Sunday, 5 April 2015

How to Defend Yourself Against a Street Urchin

Martial Arts
Right so I was minding my own business walking along the high street the other day when I was apprehended by a man asking for directions to the nearest McDonalds public toilet facility that these days has a restaurant selling hot food attached to them. 

It was very clear to me, right from the moment he approached me that he was going to try to take my wallet away from me and thus my fiver named Colin, serial number KJ89 479000. How did I know this? Well the first clue was that he had a hood over his head thus concealing his face. Why would anybody want to conceal their face unless they were trying to avoid recognition or were demented. 

Secondly, his trousers were fastened at his knees thus exposing far too much of his underpants, clearly and ex-convict as they are not permitted to use belts whilst incarcerated in case they use them to string themselves up. Thirdly, his right hand was behind his back which suggested that he had something to conceal, most probably a weapon of some lethality such as a copy of The Times Educational Suppliment. 

Anyway, the point is is that I feared he was about to remove my wallet from my personage and I don't know about you but I'm not prepared to tolerate that sort of thing and so decided that I needed to do something to fend orff this man. At my disposal were a number of training programmes that I have taken the trouble of learning over the years in preparation of this sort of thing. The three most pertinent for this particular situation were;-

A) Barjitsu. Sometimes called Bartitsu, this is the self-defence technique developed by E. W. Barton-Wright for the 19th Century Victorian gentleman combining oriental defence techniques and an umrella. It provides instant results with minimal effort. The disadvantage here is that I was wearing my hat and there was a strong chance that it would have fallen orff in to a puddle, what with the twisting and turning needed to disarm him.

B) Pugilism, commonly known as boxing, this would give him a bloody nose and make him run away but not before the danger of his blood splatting on my jacket as I planted my clenched fist into his face. Not very nice and something that if possible I would prefer to avoid.

Now both these techniques provide immediate success but there is very little room for learning on the part of the assailant. What I really wanted to do was not only disarm him but also give him an incentive to stop his life of crime and put his talents towards something more constructive. You see many people in his situation actually are just crying out for help so I turned to my third option;-

C) My very own defence technique, devised by my good self, using all the facilities at hand on any occasion that a person may find themselves in. Not only that but it uses minimal effort and no actual physical contact yet leaves an indelible mark on the psyche of the assailant forcing them to re-evaluate their lives. I call it Sir Percy Ware-Armitage's Martial Arse. That's right Martial Arse! Not to be confused with martial arts, but Martial Arse.

Martial Arse
Well I started to direct him to the nearest McDonalds toilet with accompanying restaurant facility and just as I'd anticipated he brought his concealed hand from behind his back. As I suspected it had a weapon in it; a copy of the Socialist Worker, very dangerous! Quick as a flash I jumped three steps back, whipped open my belt with the inbuilt emergency release button, designed especially for such occasions thus releasing both my trousers and underwear from their normal daytime shackles, about-turned,  whipped em both down and then bent over exposing my quite magnificent arse to the attacker. 

The chappie was taken completely by surprise fled! Ran away, buggered off like the coward that he was! Faster than a speeding bullet I had the underwear and trousers back up and belted without anybody in the street noticing. And this is the skill here with Martial Arse, to include only those that you wish to fend off. You see once the arse has been exposed it can cause severe collateral damage to those in the vicinity and we don't want any of that. In the hands of a novice it's possible to decimate and entire shopping mall of people so years of practice is needed.

Anyway, enough of that, job done, I thus continued on my journey without any further ado and made my way to the nearest bar for a light refreshment and use of their toilet as I'd ran out of paper again. Marvellous.

UPDATE: It has since transpired that two days later the chappie in question was recovered from a nearby lake as he was obviously unable to cope with my fightback. I can only say that if you can't stand the heat then you need to get out of the kitchen, very sad.