The Peasants are Revolting!

Communal Latrines Reduce Water Bills

Had the water bill through from the munitions factory two weeks ago. Couldn’t believe it! It was through the roof.

Although production of weapons has increased over the last year or two, what with conflagrations in Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, not forgetting ever increasing demand from those drug barons in Mexico, the overall effect would not justify the increased water bill.

So what has been going on? Well after installing CCTV cameras all over the place it turns out that it is the fault of those wretched little workers.

It transpires that the bleeders have been using the toilets in the factory instead of their own ones at home to save money! What a ghastly shower of individuals.

Never to be out smarted by ’Le Grande Levee’ I had all the toilets torn out and replaced with communal dry latrines. This serves two purposes: the first is to cut down on the water bill and the second is to keep those blasted workers in their seats.

You see those dry latrines are an absolute abomination, they stink the place out within seconds and secondly you can't sit on em because they are a bit like a cat litter tray.

It’s so humiliating having to use those things that only the really desperate use them. Everybody else waits until they get back home before using the toilet.

Since being installed the water bill has gone down and production has gone up. Bonus

So Sweet.... and Sour

Well strike me down with Jove’s jockstrap! You’ll never guess what I saw today?

Was walking along the high street in Norbiton when I saw the strangest thing. It was an oriental person walking a dog!

Just goes to show how the world is changing don cha know. In the olden days You’d never see an oriental person walking a dog no Sir by Jimeny you would not!

You’d see em eating the damn things! You’d never see them walking Fido or Spot in the street unless they had just kidnapped them and were on their way to get their throats slit that is.

I remember the joke that whenever an Oriental restaurant opened up nearby there would be a spate of local people's pets going missing. Well this is just no true! The pets never went missing! No Sir! They would end up in the char su-pow, that’s not missing.

But I will tell you what is missing right now and that is a large Gin and Tonic.

Family Planning Web Sites

By George there are some peculiar webular sites on the internet don cha know!

Recently one has noticed a proliferation of webular sites regarding family planning. For example, one of the ones I visited last night showed footage of a couple trying to start a family. Indeed many of these family planning webular sites show couples and even sometimes entire groups of couples trying to start families.

Courtney: An Obituary

Rest In Peace Courtney Loyal Servant

One is sad to announce that my butler, valet, personal assistant and chauffeur Courtney passed away recently.

One is saddened beyond description as the stinker owed me seven guineas from the gee-gees. That horse was a dead-cert even though it was 200/1. It's just that the other horses fell ill, one couldn't get out of the starting gate two of the others threw their riders leaving only my horse and 'Arse-biscuit' to finish the race.

It wasn't his job to evaluate whether the horse would win or not. All he had to do was to do as he was bloody well told. I didn't pay him to think!  Instead he put the money on that blasted nag 'Twenty Hotels' on 10/2. It was the bloody favourite wasn't it! naturally I'd fixed it so the blasted animal would fall at the first fence.

Lost that lolly because of him and he always refused to pay it back! What a ghastly little man he was. But you just can't get the staff any more these days and now I have to foot the bill for his funeral too!

Justin Beleiber, Believer, Beiber Bieber Whateber!

Silly Little Boy

What in God’s name is a Belieber? It sounds like someone who doesn't drink enough alcohol! Maybe that's an imbiber?

We'll anyway it is supposed to be something to do with a dreadful little child called Justin Beiber or is that Beleeiber, Biebier, belieber... whateiber. This little blighter is only about eight years old yet lots of adults like him, sounds like pedophile fodder if you ask me.