Youth of Today!

Male? Female? Get them to vomit!

Egads Man! One was out last night in the centre of the little town of Charlton Heston whereupon I came across some young people socialising in the street.
   

One noticed that half the young chaps had their trousers so low as to make their underpants visible to the world at large! It’s a disgrace!

The ladies were a different kettle of fish! They actually concealed their underwear beneath their pantaloons. One seems to recall that it used to be almost the other way around! Ridiculous!

Sir Patrick Moore: An Obituary

Sir Patrick Moore as 007

Just read the sad news that Sir Patrick Moore, the first astronomer to portray James Bond has sadly died at the age of 89

Moore was borne in England on the 4th March 1923 under the star sign of Sagittarius. He regarded this as poppycock and maintained to his dying days that he was in fact born under a cherry tree.

After joining the RAF in the Second World War he developed a strong interest in spy-glasses and spies.

After the end of the war he put both these interests together and auditioned for the role of James Bond after Sean Connery started pantomime at the Brixton academy. Moore’s first film as the heroic super spy was ‘Live and Let Die’

While the film received critical and commercial success Moore was dissatisfied in the part. He went into some kind of depression and started doing his homework from Mrs Shufflebottom’s maths class way back in April 1937. It was this that gave him inspiration to look at the moon through his telescope.

In particular he became an expert in the far side of the moon and worked together with Pink Floyd on one of their albums.

This gave him inspiration to write a screenplay to the next James Bond film entitled Moonraker. Moore was in his element again and loved every moment of the shooting. Moore changed his name to Roger after this and then changed it back again to Patrick.

Among his acquaintances were Yuri Gagarin; the first man in space, Neil Armstrong, the first trumpet player on the moon and finally Orville Wright the first man to have his flies undone for more then twenty yards. All of these men Moore had personally kicked in the testicles after lulling them into a false sense of security by giving them some of his mother’s treacle pudding.

A great man, astronomer and actor. He shall be greatly missed.

Nostradamus

Couldn't predict how shit his predictions
were going to be.

Was listening to the wireless whilst motoring down to Chepstow yesterday afternoon when this chappie came on talking about that 15th Century fortune teller called Nostradamus.

Apparently Nostradamus was able to foretell future events concerning individuals, nations, various armies, improvements in latrine technology, the fates of several nasty dictators and all that sort of thing.

The guest speaker was talking about his book that had just been and updated.

That in itself was enough to throw the whole caboodle out the blasted window in my books! I mean why did the book have to be updated if it was a book about predictions? That on it’s own is enough to show that the first book was wrong in the first place.

The whole thing is a complete shower! Full of codswallop about things that are supposed to happen but never will. I don't trust it one bit!

And another thing, if this Nostradamus book was supposed to be so accurate then how come it hasn't been able to predict just how shit it is? Answer me that why don't you!!!

Men & Women: The Difference

Men and Women: The Difference

Been around for years and finally FINALLY, I've just been able to work out the difference between men and women. It's so bally-well obvious that it was right infront of me all this time and one was not able to see it! Unbelievable!

So what is the difference? Of course when one writes that one isn't referring to people's wedding tackle and other such obvious accoutriments. No one is referring to a more fundamental difference that lies deep within ourselves that overides the bedroom equipment department.

So what is it? Well it's obvious when one puts one's mind to it

Cricket & the Maasai Mara

Post-Testicle Thwacking

Just been reading about a project by the World Cricket Federation that has introduced the game of cricket to the Masai Mara, a tribe of people in Africa

The idea is to use the sport to help address pertinent issues to the local tribespeople that affect their daily lives. In their case it’s things like A.I.D.S. drought, H.I.V. genital mutilation, gender issues wine tasting and all that sort of hullababoo.

One is in favour of all this sort of thing as they these people make the most atrocious wine.

So how will the organisers do it using the sport of cricket. One couldn't honestly fathom it especially in terms of stuffl like genital mutilation and the A.I.D.S. epidemic. After long considered thought one has come up with how they will do it.

It's simple, for example in reference to drought you simply tell them all that if they don’t conserve water then they get the cricket bat wrapped around their head. In terms of genital mutilation you just tell em that the next person that gets their genitals mutilated gets a thwack in the testicles with the same cricket bat.