World Book Day

Right then! Today is World Book Day which I think is absolutely marvellous don cha know!

World Book Day started in Spain in 1923 by a load of booksellers who wanted to mark the anniversary of the death of Migueal di Cervantes on the 23rd April, who was shot in the head from a book suppository by a man called Lee Herve Osvaldo.

Actually at that time it wasn't called World Book Day as it was only commemorated by people in Spain so I suspect they called it something like Spanish Book Day you get the general idea.

In Britain the day is celebrated on the 5th March as the 23rd April happens during school holidays and no teacher in their right mind is going to celebrate it when they could be in the pub. Personally I think it was moved to this day in Britain for reasons of pig-headedness but I can't prove that.

NHS Winter Meltdown

Freezing Cold Journos (Please don't laugh aloud)

NHS (National Health Service) waiting times have shot up during the winter period here in the UK as a direct consequence of financial cuts. "We're just completely unable to cope "said one nurse at an unnamed Accident and Emergency unit in Stafford, "it's fucking shit," she added. Regrettably this just seems to be the tip of the iceberg. 

How to Prevent Hatred on Twitter and Facebook

Trouble-Making

Right then! There appears to be a lot of hatred and negativity on the internet these days about anything that is possible to be hateful against. Typically it always seems to be focussed on people of different religious beliefs, cultures and nationalities. This hatred is usually characterised by the differences between people rather than what we have in common. It's a disgrace!

Terrorism in Paris

Errorists

There was error in Paris as extremists brought fear and panic to the streets. 'I awoke in the morning and it was just an ordinary day but by the time it had finished there was fear, panic and error everywhere.' said one Paris resident.

What had started as an ordinary day finished with thousands of journalists from all over the world, except the Islamic State spreading fear, panic, lies exaggeration and error.

Latest Eurozone Forecast Results

 Growth Forecast 

Results just released this morning show disappointing results from both France and Germany over the third quarter. Both countries have been affected by the economic slow down that has brought havoc across the Eurozone. 

In total Germany has seen only a 0.1% rise in news stories worthy of talking about which, in practical terms means a total of 10,352 news stories across the media in the third quarter. Meanwhile in France news stories have done better than expected at 0.3% for the same period equating to nearly 17,645 different news stories.

Actors: A Modern Menace

Jolie Good Show

I was watching a documentary the other day, in fact several documentaries at the cinema no less when it occured to me that not everything in these 'documentaries' were as they seemed.

I first had a suspicion that something was a little fishy when I saw a magnificent documentary many years ago in which a businessman had brought dinosaurs back to life on a remote island in the Pacific Ocean by extracting DNA from mosquitos that had been preserved in amber from tree sap etc. 

Well it's just occured to me what the blazes is going on! Some of these documentaries have actors in them portraying people in real life! That's deception! It's misleading! It's a disgrace! 

Far too many actors are distrubed individuals anyway, some of them are even disturbed,  constantly trying to be the centre of attention, talking about themselves, copulating with as many people as they can get away with, astealing from clothes shops because they feel as though THEY shouldn't have to go through the indignity of having to actually pay for things, urinating in telephone boxes, hitting people, posing in restaurants, snorting drugs, starting up strange religions, joining strange religions and generally showing orff in public. Have they no shame?! (actually this sounds like quite a good night out!) 

How do Deal with the Paparazzi.

A Cat

The Paparazzi! Yes that's right the Paparazzi. These individuals make me want to throw up all over the place; floor, ceiling, walls, the cat etc, you name it and I'll throw up all over it.

The Paparazzi have been making a fortune unscrupulously snapping shots of wealthy, famous and glamorous people such as myself and Princess Diana for years by selling their photos to newspapers and magazines. 

S.P.W.A. Blog: Top 10 Reviews of 2013

Year In Review

Dear readers,

over the last year my ghost writers have been busily writing my blog to tell everyone what everything in the world is really all about and to put things right here and there. 

Over the course of 2013 I received many requests from people begging me to stop this blog and to go and hang myself. I have ignored these requests as I can only assume that the grammar was not up to scratch so on occasion a ghost writer has done the decent thing and finished himself off.

