Monday, 21 September 2015

Ware-Armitage -v- The Borough of Slough

Traffic Warden
Slough, yes Slough this town has had it in for me for years don cha know! It all started 21st October 1975 when I parked my car for a few minutes to get myself a potato masher from the local Do-It-Yourself hardware shop on Dingwall Street. 

When I came out, with a rather dubious potato masher I hasten to add, a sodding Yellow Crested Parking Eagle had issued me with a parking ticket on behalf of the local borough council! I wasn't going to have that!! So I ran up to this animal and explained to it that the parking was an emergency and the potato masher was for Timmy, a small child who was confined to living in an isolation bubble, had not had a hug in three years and his previous potato masher had died after it had escaped into the polluted atmosphere of the Slough environs. That one nearly always wins but the bleedin Traffic Warden accused me of lying! Moir!? A liar!? Bloody disgrace! Well, admittedly it was a lie but that's not the point is it?! She said I was a liar!

After nearly two hours of feeding this traffic warden more lies to get it to rescind the ticket I realised that I was wasting my time so I cleared orff and borrowed the money from the then wife to pay it. But that wasn't the point. I'd been accused of lying! 

Well I wasn't going to take this one lying down. No Sir! I wasn't going to let them get away with this by Jimeny I was not! Things like this demand justice I tell you! You can't go round willy-nilly calling people liars!

So since this ghastly accusation in 1975 I have taken it upon myself to seek revenge jUsticeThat's right revenge JUstice for the violation of my personage by this truly horrific borough council that has no doubt blighted the lives of not just myself but quite possibly billions of other people all around the world with their blatant disregard for human life, dignity and my money. This is exactly how Fascist Spain started out don cha know! Nothing but a bunch of layabouts with nothing better to do than to go around and cause trouble. Well I'd had enough!

So at least once a week for the last forty years I have taken it upon myself to administer a slow but crippling pain jUstice  upon that town in order to get my bloody money back seek recompense not just for myself but for the world at large. 

So this is what I do, every Monday evening I consume either a massive egg curry or a huge meal consisting of Mr Brian Long's Thundergust Brussel Sprout specials. Then I go to bed. The following morning I then eat an equally enormous breakfast consisting of more Thundergust Brussel Sprout specials with lots of baked beans or the egg curry that had not been eaten the evening before. I then go and sit on the divan in the living room allowing everything to digest.

Then in the afternoon I get on board the London express train at Reading railway station. Note of warning here, it has to be the express train as speed is vital in order to obtain maximum dispersal upon reaching Slough. A stopping train is simply pointless. Once on board I find the nearest available lavatory, take down my trousers sit on its toilet and start hyperventilating. Another note of caution here, it is imperative to also remove ones underpants here otherwise the entire project will fail. 

On average the express train takes ten minutes to travel from Reading to Slough and it is important to wait until nine minutes and fifteen seconds before acting. When that time comes along stop hyperventilating, take as deep a breath as you can manage and then evacuate your bowels as hard as you possibly can into the toilet receptacle.

Still holding your breath open the window, if it is one of those windows that is permanently locked then simply smash the thing and stick your head out whilst keeping one hand on the toilet flushing handle. The time between flushing the toilet and your evacuate being discarded onto the track is four seconds so do not flush until you are about three seconds from the end of the platform. At full speed this can be difficult to judge but after three months of doing this I got the timing perfectly right.

Once within range, flush the toilet, facilitating all your solid waste matter evacuate to be plastered all along the entire length of the platform track. At full speed you can coat at least two thirds the length of the platform depending on how much you have evacuated in to the receptacle. Slower speeds are obviously less but you do get a denser, more concentrated impact upon the travelling passengers and staff at Slough station waiting patiently for the next train but it is their fault for that traffic warden calling me a liar. 

As I said earlier I have been doing this at least once a week at Slough train station for the last forty years. To date they still haven't attempted to compensate me for that hideous slander upon my personage but I sense they are starting to crack under the pressure. Any day now!