How to Obtain Clean Cutlery at a Restaurant?

Dirty Fork

Etiquette is becoming more and more important these days as more and more illegal immigrants enter the country. As this facet of modern life encroaches deeper into our daily lives standards start to slip, leading to carelessness, carelessness leads to apathy and as we all know apathy leads to global conflict. 

This is why I feel it is important to make a stance and ensure that the important things in life are maintained at all costs. Take, for instance, cutlery. Clearly, clean cutlery is essential to maintain high morale else anarchy ensues and all that sort of thing.


So if, in a restaurant, you find your fork in a state of dishevelment this is what you should do in order to obtain a clean one.

First thing is to establish if your waiter speaks English, after all would this not be the reason your fork is besoiled? What is important here is that you don't let the fellow know that you want to know if he speaks English. For example if you just ask him 'Do you speak English?' he could very easily reply thus; 'Yes' in which case you have fallen at the first fence. So I usually ask a trick question that not only reveals if he speaks English but also if he is English. So the trick question is this

"We're going to win the world up this time round?"

Superficially this seems an innocuous question but is, in fact, very subtle. If he answers something like 'Come on you Lions!!' or 'Yes we're gon-na win the cup!!" then you will know he is completely deluded as the English Association Football team barely gets past the first round these days.

If however he answers along the lines of 'Are you serious?" then it's a good chance he is from somewhere else and therefore won't understand the concept of clean cutlery and then you move to phase two.

Trixi

Phase two doesn't actually get you the clean cutlery but it is nevertheless a crucial step in that direction. This is what you do; politely invent some lie to the waiter that you need to leave but will return shortly. Now it is important here that you may be entertaining a lady or business partner and it would be rude to leave them alone. Nevertheless it is critical to the success of phase two that they remain seated as if you both leave the waiter may suspect something catastrophic will happen.

Calmly and carefully stand and make your way to the exit, taking your cape, cane and top hat with you. Cross the road being careful to avoid cars, bicycles etc and approach your Konigstiger (King Tiger) Panzerkampfwagon MK II parked opposite the restaurant. Mine was from the schwere Panzer Abteilung 503 Feldherrnhalle Corp that was disbanded in May 1945

Simply mount your King Tiger, radio Trixi in fire control, rotate the turret so it is pointing at the restaurant, check elevation and open fire. One round should do it but sometimes the shell goes right through the restaurant and out the other side without detonating! 

Phase three; simply walk to an adjacent restaurant and inform the waiter of your cutlery requirements and watch the fellow bring out the cleanest cutlery you could ever wish for. Simple really, I wish people would ask me about these things.