Friday, 31 August 2012

David Irving - Holocaust Denial

Irving: In Denial
Just been reading about that tricky chappie David Irving.

Irving is a proponent of a theory that the Holocaust never actually happened and that it was all a lie.

Poppycock! Of course it happened! Holcausts have been around for centruries. The Romans were the first lot who organised em when they invaded Britannia in 42 A.D. don cha know!

Their holocausts were rather primative affairs but in essence were the same as 20th Century ones that are known more widely as under-floor heating, designed to keep a house warm in winter time.

Most Roman Villas in Britannia had a holocaust and the evidence is still there today. I know because I saw it on 'Time Team' with that ghastly little actor Tony Robinson.

People like Irving should be ashamed of themselves trying to distort history. There's only one thing to do with people like that, lock em in a room and turn the gas on! That's the only sort of language that lot understand.

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Locked In Syndrome. An Explanation

Man On Floor
Locked-in syndrome is a ghastly stae of affairs that  can stirke a chap down will-nilly and the ladies too!

It can leave one totally incapacitated and completely dependent on others to fucnction in an ordinary everdy day sense.

This is what happens. One makes ones way to the nearest pub, orders a drinkie, then downs it pronto. One then orders serveral more drinkies and before one knows it one passes out under the table.

The landlord calls time and then buggers off home oblivious to one still being under the table.

After a while one awakens blabbering incomprehensibly due to the alchohol, staggers over to the door, passes water on the floor, throws up, then falls back down again on ones arse. All this to the tune of 'Glory Glory Halleluhjah.' One eventually gets to the door to go home but the blithering landlord has locked it! And there you are, locked-in syndrome. That's it in a nutshell.

Personally one can't see what all the hullabaloo is over this condition. I mean the last time it happened to me I just made my way to the optics and helped myself to a bottle of Gin and a bottle of tonic. You know the rest!

Monday, 27 August 2012

Pablo Picasso 'Guernica'

Very Nice Picture But Where is the Local Pub?
Guernica was created in response to the bombing of the town of the same name in the Basque Country in northern Spain.

The bombing was undertaken by German and Italian warplanes at the behest of Spanish Nationalist forces, on 26 April 1937, during the Spanish Civil War.

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Neil Armstrong: An Obituary

Armstrong and His Trumpet
Today marks the passing of one of the real heroes of the United States of America.

Yes Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player to walk on the moon, has died at the age of 82.

Before becoming a trumpet playing astronaut he was a United States Naval Officer and had had an exemplary career as a pilot in the Korean war flying 78 missions, 20 of which were for combat: shooting down several Communist Balalaika playing fighter jets.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Purported Sex Pest Assange Found!!

Freedom to Speak & Rape and Molest?
Futher to my previous post about the purported sex pest Assange in which it was apparent that he had been lost in the Ecuadorian Embassy it transpires he has turned up at a window.

The purported Sex Pest Assange was found standing at a window spouting complete rubbish about how clever he is and that nobody understands him. 

Well he's right! I don't understand him! How he can blabber on about freedom of information yet not return to Sweden on allegations of being a sex pest is beyond me.

Strikes me that the fool needs to read Richard Dawkins' book 'The God Delusion' before highlighting just how clever he thinks he is.

Anyone would think that by the way he conducts himself he is nothing more than a citizen of some crippity crappity corrupt South American tin-pot dicatorship.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

This'll Lift You Spirits

Having a Ball
Been aware that there has been lots of bad news on the blasted telly lately.

Well I've had enough of it don cha know!!

I've got just the tonic and this time it doesn't involve shooting animals. Yes I know bit boring but well when you've ran out of bullets you have to resort to clubbing the little beggars and I just can't be doing with that sort of thing.

Anyway, when One is feeling a bit hoarse and has ran out of weaponry one listens to this. Best to listen to it as loud as possible and on a decent set of speakers otherwise you just don't get the thundering of the drums. 

And take a look at the funny little conductor. Clearly he's having a ball and if he is why can't I? 

And remember... Loud!!..... and with Decent Speakers!

