Sunday, 2 August 2015

Mission to Pluto: A Layman's Guide

Bolsheviks
Right then A few weeks ago those incredibly clever boffins at NASA; The National Arbeiten and Space Administration saw the culmination of a ten year mission to the planet Pluto to seek out new life and new civilisations

Apparently, it's not a planet any more because The IAU; International Astronomical Union (obviously a left wing body) decided to change Pluto's status from a planet to a dwarf planet. Well what does that mean? I'll tell you what it means, it means that Bolsheviks can do anything they bloody well want and get away with it! It's a disgrace!

So with the exception of seeking out new life and new civilisations and boldly going where no split infinitive has gone before what was this all about? Many have claimed that the whole thing at nearly a Billion dollars was a complete waste of money that could just as easily have been spent on weapons. That is another issue though. Well the whole thing is a little bizarre to the average lay person so I will attempt to sum up the entire venture through analogy.

Planet Blotto
First of all you will need something to represent planet Earth. That is easy as I can do that job. Then you will need something to represent the New Horizons probe, this is the name of the actual probe that NASDA sent to the planet Bluto in the first place. For this you will need something that can follow instructions very well without question. I recommend my butler, Bell (Rupert).

Once you've sorted that lot out you will need something to represent the planet Blutto. It has to be something interesting but also very cold to mimic its not only it's freezing temperatures but also that of space the final frontier. So for example an ice-cube would be acceptable one supposes but nevertheless it is heading in the right direction so how about adding it to a large gin tonic with ice and lemon. Excellent.

Then you will need something to represent the blurring effect of Earth's atmosphere on an optical telescope. Off the top of my head I'd suggest a bottle of vodka and some orange juice.

Finally, you will need something to represent the solar system. Now because the solar system is very big I recommend using somewhere with a lot of space in it. So how about a very long pub before opening time.

OK so what you do is place the gin and tonic with ice and lemon, remember this represents the planet Blotto, at one end of the aforementioned pub. Then make you way to the other end of said pub. Right so far so good, now you need to mimic the effects of Earth's atmosphere upon your vision so down the bottle of Vodka with the orange and wait for about an hour.


New Civilisations

Once you've come out of your coma, try locating the planet Blotto. What will the results be? I'll tell you what the results will be everything will be blurred and out of focus. Of course you will want to see if the gin and tonic is still there but it will be impossible to determine this through the thick fog of your vodka induced haze. So what do you do? That's right you call Bell the Butler over and you send him to see if it is still where you left it. He then goes to check on it's status and he shouts at the top of his voice in his native dialect something like "Oi fatso! Yorf uckin' drinks tilear!"

Of course that isn't enough is it! How do you know the bleeder hasn't drank the blasted thing for himself? You don't so you get him to bring it back, this represents the photographs and telemetry of the planet Blotto and also NASDAP's marvellous feat of engineering the New Horizons probe. Once Bell the Butler brings it back you naturally consume all the telemetry and data all in one go and feel very chuffed with yourself. Marvellous.