Ray Harryhausen: An Obituary

Found Up Arse

Just been reading about Ray Harryhausen the legendary visual effects animator who sadly died earlier this week of constipation.

During his long life Harryhausen pioneered research into medication for constipation in the film industry. This was known colloquialy as Stop Motion Visuals although why anyone would want to visualise this sort of thing is completely beyond me. Additionally Stop Motion also gave him a chance to make forays into colonic irrigation, appendicitus, dysentry, gihardia, incontinence and blowing off.

Horse Manure!

Can't Give a Shit

Just how is it possible to get horse manure wrong?!! I mean just what the blazes is going on in this country?

With the summer here one needs to move tons of manure onto the garden for good produce come harvest time. I find this back-breaking work for servants to do but I soldier on.

However, because of the wretched servants strike about to enter it's eighteenth month one has had to go to outsiders for one's manure.

So I went to the Gypsies next door and asked them to come round and leave as much of their shit as possible next to the kitchen garden. And this they did without let or hindrance, I paid them by the ton. All very nice, how could that possibly go wrong?

Well later that afternoon some fool from the local borough council visited and insisted on taking a sample of the manure just for examination he said. Poppycock, this clown was out to cause trouble.

Within a day half the blasted council were round my estate accompanied but the Old Bill! They placed me under arrest and before I knew it I was in a cell at the police station! The indignity of it all!! 

And it was all the fault of those pagan swine Gypsies. I gave them specific instruction NOT to use the manure from my racehorse stables and instead steal it from another farm. This was because all my manure contains traces of performance enhancing drugs, painkillers, Banned muscle toners, andrenaline activators and all that sort of thing etc.

Well that's the last time I use those damn Gypsies! You just can't trust anybody these days! Even the bloody horse manure is shit these days!

Aung San Suu Kyi: An Obituary

She Was A Girl From Burma-ingham

Just been reading about Aung San Suu Kyi.

She was the world famous and respected politician who campaigned against the military dictatorship in her home of Burmingham, a large industrialised urban conurbation, situated in the West Midlands/Alabama.

Suu Kyi was born at a very young age and was immediately named after her mother's side salad as she was born in a Nepalese restaurant.
She stood for election in 1990 against the military government of Burmingham Alabama/West Midlands and beat them into second place. The bounders then invalidated the election simply because they couldn't pronounce her name.

Suu Kyi was very upset by this and went home for the next 21 years to sulk and also to refuse to come out and say hello, even to the milkman. As part of this sulking, Aung San Suulk Kyi recieved a large international following with dozens of countries giving her totally meaningless accolades and awards. For Example, she received the Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought in 1990. Well that's hardly a big deal is it. Even a trifle can think now can't it!

Then in 1991 Ang San Sulk Kyi received the Nobel Peace Prize. Again, sitting at home watching the blasted telly and blowing off all day is hardly going to start a World War now is it? Even I could get a peace prize for that.

Also, in 2007, the Government of Canada made Angst San Sulk Kyi an honorary citizen of that country. See what I mean? What's the point of making someone a citizen of a country when they won't even leave their own house prefering to blow off and watch the blasted telly all day?

Then in 1979 the Sex Pistols wrote a song about her in which they said:

Lydon Sings to Aung

She was a girl from Burma-ingham

She's just had an abortion

She was case of Insanity

Her name was Sulky 

and she lived in a tree

Or something like that. But anyway, she was a great politician who fortunately liked staying at home. I just wish more of that lot would follow her example.


 

Hans Lipschis: Arrest

Hans full of Shitz

Just been reading about some jonny called Hans Lipschis. 


This fellow was one of those tricky-dicky National Socialist jonnies who didn't have anything better to do with their time than to go around causing trouble on mainland Europe during the 1940s.

A Hand Up!

Welcome to England

Recently not been feeling tickety-boo so one went to the Docs for a check up and all that sort of thing. 

Anyway, the fellow appeared to have a speech impediment and when I pointed this out to him he told me that he was foreign! That's what you get with today's Nation Health Service don cha know. 

This jonny foreigner listened to the old ticker and that was fine, blood pressure was a little on the high side but nothing too much to worry about so one was pleased as punch with all that. The foreign Doctor then said he wanted to get an indication of me prostrate. One thought this was a little odd as what difference would it be to give me a check up if I was lying on the floor?

Nevertheless one got on the floor face down and waited. There was complete silence from the foreign Doctor. I asked the fellow what he was waiting for to which he replied 'You will need to take your clothes off Mr Ware-Armirage. 

'Sir Percy Ware-Armitage' not 'Mister,'  This fellow was starting to annoy me. What does he think I am some kind of prole? This was all very peculiar. One couldn't actually see why this foreign Doctor wanted me on the floor prostrate with my clothes off. But one is a tolerant sort of fellow so I undressed and got back on the floor face down. 

The Doc then asked my why I was on the floor. I mean the man is a complete fool you can't prostrate yourself anywhere else. The definition is 'To lie on the floor' I told the bleeder this and he got all funny with me. He then ordered me to get on the bed face down. By this time he was really beginning get my gander up! So one got up off the blasted floor, stark naked and got on the examination bed! 

And then you will never guess what this pervert did? He started to shove his hand up my arse! Of all the indignity! It's a disgrace! I knew there was something wrong with the blighter as soon as I saw him. Who the hell do these people think they are? I mean it's not as though he was my old geography teacher back in Eaton! Naturally I was out of that place like a shot and I won't be going back there again.

The whole episode is a disgrace! One reported it to the police and they just laughed at me! The shame! Terrible. The humiliation of it all. Well I am never going to let this happen again no Sir by Jimeny I will not! I can tell you now that if anyone is going to try to stick a hand up my arse then it is going to belong to an Englishman.