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Tony Scott: An Obituary

Thinking of the Kids
Just heard about the death of film director Tony Scott who has died this week.

Scott was a director of action films that left the viewer with no necessity to use their brain. In fact the less brain you used the more chance you would stand of being able to make it to the end. In this sense his work mirrored his life as he clearly wasn't thinking when he left his two young sons completely fatherless.

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Todd Akin: 'Women Don't Get Pregnant'

Doesn't Have Womb, Does Have Arse-Hole
Well Lawks-a-lordy I didn't know that! Some ghastly politico in the U.S.A. named Todd Akin has just revealed that rape victims don't get pregnant...

Apparently women's bodies are more intelligent than their brains and can choose whether or not to have a child conceived through non-consensual sexual intercourse. What is more women are not aware of this..... In fact nobody was except Todd Akin and presumably God too.

Well that's OK then isn't it!! So the purported-sex-pest-Assange doesn't have to face sexual assualt charges in Sweden any longer as the silly arse never endangered any of the women he is accused of fiddling with.

Also, by the logic of Akin, he wouldn't suffer pain if a mugger kicks him in his wedding tackle and he won't have to get diarrhoea if a penny pinching restaurant skimps on the cleaning duties and gives him food poisoning.

Furthermore, he won't bleed if a twit with a knife stabs him and finally he won't drop dead either if a burglar shoots the bleeder between the eyes.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Pussy Riot

Riotous Assembly
Just heard about the Russian Musical Ensemble called 'Pussy Riot' What in the name of Jove's Jockstrap is going on there then? 

These young ladies performed a political protest song in the middle of a church sermon. Thus upsetting the congregation and the like. Apparently they were protesting against the close links between the Russian Orthodox Church and President Vladimir Putin.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Purported Sex Pest Assange in Hiding

Is this the face of a sex pest?
For those not in the know this is Julian Assange the founder of Wikileaks.

This grasser is wanted by every government in the world for publishing their confidential communications, tip top secrets and whathaveyou.  

This snitcher is currently hiding in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London as he's facing extradition to Sweden because of allegations of sexual harrasment, rape and no doubt resembling a crettin.

At the moment the Ecuadorians have granted the dirty rat a Lunatic Asylum... (wish I knew what that meant)

What I don't get is if he's been hiding in the Ecuador embassy for the last two months why haven't they found him yet? One has been passed that embassy a few times and it isn't all that big. At max it would only have twenty rooms. Granted there are many cupboards and filing cabinets in it so the swine could be hiding in one of those but really... Two months! 

He could even be pretending to be a lampshade or a curtain but this is pushing it a bit far don't you think? Surely they must have smelled his B.O. by now?

The bit I find funny about this whole affair is that this man has spent his life dedicated to revealing everything he possibly can about governments, political figures and N.G.O's but isn't prepared to tell anyone HIS own whereabouts?

President Assad and the Conflict in Syria

Can't Buy Time
Just been reading about that beastly regime in Syria run by that ghastly Bashar Al-Assad.

The whole country has been a complete shower for nearly two years with insurgents battling it out against the government. Bashar Al-Assad's dad was in power for nearly forty years before that.

Both sides have been using force but the government has had nothing to hold it back as the international community has done nothing. Consequently it has razed whole towns to the ground killing and injuring thousands!

It's a disgrace. Governments are supposed to look after their people not massacre or over tax them! It could show moral courage by stepping down. Al-Assad's regime is after power for the sake power and the accompanying money that goes with it. All the ruling elite have vast piles of cash in Swiss Banks. They're all a bunch of arses! 

The whole lot of em are in it to use Syria to make cash for themselves! These people are in government for God's sake! They're supposed to be there for their own people not to cash in. They should do the decent thing, step aside, hand all the money back and go and live in exile in Russia not ingratiate themselves with riches and money and expensive luxury goods. Any excuse these bounder can find and they'll try to make a fast buck out of it! There is more to life than money don cha know! 