Sir Patrick Moore: An Obituary

Sir Patrick Moore as 007

Just read the sad news that Sir Patrick Moore, the first astronomer to portray James Bond has sadly died at the age of 89

Moore was borne in England on the 4th March 1923 under the star sign of Sagittarius. He regarded this as poppycock and maintained to his dying days that he was in fact born under a cherry tree.

After joining the RAF in the Second World War he developed a strong interest in spy-glasses and spies.

After the end of the war he put both these interests together and auditioned for the role of James Bond after Sean Connery started pantomime at the Brixton academy. Moore’s first film as the heroic super spy was ‘Live and Let Die’

While the film received critical and commercial success Moore was dissatisfied in the part. He went into some kind of depression and started doing his homework from Mrs Shufflebottom’s maths class way back in April 1937. It was this that gave him inspiration to look at the moon through his telescope.

In particular he became an expert in the far side of the moon and worked together with Pink Floyd on one of their albums.

This gave him inspiration to write a screenplay to the next James Bond film entitled Moonraker. Moore was in his element again and loved every moment of the shooting. Moore changed his name to Roger after this and then changed it back again to Patrick.

Among his acquaintances were Yuri Gagarin; the first man in space, Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player on the moon and finally Orville Wright the first man to have his flies undone for more then twenty yards. All of these men Moore had personally kicked in the testicles after lulling them into a false sense of security by giving them some of his mother’s treacle pudding.

A great man, astronomer and actor. He shall be greatly missed.

Nostradamus

Couldn't predict how shit his predictions
were going to be.

Was listening to the wireless whilst motoring down to Chepstow yesterday afternoon when this chappie came on talking about that 15th Century fortune teller called Nostradamus.

Apparently Nostradamus was able to foretell future events concerning individuals, nations, various armies, improvements in latrine technology, the fates of several nasty dictators and all that sort of thing.

The guest speaker was talking about his book that had just been and updated.

That in itself was enough to throw the whole caboodle out the blasted window in my books! I mean why did the book have to be updated if it was a book about predictions? That on it’s own is enough to show that the first book was wrong in the first place.

The whole thing is a complete shower! Full of codswallop about things that are supposed to happen but never will. I don't trust it one bit!

And another thing, if this Nostradamus book was supposed to be so accurate then how come it hasn't been able to predict just how shit it is? Answer me that why don't you!!!

9/11 Conspiracy Theory

This is the real reason why the Twin Towers Fell:

Two Godzilla shaped Conspiracy Theorists thought their

Conspiracy was better than the bla bla bla....

Got this air-tight, tip-top conspiracy theory as to what actually happen on 9/11 in those dreadful events in New York, Washington D.C. and a field in Pennsylvania back in 2001.

It's a very controversial theory but the evidence backs up everything I say so prepare yourself.

Some codger called Bin Laden, who was in possession of large amounts of anger management issues, told a few of his cohorts to fly aeroplanes into the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

The cohorts promptly jumped on a few aeroplanes, wrestled control of the things from the pilots and then flew them into the Twin Towers, the Hexagon and a field in Pennsylvania.

Tony Scott: An Obituary

Thinking of the Kids

Just heard about the death of film director Tony Scott who has died this week.

Scott was a director of action films that left the viewer with no necessity to use their brain. In fact the less brain you used the more chance you would stand of being able to make it to the end. In this sense his work mirrored his life as he clearly wasn't thinking when he left his two young sons completely fatherless.

Pussy Riot

Riotous Assembly

Just heard about the Russian Musical Ensemble called 'Pussy Riot' What in the name of Jove's Jockstrap is going on there then? 

These young ladies performed a political protest song in the middle of a church sermon. Thus upsetting the congregation and the like. Apparently they were protesting against the close links between the Russian Orthodox Church and President Vladimir Putin.

The Mona Lisa

Mystery Smile Solved

The Mona Lisa or La Giaconda as they say in Italy.

