How to Disarm a Suicide Bomber?

Off you go to the Police Station

This is an easy one. Simply approach the guilty bleeder suspect and politely ask the chappie what's going on? 

That always trips em up because your average suicide bomber would never expect such a polite enquiry as they are usually charged up ready to detonate and an enquiry of this gracious magnitude will completely overwhelm the swine.

Once he confesses simply ask the johnny to take the bomb off and pop down to the nearest police station to apologise and then turn himself in.

There's no point getting angry with the chap, he can't help it if he's been indoctrinated with some notion of suicidal glory. Rubbish!

Of course if the man fails to respond to the above then do what we did to the fuzzi-wuzzies in Aden; give em a poke with the old cold steel! That'll sort him out.

That lot don't like it up em ya know!

J.F.K. Conspiracy Theory

Out of His Head

One has devised a water-tight tip-top theory regarding the Kennedy Assassination. It's very controversial but the evidence backs up everything I say so prepare yourself!

J.F.K. was assassinated by a chap called 'Lee Harvey Oswald.!! The man was hid in a book suppository waited for J.F.K. to scoot past in his motor, fired off a few rounds and then 'bob's your uncle' out blew J.F.K's brains and the man's clogs were popped.

Is Madonna Bored?

Nothing to do all day.

Just heard about a singer called Madonna who has recently released yet another long play record.

As far as I recall she has been doing this sort of thing for the last thirty bleeding years.

Apart from that and prancing around stages all day she doesn't seem capable of doing anything else? What a loser!

I mean she doesn't even have a vineyard.

This woman needs to get a life!!!

Apple iOS 5.1 Update Review

Recently got the latest Apple iOS update.

This was good news as the drinks cabinet has been running a trifle low on the old Bombay Sapphire fire-water if you know what I mean. Anyway, One was very excited to finally get the update.

Seeing as it is supposed to be the best one so far One immediately set about trying to download a Gin & Tonic from the Claridges web site.

Anna Nicole: What is True Love?

Married for Money!!!! Not me!

One has just been accused of marrying my current wife for her money! Poppycock! What a terrible accusation to make. This is an outrage! How dare these people impugn my standing in polite circles.

I think people who marry their spouses for money should be ashamed of themselves! Where is the dignity in that?

No Sir by Jimeny! I married my wife for her father's money. He's an absolute bounder!! Doesn't deserve a fraction of it and the blighter doesn't know what to do with it either. Spends it on bottles of Domaine de la Romanée-Conti Montrachet 1986 of all things!

To this end one is currently helping him to spend it having organised a trip to the Alton Towers Rollercoaster rides for this 92 year-old bleeder gentleman followed by a parachute jump, if you know what I mean....

Center for Bio-Ethical Reform's Anti-abortionist Methods!

Greg Cunningham
'Look at Me Everybody!'

Just heard this Yankee Chappie, Greg Cunningham, who's coming to the UK to Protest about Abortion!.

Well if that is what the man wants to do then let him. But One doesn't like his methods!

He sticks large graphic pictures of the unborn all over the place in public areas. Doesn't he realise that some people have just eaten breakfast, fast food or a Kebab?!!!

One doesn't want this in One's face willy nilly in public!  Who does this bleeder think he is? People like him should be ashamed of themselves putting material of that sort up in public areas. It's the tactics of desperation!! It's a disgrace!

There's only one thing to do with his sort, take them to a shopping centre or train station and then string them up, draw and quarter them! That's the only sort of language they understand!

Capitalist Woman!

One can scarcely contain one's anger for much longer! Modern society has completely objectified women to an extent never before seen in the history of mankind. Just look at this photograph.

By forcing women to be thin Captialism has subjugated them to a second class existence no different to what it was 100 years ago. 

The President of the United States

Talking Baraks or pure Mitt?

Just writing about the Presidential Candidates in the United States of America for the 2012 Election; Barak Obama and Mitt Romney.

What the blazes were their parents thinking when they named these people. And just who in God's name was Newt?

What happened to good ole fashioned names that have been the mainstay of modern Western Culture. Names like, well Percy for starters, short for Percival and named after Persius of Greek Mythology.

Then there are other great names; Farquhar, was one of my favourites. Then there is my blasted son Cuthbert. Also Quentin, Crispin, Barrington, Tarquin and Tarkwell and don't forget my first ex-wife Blitherington Farquhar-Farquharson.

Beware of false iGods

Apparently the second coming started a few years ago! He is here!

One can't actually believe it but apparently from everything I have seen and read the Messiah was here and was in tip top form with hundreds of thousands of worshipers from all over the world. But before you know it he was gone again!!!

Born in the 1950s he went on to enlighten millions of us with his iconic symbol of divine inspiration. Yes it was called the Ipad.

Personally, one thinks it's all a load of tosh. People like that posing as Gods should be nailed to posts! Then have their bodies thrown into unmarked caves around Easter time when loads of us are on holiday.

End of the World?!

Worse Things Have Happened

Apparently the world is going to end this year. Well let me tell you something it’s definitely not going to end this year.

How do I know? Because it ended in 1979 when the last bottle of Domaine Armand Rousseau Pere et Fils Chambertin 1936 was polished off by some ghastly bankers too stupid to know the difference between it and a wretched Claude Dugat Griottes-Chambertin 1879.

Once I'd heard that that last bottle had been drunk I was forced to instantaneously assult all the staff in order to forget!

And since that time I've never been near a blasted bank either. Animals!!

Moral Fabric? Moral Filth More Like!!

Pure Filth! Now that was a racey flick

I'm just writing to complain about the lack of moral fibre in today's youth. It's a disgrace! Why just the other day I heard two of em having sexual intercourse in their hotel room and they weren't even married. Not even to each other! What the hell is the matter with these people No moral compass and all that sort of thing!?

No sir! This sort of thing has got to stop! All my life I've been guided by strong moral principles. Yes Sir! That's me.

American Firepower

Can't shoot straight

Just been reading about some American soldier chappie who killed sixteen unarmed civilians in Afghanistan! Even then most of them were asleep in bed!!

Sixteen civilians shot dead by a professional soldier! It's a absolutely ghastly! Only sixteen!

One clearly recalls Blacksburg Virginia in 2007 a student with a gun killed thirty-three people whilst they were awake. And they were running around all over the place. How is that for marksmanship? And he wasn't even a soldier.

It just goes to show how important good training is these days. Regrettably, this seems to be lacking in the modern US military.