Ladies: How to Tell if Your Man Truly Loves You.

Gasometer and George

Right then, ladies. How can you tell if your man is truly in love with you? This is an age-old question, one that has been mystifying women since the time of Adam. Indeed it has been mystifying menfolk too but only since the day they marry. 


Well ladies fret no more as today is your lucky day. I Ware-Armitage, have come up with a tip-top sure-fire test that any woman can do to find out if their man is truly in love with them. It doesn't even cost a lot of money and you can use ordinary household items to do it. It's fool proof and all women will be able to relax in the knowledge that your man is truly in love with you. So here goes, 

You will need the following:

1) A handkerchief 
2) A kilo of Brussel Sprouts
3) A plate of Curried Eggs
4) A tin of Baked Beans


Method:
1) Steam the Brussel Sprouts for ten minutes. Steaming them is important here as boiling them reduces the potency of necessary agents for this test. 

2) Whilst they are steaming add the Baked Beans and Curried Eggs to a saucepan and heat for five minutes then add the steamed Brussel Sprouts, mixing well.

3) Scoff the lot taking care not to chew it properly. Once eaten, immediately head to your dinner-date at the poshest restaurant you can find, the busier the restaurant the better.

4) Once at the restaurant of choice adopt a normal mode so as not to arouse suspicion that you are just about to test your man. Sit and wait patiently until you feel an intense pressure forming somewhere inside your lower bowels. What's important here is that you do not take steps to relieve the pressure but to hold it for as long as possible. Eventually you will get to the stage where you feel you simply can not hold that pressure any longer. This is when you make an excuse to stand up, for example say something like 'Excuse me Lord Kimble, I just need to powder my nose.' 

Love is in the Air

Now this is when you spring in to action! As you are saying this, discretely take out your handkerchief and drop it on the floor. It is imperative here to pick up the handkerchief yourself! Under no circumstances must you allow anyone else to pick it up for you. If you do then the entire test could be null and void! Complete failure!

5) As the handkerchief lands on the floor say very loudly, 'Oh my handkerchief has fallen on the floor, I'll just bend over to pick it up.' Once said bend over to pick up said handkerchief and upon reaching the 90 degree angle pivoted at the waist, force out the pressure within your lower bowel as hard and as fast as you can possibly imagine. No compromising here, a real right royal thruster right from deep inside the stomach downwards resulting in an evacuation so cacophonous causing the windows to rattle.

6) This is when you have to hold your nerve. There are two ways your man will react. If he says very loudly 'Sorry ladies and gentlemen it appears MY lunch has double-backed on me, or words to the effect of 'I've just farted,' then you know he is deeply in love with you and you can proceed to a church forthwith. 

If however, he reacts to your wind-outage by saying very loudly 'Sorry ladies and gentlemen it appears my dinner date's lunch has double-backed on her, or words to the effect 'She's just farted' then you know he is a charlatan and a bounder and probably just wants a quick one and you can proceed to leave the restaurant there and then.

And there you have it! As far as I'm concerned this test is an absolute winner, I recommended it to that Amal Alamuddin to try on an actor called George Clooney at Claridges Restaurant in London. From surviving witness accounts the release was akin to a gasometer exploding resulting in all the windows being blown out, but ole George took the responsibility for her, what a guy!

Incidentally, when I say 'Brussel Sprouts' I am of course referring to the vegetables growing in a person's back garden. Not to the vegetables growing in the European Union. (Easy mistake to make)

Why women haven't discovered this test beforehand is beyond me. I do wish people would ask me about these things.