Painted by Leonardo Da Vinci a long time ago this painting has come to encapsulate not only an era when women were supposed to hold mystery to men but it also encapsulates the mystery of the painter himself. An enigma of a man who made very good seafood vol-au-vonts (apparently)

Anyway, her smile has beheld mankind ever since its first display. The slightness of its inflexion, the curve of its lip, the colour of its skin. The message she was trying to convey, was it one of sadness, loss, grief or some or all of these. 

Or was she just a tease? Trying to tempt Leonardo away from his work with the promise of her heavenly body for him to take hold of and thrill her for eternity.

F##KS NEWS...

Liberal Thinking

Just watched an American Telly Channel programme called Fucks News. 

Who do these bounders think they are? One inferred nothing but bias, ignorance, stupidity, lopsided stories, skewed interpretations of events and numerous fools talking about themselves.

I'm sorry but if these people are trying to be worse than me then they've got another thing coming! I'm not standing for it! My narrow minded opinions are worse than anybody elses on the entire planet! 

If they think they can be worse than me then bring them here! I'll give em short shrift don cha know!

I can't stand anybody and I don't care who knows! In fact I wouldn't want anybody to vote for me in an election. Can't stand the thought of being liked!

Next thing you know the Grande Levee come up to you asking for your autograph on toilet paper. I tell em to stick it up their arses!!

Rebekah Brooks Not in Back Door Sex Scandal

Walks Up Hills Only

Just writing to give my support to Rebekah Brooks, disgraced former editor of The Sun and currently awaiting trial for attempting to pervert the course of justice in England.

There are many rumours about this attractive woman one of which concerns the perverse activity of bum sex. 

I mean it just can't be true that this English rose spends her free time taking it in the back door! She is far too innocent looking for her to be a turf-hurdler.

This woman was one of the watchers who kept her eye on those in power all these years so One can't begin to believe she into Penalty Shoot-outs.

Piers mOrgan is a Wanker?

Not a Total Arse

Just writing to give moral support to Piers Morgan. It matters not one not that his monstrous betrayal of the British army in Iraq exacerbated the already tense situation there.

Nor that his complete lack of popularity in England forced him to scurry away to the United States of America.

No sir by Jimeny it does not. Despite being labelled many defamatory names I like him and I don’t think he is a tosser at all. No this is a good man.

Neither is he a wanker nor an arse-wipe. He has done so much to help the needy, just look as Susan Boyle.

Rupert Murdoch Hates the English

Look at the horns on his head!!

Right then! So Murdoch hates the English! He doesn't give a shit about us!

Sounds to me like the baby has thrown the dummy out of the pram. 

The man says he can make more money in the United States with his Fucks News Corporation.

OK.. goodbye then.

In the meantime he can take his blasted money, stick it up his arse, then some more up his son's arse, then up his wife's arse and then up Rebekah Brookes' arse, then I'd like to see them all give a shit after that!!!

Natural Disaster

Dreadful Heat

It's sweltering here! Can hardly keep my G&T cold long enough to drink the blasted thing.  Have to keep throwing it down my throat ASAP.

Of coursre very hot prolonged summers have resulted in 100's dying through high temperatures and thirst last year in Southern France and it looks as though this will be repeated this year too!

So here is what must be done to avoid a repetition of last year. 

• Equip lorries to carry tons of water to strategic locations.

• Set up a network of hose-pipes that thread their way between all the choice grape vines.
•  
• Reintroduce slavery so each grape-vine can be shaded from the extreme temperatures of the midday sun otherwise even more vines will die.

• Divert water from small towns and cities into choice wine producing regions.

If it wasn't for that fascio-trotskyite bureaucratic regime in the EU all this would have been dealt with last year!

Rupert Murdoch in Sordid Sex Shame Shenanigans Scandal

That Woman Murdoch Has Frequent Sex With

One of my sources has just told me that Rupert Murdoch is secretly having sex on a regular basis with a woman in his private apartment.

The woman is said to be young enough to be his grand daughter. It's a disgrace!!!

One of Murdoch’s earlier wives has refused to comment on the matter saying that after their marriage was over it really was none of her business whom Rupert chose to have sexual intercourse with.