What To Do If Your Plane is Hijacked?

Stewardess

Hijackings! Yes Hijackings, they seem to be everywhere these days and you never know when you may find yourself caught in one as you are on your way to your winter retreat or a ski resort.

By their very nature they tend to be tricky situations and at first glance may seem hopeless. However, I've come up with this marvellous four-step programme in order to deal with such a predicament and thus minimise the effect it could have on your winter break.


Right so imagine that you are reclining in your first class seat reading the newspaper and some loon starts causing trouble. What to do? 


STEP 1 RECONNAISSANCE 

Well the first thing is to put on your Boer War Sun Helmet as worn by the 2nd Dragoons (Royal Scots Greys). This will make it look as though you have dealt with this sort of thing before and therefore put you at a psychological advantage. The mere sight of the Sun Helmet can be enough to make many a man pull himself together and return to their seat. However, if the chappie is still causing problems then you need to take action. 

In this case stand up, put your newspaper down walk up to the man and establish if he is indeed hijacking the plane or is simply in need of the lavatory. Careful here though, being a plane means that many on board will not have very good English so it is important to speak to them in foreign. I recommend using this phrase; 

"Essere Vous detournementing esta flugzeug?" This is foreign for "Are you hijacking this aeroplane?" If the answer is "No" then tell the chappie to pull himself together and sort himself out. If however he is indeed hijacking the plane then you need to move on to the next step.


STEP 2 ACTION

This part involves establishing why the man is hijacking your flight. If it is for money then this is easily dealt with by writing him out a cheque for the amount asked. Then when the plane lands you quickly rush to your bank and cancel the cheque before his has a chance to cash it. I just wish I could see their faces when it is refused and they are arrested by a policeman. 

However, if the chappie is hijacking your flight because he wants to crash it into something, killing himself and lots of other people then this is a little more tricky. This sort of attitude is indicative of an employee or supporter of the European Union. These people are of the view that if they themselves are going to go down then they are more than prepared to take everybody else with them. 

Nevertheless I have taken this in to account and there should be no problem. Simply stand to attention and firmly tell the man to stop shilly-shallying around, wasting everybody's time, to stop being a complete sha'ar (Shower) and that if they persist you will have no option other that to escort them to 'Economy Class' where they will have to conduct their affairs there. As an employee of the European Union the mere thought of not remaining in the luxuriant decadence of 'first class' at the expense of tax-payers will be enough to put the fear of Beelzebub in to em don't cha know so watch how fast they will return to their seat. 

This has happened to me on two occasions previously and my strategy proved very successful. However, the possibility remains that the chappie may not be employed by the European Union and you may have no option other than to move onto 'Step 3'


STEP 3 ENFORCEMENT

Running Through

If it gets to this stage then by now the mere insubordination of the chappie would be enough to put the metaphorical old cold steel up one! I don't know about you but I can't tolerate insubordination. However, if channelled correctly the ire the insubordination evokes will work to your advantage.

First thing to do here is to 'About Turn' and walk back to your seat, calmly pick up your 1908 Pattern Cavalry Sword, the finest cavalry sword ever made in my opinion and walk out of 'First Class,' being careful to close the dividing curtains behind you, in to 'Business Class' where your cavalry horse will be awaiting patiently for just such an emergency.

Calmly mount the horse, being careful not to hit your bonce on the low ceiling that all modern aeroplanes have, get into position; 1908 Pattern Sword pointing forward at half reach, dig your heels in and go hell for leather at the troublemaker. With the curtains closed he won't see you coming and by the time you burst through them the chappie simply won't have time to react, run him through with the 1908 Pattern and he should fall to the floor pretty damn quick. 


STEP 4 DEBRIEFING

The final phase here is to dismount your steed, head to your seat, usher over the stewardess, order a gin and tonic and congratulate yourself on bringing a quick finish to what could have been a long protracted and ignominious scene.