Broken Wind

Just writing to give some advice to all the youngsters out there revolving around the topic of breaking wind.

Broken wind is not in itself a problem it is merely a normal bodily function when one has consumed solid material containing amounts of hydrocarbons. This is then released through the digestive process. Beans are usually good for this sort if thing but also my valet, Courtney, swore by brussel sprouts especially for his room-clearing ’workington special’ bless him.

Anyway when entertaining a lady it is most important not to guff just as one is about to sit down. This is a particularly vulnerable stage to be in, with a lady, because as the emission of methane is released from one’s backside the cloud has a propensity to hover in the vicinity of one’s arse.

Not Pregnant with Brother, Just Obese

Life is a funny old thing don cha know! Occasionally The Lord sends one a challenge that requires intellect, astuteness and a shear expanse of mental capacity to get oneself out of a sticky situation.

Unfortunately for one, one has none of these traits so one usually has to rely on the reserves of wit, bolshiness and lying to get out of one's sticky situations. And this was what happened the other day whilst walking in a public park. One doesn't normally walk in public parks but one needed to reaffirm just how rich one was by comparing its size to the vast acorage of one's own estates dotted around the place.

Anyway, one's mood was of a hearty disposition, one even got a passer-by to donate some money to a beggar. One saw a young couple, obviously intoxicated by love and the excitement of the impending birth of their baby, strolling towards my good self. I thought I would share my heartiness and pay them both my compliments.

SPWA:         Congratulations!
Female Prole: What do you mean?
SPWA:         Your child?
Male Prole:   What are you talking about?
SPWA:        (pointing to stomach) That. When is it due?
Female Prole: When is what due?
SPWA:         This thing, you two have obviously been at it.

This was when one realised that the female prole was not in fact expecting offspring at all. This was where one's wit took charge to try to lighten the tense situation.

SPWA:        Oh I see you are obese!
Male Prole:  What?!
SPWA:        One thought this chappie here had got you pregnant
Male Prole:  This is my sister.
SPWA:        I always say 'never judge a person by their obesity  Male Prole:  You got a problem mate? 
SPWA:        Underneath all that blubber there is a human being.
Male Prole:  I don't like you mate!

One then proceeded to walk away sharpish before the two proles became violent.

The Philadelphia Experiment: Conspiracy Theory

Proof: Real Photo of Invisible Destroyer

Just been reading about something called ’The Philadelphia Experiment' Sometimes known as [Project Rainbow' this is a conspiracy theory that simply can not go away.

Apparently, at the time of the end of the Second World War some American jonnies invented a story based around an actual Navy destroyer called the USS Eldridge.

Hitchcock: Film Review

Hitchcock Plays Hopkins Perfectly

Just Seen an advanced screening of the film ’Hitchcock’ in which Alfred Hitchcock portrays the famous actor Anthony Hopkins.

The film focuses on Hopkins’ role he played, so superbly, as Hannibal Lector in the film ’The Psycho of the Lambs’

Hitchcock plays Anthony Hopkins almost perfectly and there were times when I was convinced that I was actually looking at Anthony Hopkins doing a ridiculous impersonation of Alfred Hitchcock but no!

Anthony Perkins portrays Helen Mirren perfectly in the supporting role of Anthony Hopkins’ wife, Trixabel.

Transvestite's Tights

Urinals

What in Bonaparte’s balls is mankind coming to? Was in a trendy left wing bar last night in a popular part of The Metropol with nephew ’Fruity’ Ware-Armitage. He was showing off his bit of leggy totty called Trixi.

Anyway one had a call from nature, so one trotted off to the little boys room to do some quantitative easing.

Whilst sitting on the kharzi one could hear people chatting on the other side of the door. However, all one could discern were the voices of women? What were women doing in the little boys room one wondered?

After exiting (and one doesn’t mean finished shitting one means leaving the cubicle in which the latrine was housed) one was shocked to see three women standing around gossiping right by the hand basins.

One politely explained that they were in the wrong place to which the big bosomed one said ’i don’t think so big boy.’ I pointing to the urinals and said ’you are hardly likely to need one of those my dear.’ The three women then walked, simultaneously over to the urinals a got their wedding tackle out! They weren't women at all they were chaps! Worse than that one had actually fancied the big bosomed one! Thought I was going to vomit!

It’s a disgrace! What the hell is the matter with people? You can't have ladies walking around with wedding tackle hanging about all willy-nilly all over the place! I don’t want those people passing water where I pass mine and I certainly don’t want to shit where they've shat!

One supposes that the ladies won't want that sort in their latrines either. So where can these people deposit their waste matter? Well one suggests some kind of lavatorial deliniation! New signs will be needed in addition to; ’LADIES’ and ’GENTS,’ something like ’UNDECIDED.’

I say these people should have had their own latrines in which they could have shat their shit into.