Sunday, 29 March 2015

April Showers Back Up Plan

Baked Beans
Right then, it's that time of year again, April! Yes April that time of year here in Great Britain where one minute it's sunny and the next minute it is throwing it down with rain, hail, snow sometimes and wind.

This happens every year and it is not the best time to make arrangements for things outside such as a gala function, a regatta, cricket match or some kind of social function in a country pub car park, if you know what I mean. Whatever you arrange there will be a 50 percent chance that it will rain and you will have to cancel or postpone your arrangement. 

So imagine you have arranged a day out but you find yourself having to cancel at the last moment, what do you do? Well I've devised a tip-top emergency plan to keep yourself entertained in just such an instance. You will need the following:-


1) Brussel sprouts

2) Curried eggs

3) Chicken vindaloo

4) A tin of baked beans

5) A shopping mall escalator

This is what you do, cook the brussel sprouts, best if you under-cook them as this will result in them retaining more of the necessary oxidants that will be released once in the stomach. Now then, the curried eggs, these can be heated up or eaten raw, it is not very important so do what makes you happiest. Now then, the chicken vindaloo and the baked beans are best served hot so stick em in the microwave for a few minutes.

Once all the food has been prepared it needs to be consumed. Now you can consume all this food yourself or feed it to a small child. I personally use a small child as I can stand back and watch the entertainment from afar. Nowadays I use my dastardly son Cuthbert who is now in his 40s. He doesn't really understand the social faux pas associated with this so your conscience will be clearer.


Gas
Once consumed then take your fed child to a shopping mall escalator. Stand your child very close to the first step of the escalator and await the arrival of a person or persons wanting to use said escalator. The longer you can pre-empt their arrival the better. Get your child to stand on the escalator at least six steps ahead of your targets. As your child is about half way up get them to release as much broken wind as they possibly can. Silence is of necessity here to elicit maximum horror. As the gas cloud is released from their anuses (or is that ani?) you will find that the victims six steps behind will not only drift slowly into the toxic cloud but will also be unable to escape it. I mean they can't go back and going forwards will bring them deeper into the toxic fumes. 

Make sure you bring a camera to capture the moment when the victims take their first inhalation of gases. It's an absolute blast I tell you! Hilarious. If you can get a few more shots of them trying to hold their breath to avoid inhaling any more you will be able to entertain your friends in the evening even more. Also because they are so ill prepared for this they usually have to take in another breath and that one makes for great photography I tell you. Hilarious.

I can do this sort of thing all day don cha know! Sometimes I even do it when it isn't raining as it's better than socialising with certain kinds of people at gala functions.