How to deal with Religious People (who have a gun at your head)

Heaven or Piers mOrgan?

Right then, there appears to be an awful lot of hoo-haa going on these days with religious matters and what have you.

One doesn't really partake in this sort of thing as, like art, there are no right or wrong answers, just those with guns and those without!



Generally the ones without guns are usually very pleasant and frequently donate to my registered charity so this post is really about the ones WITH guns. Anyway, after a little thinking on the matter I popped off to the nearest trouble-spot for a shufti to see for myself what was going on by meeting some religious people (with guns) to work out how to deal with them using a little Ware-Armitage reasoning. Righto, so I was walking along when five of these religious people (with guns) suddenly sprang in to action and surrounded me.  After five minutes I'd sorted em out. 

So then, here is what I did so take notes and if ever you find yourself in a similar situation you will know what to do.

Step One: I asked them if they'd seen the world cup football.
This was of very little practical value other than to buy time for myself and it also lulled them into a false sense of security.

Step Two: I then asked them if they loved their God
This was actually the first part of a series of trick questions designed to confuse them and put doubt into their minds. Clearly they answered 'Yes.'

Step Three: I asked them if they were prepared to commit acts of murder.
This was the second part of the trick questions and further lulled them into a false sense of security by making them feel very powerful.

Step Four: I then asked them if they liked 'Piers mOrgan'
Clearly the answer to this question was a resounding 'No.' and had the effect of undermining their self-confidence, thus leading to doubt, then to unhappiness and then despair and depression.

Step Five: I asked them if they were looking forward to meeting their God.
This was the clincher and put me on a good footing to be able to walk away from them all within 30 seconds. Naturally they answered 'Yes' to this question. Therefore if they were itching to meet their God and were also willing to commit acts of murder whilst Piers mOrgan was simultaneously roaming the planet then, (this is where I gently guided their own weapons so that they were pointing to each of their own heads) I explained it would surely have been much more convenient if they simply finished themselves orff there and then thus getting a quick way to their God awaiting them upstairs, whilst we all had to live here in Hell with the Evil One mOrgan farting about on television. 

Admittedly, after the initial wave of err... self-dealings I had to go over it slowly with two of the more stupid ones that were still standing but on the whole the cleverer ones had worked it out for themselves and I was able to walk away without so much as having lifted a finger.