NHS Winter Meltdown

Freezing Cold Journos (Please don't laugh aloud)

NHS (National Health Service) waiting times have shot up during the winter period here in the UK as a direct consequence of financial cuts. "We're just completely unable to cope "said one nurse at an unnamed Accident and Emergency unit in Stafford, "it's fucking shit," she added. Regrettably this just seems to be the tip of the iceberg. 

At the Bristol Royal Infimary, that wished to remain anonymous, they were experiencing the same thing. "This is bollocks!" said a doctor on the A&E (accident and emergency )unit, "we have been inundated this winter and due to cuts in the budget we're completely unable to cope with the amount of journalists waiting for a story about cuts in hospitals making them unable to cope. It's a disgrace!

Meanwhile, Addenbrookes hospital in Cambridge had severe delays with journalists queuing up at the entrance to accident and emergency waiting for a quick, easy, no effort story of disaster.

"Some of them were writhing around in agony." Said one nurse, "but we were completely unable to help as we were treating patients. I've never seen it this bad before, not since the midwife strike" 

Winter always sees a rise in stories about trouble in NHS hospitals as journalists are hardly bothered to get out of bed in the dark mornings. An NHS story is easy pickings for them and there's always the hospital canteen to get a quick cuppa whilst awaiting an inevitable story outside in the cold.  

However this year has been particularly bad  because there is a general election and any really easy story about some old duffer snuffing it in a hospital broom cupboard gives journos the idea that they will bag a Pulitzer if they can bring down the government.

Consequently hospitals across the country are facing delays of hours trying to dispense A&E stories. "It's a disgrace!" said one journalist. I've been lying next to this hospital bed in this corridor for hours and not one patient has filled it. I'm suffering here and nobody has the time to help me.

The father of another journalist who had tried to ram an ambulance off the road to get a story about failing response times was appalled. "I'm appalled!" He said, "my son was trying to cook up a half decent story about ambulance delays but lost control of his white van and crashed into a dogging car park. An ambulance crew were there in minutes and he completely lost his entire left wing story. These people are animals!

When confronted with these terrible figures  of journalists having to wait for hours for a story a government spokesman stated that he didn't have the faintest idea what I was talking about and that if I really wanted to see him angry he would send some people round first thing in the morning to take me to a nearby field where they would show me what it would be like.