Anyway regarding the eventual outcome of this fiasco, here are the odds;

  • 10/2 .....Lynch-mob captures Assad and shoots him.
  • 28/4 .....Assad disappears completely.
  • 1000/2 ...Assad beheads himself (bit bizarrre that one!)
  • 5/2 ......Assad is caught and put on trial.
  • 9/3 .....Assad scurries away to Russia (My Hot Tip) 

Best pay the tax before you put the money on otherwise you'll have to pay a stinker of a percentage if you win. Last thing anyone wants is the blasted tax man getting his hands on our money.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Young People and Moral Values

Moral Mission
What is it all for hey? I mean one has tried to be good but the youth of today just don't get it?

For example, I was cursed with the necessity of having to go into a shop this morning! Yes that's right the blasted servant strike is still on.

Anyway the youth behind the counter greeted me with 'Awrigh mate?'

Mate? I'm not his wretched mate! Wouldn't be seen dead with that sort in the vicinity.

Modern youth have no guiding principles any more! It's a disgrace! That's what the church was for don cha know, to guide people to give em a firm foundation in life. But not any more eey gads man by heavens not at all.

No when I was a youngster it was totally different! I was guided by strong principles and values based upon peace, tolerance wisdom, respect and love. They made me the man that I am today!

Furthermore, it was this background which gave me the courage and fortitude necessary to fight in the war and hold myself together without losing my mind.

If it wasn't for all this I would never have been able to undertake innumerable peace missions throughout the world against tyranny and oppression. These peace missions brought justice, equality and the rule of law to everybody in the form of literally hundreds of thousands of tons of high explosive bombs dropped on their trains, train stations, residential areas, schools, hospitals churches and heads.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

50 Shades of Grey: Review

Mild Walk in the Park
Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel by British author E.L.James set largely in the American city of Skidadle, it traces the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. 

Apparently this book is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism or BDSM as Lady Dooms-Patterson calls it. 

Well I've read this novel and I can tell you now that there's no more BDSM in this novel than what I used to get when I was at school in Harrow.

Monday, 13 August 2012

Olympic Games, Bloody Marvellous!

Olympic Flame Burns Onwards
You know one is a bit of a curmudgeon and not usually prone to sentimentality.

However, the London Olympic Games have been absolutely super and I just want to give three cheers to all the athletes, officials and volunteers who participated.

One thinks the games are a super shiny, tip-top example to all those out there looking to do something with their lives.

One doesn’t have to be something spectacular, just be something. So get outside and become something, even if it is just a runner in your spare time two or three times a week. Or walking to work instead of taking a ghastly bus!

Anyone can do this, even all those good people out there who are clinically obese. Also, drug addicts and the unemployed. Along with riffraff, the stupid, the unintelligent and lazy bastards too!

Not forgetting morons and oafs of course and shitbags, scum, trailer-trash, heathen swine and Piers mOrgan too. 

The last two weeks of this Olympiad have been the best! Well done one and all and three cheers to the next Olympics in Rio De Janeiro!

Sir Pery Ware-Armitage

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Olympic Boxing Success

Investing in Today's Youth
The Olympic Boxing is just great! Anybody been following it?

You know boxing really is the noble sport going back over one hundred years. 

Today it has a firm foundation in the deprived areas of our towns and cities where successive blasted governments have failed to invest in the young people that so deservedly should have a better future.

It is to boxing that many of them turn to seek a way out of the urban chaos that can blight so many lives. It teaches discipline, respect and above all gives people a greater sense of self worth more than any government can provide.

Until governments start taking care of the youth of this country indeed of any country then Boxing is a way out for the deprived areas of our society. 

Also, there is nothing better on television these days than watching  working class people knocking the crap out of each other.

Friday, 10 August 2012

Urban Olympic Games

Fare-Dodge Champion
Javelin, discus, running, hurdles? All these sports were meant to reflect a chap’s abilities on the battle field in ancient times. That's what the Olympiad was devised for don cha know. That way nobody would get killed and everyone could have a jolly good old caper.

