Wednesday, 6 May 2015

UK Party Leaders: Their Last Drink?

Member of the Electorate
Right then! So over the course of the last five weeks me and my 'squad' have endeavoured to establish just what the five UK party leaders' last drink would be if they had to face a firing squad first thing in the morning.

Now, I didn't enjoy doing this very much but I felt that there was a need to actually get right to the bottom of things about what makes em really tick. Because they are all politicos a simple direct question such as 'What makes you tick?' would be simply batted away under a load of old waffle! 

So, me and the 'squad' diligently set about kidnapping each and every one of em, putting em against a wall and going through the motions of a mock execution and recording what they all wanted to sup before a few final words and all that sort of thing. Once they'd had their drink and said all their gubbins we let em go and escorted them back to their hotels or wherever they had been without any harm coming to em at all.

Their results are quite important and I bring them to you here for you to make up your own minds before ballot day. 

Can't Hold Drink!
First up, Eddie 'The Kid' Miliband. Yes Eddie was quite easy to kidnap as the bodyguards hadn't been paid sufficiently so we whisked him orff without let or hindrance. Put against the wall and asked what his tipple was the man wanted a cup of coffee?! Coffee I ask you?! What kind of a party leader is that?! Furthermore, the fellow was so traumatised by the whole affair that he couldn't even pick up the blasted cup through shaking Rubbish! What's even worse were his last words;-
'You know I like people and people like me but we have to work together in order to bring about the workers' revolution and wrestle the ownership of the means of production away from bourgeois capitalists seeking to protect their interests from the working man using the violence inherent in the system. You know I was talking to a man last week....'
etc bla bla bla I should have had him shot there and then but you can't often get away with that sort of thing these days. Next up Nigel 'The Garage' Farage

Down the Hatch
Yes 'The Garage' was whisked away at first light but I've got to say his bodyguards put up one hell of a fight! These blokes were loyal right down to the last man! Anyway, when put against the wall and given his last request 'The Garage' went straight for that good old London classic a pint of Green King IPA. He downed the lot in one and said the following;-
'No point moping is there? Just tell me that the squad are all British' 
What a man! Next up David 'The Wicket Keeper' Cameron.

Gin Gin!
Yes 'Wicket Keeper' got his name from his days at the Bullingdon Club for having the remarkable ability to intercept any dropped drink in the vicinity. He could catch a dropped glass on it's way down to the floor from twenty feet away. Marvellous. But what would he choose to down if he was up against a wall? Well I can tell you now that he went for that old classic a large gin and tonic, with not so much tonic and only ice if there was enough room in the glass. Personally I thought this was an odd choice for a last tipple as I equate this with a hot summer's day and cucumber sandwiches. Anyway his last words were;-
'Tell my wife I love her'
I don't know about you but I think that was a bit wishy-washy and undermined the gin and tonic. Next up Natalie 'Acid Bath' Bennett.

Fuck You!
Yes 'Acid Bath' got her name from her ability to remove all trace of those who stood in her way to the top of the Green Party pile. I mean how many can you name apart from the rather lovely Caroline Lucas? None. Nevertheless we got the necessary from her after shuffling her off into a dark alley somewhere in East Grinstead. 'Acid Bath' ordered nothing more than a mug of bloody green tea! Rubbish! Total rubbish if you ask me! That's not a drink, that's bloody washing up water. Who in their right mind would place a cross on the ballot paper for this party if that was the deciding factor? Not me I can tell you. Anyway her last words were;-
'Just pull the trigger and fuck you!'
That's right 'Acid Bath' you tell em! Next up Nick 'The Leg' Clegg.

I'll have the pub
'The leg' got this name from the fact that it rhymes with 'Clegg.' Not very imaginative if you ask me but that's what happens when you're on the centre ground. 'The Leg' was bundled away and replaced with a stand in for twenty four hours as we hadn't predicted his request. When stood against a wall the man asked for 'the chance to drink an entire pub dry.' We all flipped out at this completely unexpected request which is exactly what we would expect from a party in the centre ground, marvellous! So we took 'The leg' away to the nearest pub and do you know what? He damn well drank it dry didn't he. That's the way to go! What a man! Interestingly his last words were;-
'youzz is me mate youzz is yeah? hrummp ffff iwth we'll show em!! hnnnnn.... hnnnn.... bluergggghhhhhh'
Nice one Nickers I say. 

So that's it! This blasted election is almost over for another five years bla bla bla not a single one of em made a gaff big enough to get themselves voted out of office and after all isn't that what the general election in this blasted country has become these days, the party that makes the least gaffs.

Ware-Armitage out!