Sunday, 26 April 2015

UK Political Leaders: What you really need to know.

Thrust, Sound, Mass, Volume Odour, Directional Ability and Storage
Right then! There is a general election coming here in what remains of the United Kingdom and naturally people have been approaching me in the street and asking me for my slant on the National party leaders.

Personally I don't care too much for politicos and politics but I think it is worth tuning in at the time of an election just to see what the policies of these people actually is so I know who to complain to at the first sign of an EU inspired fascio-stalinist putsch to take over the world.

Right so between now and Election day I'm going to be giving the low down on ALL the political leaders of the United Kingdom one by one. That's right all of em and I'll be addressing the matters that really count and their policies warts and all! No punches here I can tell you! So let's have shufti at each one of them. First up Cammers!

Yes Cammers, incumbent Prime Minister and one with the most to lose. Policies emphasis private industry, money, cash and standing up on your own two feet or doing everyone a favour and finishing yourself orff.

Social policies are in favour of keeping the NHS or face loosing every election for the next two billion years. Not in favour of more house building else see the price of their property portfolios drop through the floor.

Anyway this is all very well but really quite beside the point. And that point is much more critical to the future of this great country. And that is what is he like in the broken wind department? Well fortunately word has it that he can blow out a fair bit and quite a loud volume too. I mean can you imagine sitting opposite someone like Putin at the negotiating table and not being able to blow out a rasping great thunderer as a response to one of Putins radioactive farts? Good God man Putin wouldn't take you in the least bit seriously if you were unable to thrust one out!

Putin doesn't respect any kind of wishy washy, flippy flappy arty farty farts I can tell you. He needs to be stood up to! So with sound and thrust Cammers comes out quite well. However, on odour he is found seriously lacking! He just releases a sort of rosie odour and Putin won't take that well at all especially with his nuclear fall-out farts! What a shame.

Finally, volume of released gas as in metres cubed, not volume as in sound. Due to Cammers' early days at the Bullingdon Club he learned how to store at least 6 litres cubed for an entire week before letting it all out in a Saturday evening foray at Bullingdon events. While this isnt' actually all that much compared to Putin who can dispose of at least a cubed metre in one go, it is nevertheless much more than most world leaders second only to Angela Merkel. Marvellous woman don cha know.

All in all Cammers comes out OK in the fart department or should I say Defartment. Good sound and thrust but lacks somewhat in odour and mass. Not bad at all.