Sunday, 23 August 2015

What to do if a Celebrity Walks in to Your Pub?

Not Mrs Cumberbatch's Husband
Last week I was boozing it up at Madame Pompidu's was having a pimms at my local pub. I'd had no choice really as I had popped in to the place to use the toilet but some arse was already in it so I had to pretend that I was there for a drink. Anyway, there was I looking quite resplendent at the bar when all of a sudden a celebrity walking in! I will refrain from divulging the name of this particular celebrity out of respect for the privacy of his wife, Mrs Cumberbatch.

Anyway, this sort of thing happens on occasion and has the potential to ruin a perfectly lovely day if not dealt with quickly. Mercifully, I had come prepared and the day was saved. So I will now detail the proper proceedure for such occurrences for the benefit of my followers so you too do not have to endure the indignity and humiliation of having to get bored senseless by such characters walking in to your boozer pub.

Pig Sty
Before, starting it is worth pointing out how to identify celebrities. I mean there are so many of the swines around these days that it is just not simply possible to be 100% sure. One tell tale give away is to observe their reaction to salt or sugar. If you happen to see someone whom you suspect of being a celebrity, approaching your pub, restaurant or bistro then quickly lob the nearest salt or sugar pot in their general direction. If your suspect looks at you and shouts something in their dialect along the lines of 'Oi you fahckin wankah woss your game!? I'm gunna fahckin do you when I get in there!" then you have nothing to worry about. However, if the suspect immediately rushes to the broken pot and starts trying to inhale the salt/sugar through their nostrils then you have a celebrity on your hands and you must take immediate action.

So your celebrity enters the pub. What's the first thing to do? That's right, backs to the wall! This may not actually be necessary but I have found that due to the vast amounts of cocaine they have on their breakfast cereal in the mornings, celebrities are confused individuals. For this reason many of them are unable to discern the difference between your common or garden pub and a farmyard pig sty. Standing against a wall nullifies their more carnal thought processes as they are in a position of trying to comprehend why you are not on all fours in front of them with either your skirt up or your trousers down.

Workington Special
Now in some situations there may well not be any place against the wall to stand as the pub is full. This can be a bit tricky and fighting with a human obstacle for that last place is very uncivilised. However, if you have your pistol at hand you can conveniently remove an obstacle quite efficiently. I use the Luger bla bla bla as it just looks very nice in the hand, a bit like ten pound notes. However, on this particular occasion the thing was empty as some local business had been attended to earlier that morning so there was no ammunition left, very sad. Nevertheless, I had brought along my camouflage paint and I quickly adorned my face with an appropriate camouflage pattern to merge with my surroundings Yes that's right I painted myself yellow so as to mimic a banana. Why did I do this? Well for the more intelligent of you I dare say you have worked this one out already, yes that's right I was standing in the vicinity of a slot machine and three bananas were on display. I thought I was a perfect match but that bleeder somehow knew I was there! Personally I reckon one of the other pub-goers had grassed me up to Mrs Comberbitch's husband and he came straight at me.

Once this happened I knew I had to act fast and so immediately put on my gas mask. To the casual observer this may seem a trifle extreme but I assure you that it is very good housekeeping. You see celebrities aren't like normal people. They regard society's conventions and norms as things for... well... for other people. On it's own this is not a problem yet your celebrity is compelled to display their wanton disregard for society akin to a peacock displaying its feathers. However, they are in the strange position of not knowing how to display this disregard and so have to improvise as best they can.

Oscar Ceremony
So what do they do? That's right, they break wind. And I'm not talking mild releases here, no sir! I'm talking real window breaking broken wind. Have you ever wondered why the Oscar ceremony is held in such large venues? Well that's the reason. I know everybody looks tarted up etc but you should be there after twenty minutes with that lot stinking the place out! It's a disgrace! What's worse is that they actually prime themselves up before going out. That's why so many of em are on the Atkins diet don cha know! It's not about losing weight at all it's about wind! Anyway armed with these facts I donned my gas mask and watched Mrs Comboverbitch's husband's face drop. In one swoop I had completely emasculated him!

The thing to do then is to break your own wind. As much as you possibly can. Get yourself primed before you go out. I use Brian Long's Thundergust Brussel Sprout Specials, grown in his very own allotment. My valet, Courtney (God rest his soul) was known for his 'Workington Special' in which he could clear out an entire pub in one go but he had stomach ulcers.  Nevertheless Brian Long is on facebook don cha know so contact him there. You'll only need one before going out and that will give you enough thrust to last six hours. Marvellous. 

Brian Long
It's also important here to know that celebrities are well versed in breaking their wind so it is vital not to underestimate them. You must be prepared to out-break their own wind at all costs. These people really know what they're doing. They haven't yet got wind of Brian Long's Thundergust specials and he vets all his customers to ensure celebrities don't get their hands on em. You may also have to sign an end-user agreement so you can't resell them. 

After what was a titanic battle of wind between myself and Mrs Comboverpatch's husband I could see he was starting to wear down. This was when he threw his last roll of the dice at me. Yes that's right he tried to hypnotise me! Oh yes by Jimeny he did! Celebrities often do this as a last resort. Not because then know how to hypnotise people but more like they think they know how to hypnotise people. Regrettably sometimes it works and I've seen many good man fall to his knees because of a celebrity hypnotist. Very sad. 

Nevertheless I avoided eye-contact and despite him trying to stare at me I was too fast for him. You must then go on the attack. I find the best thing to do here is to start talking about canal boating holidays or cheeses from the Cotswolds. You celebrity simply can not handle the fact that you could possibly be talking about something other than them in their own presence. It is the ultimate humiliation for them and before you know it they will have about turned and stormed out of you pub. This will be accompanied by some shouting and swearing along the lines of 'this is the most boring pub I have been in anywhere in the whole wide world etc' but this is them being unable to handle the rejection. Ultimately, this is just bravado and typical of the sort of hissy-fits that these people are capable of. 

In conclusion then, always carry your gas-mask and camouflage paint. Never look em in the eye and always eat your greens. Take these precautions before going out to your favourite pub boozer and you will have years of celebrity-free socialising. Marvellous.