   kept on

S.P.W.A. aligned his briefcase with W.A.G.’s shopping bag

W.A.G.   kept on course

S.P.W.A. increased speed

W.A.G.   kept on course obviously thinking she had divine right to use the pavement willy-nilly

S.P.W.A.’s briefcase was laden with personal documents and six house bricks.

W.A.G.   was carrying large paper bag with ’Armani’ written upon it.

S.P.W.A. knew what was coming

W.A.G.   didn't

S.P.W.A.s’ briefcase connected with W.A.G.s shopping bag.

W.A.G.s’ shopping bag entered lower Earth orbit earlier this afternoon

S.P.W.A. pisses himself laughing

W.A.G    starts blabbering some incomprehensible claptrap typical of that sort of non-recommendable person.

S.P.W.A. - 1 ..... Armani - O

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Intercontinental Ballistic Incontinence

Cure for Incontinence
As a person gets old that person starts losing full control of their bodily functions, for example copious quantities of wind being audibly released into atmospheres at social functions, dinner parties, evening balls, culinary soirees, polite company and all that sort of thing.

Of course great gargling gas emissions are just the tip of the ice-berg don cha know! Other people actually defecate in their own clothes! This actually happened to Great Uncle Whoopsie Ware-Armitage at The Palace circa 1927 when an accidental blast tore a whole right through his undergarments and trousers!

Well it need not happen ever again! No Sir by Jimeny it need not! For one has devised a super tip-top way to be rid of this blight upon human dignity once and for all.

That's right a cure ballistic incontinence. Not only that but the cure is so easy it'll make one an overnight millionaire!

It's simple, all one has to do is the following;

1) Obtain a long list of sufferers.

2) Confiscate all their trousers and underpants.

3) Pass a law forbidding these people from wearing below the navel garments. 

Then the next time they lose control of their solid waste expulsion musculature it all falls onto the floor or gets blasted onto the nearest wall of the post office leaving them standing there without beshitten undergarments.

Friday, 12 October 2012

David Sodding Blaine ! (Again)

Right Idea Blaine-Again.......
Oh for God’s sake it's that dreadful little oik of an attention-seeker David Blaine (Again.)

As per usual Blaine-Again is attempting to gain even more attention by showing us how clever he is (again.) This time by standing within the confines of a large electrical field, dressed as an idiot alledgedly putting his life in peril (again.)

Well you don’t need to be an supposed magician to pull a stunt like that, no Sir! What you need to be is one of the most insecure, lonely, boring, tedious, odious, monotonous, uninteresting, cloth-eared, swivel-eyed, fornicating little gits that have ever laid foot upon this earth.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Secret iPhone 5 Feature

It's a collect call!
You know that new iPhone 5 has an amazing feature on it that those clever fellows at Apple simply haven't told anyone about.

And the good thing is is that you don't even have to crack the damn thing to access this secret feature too, Incredible.

So what is this amazing feature? Well this is a good one. Those clever fellows at Apple made the iPhone 5 a little bit longer. They told journalists that this was to accommodate an extra layer of app iconographs but in reality this extension serves a greater purpose.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Jimmy Sa'VILE: A Dirty Rotter!

Jimmy Sa' VILE
Just writing about that ghastly human being Jimmy Savile.

While that dreadful person was alive he was revered throughout Great Britain not only as a tireless charity worker but also played a demented Radio 1 D.J. character presenting that nauseating programme Top Of The Plops.

Secretly the man used his television popularity as a way of grooming children before interfering with them willy-nilly for his own carnal lusts. It's a disgrace!

It's a breach of trust, that's what it is. He wormed his way up the greasy pole of that Paedo-Stalinist BBC solely for the purpose of putting himself in a position of respectability by which to abuse youngsters. It’s an absolute abhorrence that he used the BBC in this manner.

What he should have done was got a job teaching in public school. That would have been much more appropriate.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

The Peasants are Revolting!

Communal Latrines Reduce Water Bills
Had the water bill through from the munitions factory two weeks ago. Couldn’t believe it! It was through the roof.

Although production of weapons has increased over the last year or two, what with conflagrations in Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, not forgetting ever increasing demand from those drug barons in Mexico, the overall effect would not justify the increased water bill.

So what has been going on? Well after installing CCTV cameras all over the place it turns out that it is the fault of those wretched little workers.

It transpires that the bleeders have been using the toilets in the factory instead of their own ones at home to save money! What a ghastly shower of individuals.

Never to be out smarted by ’Le Grande Levee’ I had all the toilets torn out and replaced with communal dry latrines. This serves two purposes: the first is to cut down on the water bill and the second is to keep those blasted workers in their seats.

You see those dry latrines are an absolute abomination, they stink the place out within seconds and secondly you can't sit on em because they are a bit like a cat litter tray.

It’s so humiliating having to use those things that only the really desperate use them. Everybody else waits until they get back home before using the toilet.

Since being installed the water bill has gone down and production has gone up. Bonus

Saturday, 6 October 2012

So Sweet.... and Sour

Well strike me down with Jove’s jockstrap! You’ll never guess what I saw today?

Was walking along the high street in Norbiton when I saw the strangest thing. It was an oriental person walking a dog!

Just goes to show how the world is changing don cha know. In the olden days You’d never see an oriental person walking a dog no Sir by Jimeny you would not!

You’d see em eating the damn things! You’d never see them walking Fido or Spot in the street unless they had just kidnapped them and were on their way to get their throats slit that is.

I remember the joke that whenever an Oriental restaurant opened up nearby there would be a spate of local people's pets going missing. Well this is just no true! The pets never went missing! No Sir! They would end up in the char su-pow, that’s not missing.

But I will tell you what is missing right now and that is a large Gin and Tonic.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Family Planning Web Sites

By George there are some peculiar webular sites on the internet don cha know!

Recently one has noticed a proliferation of webular sites regarding family planning. For example, one of the ones I visited last night showed footage of a couple trying to start a family. Indeed many of these family planning webular sites show couples and even sometimes entire groups of couples trying to start families.