Moustache Breakdown: Ryan Pike

Superstructure

Moustaches, yes that's moustaches! Once the purview of the masses in the Western world it signified the end of childhood for a young man and the start of a career as canon fodder for the Great Imperial British military.

I tell you now that of all the myriad examples of Great British military incompetence and catastrophe at the very least all the men went down with a decent moustache across their face. No namby-pamby wishy-washy crippity-crappy clean shaven nonsense here I can tell you. No Sir by Jimeny No! 

But while those days are gone the basic principles of a decent moustache remain with us and that is something to be proud of. Organisations such as The Handlebar Club and The Moustache Mafia espouse the virtues and practicalities of a good solid moustache placed firmly right in the centre of one's face. 

Nuclear Holocaust

Recently, The Devon and Cornwall Beard and Moustache Championships were held in err.. well Devon or Cornwall. I don't know I'm not a bleeding Geographer for God's sake. Nevertheless in the Moustache category the chap who came second was Captain Ryan Pike. I think the thing was rigged myself especially as I had put a 50 pence on him coming first. Nevertheless, I think it is worthwhile him give a full moustache breakdown here so the kids can see, learn and inwardly digest.

Overall Pike has decided upon a utilitarian design rather than something aimed at display. There are a few hints here at ostentation but even these have yielded to function. This is particularly true for twiddle factor.

Pike has gone for a mild twiddle factor here with a slight splay of the moustache tips. This slight splay of the ends assists when travelling at speed by creating a helpful vortex either side of the super structure. The same vortex effect is created in birds as they hunt. The more pointy the tips the less drag there is to affect speed and the faster Pike can go in his motor car. These days of course people don't need this feature as we can shoot our prey but as stated earlier form takes precedence over utility in modern moustachistic display and competition.

The slight splay also serves to attract the female of the species. Their own twiddle skills are inferior to those of the male as they don't get the opportunity to practice. The splay here nullifies the effect of imprecise female twiddling, something that would be almost impossible on a needle-tip moustache. The downside to this is that wider forms, as opposed to the needle tip, mean there is poor wifi reception. Ordinarily this is not a problem but on those odd occasions wifi is just simply good to have for example in case a person finds themselves lost in the desert and their GPS isn't working very well. Or perhaps an urgent email from Auntie Beryl has arrived. The possibilities are endless.

Pike's moustache also pays very good heed to it's background. He hasn't gone all Bavarian on this one. Going Bavarian is all very well in Bavaria with beer froth accumulation a crucial factor but not here. Froth accumulation necessitates volume, lots of it, hence the sometimes nebulous quantities of growth and minimal deforestation in your average Barvarian fellow. Furthermore, it doubles as winter insulation which is needed in the dry cold Bavarian winters. Here in Blighty however winters, while cold are also wet and volume in growth means the adorner has to either wear something over their moustache or accept that their head will be weighed down with water condensation. Neither situation is very nice and it is why going Bavarian is for Bavarians.

Helpful Vortexes

In juxtaposition Pike has kept his moustache under control and has resisted any temptation for ostentation. Notice also the pipe. This is often overlooked by moustachiers in favour of a cigarette. This is the most heinous of errors. A pipe keeps the tobacco smoke at bay whilst a cigarette means there is no fire control. The smoke slowly rises and drifts into the moustache slowly staining it. While this is acceptable to a younger moustachier, with a coloured moustache an older moustachier will have grey. I don't know about you but grey with tobacco stains looks ghastly at best! The moustachier becomes subject to ridicule for his bad facekeeping, leading to dishevelment, dishevelment leads to disrepair, disrepair leads to slovenliness, slovenliness leads to depression and we all know what that leads to don't we. Yes that's right, global nuclear holocaust and we don't want that sort of thing.

What Pike's pipe is doing is nestling securely between mouth and moustache. The moustachioed upward curve just as the lip ends means the pipe gently glides in to his gob without unwanted entanglement leaving him free to have a civilised conversation with for example his Auntie Beryl, Arthur Trubshaw, Dame Helen Mirren or a whole host of other celebrities queuing up to get tips on things such as general car maintenance, how to get red wine stains out of a car park and what have you.

Overall a rather earthy bouquet with a lightness towards the ends. Plenty of body with just a slight hint of latent violence. I recommend this as a summer accompaniment to a fresh salad or gazpacho before having someone shot for treason. Marvellous.