How to Help A Man in Quicksand.

Speaks English

Quicksand! Yes quicksand its everywhere and you never know when you may find yourself caught in it or indeed stumble across a fellow up to his waist in it and unable to get out without assistance.

So I've come up with this marvellous strategy to follow in order to deal with a chap, any chap, who finds themselves sinking and needs help.

So imagine you turn a corner off your local high street and right before you is a man quickly sinking in quicksand and is calling for help. Let's imagine he has a name, err... off the top of my head let's call him Piers mOrgan. What's the first thing to do?


Well the first thing is to stay calm and not make a fool of yourself by pretending you haven't dealt with this sort of situation before. That will only inspire a lack of confidence in the man and may cause him to start blubbing. I don't know about you but I hate people who blub and the last thing you need to do is get to close to such a person in case they dribble upon your jacket.


After you've composed yourself and assuming your man still has his head above the sand then it is important to establish whether or not the person works for the European Union. One doesn't have any particular gripe with the European Union it is just that if they do work for this organisation then in all likelihood, if your rescue plan goes arse-over-tit, the mentality of the man will be to take you with him to an early grave and we don't want that.

So, as you are trying to establish who he works for it is also important to hide the fact that you speak English so I recommend speaking to him in foreign. Try the following, "Travaillez-vous pour l'Union européenne?"

Once you've established for whom he works then you can move to the next part of your rescue plan which is to establish how good he is at speaking English. One finds the best way to do this is to ask a trick question, one that has a strong cultural significance yet goes far back in history but also one that nobody outside of England will be able to relate to in any way shape or form. I use this question, 

"So we're going to win the Football World Cup this time then." 

If the man responds with something along the lines of "Yeah right on! we're gon-na win the cup!" then you know he is completely delusional if he believes this to be true and thus is an English national and then you can move to the next phase of your rescue plan.

Assuming your man is still alive at this juncture then you must act immediately and without haste! So the best thing here is to quickly look around you to see if there is anybody who can assist the poor devil. Now, in a town centre that is probably a dead cert so you shouldn't have any problems. Simply approach the nearest one and cajole them into helping the man. However, at night or in the countryside the situation may be very different and there will be nobody else to help. If that is the case and your man is still breathing then it is of utmost importance to act with alacrity. 

First thing to do here is to look the man straight in the eyes and reassure him that your are going to resolve this matter at all costs. With the man completely reassured, quickly turn your back to him and remove your firearm from it's holster. I use a toggle-locked recoil-operated semi-automatic variety of the type designed and patented by Georg Luger in 1898 and produced by Deutsche Waffen und Munitionsfabriken (DWM)

Then quickly turn to face him and empty the cartridge as fast as possible. Being a semi-automatic this should take no more than a few seconds and you will find that your man will stop blubbing immediately. Then the final phase is to head to a very good bar, order a gin and tonic and congratulate yourself on bringing a quick finish to what could have been a long protracted and ignominious scene.