Beware of false iGods

Apparently the second coming started a few years ago! He is here!

One can't actually believe it but apparently from everything I have seen and read the Messiah was here and was in tip top form with hundreds of thousands of worshipers from all over the world. But before you know it he was gone again!!!

Born in the 1950s he went on to enlighten millions of us with his iconic symbol of divine inspiration. Yes it was called the Ipad.

Personally, one thinks it's all a load of tosh. People like that posing as Gods should be nailed to posts! Then have their bodies thrown into unmarked caves around Easter time when loads of us are on holiday.

Hose-Pipe Ban in Southern England!

Whip-Crackingly Good Thrashings!

This is a disaster! One has got hose-pipes all over the place and now one is not permitted to use them!

And it's not because of the drought either! It's because of those loons at the water companies! Total incompetence.

It's all very well them banning the use of hoses but tell me this; what am I now supposed to use to thrash the living daylights out of the gardening staff? Hey? I bet then haven't got an answer for that!

With a hose, if you get the swing right it acts like a whip! And with enough practice one can master the crack of the whip to sound just as the servants shout in pain!

Aliens land in Dover

Galacto-Communist  Aliens!

What the blazes is going on!?? Just heard that Aliens have landed in Dover and that they are going to kill everyone and then destroy planet Earth!

I mean this is all very well but it is actually avoiding the main issue, which is are they Communists?! I bet they are and I bet they've been working with the EU too! This is just the sort of stunt they'd try and pull! Well it won't work!

The last thing planet Earth needs right now is to be blown to smithereens by Communists! It's not important if they are blasted cripity-crapity extra-terrestrial Communists or ones from Soviet Russia, they're all the same if you ask me; yes they simply adore spending OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY!

If you think for one second that I am prepared to stand by and be laser-beamed by a load of Galacto-Communist Aliens then by Jimeny you've got another thing coming. No Sir! If I'm going down at all it'll be by Capitalist ones, at least they'll keep all my money for themselves and not hand it out to the poor willy-nilly. 

These things are important don cha know!

End of the World?!

Worse Things Have Happened

Apparently the world is going to end this year. Well let me tell you something it’s definitely not going to end this year.

How do I know? Because it ended in 1979 when the last bottle of Domaine Armand Rousseau Pere et Fils Chambertin 1936 was polished off by some ghastly bankers too stupid to know the difference between it and a wretched Claude Dugat Griottes-Chambertin 1879.

Once I'd heard that that last bottle had been drunk I was forced to instantaneously assult all the staff in order to forget!

And since that time I've never been near a blasted bank either. Animals!!

Dying for the Weekend

Have a nice weekend

Just heard on the wireless that you are more likely to drop dead in hospital at the weekend than at any other time during the week.

Rubbish! You're more likely to die in a bomb explosion or being attacked by a rottweiler.

These statesticians obviously have far too much time on their hands to cook up half-baked statistics to make themselves look clever. I mean they have to do this to justify their own jobs. They should do what I do to justify my existence; drink champagne, that always works

These people are obviously under alot of stress. I think they need to evaluate their lives and find time for some introspection. To do this I think they should take the weekend off.