But these days the battle field has changed somewhat. So I suggest some new sports that reflect the modern warrior.
Weight Looting

1) The 100 metre drive-by shooting (self explanatory)

2) The Shove (Murderous policeman pushes a man to the ground with as much impunity as possible)
The Shove

3) Truncheon-Relay (a team of six policemen take it in turns to whack the crap out of someone)

4) The Suicide-Bomber hurdles

5) The Double-Jump (A hop and a jump onto a metro train pursued by three heavily armed policemen.)

6) Weight-looting (Running with a bulking object as fast as possible, i.e. plasma TV or microwave oven)

7) Fare-Dodging (jumping ticket barricades)

8) Arsen-o-thon (Setting fire to Buildings)

This is a complete winner! Think of the sponsorship deals. Any more suggestions do drop me a line.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

The Mona Lisa

Mystery Smile Solved
The Mona Lisa or La Giaconda as they say in Italy.

Painted by Leonardo Da Vinci a long time ago this painting has come to encapsulate not only an era when women were supposed to hold mystery to men but it also encapsulates the mystery of the painter himself. An enigma of a man who made very good seafood vol-au-vonts (apparently)

Anyway, her smile has beheld mankind ever since its first display. The slightness of its inflexion, the curve of its lip, the colour of its skin. The message she was trying to convey, was it one of sadness, loss, grief or some or all of these. 

Or was she just a tease? Trying to tempt Leonardo away from his work with the promise of her heavenly body for him to take hold of and thrill her for eternity.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Olympic Shooting Sport

Found a Volunteer?

Just been hearing and reading lately about the Shooting competition in the Olympic games.

People have been complaining that it is dull. One feels one must point out that this is a very important sport with just as much validity as javelin, discus the 400m and whathaveyou. They all test a chap's abilities on the field and his competence with a weapon.

Granted the shooting is pretty static but one has a suggestion to breath a bit of life into it.

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Lethal Drone Hits America

This is the weapon that everybody fears all around the world.

It is a drone that holds no mercy killing and maiming indiscriminately without feeling or empathy to all who stumble upon it.

It's methodology is simple. It hovers around for years on end until it can find a gap in the television schedules and then it inserts itself into that gap and hogs the screen for as long as possible.

Friday, 3 August 2012

Has Bean?

Good God what in Beelzebub's Balls was this clown doing in the Olympic opening ceremony? Making a complete arse of himself that's what he was doing.

He's another one who has had nothing else to do for the last 25 years except attract attention to himself. The fool does this by doing nothing other than pulling stupid expressions on his face and mumbling like a complete shower! Just like that woman Madonna.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Olympic Women's Badminton Teams disqualified!

No Idea About Cheating! A Disgrace!
Just read about the hoo-haa about the Olympic Badminton teams being disqualified!

Apparently the teams from China, South Korea and Indonesia were throwing the game so they could get an easy ride to the finals. Their tactic was to play badly in the heats but not so bad as they would get thrown out of the competition.

They did this by playing deliberate faults, playing into the net and generally looking very silly. In one game the umpire stepped in to sort them all out but even he failed. The teams even started getting booed by the audience as they were playing so obviously bad. The whole thing was a set up!

I mean who do these people think they are?! They're a disgrace! Fancy getting caught! Don't these people know how to cheat properly? You don't do it infront of thousands of people you bribe the umpires. Alternatively you can put laxatives in your opponents water. Even better you can crap yourself on the court and pretend that the opponents have put laxatives in your water. Then you will see them get disqualified, which is a bit more like it.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Lose Friends and Pass Effluence on People
Can't think of a more pointless book to read! Can't the author see that he has completely missed the point of life?

It's all about money! Money! Where in the book was the bit about Money? It's all very well him telling everyone what to do to be very popular AND influence them but what about if you don't want any friends. Well I don't have friends so what has he got to say about that?

No Sir By Jimeny I have servants (before they went on strike) I've been winning servants for years without having to be nice to them. Yes that's right I thrash the living crap out of em don'cha know!

And you can forget the influence too. I use effluence! Several buckets of that and the promise of an endless supply and the blighters will soon be doing anything you tell em to do, that's what makes the world go round!