Trenton Oldfield: Cart him off!

Tubular Balls

Just heard on the wireless about Trenton Oldfield, The activist who produced a terrible album, called 'Tubular Balls' in the early 1970's in protest at government cuts and Prime Minister Edward Heath's stupid laugh.

The man swam out into the middle of the river Thames and started playing some Tubular Bells during the Oxford and Cambrige boat race.

And that was it! For this act of protest he has been ordered to leave the country. It's a disgrace!! I mean people like Abu Hamza are responsible for planning horrible deaths in this country and they gets to stay. Not to mention Simon Cowell and Les Dennis! At least Piers Morgan left on his own accord.

I had twenty guineas on Cambridge to win that race and I came away with nothing! Didn't even get my original stake back as the wretched bookies told me that it was all null and void. 

This is all because of Trenton Oldfield! People like him make me want to vomit! Well I think we should throw the book at this sort of individual and punished him properly. I mean really make him regret it, send him somewhere where he won't see his friends nor family for years

That's right put him on a boat and cart him off to Australia. That's the only sort of language his type understand.

Silvio Berlusconi:

Berlusconi

Just been reading about Silvio Berlusconi, the former Prime Minister of Italy.

This time round he failed to make it as Prime Minister, thus making himself vulnerable to arrest and imprisonment, despite being convicted of numerous crimes.

At present he has twenty pending cases against him all of which carry custodial sentances. 

To date, this is what some of the  things this fellow has been up to;

Chris Hadfield: Porno Star?

Moustache

Odds Bodkins it's that crashing bore of an Astronaut again. I've dealt with this person in a previous post.

It isn't enough that he has to hover around in space all day making videos of himself singing songs and posing in front of space ships oh no sir!

No just orbiting the world isn't enough for this man no sir by Jimeny it is not! The fellow now feels as if he has to announce his retirement to the world as well. Next thing you know he'll be making videos of himself passing water or blowing off for the world to see. Thinks he's the bees knees just because he has been to the stars!

Well if you ask me the only stars this man is good for are porno stars! I mean just look at him! That moustache serves only one purpose, it's a porno moustache! Can't use it for anything else! This whole Astronaut jiggery-pokery was a front so Hadfield could get a shoe horn in to the pornography industry. It's a disgrace!

I mean in space a proper astronaut would have a handle-bar moustache for something to hold on to! You can’t float around up their without handles!

Porno

It's all down to pornography and not just for Hadfield! All the other Silly Billys floating around up there with nothing to do except gawp out of the windows and sing silly songs are in to it as well don cha know! Well why don't they just get on with it and get their clothes off and get it all over with instead of fart-arsing about pretending to want to be astronauts. Blasted layabouts or should that be floatabouts?

S.P.W.A. and the Work/Life Balance

One understands the importance of an all round Work/Life balance and that is why one has been a strong advocate of all this sort of thing all ones life.

For one, a work life imbalance proves very difficult to sustain on a long term basis. I mean one has just to look at ones family life and the stress it can play with the wife and even the girlfriends too if you let it get out of control. Also the imbalance lead to many problems with ones own ghastly children and relatives in general.

And because of this work started to become affected too. In general one feels that a Work/Life imbalance is important for all and sundry.

So the first thing one did was to reduce ones hours per week from as much as 60 down to 30 hours per week down the pub. Also one decided to reduce the amount of Gala Luncheons one attended from five per month down to two per week. One was also able to make other improvements; to spend more time at the family villa in Tuscany while the family stayed in Chalfont-St-Peter. More time with the children was also facilitated and one was able to hire another nanny for them to play with. 

Of course some sacrifices were needed in order for a complete balance and to help pay the extra nanny one sacked  few dozen staff and managers at Ware-Armitage Motors and The Ware-Armitage Munitions factory whilst instructing the others to work more hours for less money and all that sort of thing.

Anyway, since instigating a better Work/Life balance one has felt much more at peace and is able to sleep much better, appreciate life more and at the same time have a little extra cash due to the sackings. Ones mind is at peace.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield: Commander?

Man in Command

Just seen a video of Commander Chris Hadfield singing David Bowie’s number one hit song entitled ‘Space Oddity’ on the International Space Station.

In it we see numerous shots of planet earth in all it’s resplendent glory, the moon, the International Space Station, from both inside and out, while Hadfield sings his merry ditty. On one occasion the man even seems to shed a tear.

Well these are not the attributes of a Commander if you ask me, they are more like the attributes of a Silly Billy! When I was in the Durham Light Infantry my Commander, Uncle 'Slasher' Ware-Armtage would get through at least two proles per day and that was of his own men! Now that’s what I call a commander!

I mean how many people had this Hadfield man shot on this mission? None! In my day a good mission wasn’t a good mission until we had lost at least half of the platoon, not prancing around weightlessly singing songs from popular culture! It’s a disgrace!

And as for singing, well the only songs we were allowed to sing were Colonel Bogey and God save the Queen. None of this namby-pamby wuss-encrusted pish-posh from this ill-moustachioed weightless ponce!

Gone are the days when a real commander would strap innocent men to the end of a cannon and blast their sorry entrails across vast swathes of occupied territory with impugnity. Gone are the days when we could strap high explosives to people's dogs, let them go, wait until the animal got back into its home and then detonate the lot, sending the occupants into oblivion! Gone are the days when we could shoot a man from afar, wait until a crowd had gathered around him to see if the chap was alright and then we would open up on them with the flame throwers. Gone are the days when a....


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Mission to Mars?

Roger Moore in Space? As much as possible....

Just been reading about ‘The Space-X’ project based in the Netherlands, where everybody takes drugs.

‘The Space-X’ project is proposing a manned mission to the planet Mars with the aim of establishing a permanent manned base there before the year 2023. All the boffins at ‘Space X’ claim that everything is readily available for this mission to Mars except the money.

They propose raising the money by turning the entire project into a sort of Reality TV show whereby the astronauts would be filmed continually. People would have to subscribe to the channel and this, coupled with advertising, would ensure funding for the mission.

This idea is poppycock!! It’s ridiculous! What would people be subscribing to see? Two remedials farting about in a small base on the planet Mars and occasionally stepping outside to fiddle with some equipment. It would be as dull as ditch water. People wouldn’t subscribe to that for any longer than is necessary, no Sir they would not.

But by Jimeny I have the answer! I know how to get millions of people to subscribe and not just for a few weeks no Sir!! This would be a long-term subscription that everyone would willingly subscribe to and for a premium price too! So what is the answer? Well I’ll tell you what the answer is.

It’s easy, simply turn the entire project into a pornographic channel. They’d make a fortune! Instead of calling it ‘Space-X’ I propose changing it to ‘Space-XXX’ This is a winner. People would subscribe to it on lift off just in time to see weightless porn all the way to Mars and then one-third gravity Porn when they get to the Red Planet itself.

I also propose a spacesuit for two people for Deep Space Porn and also Mars Surface Porn. Just think of the money! I think it’s a winner myself. Of course when things get dull ‘Space-XXX’ can always send some cattle up there too; You know what some people are like these days, can come up with the most bizarre of notions!

Unfair Trade Produce

Extortion

Thought I would do a bit of a good deed this morning so I went and chose to buy some Fair Trade coffee and tea from one of those ghastly prole-holes called ‘A Supermarket’

Got home and looked at the receipt just to make sure it all totted up nicely, you know how it is, 'look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.'

Anyway, when comparing  The Fair Trade good's prices with the normal prices for the equivalent product one noticed that the Fair Trade goods were approximately double what I