How to Cancel a Romantic Date

Stabbings

Going on a date is always very exiting, you just never know how much money will turn out to be in the other person's bank account. If you're really lucky you may actually like them too. However, occasionally it may be necessary to cancel the date at the last minute and that is never a good thing leading to resentment, bitterness, reprisals, vendettas and all too frequently, stabbings. 

UK Party Leaders: Their Last Drink?

Member of the Electorate

Right then! So over the course of the last five weeks me and my 'squad' have endeavoured to establish just what the five UK party leaders' last drink would be if they had to face a firing squad first thing in the morning.

Now, I didn't enjoy doing this very much but I felt that there was a need to actually get right to the bottom of things about what makes em really tick. Because they are all politicos a simple direct question such as 'What makes you tick?' would be simply batted away under a load of old waffle! 

So, me and the 'squad' diligently set about kidnapping each and every one of em, putting em against a wall and going through the motions of a mock execution and recording what they all wanted to sup before a few final words and all that sort of thing. Once they'd had their drink and said all their gubbins we let em go and escorted them back to their hotels or wherever they had been without any harm coming to em at all.

Which UK Political Leader is the Best in a Punch Up?

Cleggers

Right then, as part of my UK political leaders portfolio I have cut right through the waffle and have sought to come up with the questions that really matter. Between now and election day I'm going to address the important issues that really matter. You may remember that a few days ago I studied Cammers' wind breakage abilities. Today's question is 

Which Political leader would you want on your side in a punch up? 

First up Cleggers, yes Cleggers! Cleggers is in the centre ground so has an unfortunate propensity to understand other people's feelings and emotions. Well that's hardly going to be any good in a pub brawl now is it? Speaking five languages holds an excellent advantage over adversaries in a Euro-brawl as he will be able to tune in to their communications and pre-empt any out-flanking moves shouted across a pub or bar. Ultimately his use would be good as intelligence gathering but in a straight jab to the face his value is pretty low. I'd give him 5 out of 10 on the Prescott scale.

UK Political Leaders: What you really need to know.

Thrust, Sound, Mass, Volume Odour, Directional Ability and Storage

Right then! There is a general election coming here in what remains of the United Kingdom and naturally people have been approaching me in the street and asking me for my slant on the National party leaders.

How to Derail an Armed E.U. Power Grab in Your Local Community Library

Ferrero Rocher

Right so the European Union loves taking control of things. They just can't help themselves don cha know!

Typically, they like taking control of things that don't belong to them, especially successful things. The more successful the thing is the more they love taking control of it. Now that's all very well and good but what gets me is that once they've taken control of the successful thing they immediately cock the thing up and give it away to people. They are obviously completely loopy!